Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

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Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

Yes, agree exactly with that post.
We put loads into place, ds appears ok. We slip up, right back into scary behaviour. Threats, violence, anxiety/panic and suicidal ideation all very familiar here :(

Hope your summer's going ok, and that ds is enjoying it x

Jealous that you have Booths!

Now I will catch up on the thread from the past week!

Good, I'm really pleased for you :)
Is he looking forward to school?

X-post.
Booths is brilliant, lovely fresh roast beef and horseradish sandwiches mmmmmm :o
It's very expensive though, so only for treats!

Agreeing about the competing challenges complicating matters. They're not necessarily that helpful, though. For the 3 weeks that DS1 could entertain himself with minimal cajoling to tidy up after his self-entertainment, DS2 was fairly easy. Since the big explosion, last week, I've had to focus on DS1 so much more and DS2 has become pretty feral and difficult and clearly has some issues relating to last week's outburst (eg he goes into the kitchen at 9:30, every morning, corresponding to the time when I had to shut him in there).

I visited Booths in Keswick a good 20 years ago. We have neither Booths nor Waitrose, here. The downside of living in a WC heartland!

There is a Bettys near DS1's school, though :o

Mm Betty's :)
Fat rascals. Mmmm

I've worked out how to make them, but that didn't help, the other week, when DS1 and I had exhausted York within our collective touristy tripe tolerance levels and had a wait at the station ahead of us! :o

(Not been there for a decade - what's with all the bloody London souvenirs?)

I live near harrogate, but rarely go as the queues are ridiculous. It's nice but not worth waiting hours for.
My next door neighbour used to have a weekly baking day, and always had fat rascals ready at any time. It's no wonder I'm fat :o
It's a good job I can't bake.

I'm now tempted to bake some with DS1, tomorrow. DS2 has a habit of crumbling anything like that and not eating much of it, though!

Bake some and hide them!

I should bake some and get DH to hide them. From me!

Yesterday ds was out all day on a trip with his friend. Came back with the makings of meltdown, but had my nephew here who had a nasty fall and ended up bleeding and shocked (but nothing a plaster and germoline couldn't sort out), which stopped the meltdown in its tracks and left ds a bit starey and willing to be ushered to bed.
Today he has been gobby and feral. Bedtime was bad, he kept winding ds3 up, so he didn't settle til late either.
Off to The Deep in hull tomorrow. His sort of thing, so hopefully will go swimmingly (ha!)

Sorry to hear your ds got into that state. Hope he's settled down and sleeping now!

DS1 loves The Deep (family in Hull!) I think the fact that much of it is dark helps.

I want to go again to see the penguins.

DS2 likes the birds in East Park.

I think we need to do a rival meetup to all the Southerners sometime, btw, fav. Maybe somewhere like Forbidden Corner :o

Yes, forbidden corner is fantastic!
You have to book well in advance though.
Would love a meetup :)

Been stewing over the parent support advisor's email again.
I've re-read it and feel very pissed off about it.
If I reply how I want to (pointing out that his behaviour is massively affecting the family, pointing out that the holidays in general have been so much easier than when he's at school, because if nothing's put into place at school, he is not going be able to live a normal life because he's then having meltdowns at home, locking himself into cupboards, wanting to kill himself etc) I'll come across as defensive, and I would be pointing out things that no-one else sees, despite having video recordings and voice recordings.

And her answer is basic parenting techniques which we already do, bedtime routines that mostly don't work because of ds's anxiety levels (occasionally he settles really well, and we have no idea how or why, but that's once a fortnight at most)
I'm sure she thinks Dh and I are indulgent idiots who have no idea what we're doing.
Dh comes home every night at 6ish. We then spend most of the time until 10 (on average) dealing with ds2. We are exhausted. We have other dc, admittedly with their own issues, but nothing like with ds2. We are more consistent than any other parent I know, and we have seen some really positive results, but that means nothing. We are indulging our child who is clever enough to realise it and is playing up to it.

Anyway, off to the deep now with 4 very happy excited children:o

Please see your gp to try to get something to help him sleep. Even if its not a long term solution, a week of being able to veg out in front of the tv in the evenings will help you feel more able to cope. I know how hard it is!

The GP I spoke to was very clear that they can't do anything without instruction from the consultant.
I spoke to him about bedtime anxiety, but he didn't seem to think it was an issue, because ds generally sleeps through. He has regular nightmares and sleep-waking things, but this has eased off since the holidays.

I'm quite worried about Dh at the moment, he's tired and looks dreadful. Some of his pre-stroke symptoms are flaring up, we think from nerve damage, so probably not anything to worry about, but it is worrying all the same. He had Bell's palsy 3 months after the stroke, which also flares up when he's tired, so he looks particularly rough at the minute!

Tricky day today. Ds1 and dd moaned non stop. Ds2 wasn't happy with the crowds, whilst he didn't act up, he was angry, which we were very aware of and tried to keep moving. He liked the bugs and penguins, and leaned against the ice wall and ended up soaking, which he loved. Ds3 pottered along and was easy going and lovely (1 out of 4 ain't bad!)
We went to the streetlife museum after, and he started getting rude and giddy and needed to be supervised very closely. There was a coach display with fake people and horses which he was terrified of (it was quite creepy) and ended up on my back, tapping my shoulder over and over whilst moaning until we got out.
All of them fought half the way home, and expected a Mcdonalds, which they didn't get, so all ranted and cried. Very subdued bunch now.
Ds now watching Indiana Jones before we start the bedtime fun.

With the parent advisor, could you play it softly softly ? I.e Send her an email thanking her for her suggestions. Explain that is exactly what happens in your house (minus bath with reasons that it doesn't calm him down.) and is there anything more she can suggest ?

Ask for specific advice for a tricky situation. When I talked to the behavioural support team. I would ask how to persuade my child to stop hiding under the dining table and get dressed OR how do I get my child into the classroom, when he was slumped on the floor refusing to move.

I found they couldn't give me the help/advise I so desperately wanted, as their advise would be obvious stuff I had tried carrots and sticks and boatload of sodding sticker charts !

But I see asking for support a win, win situation. Either their advise helps me WIN or they can't think of a solution either which makes me feel less of a failure WIN

Good luck with back to school stuff :)

That's a good idea.
I'll have another look at the email later and reply.
She's wanting to visit again soon, but we're really busy right up until going back to school (including busy with quiet days in that, having visitors tends to kick things off, so I don't want her here on scheduled quiet days - is that wrong?)

Good grief, of course parents advisor should wait until you have some suitable spare time and if DS will kick off on a quiet day, then she will gave to wait until school starts again...no question. She is meant to make your life easier.