Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

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Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

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Polter, just wanted to thank you for the link to the chewy things! we finally bought one for ds! as his fingers are chewed to bleeding shreds.
He's had it for two days now and loves it!

We've noticed that when he's out and about with people, or doing homework or anything else slightly demanding, he chews it constantly.
When he comes home and is doing something calm, or watching Steve Backshall, he hangs it up and doesn't need it. Interesting.

Have contacted the OT to let her know and hopefully she could add it on as a recommendation to school, I don't think it would go down well if I mentioned it!

Not really feeling the love for school. Ds's teacher is brilliant, seems to be understanding more and more how ds feels, but his hands are tied by the HT. Everything has to go through her, which is frustrating as everything is done the correct way, with no thought for ds as an individual, and no room for slight bending or allowances which IMO would make his school life more pleasant.

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X-post.
Thanks Ouryve, you're right. I didn't think about it like that.

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Sorry I keep coming and moaning about it.
We are managing things better at home, but I really wish that at school they would acknowledge how difficult he can find it, and be nice to him.

Ds3 is really growing up and his talking has really come on (after a rocky start), and it's striking me how affectionate and loving he is, which ds2 never was, so maybe there are signs that I completely missed when he was little.

I read other threads here and I'm in awe of how well others handle school issues, and how much knowledge they have about the system and everything that's going on, and hope I can take something from it to help ds

There have been some very depressing threads lately about schools and teachers. Awful that so many have crap experiences.

[ouryve]

I don't think keeping him off when there's a big multi-school cycling event on is a bad choice. Remember that your DS has a disability. As such, that activity is not accessible to him. If his disability was such that he is physically unable to ride a bike (actually, DS1 is - he never mastered pedalling) then you would have no compunction about taking him home, instead. As it is, whether your DS can ride a bike or not, it's a busy, event with lots of unfamiliar people and is out of his expected routine for that afternoon. Your DS's disability makes it impossible for him to cope with those things and school are unwilling/unable to do anything to ensure that he could access such an event.

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Another bad morning.
Three this week :(
Anxious about being tripped up, although the teachers have never seen this happen.
Spoke to the ht who has assured me that ds is coping much better this term. Though it doesn't look like he is from a home point of view.
He likes his new teachers, but seems far more anxious about things.

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Yes, everything is emailed, but unfortunately plenty of it is evidence of me making the wrong choice.

Half the school is going on a technology day next week, I have warned ds about it, but he zones out, so I'm not sure he's aware that it's going on.

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Not going well at the moment.
Thankfully ds still likes his teacher, but we've had three times in the last week where anxiety has taken over and it's been very difficult to get him into school.
He's more aggressive/violent than he has been for a while, and anxiety is through the roof.
He now has a massive problem with doing things in front of other children he doesn't know.
He's also being tripped up by some yr 6s (seems to be a bit of a craze at the minute), but he doesn't want me to say anything, as the teachers will have a word and they'll do it more than ever because he dobbed.
Yesterday he was very late in and only went in because I promised to pick him up at lunchtime so he didn't have to go on a trip to a cycling thing with loads of other schools. Probably the wrong thing to do, but he went in.
He says the ht had a go at him and he was so worried that his legs went numb :(
Apparently she kept telling him that he has to go to school. He knows that! Surely her being kind to him when he's been very anxious would make things easier, instead of having a go at him?
I need to say something, but not sure how to word it yet.
I'm constantly surprised with how little empathy some teachers have for children.

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School filled out a questionnaire for the OT today, it was like they described a whole other child

They commented that there were plenty of others in the class who would have ticked boxes that ds didn't.

The only interesting thing noted was that he doesn't show emotions at school.

Generally, he's much happier with different teachers, and both his teachers seem much more understanding and willing not to push him in areas that he has struggled with in the past, so hopefully things will be easier.

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He's asleep. Something happened with a group of children when he was out earlier, but he won't say what.

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Massive meltdown now. Dh dealing with him.
I don't think it's anything to do with school, something happened his evening, haven't a clue.
He had a good day at school.
Ugh.

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Hope today goes well Ouryve :)
Lego windows for a whole day? Lucky boy! I love days when I only have one, then there's no fighting when they all want the exact same Lego piece.

Polter, I hope ds's second day goes well.

Ds is happy to be back, but very edgy/over excited at home. He was very tricky last night and didn't want to go to bed.
He's talking normally but then suddenly barking or making siren like noises, then flipping back to talking normally, then all of a sudden doing the noises again.
Is this normal? It's quite hard work to keep up with what he's on about, I've given up telling him off for it, because it only makes him noisier.
I managed to record about 10 minutes this morning, and I'm sure if I played it, I would be told he's just being naughty and manipulative, but I'm not sure, there's no thought about it, he just slips into it without any thought (or so it seems), it happens more when he is excited/angry/stressed, any excess of emotion really.

[ouryve]

DS1's back in the morning. A nice gentle start, as first days back are later to allow the more distant boarders time to get there. His teacher rang us up, this evening, to check how he was feeling about going back.

DS2 gets All The Lego Windows to himself for a day, as he doesn't start back until Wednesday.

And DH is taking one of the leave days he kept hold of, tomorrow, as he's expecting a package, so I don't have to do that final day of having the house turned upside down on my own. I may even manage some ironing

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I hope she sees something. Sounds wrong, but you know what I mean :o

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Thank you :)
When do yours go back?
Ds is back tomorrow.

[ouryve]

Crossing fingers for the return to school. DS1 says he's looking forward to going back. He's heartily sick and tired of being in the same house as his brother all day, most days. We're maintaining an uneasy peace, today, after a weekend away followed by a spectacular meltdown/rage (which I guessed was coming because he'd spent the previous 24 hours fizzing.)

And glad the OT was useful

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Right. Assertive me is back, just in time for school.
Mopey crap me is gone (for now!) apologies for awful miserable posts.

I have emailed the parent support advisor.
I am ringing Margo Sharp this week to see if we can arrange something. We need to know what's going on.
I've been reading several posts in MNSN, and I'm sure that ds has ASD. If not ASD, then something that presents similarly.

I think having the last two weeks, doing too much etc. isn't a bad thing, because it shows that he can't cope with it. The things that we were doing were by no means a lot, to the other dc they were just normal, fun days, but for ds2 it's too much, he is barking a lot (he always makes a lot of noise when stressed, barking is his latest thing) and struggling with most interactions (eg. What would you like for breakfast? Woofwoofwoofwoofwoof.)
I am voice recording as many of these as I can, but he appears to have spidey senses and cuts down on the noise as soon as I start recording!

Again, apologies for crapness over the holidays, thank you for sticking with me!

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Thanks, I've bookmarked that.
This is a relatively recent thing, in the last few weeks.

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Just writing this down so I remember.
Dh has mentioned that ds is always chewing the skin around his fingernails. I've noticed that he's chewing other things (like pen lids) a lot too.
He was never a chewer as a toddler.
Not sure if it's relevant or not.