Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

[Fav]

Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

I've printed off a copy of the NICE guidelines, and have looked at the diagnosis criteria, and the thing is, at home, most of the things apply to ds.
In school, none of them do.

Thought of something else.
At the cygnet course, they showed a slide of a picture that looked like a target, explaining that things like contact, eye contact etc we're acceptable to people on the inside ring (the bullseye) who are close family. The next ring is familiar people they see regularly, like teacher, doctors. The outer ring is strangers.

Thinking about this, ds is openly "autistic" in the inner ring (ie, us) to family he shows traits when under stress.
To teachers, all is hidden.
To strangers, it depends on the setting. So meeting this lady tonight, in her house, he was school ds. With a bunch of strangers in a supermarket, he is fairly open and bonkers about finding it difficult.

Again, so bloody utterly confusing and frustrating.

I think he may be mildly hypermobile, he's very "loose", can bend his fingers gruesomely, make shark fins out of his shoulder blades, can pull limbs slightly out of sockets (you can see a gap), but not to the point of dislocation, but he doesn't have any problems with this, no pain or anything, but he's very proud of being so bendy.
(I know nothing about hyper mobility at all, so the above could be rubbish, he might simply just be bendy, nothing else!)

Crystal, thank you. I've had a look at dyspraxia and ADHD, there are elements there that fit, I'll have more of a google tomorrow.
If that was the case though, surely again there'd be some sign of something at school?

Going to have to try and get some sleep now.
Feel like we're right back to the beginning and helpless again

Not much sleep. Feeling dreadful.
Lost it with ds because he was lashing out and throwing stuff at ds1, who probably provoked him.

I don't think I can do this any more.
How can ds be so difficult at home, in a way that impacts everything we do, yet with everyone else he's fine.
It must be us who are doing something wrong. We've tried so many different things over the years, and most of them have made things worse.
What the hell are we doing to him :(
Maybe he'd be better at boarding school so he's away from us.

Been there and have even sat in a CAMHS office and said it to a psychiatrist. BUT it is amazing how much a difference there is in behaviour at home when they are supported at school. Yes, dh and I have learnt over the last couple of years to manage the behaviour better but most of the improvement (and there has been improvement) is down to school. Are the observations that have been carried out when your son is on his own or with other children - my two's difficulties are much more apparent when they are in a group.

He's been observed 4 times during a normal day, including a 1:1 music lesson, no problems.
He spent an hour 1:1 to the lady last night, no problems.

He's like Jekyll and Hyde. He is a completely different boy at home.

Crystal, his writing is terrible, but he doesn't appear (to my untrained eye) to have any fine motor skills problems, he is very athletic and quick.
School haven't raised any problems with his writing, but I will ask them to keep an eye on this area and see if there is anything.
He isn't very good at drawing, and gets quite frustrated, as he can't get down on paper what he wants to get down.

Athletic was more referring to gross motor skills. Fine skills I think I can spot little issues, but maybe not enough to indicate a problem. I'll mention this at school on Monday.

Dh is cross, because I'm now so down. I'm trying to pull myself together, but I was so hoping this lady would spot what we see, but there was nothing to see. Feels like another road closed.

Thank you x

Pulling myself together now to go and join the millions watching the tour de Yorkshire.

It's brilliant to be able to post here. Thankyuo all x

Crystal - off the top of my head, he can do all those things, hitting a target, catching on the rebound, riding a bike.
I'll test the other things out on him.

We went and saw the bike race, ds was agitated, silly and angry, but managed to hold it together until we got home, then let go dramatically! A bike ride, run around and a go on a trampoline helped to sort him out.

I feel a bit better about things now, I'll look on last night as a blip.
We know at home that something's not quite right, so if ASD is ruled out, we persevere to find out what is the matter.

ASD type strategies are slowly improving things, we're learning more and more how to manage him.

Thank you for all being there when I needed you

I've managed a quick look at the Curly hair project, I'll have a better look when the dc are at school.

I haven't seen the video yet (but it's there on my to-do list for tomorrow), but shapeshifting is exactly what ds does! In fact reading that feels like a lightbulb moment!

With people he is comfortable with (very close family) he doesn't do this, we have times when he's happy doing stuff, but most of the time if he's not angry (which is most of the time after school) he's fairly flat mood-wise. At the weekend, he unwinds a bit, as long as we can manipulate the situation so he's doing things he enjoys. If we do stuff for the other dc (we try to balance it all out so it's not all about ds) he is angry and goes to pieces later.

With other people, he becomes who they expect him to be, then we watch and wait for the KABOOM later.

Is it worth mentioning this to the paed do you think?

In my experience, it has been the reports, commissioned privately, that have produced light-bulb moments for us as a family. Underpinning autism - in our case - are very high levels of anxiety (synonym for stress?) and once you see that, you can modify an awful lot. I thought one telling comment you made - was the use of his hoody as protection - that is such a response to sensory and/or emotional overload.

Given your DS "copes" in school, surely assessment needs to be in the environment where he is more open? Can you video any school related meltdowns - they are not seeing how school impacts on him because he doesn't show it there, but that does not mean it isn't an issue. It sounds like you have the paediatrician in your corner i.e. that person listens to the whole picture.

Keep going. I think every parent I know, at some point, thinks they are inventing the problems and it is all in our minds - ha! Look back at what you have written about what is happening at home - I bet you never act like your DS: this isn't learnt behaviour, poor parenting, this is a child struggling to cope. And he is so lucky to have you in his corner.

So could I ask for someone to be placed at the dentist when he goes? Or observe him at the supermarket?

That really makes sense, and shows that continually observing him at school serves no purpose whatsoever.

He has a dentist appointment coming up. I might ring and ask if they have any objection to me trying to video or voice record what's going on.
He's also awkward at my parents (he's scared of my father), so I could video him there, or even suggest that someone observes him arriving there.

Polter - yes, I'm trying to write everything down, but when I read it back, it makes me realise that he is so different at home, and worries me that people will think we're somehow making this up.

my daughters class teacher was adamant my daughter didn't have dyspraxia until one day in a meeting I asked her what dyspraxia was and she had no idea! so it could be the school don't pick up any issues because they simply have no idea what they are looking for! as it was my daughter didn't have dyspraxia but she does have traits of it but didn't score poorly enough to get a full dx.