Trouble at school - I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't know what to do.

[Fav]

Ds (probably AS) has high stress levels throughout school, but masks it completely (to the point where EMS can't make any recommendations as he doesn't show any stress)
He doesn't do homework - was added stress at home, on top of trying to deal with the fall out of post-school meltdowns.
He hasn't done spellings for ages, and as far as I know, this has never been an issue.

Yesterday, I couldn't get ds to school, the TA came out to talk to him, but he was beside himself, and she felt that forcing him in would be humiliating and counterproductive, so we started fresh today with a reward chart, so far so good.

Today, for some reason, his teacher decided that all dc who hadn't done their spellings would be kept in at break to do them - fair enough. Except the last time this happened to ds was weeks ago, so there is no consistency, and this was out of the blue for him.
He has come out of school furious, swearing, lashing out etc.

I went to talk to the teacher (upset and probably came across as angry) and explained that at home, he is extremely dependant, won't do anything without either us supervising heavily or (on a bad day), doing it for him, as we know otherwise it won't be done, and things like teeth and inhalers are non negotiable. As most days are bad at the moment, spellings come way down the list of priorities.
She insists that he either takes responsibility for his spellings, or he does them in his break time. And that's that.

I am more than happy for everyone to point out how unreasonable I am, but please give me clues how to deal with this effectively for ds.

Part of me thinks school is unreasonable for springing this upon him without giving him (and us) some warning that this was going to happen - particularly the day after he refused to go in because he finds things so stressful.
This is the latest in a long list of little niggly things with this teacher. Because he shows no stress at all at school, I'm sure they just have him down a naughty boy, who is playing us all along like fools.

Please come and tell me what to do, and give me because it's going to be a loooong night :(

Parent support lady has been.
Ds (predictably) was delightful, engaging, funny etc.
To my eyes he was a bit awkward, spoke in a funny voice, but generally he was ok.
We showed the lady his lists that he does after school, but he doesn't like talking to people about how he feels about things. He did say he likes to get in his cupboard, and that he feels picked on by his teacher.

Got the CAF tomorrow.

I've got some notes, but I don't know how far to go with them.
Should I ask again about school action +?
Is it only appropriate if he is slipping academically?

Dh is coming, which I'm pleased about, I've done everything else on my own so far, so it'll make a nice change not being the only deluded one in the room :o

Good tip about making my own notes, thank you, I'd never have thought of that.

I know. It's very frustrating.
When he does "let go", he ends up being told off for being naughty, so masks it more than ever.

I honestly don't think anyone will ever see what we see at home, so maybe our best bet is to just do our best to manage, and hope that's enough.

Here is a link to one questionnaire - might be too late
www.bath.ac.uk/research/pdes/what%20works%20for%20you.pdf

We filled in another called SCARED about anxiety but I only have that as a document - if you want to have a look, let me know and I need to work out how to send it.

Hope you have a positive meeting.

Good luck, hope things go well at your meeting.

Thanks schools :)

The meeting was ok. I think some positive things will come out of it.
Dh and I both felt the HT was very defensive and clear that things put into place had come from me, which yes, some were but I feel that things were put into place in a way that clearly wasn't going to work.
She also said that I asked for ds to opt out of Macbeth, which I didn't. She offered and I spoke to ds.

I tried to say that I want priority at the moment to be ds's happiness, but I don't think I got it out right.

I don't know what to think, or what to do.
Ds is so different at home to anywhere else, so no-one will ever see it. Actually, maybe it's very clear that we are the problem. Not sure where to go from here.

I don't think he has asd. There are too many gaps and inconsistencies, which people keep pointing out. So what is going on?

Dh and I both still feel this is something triggered by the asthma drug he was on three years ago. His behaviour, particularly aggression and anxiety, are shared by many dc on that same drug. The only thing is that mostly dc "recover" once they've stopped it. Ds has stayed the same and developed some asd traits on the way.

No-one will investigate this and take us seriously though.
Ds is not the same boy he was before he went on montelukast.

Thank you.
Sorry, we're both really up and down at the moment.
One day it makes total sense that it's ASD, then the next no sense at all.
Some days he has problems with noise and touch, other days nothing.
I can't get my head round him needing so much supervision/managing/support at home, yet at school is so normal and no-one can spot a thing.

The 5 point scale is definitely making a difference (slowly), having lists has made a huge difference.

Thank you for posting again Polter :)

One of the things they're going to try to so with ds is to try to get him to open up to people at school, rather than just dh and I, so hopefully they'll start to see that he's struggling with the things he seems ok with.

One lady at the caf thought it was brilliant that he can behave so appropriately in the right place, and said it shows he has theory of mind (I don't really know what that is!). I can appreciate that it's brilliant, but it's tough that we don't often see this side of him.

Spoke to the ht this afternoon and she was lovely, we're all confused and frustrated with things. Ds has an appointment next Thursday, and she has suggested that, because the last few days of term are likely to be different and unsettling, we keep ds off from then, which is really kind of her, I think she's thinking about what's best for ds there, and talking a s a friend rather than a teacher, and I really appreciate that.
This means he'll have a couple of days to himself before everyone else is off, which will help him start the holidays calmly.

How do you manage holidays with your ds? We're going to try to do some things to give ds some happy experiences (which I can photograph to remind him that he was happy at the time! - he's so often flat or miserable and seems to forget that he has enjoyed something) with plenty of home days so he can potter about and chill out. Not sure if I should be doing more or less for him.

Thanks again for posting, it helps make things feel better, knowing that feeling like this is normal!

Bit of a verbal diarrhoea day today

If he school refuses again, the plan is to ring the EMS lady so we can all have a meeting with ds and explain to him that he needs to explain to them what he's anxious about.
My feeling about this is that he will mask, come across as fine, but will put him under more pressure which could make things worse.
At the moment, I need to go along with this though, or I think they'll believe I'm resisting plans, so we'll see how it goes. Maybe it'll help.

Parent support lady will be visiting over the summer - no problem with this, she's nice and ds seems to like her. When she knows him better, she is going to do an anxiety assessment.

Having seen how ds behaves at other places, I believe he is masking. With more familiar people, the mask slips more. Then again, I have to accept that I may be biased, so I'll talk to the paed about this, and let the experts work this out.

I'll talk to the ht tomorrow. Should I ask that they are logged as sick days to reflect the stress he is under?

Ds has some loom bands coming soon, which will keep him happy (I don't get this craze at all :o).
We're going to have lots of nature days planned, which is pandering to ds, but hopefully I can disguise this so the others don't resent it.

I lurk on the g&c threads most days, but I'm not very good at "joining in".
Things have been so crap at home lately, I don't think I can contribute anything positive to it. One day I'll brave it and take the plunge again.

Is he all ready for secondary?
How have the transitions gone?
(I keep hearing that secondary school is much better at dealing with asd, so fingers crossed that he settles in quickly)

That's really good to hear. I hope it all goes well for him :)

Monteleukast & stuff & this

Thank you Meir. :)

We have filled in two yellow cards, once by the GP when we took ds off monte, the second on his advice when symptoms didn't go away even after a couple of years.

I'm part of a FB group with hundreds of followers, the issue of side effects is far more common than the manufacturers let on.
Like I said, the vast majority of people who had side effects recovered within a few months. Some still have problems.

We'll never know what's going on with ds, I don't think there are any tests they could do to prove that this is what caused it, but we know that before he was on it, he was very different.

I would say (in case anyone does an advanced search for montelukast or singulair side effects) - if you notice any symptoms, nightmares, anxiety, aggression, tics, please go straight to your GP and come off singulair. (Sorry, I know this isn't really anything to do with this thread, but you never know, someone might find it and it might help!)

Morning, Fav.

I too, lurk at the G&C - actually, was wondering about the history of it as well.

Your son's behaviour is the mirror of mine - so, I used to be jumping up and down and saying but he holds it together at home, there is a bigger picture. Good professionals listen and take it on board. Both my boys have classmates who describe a life like yours and sometimes the school reacts by saying "but they are OK here." - which is, of course, not true when they are going home and their evenings are an outpouring of the stress they have acquired during the day and worries for the next one.

I find that sensory stuff isn't fixed - it "comes and goes". There are days it is a trigger when he is super-sensitive but there are times, like at our local leisure pool, when I struggle with the noise and he is in his element. You should see him at a Panto (apparently) which is in direct contrast to some of his class-mates, who simply cannot go. He has smell (lost count of the cafes we walk into and straight out of), taste (very restricted diet but eats ginger) and noise issues. He does that close-to-you thing when he is stressed, so almost on top of me: which I take is him using touch to centre himself. I take his bedding with us where ever we go. It is very different to how I experience the world.

We too have loom bands - they get everywhere.