Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

Could you introduce a bottle of formula at night to see how he sleeps? I have a 9 week old baby and he’s exclusively formula fed, his sleep wasn’t great until 4/5 weeks but I would always get at least 2/3 hour stretches.

Oh OP this bit is awful, I'm so sorry. It WILL pass but for now, are any of these options?

Expressed milk/formula and have someone else give the bottle, so you can sleep from the end of a breastfeed until after the bottle? We did this in the early days with both of ours - I'd pass baby to dad at 8pm with a bottle and he'd try to keep them for 3 hours or so, so I got a chunk of sleep. Could do this again in the morning - pass to dad/someone else and have them give a bottle at 6am so you can sleep another chunk.

Ours were small babies and hated the bedside cot I think because it felt too big. Used to put them in the moses basket inside the crib so they felt cosier but still safe?

I did cosleep briefly with my second for about 3 weeks when sleep was nonexistent, on my side in a cuddle curl position. Id always said I'd never do it but desperate times. I believe there is an approach to safe chest sleeping but I've never done it/researched. I was worried id fall asleep unexpectedly hence the move to temporary cosleeping as it felt the lesser of two "evils". Managed to get her in the crib after a few weeks when she was more settled.

Does baby sleep in the pram? Can anyone take baby for a walk so you can get a chunk of sleep in the afternoon or something? Or a sling?

It'll pass but it's truly awful when it's happening. I formula fed my first and bf my second, it made no difference to how long they slept but it did mean I slept more with the first as I wasn't having to wake for supply protection in the early weeks so could let others feed so I could sleep, and later wasn't waking uncomfortable if the baby slept longer/someone fed them for me.

I co slept for that reason. Would you consider that?

I remember this stage well (and is partly why I only have one!). Like you I was hallucinating etc It really is hard in the first few weeks mentally and physically. Well done on the breast-feeding, you're doing well. I know it's not a popular opinion but maybe try mixed feeding eg give the baby a bottle of formula before bed just so you can get a straight 4 hours sleep and breast feed during the day? Formula fills their tummies up for longer as it's harder to digest. I think, for your sanity, and the safety of you and your little one, you should do whatever you need to to get some sleep. I remember my first full 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep after I had my dd and I felt like a new woman!
Things will get easier as you get breast feeding established and can possibly even drop the formula at some point if you wish. I do feel there is too much pressure on women to exclusively bf. You need to be well-rested and healthy to be able to produce enough milk so the odd feed of formula won't hurt - your baby is clearly ok with both feeding from a bottle as well as you (you said you were expressing) so you know there's no danger of nipple/teat confusion.
Some may disagree but this is the advice I wish someone had given me when I was at the stage you're at.

I'm sorry, that is really tough. Will he sleep on other people? Do you have a partner? If so, you need to take shifts. You go to bed at 7 (or after a feed around that time) . Partner only wakes you to feed and other than that he has sole charge of baby till midnight. Then you switch.

During the day, see if you can get a family member to watch baby while you get a couple of hours.

Look into safe co-sleeping. Do you swaddle him? Can you warm the bed before you put him down? Use white noise? Borrow a moses basket as often newborns feel more secure in a smaller place.

This will not be forever but you definitely need more support. Wishing you all the best

Op do you have a partner? Or supportive parent, relative, friend (I would happily do this for a friend)? Please reach out. To start with hand baby over for a couple of hours in the day so you can sleep. They can bring baby back if he desperately needs to feed (and then take him away again). Things will feel so much brighter after a few hours sleep.

Then: ideally share the night shift with a partner, breastfeeding doesnt mean you can’t do this! Google safe co-sleeping, see if you can feed in that position, this will get baby used to lying that way. Absolutely try formula if you think it will help - but sounds like the issue is more about baby wanting contact, rather than the feeding really.

Please ask for help from someone in real life, this passes but you need help right now.

Formula won’t definitely make him sleep more, but if you have someone who can give him a bottle then it will definitely make you sleep more.

Alternatively, could you look at safe co sleeping?

Can your partner/friend/parent take baby for a couple of hours to allow you rest time? Out of the house or another room at least? I used to go to bed at 7pm and my DH would have the newborn downstairs cuddling or in a Moses basket until they both came up at midnight so I could sleep a bit. We did use formula and feeds were 3-4hrs apart which helped.

You don’t need to give formula. There’s absolutely no guarantee it will help.

This is very normal and it is not forever. Can you feed lying down? If not you need to learn quickly. My midwife didn’t let me leave until I could for good reason.

Strip the bed of all pillows and bedding, wear warm layers, lie on your side in the safe C shape, and have baby next to you. Then you can feed and sleep.

Mine did not sleep, I started to hallucinate spiders. But after 3 weeks it got a bit better and after 6 weeks we were getting much bigger chunks of sleep. We didn’t worry about day or night. We just fed and fed and fed, mostly lying down and it eventually clicked and we got 4-5hr stints which were life changing.

You are doing so well, this is not forever and it will be ok.

I'm sorry, being a single mother is really hard. Do you have family or friends who could hold him while you sleep during the day at all?

I would really recommend co-sleeping, would you consider it?

I did it with both of mine and it saved my sanity. I breastfed them lying down and would sleep through it.

Are you alone/single? Looking after a newborn should not be a solo effort or you will go mad.

You are recovering from birth so you need to be taken care of too.

If you're single then ask a good friend or family member to come and cuddle the baby for a few hours while you sleep. (You can express milk if you want them to give a bottle - or just ensure someone experienced with babies cuddles for a few hours. No need to introduce formula. Formula doesn't help babies sleep longer that's a myth)

If you have a partner then he needs to step up, fast! Take it in turns to hold/cuddle baby. You feed baby and he does everything else (nappies changes, burping). Prioritise rest. Take turns.

My now 3 week old was like this at the start. Couldn’t put her down. We co-slept following lullaby trust guidelines (DH relegated to the spare room to give us more space). I didn’t want to do it (and didn’t sleep all that soundly) but it was the only way for me to sleep. She gradually started going in her bassinet which we put in the next to me because she was finding that too big I think. I didn’t do anything to ‘train’ her to do this. Just tried to put her down at least once a night and it randomly started to work.
We tried cup feeding her around 8-9pm to try and reduce the cluster feeding but it didn’t help and she didn’t like it. That led me to believe that formula wouldn’t have helped us but obviously I can’t know for sure!
Sorry you’re in the trenches with this, I hope you get some sleep soon.

If you have a partner, he needs to step up - hand the baby over from 5am till 8am so you get a block of sleep, and again 8pm till 10pm. This is the 'survival mode' bit, you have to do what will get you some sleep.

Alternatively, if you're single, can you get a friend or relative to come round and 'babysit' with a bottle of formula from 7 till 11 or similar so you can get some proper sleep? Or hire a mother's help and sleep during the day? Or find a gym with a creche and curl up in the cafe or unused studio for a couple of hours with an alarm set?

The expensive option is getting a night nanny 2-3 nights a week so you can get a proper night's sleep - she will bring you the baby to feed as needed, then do the burping, changing and resettling as you go straight back to sleep.

You could learn to feed lying down (practise this during the day) and follow the Lullaby Trust's safer co-sleeping guidelines?

You have to get some sleep, because otherwise you will fall asleep feeding which could have tragic consequences. Ignore everything else, and focus on getting some rest however you can.

You need sleep. Who is available to help? Because they need to take the baby and let you sleep. If that means they need to give the baby a bottle of formula then thats what they need to do. One bottle isnt going to disrupt breastfeeding feeding forever.

Once you've had a decent sleep you can decide on a plan going forward.

Congratulations on your baby! This will pass and you will find joy, but this bit is hard. So hard.

My first was like this . We combi fed formula at night and it didnt change a thing. What did help was a babybay side cot. It was level with the bed so sort of ease them to your side then when they are in a deep sleep ( a good 15 mins after they are asleep) gently slide into the bay.
I was terrified of co sleeping but this was a compromise. Oh and warm the bedding in the crib stick a hot water bottle on it then shove out of the way before you slide the baby in.

Combi feeding the first woke ever 2 hours for a feed until 5 months then it spaced out by 9 months he was sleeping through but it always took a good 45 mins to get him down every time.

My second was ebf and woke every 2 hours until 9 months but went straight down in his cot. Then it suddenly went 5 hour then straight through by 10 months.

On reflection it was easier the second time even with the loads of wakes because he went straight down.

As other have said, I honestly believe cosleeping is the best and safest option when baby won’t settle without you (which is very normal, though I know that doesn’t help!) Clear your bed of duvet, pillows etc, put warm clothes and socks on to you, and feed on your side with your body curved into a C.

I pushed my bed as close to the wall, put a bean bag there, level to the bed and baby slept there.
also make sure you wind baby well.
wish I’d added a bottle a day as well, which I did with second baby , who was actually sleeping really well by 7 weeks.

I honestly don’t know how single parents do it. Do you have any friends or family who could support you?

Do you have a partner or someone who can come and hold the baby for a few hours while you sleep? This is a totally normal stage and it will pass. With mine, we just accepted that for a few weeks we would sleep in shifts while one held the baby, and then over time we introduced the next to me and got them sleeping in there. You will get through it but it is brutal.

Don’t do this.

look at lullaby trust safe co sleeping guidelines. It’s the only thing that got me
through.

eventually baby slept in a Purflo Nest inside The next to me crib.

Also have a look at swaddling, it really helps (we used a miracle blanket)

Try to rest as much as possible even if you can’t sleep.

I remember this stage and it’s soul destroying.

Why can’t you sleep with the baby? I had newborn twins who wouldn’t sleep unless right next to me. I had no choice as they were on different feeding schedules.

This bit is so hard. I remember the aqful feeling, a new level of tiredness that I hadn't previously been aware was possible. Could you get a bedside cot that puts your baby right next to you in bed? My baby didn't sleep for longer than 40 minutes at a time at this stage but I found I could doze with baby in a bedside cot, and me on my side facing him and barely 30cm away with a hand on his tummy, and that was enough.

Your baby is in the 4th trimester and really wants to be still in the womb. He doesn't know anything yet - he doesn't know that the sensation in his tummy is relieved by drinking milk and he doesn't know that the sensation in his brain will be relieved by sleep and he doesn't know that you are a separate conscious individual. But both of you will get through this.

You could cosleep in the tummy to tummy cuddle curl position (look up the lullaby trust guidance on safer cosleeping) and also after one of the nightly breastfeeds your partner could hold baby for 2-3 hours to give you a block? Do you have anyone for support who might be able to hold the baby in the day or evening while you nap? If you’re worried about the safety aspects of co-sleeping, one of those oxygen monitors you can put on their foot might be reassuring.

all these things helped me survive with a newborn.

Personally I realised side lying cosleeping was way safer for breastfeeding mothers when I fell asleep sitting bolt upright in a chair in a light room when feeding my newborn a few years ago — I could easily have dropped her and I was so freaked out. I realised the cuddle curl cosleeping position is a million times safer as you can breastfeed on your side (it does take a little practise to help some babies latch side lying but they get there) and if you fall asleep there’s no issue