Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I used to feed the baby, go to sleep at 8pm. DH then gave the baby a bottle, nappy changed etc..until 1am. He then put the baby in the cot. The next time the baby woke up, usually about 3am, I got up and took over until morning. That meant I usually git a decent 6 hours sleep and so did he.
I also had a very comfy reclining armchair in the baby's room and sat in there dozing during my shift.

My DD was like this. She slept on my chest but no where else. Not in cot, pram, car seat.
I put her down on her front in the moses basket next to bed, against all advice. She slept for 3 hours.
She could not sleep on her back, which we later discovered was due to large adenoids making breathing difficult.
Just an idea to try?

@FancyCatSlave I could have written your post myself.
Thick pjs, socks and a blanket over my lower legs and a dressing gown no duvet, I used a small pillow. I would feed facing the edge of the bed then hold the baby roll slowly over and let them finish feeding on the other side for and fall asleep.
I also got a bedside cot which meant I could slide the baby in and out the cot. I kept a hot water bottle in there so it was warm and removed it when the baby went in.
One of mine slept on a muslin whilst feeding or lying on me and then I transferred him and the muslin to the prewarmed cot.
Then finally worked out a baby sleeping bag was the answer.
Basically you have to be able to put them down with the warmth and smell staying the same.
Lots of stimulation during the day to wear them out. So as soon as you can face it drag yourself out to a playgroup or the park every day and wake them up to enjoy the fun. Get family to visit and make you a hot drink and hold the baby while you shower. Then straight off to bed when they go for a sleep feed.
It will get better particularly around 6 weeks for me.

This is such a has hard phase, but I promise, it is a phase!

Co-sleeping is safe if done right and in EBF babies is protective against sids. Our HV actually recommended it! She had me practise on the floor and then my husband watched me and baby for a few hours at a time. Eventually (a few days) I was confident to do it through the night. It’s not perfect but I’m getting enough sleep that I’m not hallucinating anymore!

EDIT: Lullaby Trust, NCT and your health visitor will have safe co-sleeping advice. Ignore some of the insanity on this thread.

Sympathies OP, I’ve been there too.

Formula isn’t going to help if he’s not settling in the crib. However, because you are breastfeeding you have more options - cuddle curl co-sleeping was a lifesaver for me. Check out the lullaby trust guidelines. It was recommended to me by my midwife. And as long as you follow the guidelines it’s considerably safer than going on as you are, as you run the risk of falling asleep while holding baby in a chair or whatever.

Also, is your DH pulling his weight? In the early days mine would get passed the baby as soon as he came home from work - we’d have a bite to eat, then I’d go for a shower and straight to bed. Then DH would keep baby downstairs until 10/11pm, only bringing him up for feeds, which gave me a few hours of decent rest and made a big difference.

edit to say: a bedside cot was useful, I eventually managed to get mine used to sleeping in it by sliding them over after feeds.

Do you have a partner or anyone else supporting you? My DS was the same for the first few weeks and we used to split the night between us in shifts, so we each got about 4-5 hours sleep. For me this meant expressing just before I went off to bed, and breastfeeding as soon as I woke up, but my partner didn’t wake me during my ‘sleep shift’ - DS had the EBM and if needed more it was formula. I was aware that skipping an overnight feed could impact milk supply but decided that my sanity/health/DS’s safety when in my care required sleep and that was more important.
In practice, it made no difference to my milk supply and once DS was sleeping 2-3 hour stretches in a Moses basket (about 5-6 weeks I think) I resumed EBF.
This stage is SO hard, reading your post made me remember the exhaustion so vividly. It does get better I promise, and the key is just trying to find ways to survive it. Make sure you’ve read the cosleeping guidelines, in case you end up doing this unplanned, although I know it doesn’t work for everyone (I didn’t for us, neither me nor DS could sleep in that position).

I am single but have moved back in with my mother. She is helpful although she is in her 70s so she doesn't have the energy to stay up half the night, but she can help me. When she takes him, though, he often-- you've guessed- starts crying. That stresses her out because he's crying for me, even if only using my boob as a pacifier and she believes- as I do- that a child shouldn't be left to cry.

For those recommending to give formula just so I can get 4 hours of sleep, how much would u recommend giving him? I've typically been giving him between 20 and 25 ml around 10 pm but it makes no difference. I was told that is a fine amount as a top-up for a breastfed baby. As he is breastfed so regularly throughout the day, I'm wary of giving more but as I say, I am desperate and will do whatever it takes.
I mentioned my mother is helpful and indeed she is but she does not feel comfortable giving baby a bottle, either expressed or formula, she is worried about doing it incorrectly.

Try swaddling tightly with baby in cot right beside your bed.
I slept with both of mine, but I don't move around and I wake easily. There is risk. Others have mentioned Lullaby Trust/Safe Co-sleeping. Good idea.
Do you have anyone who can help?
Ie sit with you to watch for safety while baby sleeps beside or on you while you both sleep; or just look after baby for a few hours while you sleep?
the beginning is so rough! 💐

This sounds lovely, but may I ask what relevance it is? I have mentioned from the outset that the baby won't stay at all in a cot and cries when he is not at the breast or on a pillow in front me. I also mentioned that I am single, although maybe you didn't know that at your time of posting. I'm struggling to find any relevance or advice for me in your post.

I bf my two, but had formula for my mum to give them when I went out or slept. Give them as much as they will take.

Give him as much as he drinks to fall asleep so he's not hungry. It's been a long time (my dd is 18 now!) so I don't remember quantities!

If you have a partner/mum/friend who can help, go to bed at 8pm and have them stay up holding the baby (my husband sets up a movie marathon with snacks and quite enjoys it). Get them to stay up with the baby until 1am (bring in for feeds if you want to keep bf). Then, they go to bed and you do the rest of the night shift. It’s still tough but getting a chunk in at the beginning of the night can really help. Also use these people during the day to nap. Right now, that’s the priority so don’t worry if all you’re achieving is napping and the basics (nappy/feeds/cuddles).

If you don’t have support, I would think about co-sleeping for a short period of time until you are more rested. BUT please read about the safe sleep 7 and check that cosleeping is safe for you and your baby. They clearly explain how to do it as safely as possible and it might help you catch up on much needed sleep.

For waking up, it’s also worth checking they’re warm enough in their crib - how cold does your bedroom get at night? There are also things like osteopaths who can check whether newborns have any discomfort from birth that may make lying flat more uncomfortable.

Ultimately, newborn sleep can be really brutal. I think lots of books/info don’t prepare you for the torture that is sleep deprivation. And sleep ‘experts’ sell you fixes that often don’t work. It does get easier, I promise. I hope you have someone close who can get you slightly back on track with your sleep and things will seem a lot better.

Have you tried a dummy?

Unfortunately formula won't guarantee a stretch of sleep without still needing to be held.

Have you considered co sleeping?

You must be utterly on your knees with exhaustion 😩 These first few weeks are really really hard even with a partner, so I honestly think you're a superhero for doing this alone.
We found a swaddle (daughter loves "Happiest Baby 5 second swaddle") made all the difference, although obviously every baby is different. I breastfed out of the swaddle, then would swaddle her tightly and give a bottle of milk to top up, wait half an hour and then attempt to put into the cot.
Sending lots of love. Wish there was a way local MNetters could help for a few hours to give you a sleep!

I know you're tired but this was rude.

Honestly- you're doing amazing. This is an insanely hard shift for a single mum.

I've got an exclusive breastfed 5 month old. I went through the cluster feeding stage and was at breaking point thinking he was hungry- he wasn't- he just wanted comforted. If his weight gain is fine - avoid the formula as it can just introduce more digestive issues and constipation and you'll have the hassle of finding the right formula and sterilising bottles etc on top (3 friends in my antenatal group say they wish they could go back and avoid combi feeding for this reason).

Can you sleep for a few hours in the day/evening with baby on your chest/boob with mum watching to make sure your both safe and don't change position? I did this and by 2 months my baby was sleeping through the night on his back so don't listen to anyone who says this habit will be impossible to break. Your baby just needs comfort and connection at this stage.

You're doing great. This stage will be over in the blink of an eye. Hang in there!

Same, it was the only way to do it to get sleep and it worked for us.

Teach your mom how to do the bottle and burp the baby afterwards.

When she is up and ready for the day give her the baby, with a bottle ready to go. Go back to bed.

In your shoes I'd be buying one of the chairs that rock the baby, a dummy, literally everything that could help your mom do a 4 hour shift. Show her how to play white noise. Learn how to safely swaddle. Whatever it takes to just get some sleep. And if your mom can't do it, enlist a friend. If you were my friend I'd be there in a heartbeat ready to put a shift in!

How was the birth ?
I would go to a baby specialised osteopath. There are several reasons why your baby is uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Can your Mother take the baby out for a walk in the pram immediately after a feed? You sleep then, no tidying, showering, prepping. You go and Immediately lie on bed in the dark. & sleep.
The baby will probably sleep with the motion, either way you wont hear it !

In that case, I wouldn’t bother switching to formula just in the hope that it helps sleep. Obviously switch if you want to for any other reason.

I’d look at co sleeping and the guidelines on safety for that. I slept for months on my side with DD1 latched on. I snoozed during afternoon feeds in that position as well

We got a secondhand Snoo off Gumtree and it saved us. Expensive but we sold it for the exact same amount as soon as he grew out of it, so it was like a rental really.

ETA: sorry you’re going through this. It’s a hard phase.

Also - does baby sleep in pram or carrier? I'm not sure what your mums fitness is like but could she take him out for a long walk while you nap? Mine would fall asleep in the pram then stay asleep for 30-60 minutes after getting home so could give me potentially 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

OP, formula will not guarantee a stretch of sleep. There is absolutely no truth in this whatsoever. Breastmilk is best for your baby, so if breastfeeding is not the issue then please carry on with that.

I have breastfed two babies. Neither slept unless we co slept. Co sleep safely, follow safe sleep guidelines and you can feed lying down.

Please do NOT put your baby to sleep on a bean ba like a pp mentioned (unbelievable)

No, OP seemed genuinely confused. The advice was based on two sharing duties. OP has been clear she is mostly alone.
Why jump on the thread to scold her?
"I know you're tired, but?"
For real?????