Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

No it wasn't. I think the op was very polite considering how utterly irrelevant that post was. If anything it was rubbing salt into the wound!

Look into co-sleeping safely op. Could you look at a 'next to me" cot?

Definitely give formula a whirl. I really hope one of these suggestions works for you

Cosleep. I had two children that wouldn’t entertain a second not touching me and a husband that works away during the week so was on my own. It was the only way I got any sleep. Look at the feeding lying down position (you’re in a c position and baby in the middle of that C, baby falls asleep and you can gently roll rhem on to their back (although often my two managed to do that themselves!). And the safe sleep 7 and lullaby trust. If you have a breastfeeding support group near you then go along to that and they can show you the feeding position and safe sleep position.

honestly I coudknt be bothered with formula, baby then needs burping and you would also need to pump to replace that feed or your supply will drop, especially in these early weeks where your supply is still establishing. Then you’ve got to clean the pump!

You’re in the thick of it but it will get easier.

Baby would have to be watched as prams etc are not recommended for sleep unattended.

Not correct. Mine is sleep safe for over night. Obviously depends on the model but many bassinets are now sleep safe.

My fourth baby is the same age as yours so yes I hear you. Ive had many sleepless nights up with my children since my eldest was born and I’ve ebf them all. The tiredness is real and will rob all the joy from motherhood.

If you’re breastfeeding cosleeping is really the only way to survive in my experience. Especially long term. It’s how nature intended so there’s a reason it feels much easier. As others have said, look up the lullaby trust, la leche leagues safe sleep 7, there’s cosleeping groups on insta/fb which can help you with making your set up as safe as possible. Plenty of good info out there with the internet to help.

Learning to breastfeed while sidelying is the game changing skill. The key is to pull baby down a bit lower than you think and to tuck their bum in so they’re lying tummy to tummy with you.

They very quickly get the hang of it and before you know it you’ll be barely cracking an eyelid open to latch them back on and you will feel so much more rested.

If your mum is able to sit on the sofa and relax watching tv after baby has had a feed she can enjoy a lovely grandbaby cuddle and you can snooze yourself. Often find there’s less pressure on me to sleep if I lie down on the sofa myself and watch tv. Can often drift off for a little nap which can be very restorative when you’re this sleep deprived knowing baby is safe with your mum.

Hang in there, you’re doing brilliantly. They aren’t little newborns forever and if breastfeeding is going well then long term will be much easier than bottle feeding.

It wasn't rude at all. The OP made her situation clear and that poster replied with a completely irrelevant story about getting her husband to help with their baby, who slept fine in a cot.

First off, you’ve not been remotely rude and I’m a bit surprised anyone thinks you have been. last thing you need is a. people smugly telling you what worked for them and b. people telling you off for being ‘rude’ when you were actually quite gracious, all things considered!
Gosh those first few weeks are hideous at times aren’t they? Mine were the same, couldn’t put them down for a moment without them crying, at least for the first month or so. Have you got a next-to-me type cot? May be worth getting, as you’ll have a degree of separation but baby will still feel close. You may get some sleep that way.
Unfortunately nothing is a definitely and nothing anyone recommends will guarantee that you’ll get more sleep. That’s just the way of it. Breastfeeding is very important if you can manage it, so don’t feel you need to give it up in the, possibly, vain hope of getting some more sleep.

That wasn't rude. It was a pretty privileged comment.

jen, I'd accept that maybe some formula and a bit more crying might have to be tolerated for a while. Newborns do sometimes grizzle when they wind down. I was always to anxious to co-sleep. It is early days though and you will find your feet. Remember you're still recovering from birth too.

Sending a big hug because this is really tough , a few things that helped me and could be worth a try ;

• love to dream swaddle sacks were a game changer for us and allowed the baby to be very slowly transfered to the cot once in a deep sleep (after 20mins or so) they are expensive so have a look on vinted.
• try introducing a bed time routine even from this age so same order of bath / jarmies/ story/ feed and then bed at the same time each day it’s suprising how quickly they can recognise that those things mean it’s time for sleep
• white noise at night time - again to help form sleep associations
• I combi fed due to low supply from previous surgery but I would offer a larger bottle of formula before bed and let the baby decide how much they want to take
• also have you been to any mum and baby group yet- it’s surprising how much it helps meeting other mums going through the same things at the same time - I honestly think the mums WhatsApp group saved me at times.

just remember you are doing an amazing job this is the toughest time for most people with a partner so that fact you are doing this on your own makes it even harder.

My dear, first I am giving you a warm and safe hug and telling you that there is an end to this. I felt how you felt - I was seriously experiencing beyond the “normal” levels of newborn sleep deprivation, which I believe you are. I would read on Reddit etc. stories of people who felt like that but finally got through it and felt like I would be the one person that didn’t. That stage did pass and now I am a happy and healthy mum to a beautiful 7-month-old. What “saved” me was renting a Snoo from Baboodle. It might not work for you, but please do a bit of research about it and consider if it’s worth a shot. I couldn’t put my baby down to sleep ANYWHERE until we rented the Snoo. She started only going down for like a 20-minute nap and then maybe an hour (which even then felt like an absolute blessing). But after a few attempts she would do a few hours in there at a time. I just want to say that I know how hard this is and that it can make you feel a bit crazy when you hear of others whose babies are sleeping in the bedside cribs from day 1. Another thing to strongly consider is safe bed-sharing. My daughter grew out of the Snoo and we now bed-share as it’s the only way to protect both our sleep. We can fearmongered about it a lot in the west but there is research to show that a breastfed baby, with no “aggravating factors” like a drunk/drowsily medicated/smoker parent or extra pillows / heavy bedding, etc., is at no greater risk than a baby in a separate sleeping space. It also might help to see a GP at this stage (I needed some Sertraline which helped take the edge off the massive anxiety).

Also in this camp, opening one eye to shift baby back on to the boob is very different to getting out of bed, sitting up and trying to stay awake for a feed numerous times a night

I say this without shitting on any other mums choices but it is nature, no donkey, cat or monkey is getting up 5 times a night and trying to sleep train

Is your dad around? Is he happier giving bottles?

But if OP's mum is with baby while OP is asleep and baby is hungry the mum needs to feed the baby and not wake up OP to bf.
OP doesn't need to be afraid to combo feed.

There is nothing wrong with giving formula.

Maybe hungry. Mine breastfed but drank it from the bottle. He drank loads. He was on 150-180ml of breastmilk every 3 hours at about 1 month old

We had this for the first few weeks. Can't imagine how hard it is solo. Formula did not improve sleep for us and I would have needed to pump to avoid supply drop so it did not help especially when needing to clean and sterilise bottles, put milk in fridge etc. What worked for us to get him used to cot:
Nappy first then feed back to sleep
Waiting until he was very asleep on me
Warming cot mattress with hot water bottle before taking out
My t shirt as fitted sheet
Ewan sheep for red light and heart beat noise. No other light
Slowly put down bum first with me still touching for 10mins.
Swaddle
Had a next to me with side down so could reach over

Eventually after keeping trying he got used to the next to me which gave 2hrs stretches. We also didn't try for sleep until later in the evening. He didn't want a dummy.

I’d also try co sleep op if you have no help

no pillows or blankets, just wrap up warm yourself in layers of clothes - I used to put a pillow behind my back to keep me on my side and the baby would just sleep next to me and could get access to milk whenever!

what about the buggy? Would the baby sleep being wheeled? Would you mum take baby for a walk so you can sleep

i actually found it easier to get some sleep on the day sometimes rather than night

As many people have said, cosleeping is probably the best option here. It can be done safely. I was nervous but as the options seemed to be: plan to cosleep safely, or accidentally cosleep unsafely due to exhaustion, I went with the former. I suspect switching to formula won’t help as it doesn’t sound like your baby is hungry, just wants to be near you. It especially won’t help if you don’t have someone willing to actually feed the baby for you. It’s just adding the steps of making up and washing up and sterilising bottles in to your routine rather than getting your boob out.

I coslept with mine from newborn and learned to feed lying down. I barely woke for feeds- just got him latched on then back to sleep for both of us. I remember people commenting when he was a few weeks old how well rested I looked - I was getting 2x3 hour stretches because of this approach. Also works for naps of course!

I did (do 😂) have a husband who used to hold the baby for about 4 hours in the evening, but did nothing overnight (because it wasn’t necessary not because he was a twat!)

Yes, the manual that comes with will have that info. 😊

Op has already said mum isn't comfortable giving bottle. She can also express. My breastfed baby takes breastmilk from a bottle.She doesn't need to be afraid of combi feeding but should look at alternatives that will make things easier in the long run.

Congratulations on your lovely baby and sending hugs the first few weeks are so tough as a single parent. Does baby bring alot of milk back up could they have reflux? Defo try either expressing or formula - Emmas Diary or NHS site has guidance on amounts per baby's weight. My baby loved a nighttime bath it used to settle him for a good few hours sleep xx

Is the baby’s father not around or available at all as in dead or dangerous?
If neither of those things are the case, he needs to get his arse around to your mother’s house and start helping

OP I combi feed for this reason and it's great, make a bottle with a few oz in it at night. I know people say theres no proof to it but in my experience and at my baby classes the bottlefed babies sleep better as it takes them a lot longer to digest the formula. Even HV agreed but I feel like theres so much push to BF that people forget about mums health too.
During the day take baby outside and expose to as much natural light as possible, itll help your MH too and helps if they have day/night confused. Use a swaddle, love to dream is amazing!
Can you wear the cot sheet down your top or something so it smells like you and your milk.

Maybe her mum can learn how to use a bottle, it's not rocket science, you simply but it in babies mouth and they do the rest, then burp them...

Expressing isnt for everyone and is a lot of work in itself. I breastfeed, pump and give formula and pumping is my least favourite.

hey it’s tough, i had a baby like this i didn’t go down the formula route i felt it wouldn’t help things, it’s unfortunately a phase. i found ‘safe ‘co sleeping going to bed really early with the baby and having co sleeping naps throughout the day the thing which helped keep some sanity. my husband didn’t help at night was 6 months of semi exhaustion. but everyone jumping on saying formula helps is not particularly helpful some baby’s are just like this. my second ws not. doesn’t help drs don’t really take it seriously reflux. i hope you get some rest. don’t worry about getting dressed doing anything your in the trenches it gets easier www.lullabytrust.org.uk/baby-safety/safer-sleep-information/co-sleeping/

Bed sharing will probably be safer than looking after a baby on no sleep. Definitely safer than falling asleep with baby on a chair or sofa. I live in a European country outside the UK and hardly anyone puts their baby in a cot, but they are very conscious of the safety guidance for co sleeping.