Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I had a similar experience with my first, she just wouldn't sleep I was so tired I saw flashing lights, had optical migraines, hallucinations. It was horrific. I look at photos now and I'm like a shell, a grey shell. After a couple of weeks I was at the GPs for something unrelated and she said 'look up co-sleeping, don't tell your health visitor'. HV were against co-sleeping at the time. So I did, we ended up drilling holes in the cot to lower it so it would fit next to the bed. I slept naked on my side, half in the cot, facing DD, wearing a dressing gown tied behind me, blanket wrapped around my legs, she was in a baby sleeping bag. She fed, I slept. It was a revelation. And from being on the cusp of being unwell, or maybe I was unwell I had terrible anxiety, I started to feel so much more myself. She slept there for a couple of years until she moved into her toddler bed in her big girl room. And I did the same from birth with DS, I had a much better experience that time.

I'll just finish by saying both my kids sleep fine now in their own beds, no problems, it has not caused a rod for my own back. And these days will come for you, these hard days will be a memory you're sharing on Mumsnet to another exhausted mum. Good luck and I know you will find your solution.

I agree mum can learn but can appreciate her worrying. My husband hated giving my baby his first few bottles as my BF baby wasn't used to it so kept choking and spitting it back out. He obviously worked through it and baby got used to it. Not "rocket science" but can be more complicated than simply putting it in their mouth - finding right teets and bottles for BF baby, if it's formula and baby prefers breastmilk then they're more likely to cry and reject. All babies are different of course.

There are times when it is safe for breast feeding mums to co-sleep. If your not smoking, drinking or talking drugs/medication that makes you drowsy. Get advice from the health visitor.
Formula may help if you have a partner who will help with the night feeds.

Expressing /pumping is exhausting as well.
I'd buy premixed bottles for mum which is the absolute easiest.

God I've been there. No sleep is torture. Formula won't necessarily make baby sleep but do you have a friend? They could come round and give baby a bottle while you have a nap?
Also look and see if home start is in your area they was a god send with my wee one when I got 3 hours sleep in three days I was delusional. Would your mum be able to watch you do a contact nap while you slept too to make sure he dosent fall or suffocate? That helped me too I had someone just watch me sleep while in a chair with baby.

None of my 3 DC would take a bottle. I co slept with all of them and breastfed them without fully waking up. I slept on a mattress on the floor and had the baby on a cot mattress on a pallet next to me so it was the same height as my mattress. That way they had their own space but they were right next to me for easy feeding and comfort.

We also followed the ideas in The Happiest Baby by Harvey Karp which was a life saver with DC1 who wouldn't sleep. It recommended replicating the conditions in the womb: swaddling, swaying, shushing etc. We discovered that a combination of swaddling and white noise would make him sleep.

The first weeks are very tough.

I would go for 50/60 mls of formula. My first slept so much better than my other 2 and I've always thought it was because I mix fed and ebf with the other 2.

i would persist in showing your dm how to bottle feed, and go and have a sleep on your own.
sleep when the baby sleeps

Ah OP I understand how you are feeling. My first baby refused to go in the cot, or sleep, or let me put her down. It is beyond exhausting.

In the end my hand was forced and I co slept because this meant we got some sleep.

I would say if your baby will take formula then it's worth giving it a go to see if that helps.

My husband used to get up early with our baby, around 5.00am in the morning and see to the baby for an hour and a half to let me get some sleep. Obviously that didn't resolve my tiredness but just having some space from the baby does wonders for your mental health. Could you try this with your mum taking baby?

You will be ok, you will sleep again 💐

It all sounds exhausting but normal. They don’t even know they are a separate being from you. Have you got a next to me crib so they can be close but separate from you.

Alsi remember that dummy’s were made to replicate a nipple. They do not use nipples as dummy’s, they are doing what they should be doing. That said you could try one to see if it helps

Do you swaddle ? Babies like to feel snug esp after being in your tummy for months so I do recommend it or love to dream

have you tried a dummy to settle so that baby doesn’t use your boobs as a comforter , once you have fed

feeding via a bottle whether ebm or formula can help so you know how much milk baby has had - also mean you get a break as someone else can help settle /feed

try and find the right teat that is similar to the flow of breast milk to reduce any choking.

DD was exactly the same - for the first couple of weeks she only wanted to sleep on someone's chest. I found that music really helped her - I would play a Spotify classical playlist for babies that overlaid simple classical music onto the sound of a heartbeat/ womb sound while she was breastfeeding to sleep. And then I would leave Ewan the dream sheep next to her cot. She liked sleeping in a sleepyhead as it kept her cocooned, I don't know whether those are still a thing. An alternative might be one of those "next to me" cots that clip to your bed.

I'm not sure formula would help baby sleep more though if you are struggling to express it is a good shout as if your mum can get a bit more confident to watch the baby for a few hours in the day so you can nap that will make such a difference (alternatively is there a good friend you can ask?). A bottle of formula here and there doesn't need to bring breastfeeding to an end.

so Hes 12 days old? They have no idea about sleep at that stage, your breast milk contains melatonin which he lacks so there’s no gaurentee a bottle will make him sleep.

Babies feed a lot at this stage because they are putting their order in with your body so it will be a lot of small feeds regularly. Their stomachs are too small for big feeds.

That's tough OP. Hoping your baby starts sleeping better soon.

This will pass xxx

There is no guarantee that formula will make your baby sleep OP, look up the fourth trimester, it is really very normal for babies to want to be on mum constantly and not settle anywhere else, I know it is tough but it is totally normal.

Could your mum, or someone else, sit with baby for a couple of hours during the day so you can sleep then? My advice for the first weeks really would be focus on total sleep in 24 hrs, because one long stretch at night won’t be doable. I’m currently breastfeeding my second baby and now at 12 weeks he is doing better stints but in the early weeks my husband would take him after a feed at 7am ish so I could sleep for a couple of hours or until he needed fed, bring him back to me to feed again and then take him away so I could get another hour or so, and the same in the afternoon so that in a 24 hour period I’d be getting 6-8 hours of sleep just in chunks rather than in one go, could your mum do this for you? It’s not ideal but it’s temporary and the chunks keep you going.

No judgement whatsoever on how you choose to feed but if you want to breastfeed don’t switch to formula on the hope it will = sleep. My godson was formula fed and didn’t sleep more than 30 mins without being held for months, my niece was breastfed and slept 3 hour stints from birth- every baby is different. Even between my two, both breastfed, my daughter is a rubbish sleeper and my son is a much better sleeper.

Solidarity, it is not easy but it does get better x

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I had thls next to me in the bed for my little one. It helped with sleep for both of us and felt safe.

It's really hard, but you will sleep again and it will pass. You're still very much recovering after the birth and those first few weeks are so difficult. You're doing brilliantly. Hang in there

I'm sorry my advice was so irrelevant to you. At the time of posting I didn't know you were single and had no help.
Wrongly making the assumption that you might have someone able to help you, I merely said that we did the nights in shifts so that we could both sleep. I also mentioned my recliner chair which I used to sleep in, with the baby on me if necessary.
Ignore the post if it is of no relevance.

I feel for you, lack of sleep is awful.
I would highly recommend an ostheopath for the baby (and maybe you too)
Its really helped my kids, I got my twins seen at 2 weeks old and it really helped it settle them. They were very squished in pregnancy then a roughish labour left them so clingy and unhappy.
I took my eldest too and still do every once in a while and shes 5.
I will also say, I bf my eldest for 3 years, she could not or would not take a bottle, she was even tube fed as a baby with both formula and exp bm. If you can introduce a bottle, do. It did turn out she had ENT issues which hindered that.
Only 1 twin latched and I used to pump when I could, after 6 weeks they were both on formula. I've had 2 very different feeding journeys. You do what's best for you. You can't pour from an empty cup x

Oh I’m so sorry it’s so very hard. I’m sure others have said, but practice feeding lying downs it’s an absolute game changer. I coslept from day one, you can do it safely if you meet safe sleep guidelines. Even being able to close your eyes and rest while feeding is a relief.

I really feel for you OP. My first was a bit like yours, never slept unless on the move or attached to my boob.
The first few weeks I spend like you, desperately trying to stay awake while he slept in my arms but that meant I couldn't sleep.
I was fortunate enough to have a DP but baby refused a bottle even from a few weeks old and from about 6pm in the evening baby would just scream for boob and nothing else would do. DP therefore would only manage to give me an hour or two at best each night.

The only thing that saved us was co sleeping. Before having baby I vowed I would never cosleep but with babbie like ours it's far safer than getting no sleep and risking dropping them, falling asleep unsafe on the sofa etc.

I learnt to feed lying down on my side on the bed then we fell asleep like that. Look up guidelines for safe cosleeping. I would advise sleeping on a towel though if baby is inclined to split up to avoid too much washing of sheets!

Much solidarity to you. It will pass, but it is so tough when you're in the midst of it. Well done for all you're doing to try to do the best for your baby.

Msake your partner sleep elsewhere and look up safe co sleeping guidance from the lullaby trust. Safe co sleeping and learning to breastfeed also lying down are both complete game changes. That’s how humans and babies have evolved, trying to put a tiny baby out of reach in a cot is a complete waste of time IMO and is a modern western thing anyway.

Learn how to cosleep safely. Newborns don't like the cot.

With my first I was at the end of my tether with lack of sleep. Ended up co sleeping at 6 weeks, never looked back. Co slept with my other two as well (still am with littlest, 7)

Co sleeping can be safe, in fact most of the world do it. if you have a few quiet hours today with baby on your chest do some research. It’s a very personal decision but it can be done safely. All my 3 slept beautifully next to me in safety.

try to be kind to yourself today, a bath or something nice to eat.

No, it wasn’t rude at all!

OP doesn’t need chastising but you clearly do!

OP was perfectly polite (restrained even) and the poster was unbelievably dim to write that drivel about her supportive perfect partner. How on earth does that help the OP as a single parent with a much older mum? 🤦🏻‍♀️