Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

I introduced formula for this reason and it didn’t help at all. I think this is a myth. Is anyone else there to help you? They can deal with baby while you sleep and bring them to you for a feed, then take them away to settle as you go back to sleep?
honestly, it can take months so it’s incredibly hard. And even if they settle, then something happens (teething, leap, growth) and it goes all back to square 1. Get all the help you can get.

Co sleep and feed lying down during the night. During the day, remember your baby is TINY and everything will change. If you need to sit on the sofa all day and hold/ feed that is fine. My baby is 10 weeks old and the early days feel forever ago. I am not single but DH doesn’t help at all during the night. I promise it gets better!

This isn’t any help to you now, but I need to post to show solidarity. This is really rough right now, I’ve been there.

My eldest boy was exactly like this, he literally didn’t sleep. I couldn’t even set him down so I could use the toilet, there were mornings where I had a digestive biscuit for breakfast as it was the easiest thing I could grab with one hand.

It was awful, but it passed.

As my health visitor said, the N*sis used sleep deprivation as a form of torture, it is torture.

As others have said, I co slept with him, and found things massively improved after that.

Also to add as no-one else has.

Breastfeeding is HARD to establish in the beginning compared to formula feeding, especially for a 1st time Mum.
But in the long-run it is SO much EASIER, not having to sterilise and prepare bottles, warm them in the night, pack them for outings, etc.

You're doing so well OP x

We had the same situation after I gave birth to my daughter 2 years ago. She just would not sleep unless she was touching me. I was going delerious too. You need to accept the cosleeping is the only way you will get any rest and do it safley rather than ending up doing it accidentally. Cosleeping is the norm in most of the world, its only in the west we torture ourselves by trying to get tiny newborn babies to sleep independently. The basics are you need to sleep on a firm matress and in the cuddle curl position, and on your own without your husband in the bed ideally. During the night instead of moving the baby to feed you can move yourself on either side of the baby to feed her lying down. Our bed was too soft to cosleep so we bought a firm latex topper to go on top of it. There is a matress firmness test you can do do, you can find it online. Good luck xxx (sorry I forgot, pull the duvet up to your waist level only and tuck the rest under the bottom of the matress so you cant pull it up during the night).

Not a popular opinion but give your baby formula and you will sleep again! The midwife described the consistency of formula as porridge and the breastmilk as watered down milk. With formula they have a full tummy and sleep longer stretches. I formula fed my 3 babies from day 1 they were waking up only once during the night and from 3 months onwards all them slept through the night.

I was in your position and I coslept as it was the only way mine would sleep - after about a month she would go on the mattress rather than my chest. But I had to be nearby to put a hand on her little chest of she started wriggling

I had a little baby blanket I wrapped her in when breastfeeding and I think she liked the smell of it so it always got used for nighttime

Husband wasn’t in the bed

i had a single duvet for me and my DD was in a sleep bag and had a mat thing with raised sides so she couldn’t roll off. Nonetheless I had stuff on the floor in case she did

In the meantime, someone needs to hold your baby for several hours so you can have a sleep!!!

There are cosleeping cots

I'm so sorry. I admit I haven't read all the replies, so apologies.

My now 13 month old was (and is) very similar.

Will your boy sleep on his dad? Will he sleep in a pram / carseat? Can his dad take him out for a walk / drive so you can get some sleep.

I didn't want to but I had to cosleep eventually because she simply would not sleep in a moses / cosleeper etc. (Only started cosleeping at 2 months, was too fearful before then). My partner and I used to do shifts when she was very small so that I could sleep, and he'd give her expressed milk or formula, but she would not sleep on him! He was able to keep her quiet though so that I could sleep, which was a godsend.

Breast milk adapts consistency according to the feedback it receives from the babies saliva though so it’s not always thin.

A neonate has undeveloped kidneys anyway so couldn’t take too much water without risking electrolyte imbalances & swelling on the brain.

Just read all your posts and if it’s the case that you would still have to give bottles yourself and your mum isn’t really able to help do shifts at night then I would keep breastfeeding as you’re doing an amazing job and the feeds will really start to lessen as the baby comes out of the 4th trimester.

The only way to get more sleep is definitely co sleeping, it’s much more common than you’d think, you just need to make sure you’ve set up the bed and your position safely but it makes life so much easier when breastfeeding as they can just wake and immediately feed while you’re laid on your side, no having to go downstairs to make up bottles. It’s much safer to plan for co sleeping than it is to accidentally fall asleep with your baby.

This isn't always the case. None of mine would sleep in a cot as a newborn. I combi fed my first based on statements like yours, and he never slept through. I exclusively breastfed the next two and, once we got through the newborn phase, they just slept through.
I honestly don't believe formula or breast milk make any difference to baby sleep.

I love the support and advice on this thread.
I didn't produce milk and so went with formula, it made no difference to my non sleeper. Hell, when, he was having three meals a day at nursery, two with me and milk at night he still only slept in 90m -2hr intervals.

I wish someone had told me to tag someone else in and not do it alone. I wish someone had told me to co keeper.
Even if that means scrapping the cot and doing a floor bed if you can't with your safety cosleep with a partner.
I had a bad ex who didn't help at all. I wish I'd found the courage to hold him accountable to our child.

Also around 11m I put my foot down went to a hotel, check-in at 7pm went straight to sleep and woke up for late checkout at 12pm, didn't even stir to pee. This was life saving. Yes on formula, so someone else could do the overnight, but honestly that
Saved my life, sanity and I felt so much better after one night. So the ideas others are suggesting about getting help will definitely help. Be brave, you don't have to go through this alone. It's not normal. And you don't have to suffer.

There is no evidence that formula makes babies sleep longer. I co-slept part of the night. Napped through the day. At the weekend my DH got up with baby while I slept. He then took baby to me for feeding. Mine slept the longest early evening so I was going to bed then, even if it was 7pm.

I had no other help because no family locally and DH worked away. Nobody was going to wash and make bottles for me so that would have been more work for me to do.

Also Bubble the childcare app, do nighttime services. If you can afford it could you pay someone to do a night shift for you money allows and if nobody is prepared to do it for free!

I wish this was around when I had my son, I would have been doing it monthly! Screw the cost!

I used to put dd in a sling and then sleep sitting whilst propped up on the sofa.
I am sending you love and hugs. Lack of sleep seriously damaged my mental health.

Your beloved mother will just have to put on the big girl pants and TRY! When she’s on duty put on ear defenders and remember she had babies too. Also, try for an extra burp before putting the baby down.

Nope - you got lucky with your babies. Formula is no guarantee of extending sleep.

and I say that as someone that combi fed then went full formula

Yeah that sucks. Newborns are seriously hard work. Unfortunately what you describe is completely normal.

I wouldn’t rush to bottle feed. That isnt the silver bullet and then you are in to cleaning and washing bottles, making up bottles in the night etc. I know those who breastfed whose babies slept well and bottle fed who slept poorly - and vice versa.

I would look into other things as people have said - swaddling, give your baby a dummy, co sleeping, sleeping when baby sleeps etc.

Try not to fixate on night and day - just sleep when baby does and they figure it out. Take the baby out in the day for light - their circadian rhythms might move to the right times .

As they get older their stomachs get bigger and the start to sleep longer. Good luck.

Give him a full bottle before bed, make up 4-5oz whatever you think he’d be on, doesn’t matter if he doesn’t finish it but have the option there I combine fed my last 3, was great as I got long stretches at night but then bf them during the day. Even when they woke at 3/4/5am it was a bottle sat ready next to bed. I always give them that room temp so they got used to it so I never had to get up during the night to warm bottles. I’d bf them at night aswell if they finished the bottle and looked for more. Your baby seems extremely attached to you already so I’m not sure any advise will work in regards to feeding though. Sit with your mother on her first bottle feed with him. Wind him every oz, don’t be afraid to tap his back with pressure, I see so may new mothers give the gentlest tap with their fingers and the baby squirming full of wind, when I winded mine you could hear the loud taps on their backs but they never had issues with wind and usually came up almost immediately 😂 Trust me, babies would much prefer you put the effort in with getting their wind up lol I really hope you get some rest soon. Ask your PHN for advice and help but if she says don’t formula feed ignore that. Sorry forgot to mention swaddling, I found mine slept brilliant being swaddled. If his arms and feet are swinging about it might be startling him. Anything’s worth a try.

All the best OP, you are doing a great job!
I've had two very different children but they both preferred being held at that age. I (still) call them Koala and Possum due to the clinging to mother stage!
DS wouldn't latch properly so went on formula after 10 weeks of expressing (expressing fulltime was awful, I do not recommend, but I did my best. So hard with the time spent expressing, cleaning the pump, feeding the baby etc. much easier once on formula). Even on formula, still woke regularly throughout the night, still wanted to fall asleep on me. Wish I had co-slept, but it was frowned upon at that time.
DD exclusively BF, famously even refused a bottle of expressed milk, straight to a cup etc. Still woke throughout the night, preferred sleeping with me. I decided to co-sleep and be damned (and didn't tell my HV). Much better nights, could snooze when she did etc.
Having said all that, OP it is hard work whichever way you do it. But you are at the pointy end and need some help. As PP have said there are good guidelines for safe co-sleeping which hopefully will give you a chance to snooze when baby does.
Also pls speak to your HV about the lack of sleep, you need some help.
You are amazing!

Absolutely poor advice. So using your analogy you think giving a new born baby porridge is a good idea? Perhaps breast milk is actually what the baby needs as it produced by the mother to nourish her child?

I am not advocating either - I am extending the analogy by the poster onky.

Aww honey, I remember that first period and It is truly awful 😱amother vote for co sleeping here as well
Sending you a hug, it does get easier, promise xx

Tight swaddle, dummy, very loud white noise.

A sling for daytime naps so baby gets enough day time sleep and isn’t over tired at night

Have you tried swaddling? Love to Dreams are really good, or ones where you swaddle with arms down. It really helped our baby sleep longer stretches in his next to me. He also used to wake up loads and just want to sleep on us. A lot of the time his startle reflex would wake him, so the swaddles helped with this.
It's so hard OP, I do feel for you.

All 3 of mine had to sort of learn to sleep in a cot, and I don't mean sleep training. Often I tackled this bit in the day time when things feel more manageable. So I might swaddle the baby while holding them and then once they are deeply asleep gently transfer to cot while still wrapped up warm. Also was critical not to be putting them on a cold surface. I found a more fleecy or flannel sheet to help with this a lot. Others used a Luke warm hot water bottle to preheat the cot a little (just take the edge off chill, not hot, and remove before baby is in). Another child i would walk with them in sleep safe pram to get them to sleep then leave in there (inside the house) once they were asleep. I would wheel the pram into the living room then sleep on the sofa. These were all just methods to gradually get them used to sleeping without being held. All 3 of mine used a dummy at for various lengths of time which helped enormously with the comfort sucking. Lastly, where are you in the country? If you were anywhere near me I would love to come and sit with your mum and help her so that you can get some sleep. Sending hugs.