Please help Newborn baby - I can't go on with no sleep.

[Jennifer48]

I am posting because my mental health is taking a battering due to sleep deprivation since I gave birth to my beautiful baby on 26 January. I have slept just a few scattered hours since then. The nights are excruciating: the baby doesn't sleep at nights, he certainly doesn't settle in the cot and just howls if he isn't at my breast/stomach or on a pillow in front of me, and obviously I can't sleep in that position.
I am, after a shaky start, breastfeeding him, which I am glad about, but if me getting sleep entails moving on to formula, I will do it but I want to make sure it will definitely result in my getting sleep because that's what's breaking me. I manage to express some milk but giving it to him at night does has no impact on the situation at all. His nappies and weight gain are all good and he is back at his birth weight so he is getting sufficient nutrition from the breast, but won't sleep anywhere other than against my chest, stomach or on a pillow in front of me for longer than five minutes- and obviously I can't fall asleep in that position. I hear parents talk about getting three or four hours or sleep with envy; I literally have got none the past two nights and was almost delirious, I nearly fell with him in my arms last night (thankfully I didn't).
I've heard that's not unusual for a baby not to stay in the cot but I've also heard this phase could go on for weeks or months.. but I am at breaking point now- imagining things, feeling extremely low. There is no joy in this.

Will the baby sleep if he’s wrapped in a sling and cuddling up to a warm body? Can you get your mum to try this and take the baby out for a couple of hours whilst you get some sleep?

You poor woman, that sounds exhausting. Neither of my babies slept so I can relate. As other people have mentioned, give up on the cot – lots of babies refuse to sleep in them. Look up safe co-sleeping, and do that. It is the ONLY way I could get any sleep (still didn’t get much, but it was infinitely better). Don’t give up breastfeeding; it’s the best way to get babies to fall asleep when you’re co-sleeping. You don’t have to get up in the night and faff about with bottles.

Also, could you ask your mum to take him out in the pram for a walk – then you can have a nap? Good luck!

Don’t feel any guilt about giving a bottle. A baby having a mother that is around and mentally able is better than not. If it works, brilliant, if it doesn’t, then you can drop it.
Have you checked things out like silent reflux?
Also I had to swaddle my DD and she would only sleep in a small space. I put the carrycot thing from a Phil and Teds (she is 17!) in the Moses basket and she slept swaddled in that.These first few weeks are about survival. As long as it’s safe and it works then it’s ok!

A Friend used to leave the baby with her partner occasionally and sleep alone in a premier inn.

We had to have our baby (now 18!) between us in bed, swaddled on a moses bed mattress, on top of our duvet, otherwise we would have gone mad as he was awake most of the night and slept most of the day!
I'm not sure if this was ideal, but one night when I was exhausted and feeding him in bed at night I accidentally fell asleep and when I woke up his head was lolling back, which was scary, so this worked much better for us. We also had to play a loud lullaby all night!
Remember this is a stage and most stages are short with babies.

PLEASE try Infacol - I exclusively breastfed and despite this being my second baby I also couldn’t settle him for sleep (despite being a winding pro.) He was also not getting any sleep!
A friend recommended Infacol before feds and he started sleeping 6+ hours the same day (NO JOKE) he was just super uncomfortable and needed comfort from me.
Hes now 3 months and we don’t need Infacol anymore.

My DS was like this, it was truly hell. he actually ended up having a dairy allergy.
Things that helped
Me not eating dairy
Infacol/gripe water
Co-sleeping

My first son was just the same.
Well done for persevering with breastfeeding.
I co slept with baby, then I could roll over and feed him when he woke. We both got to sleep much more quickly again after that. And it saves all the disruption to them of getting them up out of cot and putting down again. I never felt the need to give a bottle and parter didn't help either (he slept in separate room). I know it feels endless now but I promise it won't be forever!

No it wasn't, she was genuinely pointing out she couldn't find the element that was helpful advice. The things suggested aren't available to the OP.

Perhaps you haven't been at your wits end through lack of sleep but last thing you want to hear is how much wonderful sleep someone else is getting.

Is he in a next2me bed at your bedside? That way you are close and he can still smell you/ you can pat him gently when he starts moving so he knows you are there. Could also be cluster feeding. I breast fed both mine, every time they woke I'd check nappy and change if needed, then sit up with them on the boob until they were fast asleep and gently put back down putting them down sooo slowly so as not to wake them, sometimes temp changes between you and a sheet can wake them you can try holding them in a muslin to feed and put them down with the muslin underneath them or tommee tippee sleeping bags are brilliant

OP please look at whether your baby has CMPA - cows milk protein allergy, or reflux (silent type possibly).

Signs of either can be, hiccupy, overly posseting, wriggling in discomfort after feed, scrunched like a ball, spots that redden during/after feed (not talking about milk spots).

If he's wanting to be held upright I would suspect reflux.

I've been there with the lack of sleep at this stage and it's so bloody hard but it does pass. Big hugs!

We put the moses basket in our bed. It was warmer that the cot and the baby could heat us and feel us turning over. There's no way he'd have slept in the cot. Unfortunately after trying to move him to a cot he's back in our bed at 10 months though

Look up safe chest sleeping on the happy co sleeper Instagram page. This saved my sanity initially, then we progressed that baby would lay down for the first half of the night, then he’d do the first half of the night in the cot and second half in bed. It’s so hard and it will get better, he’s now 4m and id forgotten (partly) that I used to sleep sitting up all night!

Dont use these @Jennifer48

they are not safe and not recommended by lullaby trust

firm flat mattress when putting baby down

Get a baby swing for naps during day. If your Mum keeps an eye on wee one you can get a sleep. Absolute game changer.

But completely justified.

@Jennifer48 - please see your GP or Health Visitor urgently and ask them to explore perinatal mental health pathways with you. Please don’t be fobbed off by ‘lack of sleep is normal’ - it’s not, not to the extent you describe.
Lack of sleep to this extent is not safe for you and can vastly increase the chances of postnatal depression, anxiety, or even postnatal psychosis.

Thinking of you and hope you know there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s hard to see right now.

I hate this advice to breastfeeding mum. If baby doesn't sleep, give formula 🙄🙄🙄 Formula doesn’t guarantee better sleep. What it does, though, is mess up with the mum's milk supply, sometimes to no return especially when baby is really young.
Newborns and babies are biologically expecting to be in contact with a care giver during sleep/day. It's a survival instinct. Any chance of a next to me cot or foe some safe bedsharing?
Also, any chance to catch some sleep during the day? It won't be like this forever, but it is extremely hard, I feel you!

I would recommend going to a breastfeeding group. They can help you with safe cosleeping positions. I ended up semi cosleeping with my daughter. Some people know even learnt to dream sleep so the baby could feed while you slept. I never got the hang of it TBH but it is possible.

Love, my only advice is to prioritise your sleep over baby crying for you for a few Hours as no sleep is very dangerous in terms of PND and psychosis. My approach was like yours, I didn’t want my baby to be left crying. However, being left to cry it out alone is very different to crying with someone trying to comfort and so as hard as it is, your mum could take him for a big long walk in the pram and talk to him/ put her hand on him regularly, and you could sleep. This has to be the priority, for everybody’s safety.

formula feeding isn’t a magic bullet and probably won’t make him sleep
longer. Especially as it doesn’t sound like he’s hungry. It’s a myth that FF babies don’t wake up as much.

it doesn’t sound like he’s hungry, just that he’s not adjusted to being out of the womb yet, have a read up on the 4th trimester, what I would recommend is reading up on safe considering and giving that a try

Look up safe co sleeping, a lot of babies especially breastfed 1s are like this, both mine were. I ended up chucking hubby out the bed putting baby in it with me, I'd sleep on whatever side baby needed boob, baby under my arm duvet no higher than my waist, pillows well out the way etc. Then it was just a case of latching on babe in the night.
My youngest is 8 now and I'm pleased to say she was only like this for 1st year and now happily sleeps in her own bed.
This will pass x

The fact that it takes babies longer to digest the formula is a risk factor for SIDS, this is obviously not a positive thing.

Sounds like you are in the trenches OP, but you absolutely don’t need to formula feed if you don’t want to and it’s very unlikely this will magically solve the sleep issues and will mean you are not safe to cosleep.

A few tips:

• next to me cot with the side down as close to you as possible
• use a worn t shirt tightly secured around the cot mattress so it smells like you
• Hot water bottle in the cot whilst you’re feeding baby so it’s warm when he goes back down
• love to dream swaddle bags
• if baby hasn’t done a poo, feed from one breast, then change nappy so baby wakes and feed from the other breast, this helped me as helped my baby to be fuller
• we used a dummy with some success and it didn’t impact breastfeeding, but we did have to persevere to get her to accept it
• dark from 7pm and use a red light to signal bedtime and help with melatonin production, also use white noise
• try patting his bottom or shoulder relatively firmly and rhythmically when you transfer him even if he fusses at first

Also as others have said definitely look at safe co sleeping as this can really help if it comes to it. There were definitely weeks when mine slept sideways on my boob all night. They can’t be swaddled if co sleeping in your bed just fyi.

Can you afford professional help, see if there is a sleep consultant near you?

100% Rude.
The idea of rest in a chair is helpful.
I co slept with my non-sleeper. Often with a boob available for her to latch on to. I did have the crib right next to me so sometimes I could move her there and swaddle her to get some rest. I do have a partner, but no else mattered to her! I did move to combi feeding and timed her bottle for bed time which filled her a little longer.