Refugee Guest puts 5 yr old to bed too late

[No1pugmum]

We’ve been happily hosting a refugee and her son for 18 months. He was 3 when they joined us, now 5. When they arrived. he regularly went to bed after 10pm and she asked me to help him have an earlier bedtime after I explained how it wasn't good for anyone that he was staying up so late. That worked and he was going to bed earlier. Fast forward to now. He’s in Reception, but he’s regularly up at 8:30, sometimes even later, on a school day. On Sunday he was still up and watching telly at 8:30 and, last night, I got home from taking my older daughter out and he was still up at 8pm, watching telly, not fed and still in his school uniform. I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. Her response was to say she can’t put him to bed earlier because she’s got online courses that need to be done at a certain time as other people are involved and the times can’t be changed. I appreciate she wants to better herself, but I don’t think she realises how much a late bedtime could be affecting her son’s development and well being. Should I continue to try to advise, or butt out? I feel like I’m failing him if it continues. Any advice is appreciated.

Could you put him to bed fir her?

or suggest he goes to bed first, and then she does her course’

Honestly I don't think you should get involved, you're not the parent. 830 feels late to some but I've known people who consider it fine, especially for younger children who are staying up with older siblings it naturally happens!

But if you want to help - could you make sure there is always an easy (cold?) meal for the child after school so he at least has an evening meal?

Honestly just let her be his mother.
You're their host not their advisers.

Tough one because of the Eastern European people I know, their children go to bed late. Some countries are culturally different in that they eat much later and go to bed later. Is it working for her? Is there actually a problem to tackle here?

It could be a cultural thing. I've spoken to many parents from different backgrounds and bedtimes vary.

I’d leave her to it but appreciate that this is hard when you are living in the same house. I’m in France and normal bedtimes are much later than in the UK - most families don’t even eat until 7:30/8:00pm. So the British way is not the only way.

do you do things together? like eat or share activities? Is she a lot younger than you (are you kind of being ‘mum’ or ‘big sister’ to her?)

I've never ever put my children to bed at 7pm.
Butt out!!!

Or offer to help put him to bed!

I’d butt out considering it’s only 8:30pm that you are worrying about.

What does she do all day? It sounds like she is online when she's supposed to be looking after DS. I don't think 8 is especially late if he's winding down watching TV. But I would think he should be bathed & in PJs with milk drink or something? Could you help her out with this if she's doing training?

I think you need to be mindful of your boundaries. You are doing a very kind thing by hosting but it does not give you the right to make her do things the way you think is the only correct way. I don’t think 830 is late tbh (I’m not from the UK) and I think you’re hamming up the child development issues tbh. Just because it isn’t how you’d raise your kids doesn’t mean it’s wrong. She has valid reasons for choosing that bedtime, she asked for help previously but you don’t get to jump in again when she’s explained that it’s a conscious choice.

Not been fed since school? I get in other cultures they eat the evening meal later but they tend to eat lunch later too my sons reception lunch "slot" was at 12 on the dot he would have been hungry as hell after 8 hours with no meal

Different cultures have different bedtimes. When my kids were little it was fascinating watching each little group get called in at different times.
The child will be fine.

MYOB! Some DC have activities that don’t finish till after 8, what do you suggest their parents do? You’re hugely overstepping.

My children were only put to bed at 7 as babies. When they were preschoolers it was into bed around 7:30 for stories finished by 8 . By reception it was later.
I’m from the UK. My European colleagues do much later bedtimes.

I thought you were going to say he was still up at 11pm, but 8.30pm? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Both my children used to go to bed at 8.30/9pm in reception. They woke up naturally at 7/7.30am. They had a snack after school and ate dinner at 7pm ish.

This! Absolutely a non issue. Dont tell her she’s harming her child for goodness sake!!

My five year old goes to bed at 8.30/9 and we are in the uk.

This seems sensible.

you’re not this child’s parent or even grandparent. Unless she’s asked you for advice I think you’re overstepping.

you could offer to leave an easy snack so he has something after school.

Leave her and him alone. If you dont want them to live with you anymore then help them move on but you can't dictate to her what time she puts her child to bed. 8;30 isn't late and she isn't harming her child.

8.30pm is hardly the middle of the night.

He's not your child to parent - let her put her son to bed whenever she sees fit.

I think it’s a British thing to put kids to bed early, I’m in France and the DC would be in bed for 8.30 - 9 on school nights when they were in primary school. Neither way is right or wrong, it’s just what you’re used to. Not many people here complain about kids getting up at 5 AM though!

Not eating a meal is an issue. The bedtime really isn’t

Is he not eating anything between getting home and 8pm?

I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm

Why? Kids are different. I don’t think my kids have ever been to bed at 7pm in their lives; they’re just not wired that way.

Mine have never gone to bed as early as 7pm, they wouldn't sleep that early. Even in the UK 8.30pm seems like the later end of normal for that age.

I think it’s not your place to interfere unless it has a knock on effect to disrupt the household.

I’m stunned on the rare occasions I venture into the city centre in the evenings at how many young children are about, but I assume that they have different routines and ways of doing things and that’s life.