Refugee Guest puts 5 yr old to bed too late

[No1pugmum]

We’ve been happily hosting a refugee and her son for 18 months. He was 3 when they joined us, now 5. When they arrived. he regularly went to bed after 10pm and she asked me to help him have an earlier bedtime after I explained how it wasn't good for anyone that he was staying up so late. That worked and he was going to bed earlier. Fast forward to now. He’s in Reception, but he’s regularly up at 8:30, sometimes even later, on a school day. On Sunday he was still up and watching telly at 8:30 and, last night, I got home from taking my older daughter out and he was still up at 8pm, watching telly, not fed and still in his school uniform. I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. Her response was to say she can’t put him to bed earlier because she’s got online courses that need to be done at a certain time as other people are involved and the times can’t be changed. I appreciate she wants to better herself, but I don’t think she realises how much a late bedtime could be affecting her son’s development and well being. Should I continue to try to advise, or butt out? I feel like I’m failing him if it continues. Any advice is appreciated.

My 3 year old goes to bed around 9. That works for us and our schedule. She's not sleep deprived and does very well in crèche, no hassle getting her to bed or getting her up. Different kids need different amounts of sleep. It's not up to you to dictate this child's bedtime. Unless the child is upset at bedtime and can't get up in the morning there's no issue and you should mind your own business.

The vast majority of Eastern Europeans put their kids to bed very late when compared to the Uk. Young kids still sleep as many hours as they biologically need, they just stay in bed longer.
My 4 year old goes to bed between 8-9pm each night, but sometimes will still have a nap during the day. Perfectly normal. It’s a cultural thing

5 year olds should be in bed at 7pm? You have to be joking. When I was 5 I went to bed between 9 and 10. Had anyone made me go to bed at 7 I would simply have read for three hours. Bed time is when a child gets tired. If they aren’t tired at 8:30 then that’s too early for bed.

Why do you need to state that the family are refugees?

I don’t think it’s any of your business unless it’s affecting you directly. I would leave her to it. Different cultures have different approaches. My little one won’t go to sleep at 7 and never has.

To point out why they're living with her..?

You're very likely to turn into the MIL from hell, if you think your opinions are more important than the parents. I completely agree with you on bedtimes. Your house, you have every right to say no kids downstairs after 8pm. However, it's her kid. But then again all organised parents know that routines make for happy children. Home from school? Snack, then change of clothes, then activity, then tea, then tv, then bath, then story, then bed. When you have a daily routine, children expect to follow it. They know what comes next.

I don't care if it's 11pm- if you're forcing a child who isn't tired to lie in bed then I don't think it's good parenting. The difference is if I offered you a place to live because you were fleeing a war I wouldn't be telling you what was and wasn't OK to do with your own child.

I don't care if it's 11pm- if you're forcing a child who isn't tired to lie in bed then I don't think it's good parenting.

Seriously? I didn't put my kids to bed at 7, but we generally had a routine that involved going to bed at roughly the same time each day. They didn't have to go straight to sleep, and as both loved reading they were quite happy to curl up with a book, and fall asleep when they were ready.

If I hadn't had a couple of hours of adult time to wind down each day, I'd have ended up being a much worse parent.

Lovely to do what you are doing but he isn’t your child to parent. If it is becoming an issue for you and the rest of the house and frustrating you then maybe it’s time they moved on. Our youngest has always stayed up until 9pm and that was from 5 years old. His brother got a much stricter routine as he was a crap sleeper and needed everything he could get. Youngest sleeps deep and well so a later bed time has been fine.

Some kids need less sleep. Many don't need more than eleven hours and some need less. Mine would go to bed at nine and be happily awake at 07:30 for school the next day. It's only a problem if he seems tired or having difficulty getting up for school. I enjoyed the schedule as I'm not a 6am person!

Yes it's really true - we were horrified, but apparently it's very common to use corporal punishment in Ukraine, they see nothing wrong with it.

7pm I don’t think either of my kids went to bed at 7pm. My eldest who loved her sleep when little was probably 7.30pm/8pm and my youngest who wouldn’t even nap was probably 8.30pm. Some of their after school activities don’t even finish till after 7.

I think you’ve offered your advice and she has chosen not to take it, so now would be a time to back off.

I’m not British. My children are all grown up now. Only put them to bed early when they were babies. Never put them to bed before 9:30/10:00 once they were toddlers. Usually only having dinner at 8pm. They did sometimes go to bed themselves a bit earlier if they were tired.

😂😂 half 8 isn’t late is it. I have a 4 and 5 year old and this is their normal bedtime. Any earlier and they would be up at 5 every day, as it is they get up around 6:30. I’m English born and bred and most people I know don’t put their kids to bed that early so I don’t think it’s a cultural thing.

Which child isn't tired by 11pm?

Concerning

Yes I am with you my kids would be in bed at 7pm at that age. It's a pretty normal bed time for young kids.

Definitely back away.
My daughter is 2.5 yrs old, I pick her up from nursery at 6pm on route home from work go home and make dinner, I understand she won't eat much as she's eaten at nursery, but still make her dinner which she will sometimes eat and then we still don't go to bed until 8:30-9pm and we xould be watching something until 9:30. Sometimes I fall asleep before my daughter.
Bur my daughter is going to sleep when she is tired and even when I try to put her to bed early she is not tired and we end up fart arsing around so its no point.
At the same time my daughter is exceeding at nursery and always get comments about how well she is doing compared to children older than her.
Bedtimes don't fucking matter. As long as the kid is dressed and fed they are fine. Plus points for having conversations with the child to accelerate their communication skills

Butt out, definitely. You're providing a home, they aren't a pet project that needs fixing.

It's a very British thing to put children in bed so early. Maybe don't try to impose your cultural norms on someone else and state as a fact that your cultural norms are right and theirs are wrong.

You are not the parent, you do not have the same culture, you should definitely butt out! And keep your opinions to yourself

Her house, her rules!! She's kind enough to have them so this woman needs to tow the line a bit.
I wouldn't want a small child up at that time in my living room watching TV, if I was trying to relax after a hard day at work.
She could easy feed him bath and bed and start her online course when he's in bed

Well then be honest about the reason! You say it's so she can relax whereas she seems to think it's some kind of awful child abuse lmao

My DD is Year 1.
Bedtime routine is go to bedroom at 7, faff about getting into pj’s for a while and then get in bed to snuggle and read/watch a program. Everything done and time for sleep by 7:40, asleep by 8pm.
Kids need a routine.
Even my DS who is nearly 10; on a school day he goes to bed at 8, lights out 8:30-8:45. On a weekend/holidays he can stay awake longer (9:30) but my kids do this in the holidays also. They have always had a stable bedtime routine and I’m glad.
My friends DS, her kids are still up at midnight. Their telly is playing Peppa still, at midnight. No mummy and daddy time, no ‘my time’.

IMO a stable bedtime routine is paramount.

Jolly good for you, do you want a pat on the back or a round of applause 🙌👏???

Plenty kids and parents only get home from wrap around care at 6pm, they still need dinner cooked and eaten.
No way are they ready to go to bed at 7pm.

Just because 7pm suits you and your child, it doesn't mean 7pm suits other families.

Routine means the same time, every night for other families that might mean 8.30 and going atraight to sleep not 7pm and faffing for ages.