Refugee Guest puts 5 yr old to bed too late

[No1pugmum]

We’ve been happily hosting a refugee and her son for 18 months. He was 3 when they joined us, now 5. When they arrived. he regularly went to bed after 10pm and she asked me to help him have an earlier bedtime after I explained how it wasn't good for anyone that he was staying up so late. That worked and he was going to bed earlier. Fast forward to now. He’s in Reception, but he’s regularly up at 8:30, sometimes even later, on a school day. On Sunday he was still up and watching telly at 8:30 and, last night, I got home from taking my older daughter out and he was still up at 8pm, watching telly, not fed and still in his school uniform. I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. Her response was to say she can’t put him to bed earlier because she’s got online courses that need to be done at a certain time as other people are involved and the times can’t be changed. I appreciate she wants to better herself, but I don’t think she realises how much a late bedtime could be affecting her son’s development and well being. Should I continue to try to advise, or butt out? I feel like I’m failing him if it continues. Any advice is appreciated.

Do you believe this woman to be ill-educated or stupid? Why on earth do you think she doesn’t know or care what is appropriate for her own child’s health? Just because YOU think bed time should be early, doesn’t mean others do.

There’s plenty of things we do here in the uk other cultures feel is detrimental to our children - ridiculously early bedtimes and no evening community socialising for example

My dd stays awake for 14 hours and there is no chance of any less. Despite trying to keep her active (lots to do in my area). No naps since 18m either. So for her to be in bed at 7pm i would have to get up at 5am! No thank you. She wakes up at 8am and sleeps at 10pm. It is not nice but I cannot get up earlier atm.
Depends on what time he is waking up and he probably isn’t getting tired enough after school.

I would never have put my children to bed at 7. Started bedtime routine at 7.45 /8 maybe but 7 is too early

Lots of other countries do not think there is an issue in children getting hungry between meals. So lunch and then a late evening meal is normal, with a snack in between if needed. They also have lower rates of obesity.

I don't disagree with you, but I'm guessing that say, Spanish children, will have a siesta at some point in the day. That doesn't happen here, which is why we put our kids to bed earlier. Although personally mine were never much earlier than 8pm, even when little.

@No1pugmum I don't get your "guilt", stop being such a martyr about things that are not your business.

Should she be doing her uni work earlier? Yes. Does it really matter if the kid goes to bed at 9 if he's getting up ok for school? No. As you haven't mentioned difficulty with getting up I'm assuming there is no issue.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent it depends on the child. So many British parents have to get up at the crack of dawn because their children are awake so early. That si because they are put to bed so early.

Should she be doing her uni work earlier? Yes.

My OU tutorials and collaboration sessions are all in the evenings. If she goes to them earlier there won’t be anyone else there!

My friend puts her children to bed at 6 on school nights!! Now that's early .is it that you wish the little person was in bed earlier OP. I used to insist on set bed time when my kids were small as I had had enough and wanted a bit of an evening myself . So I do get where you're coming from.

My reception child used to have dinner at 7, no go to bed! All children are different and it is really overstepping to decide how your lodger should parent their child.

@No1pugmum

I don’t think I should get too involved as she needs to be independent when she moves on

Sounds like you have your hands full either way your own family as well as your refugee family OP. Do you have an end date when they move out? 🌹

My 5yo didn’t have a 7pm bedtime. It just would not have worked for her. It isn’t a fixed rule that all children must follow for optimum development.

Early bedtimes are peculiarly British/American.. This is a cultural difference and nothing to do with you. Why should they do things the way your famdo it?
My husband is Ukrainian and he said that children don't go to bed early in Ukraine like here. It's just not a thing. Even when very small it was normal for them to go to bed at like 10pm.
It's the same in many other countries.

DNephew at 5 and a half now has never been an early sleeper. Partly I think it's because his DM works some evenings so he's waited up for her, but partly as he lives in a busy part of London with constant traffic noise and sirens past his bedroom window. It's regularly 9.30-10 for him. I won't say it doesn't disrupt his bedtime because sometimes it does and he oversleeps and at weekends he sleeps in, but until they move to a quieter area it won't change.

This

You’re pricing a roof not parenting advice. None of your business unless it impacts you in which case your need to ask them to leave.

Assuming you are hosting Ukrainians, culturally their young kids do stay up very late. I hosted a mum and her two teenage kids and they were very surprised/upset of hear that British host families were giving ‘advice’ on how to parent their own kids.

I would say that if the arrangement doesn’t work for you, and you find it annoying that the child stays up late, you should start to work with the council to plan for them to move out.

My four year old goes to bed at 8.30. By the time we've read story it's probably 8.45. On a weekend it could be as late as 10.30 if we've made the most of a day and gone out.

She is absolutely fine (full time school).

Mind your own business

OP I wonder how you would feel if your host was giving you parenting advice?

I agree with @Jennyjojo5. I co-hosted a Ukrainian family too and know lots of other hosts locally. Common themes of discussion amongst hosts weee the lateness of bedtimes and different diets/mealtimes etc.

Hold your own boundaries, and try to worry less about theirs. The teachers at school will soon say something to the mum if they are worried.

it is not your place to decide whether he should be in bed by 7pm or 8.30pm.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent I don't get your "guilt", stop being such a martyr about things that are not your business

I think you’re being harsh. When you’re hosting, you know you’re there to provide support and a safe space, not to interfere. However, you do grow fond of your guests, and when you see a kid who’s diet is 80% sugar and 20% plain boiled pasta, you worry. The same as when a kid is left alone on screens all day. It’s really difficult to watch when they’re under your roof and you care about the child! The inner conflict really does cause intense stress, to the point where it affects your physical and mental health.

One of a host’s duties is to help guests integrate with life in the UK and learn how things are done here, from our laws to the local bus routes. Often it can be a very fine line, and that line can be very easily overstepped.

My kids had this type of late bedtime but also slept later than typical British kids in the morning. They're all healthy, high-achieving adults. The 7pm bedtime isn't the only way, you know - and personally I preferred to enjoy my kids' company in the evening than at 6am.

My youngest is in Y1, but even in reception, going up to bed at 8:30pm even on a school night was a perfectly normal thing. He doesn't usually actually fall asleep until about 10pm. Now, granted, he wouldn't be watching tv probably at that hour (we're usually eating dinner), but if I had work or study to do in the evenings, yes, he certainly would be.

Stop trying to force your cultural norms on her and mind your own business. The obsession with putting kids to bed in the day time is a peculiarly British thing and most of the rest of the world manages perfectly fine with later bedtimes.

Who made you parenting boss?

7pm is far too early by the way... I have a 5 year old too and most my friends have kids, I don't know any kids in bed at 7pm. I would say 8-8.30 is pretty average bedtime.

Are you one of these weird earlybird mumsnetters who have your kids in bed at 5-6pm and are up a 4-5am?