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Original poster

Refugee Guest puts 5 yr old to bed too late

316 replies

No1pugmum · 29/02/2024 07:31

We’ve been happily hosting a refugee and her son for 18 months. He was 3 when they joined us, now 5. When they arrived. he regularly went to bed after 10pm and she asked me to help him have an earlier bedtime after I explained how it wasn't good for anyone that he was staying up so late. That worked and he was going to bed earlier. Fast forward to now. He’s in Reception, but he’s regularly up at 8:30, sometimes even later, on a school day. On Sunday he was still up and watching telly at 8:30 and, last night, I got home from taking my older daughter out and he was still up at 8pm, watching telly, not fed and still in his school uniform. I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. Her response was to say she can’t put him to bed earlier because she’s got online courses that need to be done at a certain time as other people are involved and the times can’t be changed. I appreciate she wants to better herself, but I don’t think she realises how much a late bedtime could be affecting her son’s development and well being. Should I continue to try to advise, or butt out? I feel like I’m failing him if it continues. Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
RB68 · 29/02/2024 10:58

I had a child who didn't like sleeping, and we got very stressed about it all, after doing some research I realised what matters was good quality of sleep and no anxiety about sleep/rest. So we changed how we did things and she did go to bed later and tried hard to sleep so long as I was around upstairs... so I changed one of the bedrooms to being a "doing" room and basically spent couple of hours in there each evening so she didn't feel so alone - doors open, music or story on cd (as it was in those days lol) .

Living with another family and their habits does require some adjustments. My brother found the amount of sugar consumption an issue as well as the late bedtimes!! Still they survived and remained in touch.

mushroom3 · 29/02/2024 11:01

My kids all went to bed at 9pm and were up at 7am. On swimming days we didn't even get back until 7.30 . Children don't need to go to bed at 7pm, parents I've known who do this complained to me that their children were up and running around at 5am!

starfishmummy · 29/02/2024 11:06

Who is looking after him and feeding him while she does her courses in the evening? If she expects you to do it then yanbu, but if she is doing it herself for example him sitting doing quiet activities in the same room as she is working in (and him having been given food) then just leave her too it.

Sausage1989 · 29/02/2024 11:09

He should be fed and changed by then (DEFINITELY fed anyway) but my twins always went to bed 9
8 30 latest, sometimes 9. Any earlier and they just wouldn't sleep. Going to bed at that time was right for them, they slept straight away and all night and fine the next day. I remember my mum getting me to bed around 7 and honestly even now as an adult I remember DREADING it and hating laying there unable to sleep so not all children that age need to be in bed for 7!

Rewis · 29/02/2024 11:13

Uk is kinda known for putting kids to bed early. Advice is she asks, otherwise stay out.

Zoreos · 29/02/2024 11:26

When you said about him going to bed too late I thought you were going to say early hours. YABU to make a fuss if it’s not dramatically late. 10pm for some kids is just fine but 7pm would be far too early for many kids. I think he should have set meal times earlier than 8pm though but like others have said, cultures do vary a lot even within Europe.

OneMoreTime23 · 29/02/2024 11:29

I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my night owl daughter (now 13) has been in bed at 7pm.

It’s a very weird thing to think children need to go to bed so early. Mine was up at 10pm at 3 and 9pm when she started school at 4. She didn’t have to get up till 8am so got plenty of sleep.

You basically have no clue what you are talking about and should butt out of something that’s not your business. If mum is happy with 8:30, it’s not your call.

Toooldtocareanymore · 29/02/2024 11:30

i think 7 pm is ridiculously early

Myhatmycoat · 29/02/2024 11:30

No1pugmum · 29/02/2024 08:37

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your advice. Sometimes you can be too close to a situation to see what’s happening. I’ve already do a lot of the things that have been suggested (pick him up
from school, have food he can eat in the fridge ready, try to involve him in our mealtimes). I don’t want to interfere with his meals too much as he eats a very different diet from us and is very fussy. I’d be seriously over stepping if I put him to bed, that should be his mum who does that. We both work and I have two older kids who have ASD and who have after school activities, so it’s difficult to get too involved (and I don’t think I should get too involved as she needs to be independent when she moves on). But I think the conclusion is I should let her get on with it. I need to reassess my boundaries and stop feeling guilty for something I can’t control. Really appreciate your comments.

OP isn’t going to say anything to the other mum, she said it here a few hours ago

NewFriendlyLadybird · 29/02/2024 11:30

I remember some Italian friends telling me I put my children to bed too early. I was quite offended. Honestly, it’s kind of you to host them but it doesn’t give you the right to tell anyone how to parent, and particularly not lecture about child development when it’s really an issue of cultural differences.

babyproblems · 29/02/2024 11:32

Offer to put him to bed for her??
I don’t think 7pm is that reasonable tbh- I can’t get my ds in bed by that time as we have dinner at 6!!! I think you really should offer to do his bedtime for her so she can concentrate on her course. Lovely thing for you to do for her & her son. X

Barleysugar86 · 29/02/2024 11:34

My six year old is upstairs at 8.30 for pjs, teeth, toilet on a weeknight. Then we do stories and lights out around 9pm to 9.15pm. We used to send him up at 8pm in reception but we noticed he would toss and turn for ages as he wasn't tired yet, so it wouldn't get him any extra sleep and we put the time back.

We wake him at 8am but half the time he's already woken himself naturally so its clearly enough.

7pm we'd have had a mutiny!

CharlotteBog · 29/02/2024 11:36

I would be quite concerned that he hasn't had his evening meal by 8pm. Does he have a large snack late afternoon/early evening?

Bed time - non issue. If he's awake at 7am after a 9pm bedtime, that's 10 hrs sleep.

I've worked full time while raising my children, so we weren't home until 6pm, then dinner, time together etc. We'd wind down around 7.30 - 8pm, stories etc until 8.30pm. Perfectly fine.

Wombatsquarepoo · 29/02/2024 11:44

8.30 pm isn’t that late? Sounds like he gets up 8.30am which is a good 12 hours of sleep

Braksonsboss · 29/02/2024 11:45

8.30 isn't late.

Wetblanket78 · 29/02/2024 11:45

Every child is different most the time if I put mine to bed at 7 after around 4 they wouldn't sleep. There was the odd time if we had been out all day over summer they were tired and decided to go up to bed after their bath. They have non verbal autism and ADHD so I would rather they slept without waking up in the early hours.

HoppingPavlova · 29/02/2024 11:45

@EverybodyLTB It’s not about culture, it’s an issue that he’s not getting up in the morning because he’s knackered………………This mum is away (I’m guessing?) from her own mum/sisters/friends etc who might usually be offering advice and even if she isn’t, well the child being late to school every day will cause issues so it needs to be addressed

???? Where does OP say this child is not getting up in the morning or that they are late to school every day? Have you just made that up?

Mine never went to bed at that time, got up just fine, not late to school, not tired at school. If mine had of even been able to sleep at that early time they would have been up in the morning hours before school which seems insane.

Mine were also in their school uniform until just before bed when they got into pj’s so would have been in school uniforms at 8pm. Otherwise they would have likely spilled dinner on pj’s and then worn dirty pj’s to bed! The exception was swimming afternoons which was when they had their showers (young kids don’t need them daily), so out of pool, hair and bodies washed, into pj’s and home. On those nights if they spilled dinner they would get changed into fresh pj’s before climbing into bed.

There is no one way with kids. All kids are different. All households are different.

Appleblos · 29/02/2024 11:48

830 is fine? Mine go to bed around that time 5, 5 & 2 and wake up at 7.30. The older two often don’t sleep till 9.30. But 8.30 - 730 is 11 hours sleep which is fine. The 2 year old naps to make it 13 hours.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/02/2024 11:49

I don't think 8:30 is too late. On Mumsnet you will find lots of people saying their children sleep from 7pm to 7am up to the age of 12, but then you will also see lots of parents wondering why their child has trouble falling asleep at 7pm.

I understand you would prefer this child to disappear off to bed and not be under your feet in the evening, but I don't think this is a parenting issue so I wouldn't say anything.

Appleblos · 29/02/2024 11:49

And mine have literally never been to bed at 7! They just wouldn’t sleep at that time.

Almahart · 29/02/2024 11:51

7 o clock isn't normal surely. When my kids were little they were picked up from childminder/after school club at 6.

qazxc · 29/02/2024 11:55

It may be a cultural difference. I am French, our bedtime was 8.30 with a half hour to read or be read a bedtime story when I was at primary. This was a fairly common bedtime.
I now live in Ireland, primary age DD has a similar bedtime. one of her activities (Football training) takes place between 7 and 8pm, so am guessing it isn't unusual for children here to be up at 8.30 either.
Unless you are asked or you have strong concerns on health and welfare, I would refrain from giving advice.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 29/02/2024 11:55

The bedtimes are not that much of an issue, unless he was struggling in school because of it, but also you are providing them with a home, not telling them how to parent.

Except...

If this child isn't being fed after school, that's a social services concern, isn't it (assuming that they aren't in an afterschool club that provides an evening meal)? That would be my red line - I appreciate that you have these courses in the evening, but you must make sure that your child has something to eat in the evenings. I would point out to her that this could lead to a social srvices review.

Malbecfan · 29/02/2024 11:56

Crazy! One of my DDs never went to bed before 8.30 at 5 as she wasn't ready for sleep. The other would have zonked out by 8. Even now as adults, the older one is more of a night owl. It's not your place to lecture about what time kids go to bed. After 9 I would be concerned about a 5yo watching inappropriate stuff on TV, but this does not seem to be the case.

Appleblos · 29/02/2024 11:57

I don’t think it’s even a British thing to put kids to bed at 7 anymore. It was in the 80’s/90’s when I was young, kids eat early then bed. But now most people I know eat together then put young children to bed around 830 or later. The few friends I do have who do 7pm bedtimes have 5am wakes!