Refugee Guest puts 5 yr old to bed too late

[No1pugmum]

We’ve been happily hosting a refugee and her son for 18 months. He was 3 when they joined us, now 5. When they arrived. he regularly went to bed after 10pm and she asked me to help him have an earlier bedtime after I explained how it wasn't good for anyone that he was staying up so late. That worked and he was going to bed earlier. Fast forward to now. He’s in Reception, but he’s regularly up at 8:30, sometimes even later, on a school day. On Sunday he was still up and watching telly at 8:30 and, last night, I got home from taking my older daughter out and he was still up at 8pm, watching telly, not fed and still in his school uniform. I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. Her response was to say she can’t put him to bed earlier because she’s got online courses that need to be done at a certain time as other people are involved and the times can’t be changed. I appreciate she wants to better herself, but I don’t think she realises how much a late bedtime could be affecting her son’s development and well being. Should I continue to try to advise, or butt out? I feel like I’m failing him if it continues. Any advice is appreciated.

"I told her I was concerned with his late bedtimes and he should be in bed by 7pm. "

can see you've rightly said you'll butt out now but honestly I'm quite surprised you thought this was appropriate to say. 7pm is really early for a start!

My friend used to give me shit over my decision to let my DC go bed at around 9.30pm - 10pm where they'd fall asleep within 15 mins and naturally wake up between 7-7.30am. While she'd send hers up at 7.30pm and battle with them and deal with tears and tatrums til, you guessed it, around 9.30pm, then they were always knackered the next day because of the dramas the night before.

Theres a really bizarre obsession with getting kids in bed early.

You are doing a good thing by hosting but you are not her foster carer or social worker.
You’ve provided housing to a family in need and I’m sure the mum is hugely grateful, but that doesn’t give you rights to parent her child.

Does the child being awake impact on you? You could ask her to use the kitchen by x time or stay in her room by y time if it impacts on the household but not because you want to correct or anglicise her parenting.

10 pm is too late. But he should be in bed by around 8 o'clock at the latest on a school night. But I would just stop hosting refugees if you feel the need to interfere and it's encroaching on your own family routines.

7pm is very early, DS always went to bed at about 8 to 8.30pm at that age, he would have hardly ever seen his Dad for a start. I don’t get this obsession with such early bed times. My friend used to have her kids in bed for 6.30pm and then moan they woke up at 5.30am.

My child never went to bed at 7pm. I'm not British and I always thought it was very strange when other parents sent their children to bed, at a time that I consider very early evening. We always ate together at 7:30 and bed time was 8:30/9pm

My GC have activities after school that often don't finish until 6.30 a 7pm bedtime would be impossible for many school aged children. I think you are being unreasonable.

The OP said that her guest initially asked for help getting her son into bed earlier, so while time has moved on somewhat, it's not like the OP has just barrelled in. She's asking for advice on how to handle the situation and indeed has received some helpful comments which she has taken on board.

Hosting refugees is a very generous thing to do, it will come with challenges just like any family or group of people living together.

If it doesn't work for you then ask them to leave. The council can help rehouse them perhaps.

6.30? Could she not bear to be around them or something?

OMG. You’ve just brought me a flashback from childhood of my neighbour screaming at me and my sister for playing in our garden when her kids were trying to sleep. They were the same age as us and we hadn’t even had dinner yet. It was still light etc.

(they also weren’t allowed to use the toilet at night and had buckets in their rooms. 🤮)

I could have written this about our guests.

'our' youngest isn't far off 3. They all (M + 3 dc) go up at about 7.30/8 pm. The 2 eldest potter around, read, iPads etc.

Youngest doesn't want to go to bed and protests in both Ukrainian and English, loud and long. Usually he's still not asleep until 10pm

We feel that his 3 hour midday nap may have something to do with this?

Ours (now adult) had a short nap and were ready for bed. We had a routine - tea, quiet play, bath, story, bed. Few tears if ever.

He's then up at 6.30. Full on wanting food. But he has to wait until it's been cooked from scratch. Not a happy child until about 8.30am

It's not easy. You can't say anything - but know they are making a rod for their own backs. It's not a cultural thing - others in our family and friends have managed to develop fraught bedtimes and punishing routines.

Like you timings have and are dictated by online courses etc.

We have said things, implied etc. ie this morning playing out of the front path by himself.

But we've all different ways of bringing up our children. And I wouldn't stop having our guests.

830 is pretty early still, recipe for child up and disturbing everyone before sunrise, and for parents stressing and rushing for bedtime every evening

Wow - how judgemental are you!

My DC is 5 and its rare will fall asleep before 8pm, usual bedtime is 8.30 on a school night. Has a great bedtime routine, we read before bed, no screens, nice bath etc but is just not tired until 8pm.

There is no chance of getting them asleep by 7pm.

Mind your own business and maybe recognise that not every child is the same and they need different amounts of sleep - just like adults.

No stress here, all home from work, school etc by 6. Dinner around 7. Toddler tends to go sleep straight away at 830. 5yo’s bed around 830 with audio book, tend to sleep more around 9/930. All wake naturally around 7.30 (any later and we’d be late for school!). In the spring/ summer we often do later bedtimes if we’re at friends, the beach etc.

My child age five goes to bed at 9 - but he gets up at 8 so still gets 11hours of sleep per night. Even 10 hours per night is not outside the norm at that age. Obviously if he is very tired in the morning, falls asleep at school - then it might be a bit late.

I often get the feeling that Brits assume all kids get up early and therefore put them to bed early. That somehow seems like a cultural thing. My child hasnt been up before 7.30 since he was 1 years old. So naturally as his need for sleep has reduced - he goes to bed later.

I think you are being OTT and should mind your own business.
I think 7pm for a 5 yr old is quite early. My 5yr old usually goes to sleep between 8-8.30 pm on a school night and has no issues at all.

Sending a child to bed at 7pm is ridiculous. There is absolutely no must/should in this situation. And no point for you to "feel guilty". You provided safe place for them to live, but but this is an unsolicited advice, and the mother is probably too polite to tell you to mind your own business, or is worried about losing a place to stay.

It's absolutely none of your business and it's patronising to think that because she's a refugee, she needs parenting advice. She's parenting her child in the way she would parent him in her home country. She can decide what she thinks is an appropriate bedtime for him.

Lots of countries don't have an early bedtime/early evening meal culture at all, and their kids turn out just fine, so let her get on with things. She's a grown woman and a mum who has been displaced from her home country, not a 15-year-old in a foster placement for teenage mums.

But there’s nothing really wrong with what she is doing so there’s nothing to be guilty about. You are making a big deal out of nothing.

You have a right to state your opinion about something upsetting your household.. Having a child not fed by 8:30pm would be worrying.

Same with us. I was born and raised here but my parents were not so raised us their way. DH is British. For a long time we had this dilemma until I kept asking him to explain why children need to be in bed by 7pm. He could never explain apart from that’s just how it’s done.

Different cultures do things differently. Stop imposing what you deem to be the right way on them.

My 5 years old start night routine at about 8.30, Go to bed at about 9 and is sleeping around 9-9:15. Weekend at 10 pm. She sleeps about 10 -11 hours a day if someone tells me I'm harming my child doing that I would tell them that billions of people around the world are not that harmed by the look of how people do in far too many countries.

Warmer countries with more day light and more similar day a night pattern do the things different and people still survive.

That sounds to me like the time someone told me that I can't feed a child homemade beans casserole pure because that wasn't proper food. Really????

I’d be more worried about the not been fed bit tbh.

Why don’t you mind your own business? Do you realise other countries don’t put children to bed early like the U.K. ? Spain , Portugal , Cyprus , Italy , kids go to bed way past 10 pm so why are you trying to make this family adjust to your way of life and not respecting it’s different for them ?
As an example in Portugal where I grew up kids go to school at 8 am and are never in bed before 10:30 pm and no they do not have naps . So you are being extremely judgmental and rude

My 4yr old is usually in bed by 7-7:30 and up at 6 (thats the time we need to be up to get to pre-school etc) so it’s fine. If he has to be shaken awake in the morning then year earlier bedtime.