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Original poster

Aibu - co-sleeping older kids

128 replies

roisin18 · 14/03/2022 07:28

Hi everyone.

Looking to work out if if I'm being unreasonable.

So... my husband was night shift last night (he does nightshift approx once every 3 weeks). When he is nightshift I let my 2 kids sleep in beside me. (9&5) He really hates it and moans every time as 1) he wants to go to bed when he gets in but there's no space, and 2) he thinks it's weird to sleep with them at that age.

So to save the argument I've started sleeping in the spare bed with them on those nights so he can come in and have our bed to himself. But yesterday I had just changed the sheets and they kids had fallen asleep in my bed so I just climbed in. This morning he came in at 6.30 (we get up at 7.15) so we all had to get up.

He is making out that sleeping in the same bed at that age is making them too codependent etc, but I just think it's nice to cuddle in together every now and again.

I think he is being a complete twat. But willing to be told I'm wrong.

OP posts:
rainbowandglitter · 14/03/2022 15:13

Well he's not weird is he as many posters have sympathised with him. Anyway I'm not sure that someone having a different opinion or viewpoint to you should be called 'weird'. Hmm

rainbowandglitter · 14/03/2022 15:13

@rainbowandglitter

Well he's not weird is he as many posters have sympathised with him. Anyway I'm not sure that someone having a different opinion or viewpoint to you should be called 'weird'. Hmm
That was to @tdcp
CremeEggThief · 14/03/2022 15:22

But it is weird to want to go to bed straight after a nightshift and not wind down for at least an hour or two first. No judgement as such, it's just a weird thing to do, in the same way that going straight to bed if you finish work at a more conventional time, would also be weird.

Soontobe60 · 14/03/2022 18:45

@CremeEggThief

But it is weird to want to go to bed straight after a nightshift and not wind down for at least an hour or two first. No judgement as such, it's just a weird thing to do, in the same way that going straight to bed if you finish work at a more conventional time, would also be weird.
When my dh worked nights, he’d come in and go straight to bed.
MissyB1 · 14/03/2022 18:51

@CremeEggThief

But it is weird to want to go to bed straight after a nightshift and not wind down for at least an hour or two first. No judgement as such, it's just a weird thing to do, in the same way that going straight to bed if you finish work at a more conventional time, would also be weird.
No it really isn’t weird. I worked nights for 9 years. I was so exhausted when I got home I struggled to even drive home! I couldn’t even drink a cup of tea when I got in as I would fall asleep holding it and scald myself. I had to go straight to bed.
SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2022 18:53

@cultkid

I would be really jealous if my husband slept with our children over me. I want to sleep in my bed with him. I don't want him to sleep in a guest bed with the kids

If you can't all fit in comfortably then the kids need to be in their own bed

How would you feel if he slept with them and you couldn't sleep with him three night a week? It's shit coming home from a night shift and then being alone, maybe he wanted to be able to give you a hug.

But he was at work. It's not like he comes in at midnight. I'd not be happy if DH came home in the early hours and woke me up because he needed a hug unless he had had a really emotionally challenging shift.
Shmithecat2 · 14/03/2022 18:55

I cosleep with my 6yo 99% of the time (dh away most of the year), so I have no issue with cosleeping. But if I was working shifts at night and couldn't get into my own bed when I got home, I'd have the hump too. YAB a bit U.

Wagsandclaws · 14/03/2022 19:06

My 9 year old and 13 year old take it in turns to climb in to our superking all the time.

Dh doesn't mind really. We have a 29 yo so he knows how quickly they grow up.

If the 13 yo is snuggled in bed though he does tend to go into their room to sleep as he's getting quite big!

They soon grow up and have no desire to snuggle in our bed then - the time is short when they are actually children.

CremeEggThief · 14/03/2022 19:19

You probably had a different routine from my XH then, Missy. Did you used to get up a few hours before work? He used to get up an hour tops before his nightshift started, so was nowhere near ready for bed for a few hours after coming home. My dad was the same when he did nights years ago. Get up, have breakfast at 10.30 p.m. and be at work for 11.30 p.m.

Bevvyoc · 14/03/2022 19:22

I've never co slept unless my children were poorly when younger. I like having my own space so I'm with your partner on this. When does it stop. Why are they sleeping with you if they have their own beds.

Vitani · 14/03/2022 19:30

How would you feel if he slept with them and you couldn't sleep with him three night a week? It's shit coming home from a night shift and then being alone, maybe he wanted to be able to give you a hug.

I wouldn't gaf. I don't need to sleep in the same bed as someone I love.

MissyB1 · 14/03/2022 19:30

@CremeEggThief
I used to do 9pm - 7:30am shifts in a hospital. I would get up about 5pm, so had a few hours before going to work. Used to get home about 8am exhausted beyond belief!

CremeEggThief · 14/03/2022 19:35

Yeah I can see that makes sense now. Thanks for explaining, MissyB.Smile

Vitani · 14/03/2022 19:35

I would be really jealous if my husband slept with our children over me.

That sounds... Healthy Hmm

Favourodds · 14/03/2022 19:39

I disagree with PP, he can just go sleep in the spare bed, it's not a drama (assuming it's a regular bed in a bedroom and not a lilo on a flat roof).

I'd find it weird if my husband resented something as banal as a snuggly night while he worked.

I didn't follow the sheet incident so maybe you were unreasonable there, but the general principle, no.

Ginger1982 · 14/03/2022 19:39

So you work away a lot and sleep with your kids when you're at home, usually in the spare bed? Do you actually ever sleep alone with your husband?

bhooks · 14/03/2022 19:47

I have quite a different perspective from most. And I think YANBU and your husband is a being miserable.

We have similar in my house on a regular basis.
DH worked late/away and kids in bed with me.

He gets into one of their beds and sleep there. (No spare room) He's never had an issue with doing that. He says if the kids were in their own beds and he came into our bed, he'd probably wake me/worry about waking me. So it works best for everyone. Plus he says it's one person's comfort for the odd night vs the rest of the family's comfort.

Very, very, very occasionally I'll be out late and it works the same way then but mine and DH's roles are swapped. So he bedshares with the kids in our bed and I go in one of the kid's beds. It honestly hasn't occurred to either of us that there's anything problematic.

And you have a spare bed your DH could sleep in. So YANBU.

Idkiibu · 14/03/2022 19:50

You are not a twat. You are a living mum. Time passes so quickly. What’s wrong with giving your children a bit of a cuddle, who does it hurt? Of course you can try and arrange it all around your husbands work but you do NOTHING wrong. It’s not codependence, it’s love. I’ve been a child who suffered from a lack of a physical touch and love from my parents. I’m an absolute opposite now with mine

Idkiibu · 14/03/2022 19:50

*loving

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2022 19:59

@Ginger1982

So you work away a lot and sleep with your kids when you're at home, usually in the spare bed? Do you actually ever sleep alone with your husband?
But she only sleeps with the kids when he's working so even if she didn't let them climb in, it wouldn't increase the number of nights they sleep together in the same bed
MiddleParking · 14/03/2022 20:17

You say he’s told you several times that he hates it, because he comes in and there’s no space for him in his own bed? If I’d told my spouse several times that I hated that, I’d feel it was a pretty big ‘fuck you’ to me if I came in from a night shift and found you’d decided to just do it anyway.

Favourodds · 14/03/2022 20:19

*loving

Fair to assume she is living too Grin

Soapboxqueen · 14/03/2022 20:22

Both of my children make their way back into our bed during the night 12y ASD, 9y NT. We bought a super king bed to accommodate. I've ended up in other beds too.

It isn't wierd for children to sleep with their parents. Most of human history has not included separate rooms for children where they sleep alone.

Though if you don't personally like it then that's fine too.

Personally, I'd probably just move into the spare room. I couldn't be bothered with the aggravation

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 22:13

@Ginger1982

So you work away a lot and sleep with your kids when you're at home, usually in the spare bed? Do you actually ever sleep alone with your husband?
You've not read this properly. I only sleep with the kids when he is working nights, so Whether or not I was sleeping with the kids those nights, I still wouldn't be sleeping with him.

When I am home and he is not nightshift we sleep in the same bed and the kids sleep in their own beds.

OP posts:
Italiandreams · 14/03/2022 22:29

@Ginger1982 , I hardly ever sleep alone with my husband. Both fine with it. We had many years of sleeping together, and I'm sure we will have many years again but while our children are small and need us for comfort, we put their needs first. I also know from friends and family we are far from the only ones who co sleep regularly.