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Original poster

Aibu - co-sleeping older kids

128 replies

roisin18 · 14/03/2022 07:28

Hi everyone.

Looking to work out if if I'm being unreasonable.

So... my husband was night shift last night (he does nightshift approx once every 3 weeks). When he is nightshift I let my 2 kids sleep in beside me. (9&5) He really hates it and moans every time as 1) he wants to go to bed when he gets in but there's no space, and 2) he thinks it's weird to sleep with them at that age.

So to save the argument I've started sleeping in the spare bed with them on those nights so he can come in and have our bed to himself. But yesterday I had just changed the sheets and they kids had fallen asleep in my bed so I just climbed in. This morning he came in at 6.30 (we get up at 7.15) so we all had to get up.

He is making out that sleeping in the same bed at that age is making them too codependent etc, but I just think it's nice to cuddle in together every now and again.

I think he is being a complete twat. But willing to be told I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 22:46

Just a thought....

So we've established that the majority say that the kids shouldn't be in our bed when he gets in as he should get to go to bed in his own bed.

So, I've got another hypothetical question... he wants to come in and go straight to bed. If the question had been "my husband comes in from work and goes straight to bed and never helps me with the kids in the morning - should he stay up and get the kids ready sometimes?" would everyone still be saying he should get to come in and go straight to bed? Or would you expect him to stay up and help with the kids sometimes or would you say it's my job as the non-nightshift worker?

To be clear, I'm not saying that he should or shouldn't, I was just interested, in what people think as lots of people seem more irate due to the nightshift.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 14/03/2022 22:50

I'm with you here, OP. If I had fallen asleep in our bed with DS, and DP came in and woke us up when there's a perfectly usable bed in the spare room, I'd be really pissed off. To be honest, even if it wasn't a one off, I'd be pissed off. I can't believe somebody would wake their own sleeping children, just to sleep themselves. I find it very odd and very selfish.

I'm really not precious about "my" bed. In our house, sleep wins, whatever combination that might be. Whether that's us all in one bed, DS in his own bed, DS in with one of us and the other one of us in DS's bed. Honestly, we just don't care. If I come to bed late, and DS has snuck into bed with daddy, I leave them to sleep in peace and get into DS's bed where I can sleep soundly with no snoring from either of them. I wouldn't dream of waking either of them up for me to get into "my" bed.

TokenGinger · 14/03/2022 22:52

@roisin18

Just a thought....

So we've established that the majority say that the kids shouldn't be in our bed when he gets in as he should get to go to bed in his own bed.

So, I've got another hypothetical question... he wants to come in and go straight to bed. If the question had been "my husband comes in from work and goes straight to bed and never helps me with the kids in the morning - should he stay up and get the kids ready sometimes?" would everyone still be saying he should get to come in and go straight to bed? Or would you expect him to stay up and help with the kids sometimes or would you say it's my job as the non-nightshift worker?

To be clear, I'm not saying that he should or shouldn't, I was just interested, in what people think as lots of people seem more irate due to the nightshift.

I agree here, too. I didn't want to mention it in my previous reply but I found it odd too that he can come home immediately from work and sleep. I don't finish work at 6pm and sleep. Presumably you've done the bedtime routine and any night disturbances whilst he works. The lease he can do is help with the morning routine.
TigerLilyTail · 14/03/2022 22:55

Mumsnet is weird about men working. I'm a lone parent, so when I get home from work, I make dinner, help with homework, do laundry, do bath time, clean up, etc.

Many of the posters on Mumsnet seem to think that working men are absolved from doing anything around the house even if their wives work.

I really don't understand it.

But, I agree that he should stay up and help with the kids in the morning and go to bed once they've left for school. It's what any loving parent would do.

Ginger1982 · 14/03/2022 22:55

[quote Italiandreams]@Ginger1982 , I hardly ever sleep alone with my husband. Both fine with it. We had many years of sleeping together, and I'm sure we will have many years again but while our children are small and need us for comfort, we put their needs first. I also know from friends and family we are far from the only ones who co sleep regularly. [/quote]
If that's what you like, fine. Personally I hate sharing with DS unless he is ill and wouldn't encourage it because he kicks and rolls about and generally ensures I get no sleep.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2022 23:15

@roisin18

Just a thought....

So we've established that the majority say that the kids shouldn't be in our bed when he gets in as he should get to go to bed in his own bed.

So, I've got another hypothetical question... he wants to come in and go straight to bed. If the question had been "my husband comes in from work and goes straight to bed and never helps me with the kids in the morning - should he stay up and get the kids ready sometimes?" would everyone still be saying he should get to come in and go straight to bed? Or would you expect him to stay up and help with the kids sometimes or would you say it's my job as the non-nightshift worker?

To be clear, I'm not saying that he should or shouldn't, I was just interested, in what people think as lots of people seem more irate due to the nightshift.

It would depend on what he's worked, what time he's been up from etc.

If he's coming in at 6 having finished at 5 having started at 11 pm say would be have helped with bed routine and dinner?
If he's coming in at 6 having finished at 5 having started at 5 having left at 4 having got up at say 2 so we're now at 16 hours then no, is expect him to sleep

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 23:29

@SleepingStandingUp I just found it interesting as everyone seemed to jump straight to "he was nightshift, of course he should get to come back and go to sleep in his own bed" but there was no info on when he starts or how long he had been up, most just seemed to go straight to yabu he should get to go to his bed.

I'm not saying he shouldn't go straight to bed. I don't actually mind him Not helping as I know he's tired. But I find it interesting that I work full time too, but also do bed time and morning routine when he's nightshift (and some other shifts) but when he comes in from work, his immediate sleep is more important than anything else going on (kids sleeping, morning routine, or anything else that might need done) is it a nightshift thing?

OP posts:
JiannaTheWitchQueen · 15/03/2022 07:21

It's a night shift thing in my eyes.

Sux2buthen · 15/03/2022 08:13

@TigerLilyTail

Mumsnet is weird about men working. I'm a lone parent, so when I get home from work, I make dinner, help with homework, do laundry, do bath time, clean up, etc.

Many of the posters on Mumsnet seem to think that working men are absolved from doing anything around the house even if their wives work.

I really don't understand it.

But, I agree that he should stay up and help with the kids in the morning and go to bed once they've left for school. It's what any loving parent would do.

Nothing to do with menHmm Anyone that does a night shift and wants their bed should be able to use it
SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2022 09:18

he was nightshift, of course he should get to come back and go to sleep in his own bed well Tbf I worked on the basis of him being a grown adult and him knowing he needed sleep. If you came in at 6 pm and he was up and you were tired I'd also expect you to be able to get in your bed and sleep if you needed to. Plus night shifts tend to be long and screw up your body clock so if he thinks he needs to sleep, who's place is it to tell him he's wrong?

MissyB1 · 15/03/2022 10:41

[quote roisin18]@SleepingStandingUp I just found it interesting as everyone seemed to jump straight to "he was nightshift, of course he should get to come back and go to sleep in his own bed" but there was no info on when he starts or how long he had been up, most just seemed to go straight to yabu he should get to go to his bed.

I'm not saying he shouldn't go straight to bed. I don't actually mind him Not helping as I know he's tired. But I find it interesting that I work full time too, but also do bed time and morning routine when he's nightshift (and some other shifts) but when he comes in from work, his immediate sleep is more important than anything else going on (kids sleeping, morning routine, or anything else that might need done) is it a nightshift thing?
[/quote]
It is a night shift thing. Try doing nights and you would get it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/03/2022 10:44

Bookmark

Yesterday 07:49 aSofaNearYou

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
Could he not sleep in the spare room? Why does everything revolve around what he wants versus three people who are warm and snuggly asleep?

Because it's his bloody bed as much as hers. If she wants the other person to not he able to use it then she should be the one to sleep in the spare room. It's selfish.“

This. 9 and 5 year olds don’t need to be sleeping with their parents. YABU.

Harrysmummy246 · 15/03/2022 12:15

YANBU

He is

DH and I sometimes end up in separate beds if one is ill or I'm being insomniac. If DS wants to sleep with one of us after a bad dream, he does. He's 4. If DH and I are in same bed and DS needs me, DS and I go to spare room.

It's a bed, they're your kids, it's him being weird.

Harrysmummy246 · 15/03/2022 12:16

[quote roisin18]@SleepingStandingUp I just found it interesting as everyone seemed to jump straight to "he was nightshift, of course he should get to come back and go to sleep in his own bed" but there was no info on when he starts or how long he had been up, most just seemed to go straight to yabu he should get to go to his bed.

I'm not saying he shouldn't go straight to bed. I don't actually mind him Not helping as I know he's tired. But I find it interesting that I work full time too, but also do bed time and morning routine when he's nightshift (and some other shifts) but when he comes in from work, his immediate sleep is more important than anything else going on (kids sleeping, morning routine, or anything else that might need done) is it a nightshift thing?
[/quote]
Agree- why do you have to do all the family stuff but he just gets to go to bed?

aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2022 12:31

@Harrysmummy246

YANBU

He is

DH and I sometimes end up in separate beds if one is ill or I'm being insomniac. If DS wants to sleep with one of us after a bad dream, he does. He's 4. If DH and I are in same bed and DS needs me, DS and I go to spare room.

It's a bed, they're your kids, it's him being weird.

... But you said if you want to sleep with your DS, then YOU move...
Italiandreams · 15/03/2022 13:00

Absolutely nothing wrong with children sleeping with parents. They do it all across the world and have done for thousands of years. It's almost more weird that we insist they sleep on their own from such a young age ( I am very much a 'whatever works for you person' so great if you all sleep best in your own beds but their is definitely nothing wrong with co sleeping)

Which bed is a separate issue, personally myself and my husband are happy to sleep in what ever bed is easiest, all are comfy and we will do anything for sleep! Bonus if it's without a child's foot on my face! However, I admit I've never done nights so maybe I would feel differently then, but currently if our bed had too many visitors it's like a race to see which of us can escape to the spare room first!

Nikolaus · 15/03/2022 13:52

It is a night shift thing. Try doing nights and you would get it.

But it's not. My dad did nightshifts and didn't act like this.

OhJanet · 15/03/2022 14:25

@Nikolaus sorry if I missed it but what job did your dad do?

Nikolaus · 15/03/2022 14:33

sorry if I missed it but what job did your dad do?

He worked in police custody.

I don't think saying "it's a night shift thing" works because plenty of people who work nights wouldn't feel this way, and then some absolutely would feel this way, so there are other variables at work.

OhJanet · 15/03/2022 14:53

As always, what works for some Might not work for others. If the night shift is an active job I.e. on your feet constantly for 12 hours then I can understand why someone might want to come home to the comfort of their own bed without having to squeeze in with 3 other people.

Harrysmummy246 · 15/03/2022 16:57

yes, @aSofaNearYou but DH would move if awake etc. The point is we're not so flipping precious about a piece of furniture

GlitteryGreen · 15/03/2022 17:03

I don't think it's a night shift thing, I think some people just don't like to encourage children to be sleeping with their parents if there is no real need.

I am very much like that. Bad dreams or illness are one thing, but other than that I want them in their own beds and don't want them thinking ours is an option. I really struggle to sleep with a child in the bed. I definitely wouldn't like it if my DP took the opportunity to have them in our bed every time I wasn't around for the night because I'd feel like it was making me the 'bad guy' and risking them wanting to sleep with us more as well.

GlitteryGreen · 15/03/2022 17:07

I wouldn't expect someone on a night shift to help when they get in in the morning, I'd expect them to go to bed, BUT I would expect them to be picking up other things during the times they're not at work. School run and afternoons, for instance.

aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2022 20:43

@Harrysmummy246

yes, *@aSofaNearYou* but DH would move if awake etc. The point is we're not so flipping precious about a piece of furniture
I mean, good for you, but there's a massive empathy deficit in just totally dismissing that it might matter to some people instead of just going in the spare room yourself since it doesn't matter to you at all, and being capable of respecting that it does to them.
Original poster
roisin18 · 15/03/2022 23:01

Thanks everyone for your answers. It has been really interesting reading them all and seeing different peoples perspectives and priorities.

DH and I spoke about it last night. He admitted that he'd had a tricky night at work and was particularly grumpy by the time he got in. I apologised for notbeing considerate of the fact that he wanted to go straight to bed. We established however, that even if I was sleeping in the spare bed he would have been irritated as he doesn't agree with older kids sleeping in the same bed as their parents. This will always be a difference in opinions. So I will continue to allow the kids to sleep in the same bed as me sometimes if they want to, but I will always do it in the spare bed. This will probably continue to annoy him, but at least he can go straight to sleep in his own bed and wake up in a better mood! Grin

OP posts: