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Original poster

Aibu - co-sleeping older kids

128 replies

roisin18 · 14/03/2022 07:28

Hi everyone.

Looking to work out if if I'm being unreasonable.

So... my husband was night shift last night (he does nightshift approx once every 3 weeks). When he is nightshift I let my 2 kids sleep in beside me. (9&5) He really hates it and moans every time as 1) he wants to go to bed when he gets in but there's no space, and 2) he thinks it's weird to sleep with them at that age.

So to save the argument I've started sleeping in the spare bed with them on those nights so he can come in and have our bed to himself. But yesterday I had just changed the sheets and they kids had fallen asleep in my bed so I just climbed in. This morning he came in at 6.30 (we get up at 7.15) so we all had to get up.

He is making out that sleeping in the same bed at that age is making them too codependent etc, but I just think it's nice to cuddle in together every now and again.

I think he is being a complete twat. But willing to be told I'm wrong.

OP posts:
babywalker56 · 14/03/2022 10:10

I think there's nothing wrong with a cuddle in bed with the kids here and then but I personally don't see the need to co sleep with them. But then I've never been a fan of co sleeping so I would say that lol

Nikolaus · 14/03/2022 10:15

So if someone wanted to sleep in their own bed and you were in it for no particular reason, you would genuinely think they were being "precious"?

If my child wanted to sleep in my bed with her father sometimes while I was on nights, no I wouldn't give a fuck, I'd go sleep in her bed. It's really not a big deal. It's not like I'm never going to get my bed back again, is it? Children aren't children forever, they don't be sleeping there every night.

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 10:20

@Nikolaus

So if someone wanted to sleep in their own bed and you were in it for no particular reason, you would genuinely think they were being "precious"?

If my child wanted to sleep in my bed with her father sometimes while I was on nights, no I wouldn't give a fuck, I'd go sleep in her bed. It's really not a big deal. It's not like I'm never going to get my bed back again, is it? Children aren't children forever, they don't be sleeping there every night.

That's a false equivalence though. If the child wanted to sleep with their mother they could sleep in their bed, or in the spare bed, rather than write off their father's desire to sleep in their own bed as "precious" rather than care about how he felt.

It might not be a big deal to you but it might be to others. Lots of people get bad backs in different beds, or struggle to sleep there. I would never be comfortable in a child's single bed. All my stuff is by my bed.

It's very selfish to just say "I wouldn't give a fuck so I don't give a fuck if others do".

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 10:22

@Nikolaus

So if someone wanted to sleep in their own bed and you were in it for no particular reason, you would genuinely think they were being "precious"?

If my child wanted to sleep in my bed with her father sometimes while I was on nights, no I wouldn't give a fuck, I'd go sleep in her bed. It's really not a big deal. It's not like I'm never going to get my bed back again, is it? Children aren't children forever, they don't be sleeping there every night.

See I'm with you, if he was doing something with his kid (either our children or his DD) that made them all happy, then let them be happy. They won't be kids forever. I genuinely believe I would leave them too it even if it inconvenienced me a bit occasionally. But then everyone is different I suppose.
OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 14/03/2022 10:25

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Could he not sleep in the spare room? Why does everything revolve around what he wants versus three people who are warm and snuggly asleep?
Working a night shift is bad enough with a disturbed sleep pattern as it is without then being relegated to the spare bed when you get in. OP, maybe you sleep in the kids bed when your dh is working nights,
Flickflak · 14/03/2022 10:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 10:35

@aSofaNearYou I get what you are saying about it being his bed and I can see you feel very strongly about it.

It is his bed too and I understand that. I have not kicked him out and asked him to sleep downstairs on the couch. I was a bit put out that he wanted us to instantly jump out of bed as soon as he got in. I have always been of the opinion that the kids are only young once, we have years to sleep in our bed, one sleep in the spare bed is not the end of the world. For example, I slept in the spare bed whilst doing night feeds so has not to wake him, I could have demanded he moved beds if he wanted a full nights sleep, but I never because I don't care. But it seems he does. So now I know.

OP posts:
Margaretmatcher · 14/03/2022 10:41

OP are you afraid of being on your own (without your dp) at night. Just asking because for a long time I hated it when my dp worked nights and had to sleep with the light on

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 10:42

[quote roisin18]@aSofaNearYou I get what you are saying about it being his bed and I can see you feel very strongly about it.

It is his bed too and I understand that. I have not kicked him out and asked him to sleep downstairs on the couch. I was a bit put out that he wanted us to instantly jump out of bed as soon as he got in. I have always been of the opinion that the kids are only young once, we have years to sleep in our bed, one sleep in the spare bed is not the end of the world. For example, I slept in the spare bed whilst doing night feeds so has not to wake him, I could have demanded he moved beds if he wanted a full nights sleep, but I never because I don't care. But it seems he does. So now I know. [/quote]
Yes but the bottom line is, if it doesn't bother you at all to sleep in the spare bed, then why don't you do it? It's not that hard to understand and respect that many others do strongly prefer to sleep in their own bed. If you're not one of them and you're also the one stopping him from having space in his bed, then it's a no brainer that you should be considerate enough to do it rather than judging him for minding.

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 11:38

@aSofaNearYou But the point is, I do usually sleep in the spare bed. This was once.

Never mind, I don't want to try to change your opinion, you clearly feel strongly about it and that's ok.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 11:41

[quote roisin18]@aSofaNearYou But the point is, I do usually sleep in the spare bed. This was once.

Never mind, I don't want to try to change your opinion, you clearly feel strongly about it and that's ok. [/quote]
To clarify, I feel more strongly about the defence coming from others that he is being precious and selfish, than I do about your comments.

I recognise that as a rare occasion this isn't that big a deal. Still, it would have been far more considerate to have gone in the spare room.

cultkid · 14/03/2022 11:44

I would be really jealous if my husband slept with our children over me. I want to sleep in my bed with him. I don't want him to sleep in a guest bed with the kids

If you can't all fit in comfortably then the kids need to be in their own bed

How would you feel if he slept with them and you couldn't sleep with him three night a week? It's shit coming home from a night shift and then being alone, maybe he wanted to be able to give you a hug.

ChairCareOh · 14/03/2022 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 11:57

@cultkid

I would be really jealous if my husband slept with our children over me. I want to sleep in my bed with him. I don't want him to sleep in a guest bed with the kids

If you can't all fit in comfortably then the kids need to be in their own bed

How would you feel if he slept with them and you couldn't sleep with him three night a week? It's shit coming home from a night shift and then being alone, maybe he wanted to be able to give you a hug.

I would definitely not be jealous of my children. I'm quite secure in my relationship and don't worry at all about whether he's giving them more love than he is giving me. I am sure he feels the same. We generally don't go to bed at the same time and often work opposite shifts. We have never been precious about bed, he sometimes falls asleep downstairs watching TV and doesn't appear in bed until the early hours. Doesn't bother me at all. But I know it would bother other people. Everyone is different I suppose.
OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 14/03/2022 12:28

[quote roisin18]@aSofaNearYou I get what you are saying about it being his bed and I can see you feel very strongly about it.

It is his bed too and I understand that. I have not kicked him out and asked him to sleep downstairs on the couch. I was a bit put out that he wanted us to instantly jump out of bed as soon as he got in. I have always been of the opinion that the kids are only young once, we have years to sleep in our bed, one sleep in the spare bed is not the end of the world. For example, I slept in the spare bed whilst doing night feeds so has not to wake him, I could have demanded he moved beds if he wanted a full nights sleep, but I never because I don't care. But it seems he does. So now I know. [/quote]
I do think you have a point about it being a one off, and can see why it seems like an overreaction. Just sounds like it might be a bone of contention in your marriage anyway so the context is important here too. He doesn't like the cosleeping, he's been annoyed about it before, so he's reacted to all of that too. He should let a one-off slide and just climb into the spare bed, but if he's already annoyed by the whole thing I can see why he didn't want to.

Jennifer2r · 14/03/2022 12:48

I'd want to know what he was insinuating with 'weird'.

Thatsplentyjack · 14/03/2022 12:50

I used to dobthis with my kids, and more often than once every 3 weeks. My dp would just sleep elsewhere when he came in. Sometimes the couch because we don't have a spare room. He's being weird.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 14/03/2022 12:58

Tell him to sleep in the spare room! I love co-sleeping with my 10yo. I just make sure it's seen as a treat, not all the time.

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 13:09

@Jennifer2r

I'd want to know what he was insinuating with 'weird'.
I think he is trying to say that it is not the "done thing" and will affect them in some way (like making them dependant on me or make them anxious when doing normal things like staying at someone else's house) but they are great sleepers usually. This only happens occasionally. Both sets of grandparents live nearby and they love going for sleepovers!
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 13:22

@Thatsplentyjack

I used to dobthis with my kids, and more often than once every 3 weeks. My dp would just sleep elsewhere when he came in. Sometimes the couch because we don't have a spare room. He's being weird.
Bloody hell, how selfish.
Italiandreams · 14/03/2022 13:32

@cultkid - you would be jealous ? Of your children?
I would enjoy having a whole bed to myself!

Serious though what is the issue with co sleeping? We regularly do with our children, because they just enjoy cuddles and comfort. The OP's children obviously can sleep alone because they mostly so, but they obviously just sometimes enjoy time with mum.

My husband or I would have just gone and got in the other bed and thought it was a result to not sleep with a small child's foot in our face. It's just a bed, and the OP said both were perfectly comfortable.

TigerLilyTail · 14/03/2022 13:47

I'm a lone parent. I often end up sleeping in one of the kids beds as the kids and cats end up in mine. I don't think it's a big deal at all.

if I was tired after working nights, I'd just crash out in the spare room. I don't see it as a big deal at all.

MissyB1 · 14/03/2022 15:00

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

Tell him to sleep in the spare room! I love co-sleeping with my 10yo. I just make sure it's seen as a treat, not all the time.
Why the hell should he? The man has been out working all night! He just wants to get in his own bed and sleep. If I came home and was told to sleep in the spare room I would seriously kick off! I don’t know if you have ever worked nights, it really is a different kind of tired.
Tdcp · 14/03/2022 15:04

I sleep with my 7.5 year old. Our neighbours are awful and keep her awake so we just switched rooms so she's with me in the box room and her dad is in the noisy room. She likes it and apart from her violently kicking off the covers a few times a night I'm happy with it too. Your husband is weird.

CremeEggThief · 14/03/2022 15:12

Is it not normal to stay up for at least a couple of hours after a nightshift instead of going straight to bed? Confused My XH always stayed up for a few hours when he worked nights. Surely he could have waited an hour if you all had to get up anyway, instead of insisting on jumping straight into bed. And my DS still co-slept with me very occasionally well into his teens, so he's being weird about that as well.