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Original poster

Aibu - co-sleeping older kids

128 replies

roisin18 · 14/03/2022 07:28

Hi everyone.

Looking to work out if if I'm being unreasonable.

So... my husband was night shift last night (he does nightshift approx once every 3 weeks). When he is nightshift I let my 2 kids sleep in beside me. (9&5) He really hates it and moans every time as 1) he wants to go to bed when he gets in but there's no space, and 2) he thinks it's weird to sleep with them at that age.

So to save the argument I've started sleeping in the spare bed with them on those nights so he can come in and have our bed to himself. But yesterday I had just changed the sheets and they kids had fallen asleep in my bed so I just climbed in. This morning he came in at 6.30 (we get up at 7.15) so we all had to get up.

He is making out that sleeping in the same bed at that age is making them too codependent etc, but I just think it's nice to cuddle in together every now and again.

I think he is being a complete twat. But willing to be told I'm wrong.

OP posts:
SushiRice · 14/03/2022 09:01

There's a lot of climbing going on around bedtime. Do you have high sleepers? 😁

Rinatinabina · 14/03/2022 09:03

Tbh I’d be a bit annoyed too if after a long shift I couldn’t get into my own bed. Not ok to make you feel weird about co-sleeping, it’s not for me but I wouldn’t think it’s odd.

MissyB1 · 14/03/2022 09:07

I used to work nights, I would have been fuming if I had got home and couldn’t get into my bed! And why should he sleep in the spare room?
It was your fault the kids got woken up, because you caused the situation.

ukborn · 14/03/2022 09:08

It's not just a cuddle though is it?
I wouldn't do it. My relationship with my husband was extremely important (I'm a widow now) and no kids in bed unless poorly. Certainly not both of them. I do think it's odd a nine year old still happy to sleep with you but if yours likes it then that's your business, but I'm on the side of your husband here. If you continue to do this and you get up shortly after he gets home anyway, why not get up as he comes home, or stay in another room those nights? I'd be pretty annoyed if I couldn't get into my own bed after working overnight.

SpidersAreShitheads · 14/03/2022 09:08

@aSofaNearYou But I don't see why that would make a difference? It's once in a blue moon. Demanding you must only sleep in the main bed and the main bed only is more than a bit entitled if you've got a comfy, clean and warm bed in the other room. It's a very occasional request, at most.

What if one of the kids were sick (I know they weren't) - would she have to decamp to the spare room then as well? Because technically that would also be her "fault". Or are we saying that it's OK for her to stay in the main bed if it's her fault as long as people consider the reason for it being her fault to be socially acceptable?

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm spoiling for a row, because I'm honestly not. But I think that spending some quality time snuggling up with your DC at night has a lot of value, especially as they get older. We don't put enough value on these kinds of things in this country - as this thread is highlighting.

For me, a lot does hinge on whether he can sleep well in the spare room. If he can, then the chance for OP to spend a bit of quality time with the kids once every three weeks is perfectly fine, and he can sleep in the spare room if she doesn't remember, or circumstances don't permit it (such as one of the DC falling asleep in the main bed).

And I mean, that's the thing as well isn't it? It's not as if she's even asking him to sleep in the spare room every time she co-sleeps - only when she doesn't remember/kids fall asleep. So even if that's 50% of the time - which it doesn't seem to be generally - that's still only once every six weeks. I don't think that's a lot to ask unless the spare room is absolutely awful.

Sux2buthen · 14/03/2022 09:09

@SpidersAreShitheads they all have a comfy clean warm bed, he just wants everyone to use their own so he can use hisGrin
Understandably

FluffyScarves · 14/03/2022 09:10

I’m not against co sleeping. But I think they’re old enough to be in their own beds now. And I think your partner has a point. And you should listen to him.

I have a friend who co slept with her child up until she was 8. She’s a single mum. But you’re not. You have a partner and you share a bed with him. It’s his bed too as much as yours.

I echo the others. Are you doing this co sleeping mostly for you? I don’t know. But think about it.

At the end of the day. It’s your call. But that’s my opinion. I feel a bit sorry for your partner coming back from night shift/work and there being no space in his own bed. I would’ve been well fucked off. And probably would be shitty about it and shitty about the co sleeping to be honest. Even in the spare room. I think you’ve gone about it the wrong way and have pissed your DH about it all. So yes, I think he has a reason to be shitty about it. As you gave him no thought initially. His nose is out of joint.

2022HereWeCome · 14/03/2022 09:11

This is the reason we bought a king size bed a few years ago and gave DS our double. He's 8 and inevitably i fall asleep after reading him stories .... sometimes I wake up and relocate to my DH but other times I just wanna stay put and sleep

workwoes123 · 14/03/2022 09:12

Hmm tricky. We Co slept for a long time (I think they were 7 and 5) when we stopped. But we had a massive family bed to do this in so We were all in it together.

Does he just feel left out? I know DH still struggles with feeling that I am closer to our children than he is - because I was a SAHM for 10 yrs including bfing until they were 3/4 yrs old. Even now at 14 / 11 yrs old they will walk past him to ask me a question. It’s just habit for them but it makes him feel left out.

MrsReeves · 14/03/2022 09:13

Totally missing the point here but why does he go straight to bed when he gets in, and can't wait 45 mins for everyone to get up? Everyone I know that does nights gets in in the morning, has their "tea" before bed. Does he go straight to bed after working a day shift?

Nikolaus · 14/03/2022 09:13

My mum would do the same when my dad was on nights. He didn't get moody Shen he came in and couldn't get into his side of the bed, he would just go and sleep in my bed. I didn't do it every time he was on nights though. I don't think it's that big of a deal to have to sleep in a different bed sometimes. I remember still doing that in Year 5, so 9-10.

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 09:17

@SpidersAreShitheads You don't see why it would make a difference because you've made it clear that you are perfectly happy sleeping in your spare room. But there are lots of reasons many people prefer sleeping in their own bed. He has intimated he is one of them and he shouldn't really have to explain that or meet with opposition, she should respect it.

If it's so completely fine to sleep in a spare bed and entitled to feel the need to sleep in your own, then what is the issue with her doing it?

And yes, if it's only happening once in a while then it's by no means the end of the world but that doesn't mean that it isn't on a low level a selfish action to have blocked him sleeping in his own bed, knowing that this is what he would want.

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 09:19

@Nikolaus

My mum would do the same when my dad was on nights. He didn't get moody Shen he came in and couldn't get into his side of the bed, he would just go and sleep in my bed. I didn't do it every time he was on nights though. I don't think it's that big of a deal to have to sleep in a different bed sometimes. I remember still doing that in Year 5, so 9-10.
Well you were the person that benefited rather than suffered from it, weren't you 🤷‍♀️

If your dad didn't like it and wanted to sleep in his own bed then you would be selfish to still maintain this was no issue.

tootiredtospeak · 14/03/2022 09:22

His kids too or just your kids. If they arent his maybe he just doesnt get it it's not for everyone. I wouldn't sleep with my 9 and 5 year old unless they were ill.

Elsiebear90 · 14/03/2022 09:23

So basically you don’t like sleeping alone so “let” the kids sleep with you when he’s not there? I’m with him on this one OP, if you only do this when he’s on nights it’s not really co-sleeping, it’s just you not wanting to sleep alone. I think he has every right to sleep in his own bed and I don’t think its a healthy setup for the kids either.

SpidersAreShitheads · 14/03/2022 09:26

[quote aSofaNearYou]@SpidersAreShitheads You don't see why it would make a difference because you've made it clear that you are perfectly happy sleeping in your spare room. But there are lots of reasons many people prefer sleeping in their own bed. He has intimated he is one of them and he shouldn't really have to explain that or meet with opposition, she should respect it.

If it's so completely fine to sleep in a spare bed and entitled to feel the need to sleep in your own, then what is the issue with her doing it?

And yes, if it's only happening once in a while then it's by no means the end of the world but that doesn't mean that it isn't on a low level a selfish action to have blocked him sleeping in his own bed, knowing that this is what he would want.[/quote]
You think she should respect the fact that he wants to sleep in his own bed and has the right to do so...........I think he should respect the fact that she wants to spent valuable, quality time with her DC and that him sleeping in another bed once every 6-9 weeks or less, isn't much to ask.

She's not done it maliciously or on purpose or thought, ah bollocks to him. She's already compromising by saying that she'll try and sleep in the spare room, and has said that she usually does. It's only the very odd occasion that she's asking him to be understanding. Him coming home and throwing them all out of bed when there's a perfectly good bed in the other room that he could sleep in just this once reeks of histrionics and selfishness.

I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one 😅

ittakes2 · 14/03/2022 09:33

I think there is nothing wrong with the co sleeping but you are being very selfish and unkind thinking it’s ok for them to sleep in his bed when he wants it after working all night. They only feel asleep there because you let them.

Nikolaus · 14/03/2022 09:34

Well you were the person that benefited rather than suffered from it, weren't you 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, my dad didn't see it as "suffering" though fgs, he still had a bed!

If your dad didn't like it and wanted to sleep in his own bed then you would be selfish to still maintain this was no issue.

I think my dad would he a bit selfish to have an issue with it in the first place. He got the bed for years before I came and will have years in it afterwards but would moan because sometimes he would need to sleep in my bed? That's a bit precious imo.

So honestly I think OPs DP is being a bit unreasonable.

But hey, if he really needs his bed every single night, I'm not sure what OP can do.

Maybe Op, you could get a double bed in the spare room or a double in the kids rooms? A sofa bed? That way you could sleep with them on the the nights your DP is working and he can still use his bed.

Nikolaus · 14/03/2022 09:36

She's already compromising by saying that she'll try and sleep in the spare room, and has said that she usually does. It's only the very odd occasion that she's asking him to be understanding. Him coming home and throwing them all out of bed when there's a perfectly good bed in the other room that he could sleep in just this once reeks of histrionics and selfishness.

I agree.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/03/2022 09:43

When my DD1 has a bad dream or isn’t feeling well, she’ll climb in with us. She’s 8 and I won’t stop her doing this if she needs us. I wouldn’t enforce this every time DH wasn’t there though.

The only time I opted to have both DDs in with me from the get go was when DH was out and I wasn’t feeling well at all. Rather than try and get them both to bed, I brought them into our bed and we all went to sleep. When DH came home, he carried them both to their own beds and then got in. If he hadn’t done that, he’d have slept in the eldest’s bed.

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 09:47

*You think she should respect the fact that he wants to sleep in his own bed and has the right to do so...........I think he should respect the fact that she wants to spent valuable, quality time with her DC and that him sleeping in another bed once every 6-9 weeks or less, isn't much to ask.

She's not done it maliciously or on purpose or thought, ah bollocks to him. She's already compromising by saying that she'll try and sleep in the spare room, and has said that she usually does. It's only the very odd occasion that she's asking him to be understanding. Him coming home and throwing them all out of bed when there's a perfectly good bed in the other room that he could sleep in just this once reeks of histrionics and selfishness.

I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one*

We are going to have to agree to disagree, because I am incredulous that you're managing to spin it to make him the selfish one for wanting to sleep in his OWN BED. The bed is his and OPs, not the children's, who have their own. It's like saying he's selfish for wanting to live in his own house or wear his own clothes, because the kids have decided they want those things instead, or OP has decided they should have them instead.

She can have quality time in the so very adequate spare time if she wants it so badly. It is inherently selfish to expect someone to give up their own bed, while you keep your own bed, to accommodate you putting someone else in it, when you could easily do that elsewhere.

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2022 09:50

@Nikolaus

Well you were the person that benefited rather than suffered from it, weren't you 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, my dad didn't see it as "suffering" though fgs, he still had a bed!

If your dad didn't like it and wanted to sleep in his own bed then you would be selfish to still maintain this was no issue.

I think my dad would he a bit selfish to have an issue with it in the first place. He got the bed for years before I came and will have years in it afterwards but would moan because sometimes he would need to sleep in my bed? That's a bit precious imo.

So honestly I think OPs DP is being a bit unreasonable.

But hey, if he really needs his bed every single night, I'm not sure what OP can do.

Maybe Op, you could get a double bed in the spare room or a double in the kids rooms? A sofa bed? That way you could sleep with them on the the nights your DP is working and he can still use his bed.

So if someone wanted to sleep in their own bed and you were in it for no particular reason, you would genuinely think they were being "precious"? Yeah, this whole attitude just reeks of selfishness, so it's little wonder you are defending selfishness.
Halllyup17 · 14/03/2022 09:51

A bloke does a full night's work then wants to sleep in his own bed, but can't because the kids are there, is immediately called selfish and controlling?

I despair of Mumsnet sometimes.

Kids need to sleep in their own beds really.

Original poster
roisin18 · 14/03/2022 09:59

Thanks everyone for the comments. I can see that my opinion on this one was in the minority and I will think it over today before we talk about it later.

I get what everyone is saying about him being entitled to come home to his own bed, that is of course why unusually sleep in the spare bed, (which he chose and is very comfortable by the way.) I guess I was just a bit offended that he made me feel weird about it and just felt a bit disappointed that he wouldn't let me have that once. For context, I work away a lot so it's not that I can't sleep by myself - I do so regularly. I just felt that when I'm back, if they kids want to be with me, then they can be, and if that means sleeping in the same bed then by all means!

I was surprised that someone posted asking if they were his kids. They are his kids, but I'm not sure what difference it would be if they weren't? He has a DD from a previous relationship, but I didn't mention her as It didn't feel relevant for biology to come into this? When she was little I would never have assumed I could pass judgement on something they did just because she wasn't mine. Everyone is allowed an opinion, but if you are all living together in the same house, basing it on biology is a bit mean imo.

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 14/03/2022 10:06

Tbh some people just aren't on board with co-sleeping, especially if it's not being led by the children (ie. if they usually are happy to sleep alone) or conversely if the possibility of sleeping with you every time he's not here is causing them to want to do that more/creating issues with them sleeping alone when he's home.

I agree with others that I'd be annoyed to get home from work and find my bed full.

Hopefully you can find a compromise OP :)