Feeling suicidal due to lack of sleep - 8 month old

[PocketRocket12]

Hi all.

I genuinely cannot take any more. My 8 month old wakes hourly, screams unless held and rocked and often is awake for hours on end. He will not co sleep, just screams and rolls around more until I stand.

We have tried various forms of gentle and more firm sleep training techniques out of desperation at 7 months. These improved my little one’s sleep and mood massively for a short while but due to a series of events (teething, illness and then moving in with our in laws), little one is more wakeful and hysterical than ever at night.

He is on three good meals, plenty of milk, is usually happy in the day and has only ever slept in his cot day and night - he doesn’t sleep in the car or pram. We have a good routine and have paid lots of money for sleep consultants etc who helped things improve for a short while. Health visitor also can’t offer any form of advice other than the usual (white noise, dark room, routine, food etc... been doing it all since he was tiny).

We are living with my in laws whilst we build a house (also stressful!) and they are very strongly against sleep training of any sort. I can’t bear the argument and fall out when they are being so kind and generous letting us live here for a while so I spend my nights rocking my son for hours on end so the rest of the house can get some rest.

I can’t see a way that our situation will ever improve whilst we live here (another 9 months here).

I am so emotionally exhausted. My husband has crashed his work vehicle twice due to exhaustion. Feel like an absolute failure of a mother. Every night at the 6th/7th wake up I plan how I might kill myself the following morning to make it all stop and to give my son a better caregiver to attend to his needs.

I can’t engage with him in the day properly as I’m so exhausted. I love him dearly but often feel I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic... I’ve slept 6 hours straight twice in 8 months... I didn’t think it was possible to feel this broken and still going.

Sorry I have reported my post it was meant to be on another thread no idea how that happened .

When you go back to work will he be with a childminder? My baby was the same, waking hourly, I nearly went completely mad. Started gentle sleep training at 7 months, but when she went to the childminder at 9 months the childminder just had a knack of getting her to nap. With me dd would would only have 20-30mins nap and I'd have to constantly move, but she'd do mega 4/5 hour naps for childminder. Better naps seemed to improve her sleep at night, sleep begets sleep I think. 2 weeks before her 1st birthday she slept through the whole night for the first time ever. It's shit when you're going through it, but the sleep will improve definitely.

I haven't read the full thread but I really feel for you OP. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and it can really get to you.
I think there is a sleep regression around 8 months so he may well be going through that.
Does he have a dummy or a comforter? My DD used to be awful but a comforter really helped her and it is the first thing she reaches for in the cot when I put her down.
Also, is he in his own room or in with you? Moving my DD into her own room made a huge difference to her sleep. I was initially really reluctant to move her as I thought that at least with her in the next to me crib, I wouldn't have to actually get out of bed for her many night wakings but it turns out we were all just disturbing each other. Moved her to her own room and she slept so much better.

I just want to say that everything you have said is a reflection of my 9 month old son. It's been the toughest 9 months of my life and the most mentally drained I've ever been. Those lonely hours in the night are the worst.Until Feb this year I was up every 1.5-2 hours every single night. I'm now up every 2-3 hours and he wakes for the day at 5:30am. (I also have a 23month old as well so I'm utterly exhausted).
I live in NZ and in Feb I was referred to a sleep clinic at a hospital and I go next week! I hope it changes my life.

Im sure your an amazing mum, sleep deprivation is absolute torture and unless you are up pretty much all night and all day for months on end you have no idea what it's like. I get it completely.

Hoping things change for you very soon xx

I think you have to get tough with your inlaws and say you'll be doing sleep training and suggest they get some ear plugs as you are suicidal and there is no other way. Put your foot down.
You won't be good to anyone dead.

Thank you everyone. I’m going to stick to normal formula, add colief drops (no harm right?), keep his daytime routine in place (he naps brilliantly in his cot in the day - 9-10.30 and 1-2.30 absolutely no problems whatsoever as long as he is in cot, never ever a motion nap....), get some rest myself tonight at another location whilst in laws do the night shift and then begin our sleep teaching plan on Sunday eve (husband has Monday off). Frank convo with the in laws probably won’t be needed as they will have just done the previous night and understand the seriousness of my mental health deterioration. It breaks my heart but my son honestly needs his mum well and healthy and able to enjoy life. Thank you for all your advice and encouraging me to reach out, the mental health team who are looking after me now are amazing and helping me tackle these things without feeling overwhelmed.

Hoping next time I update you all it’s with wonderful news from a happy well rested mummy

Hope you get some much needed rest and enjoy seeing your sister

Sending you love too @Nel246, sleep deprivation is not a badge of honour to wear, it is utterly soul destroying. Hang in there mama, I hope the sleep clinic changes your life xxx

OP, I really feel for you. DS1 had CMPA and was a terrible sleeper until diagnosed. His was also 'mild' and mainly caused eczema, but must have been giving him a sore tummy and/or silent reflux too. He was on Aptamil Pepti (on prescription) which is apparently the more palatable of the CMPA formulas, you could try that? Our GP suggested adding a drop of vanilla essence too (though we never had to). If it's CMPA as opposed to lactose intolerance then unfortunately colief won't help as this breaks down the lactose and not the proteins. CMPA is an allergy to the proteins. As your baby has a history of reflux then it's definitely worth putting him back on the medication to see if that helps?

This might seem crazy advice given how tired you are but you might want to grab some nytol sleeping tablets just in case you struggle with sleep tonight. Fingers crossed for lots of rest!

Thank you @MumUndone- it’s the Aptamil Pepti that we are trying at the moment. Maybe we should persevere? Xx

@PocketRocket12
How are you doing?
Hope things are OK and you managed to get some rest at your sisters

Hi there @Cleverpolly3. Thank you for asking. I had a night’s sleep at my sister’s house on Saturday. It was absolutely heart wrenching leaving my son with daddy and in laws but I honestly needed it urgently. I stressed myself out all the way there that I wouldn’t even sleep anyway and guess what - I slept all night. My son woke up every hour as usual and spent two hours awake and cross between 11-1am but nothing unusual for him really. I came back not feeling in an endless pit, more motivated and clear headed about how I can positively change my situation so I can start really enjoying my son and being a mum. I am two days into anti anxiety meds, one day into talking therapy and on night three of sleep teaching (we are down to one wake a night already!!!). I feel like there is a light. I still have a lot to work out in my head around anxiety and confidence but I am getting there. Thank you all so much.

What a good update, so glad you've got help and things seem to be going in the right direction

That’s great to hear @PocketRocket12

Op, bloody well done!

❤️❤️❤️ that’s fantastic

How did your DH and in-laws manage?

Glad you're seeing the light, Pocket, I remember your OP from a few weeks ago.

@Susannahmoody They had a really tough night with him but they all survived. And my baby still loved me when I saw him in the morning which he was genuinely worried about. I think if anything it made everyone realise that I was doing something similar to that every single night for months.... suddenly there was support all round for a change.

The peri natal health team have been utterly incredible. I just can’t believe I didn’t know support like that existed. I am scheduled in for weekly sessions with the psychologist who works with you around coping strategies for anxiety as well as unpicking the trauma of severe sleep deprivation, raising a baby in a pandemic, not feeling a good enough mother etc

I honestly didn't realise how awful lack of sleep was til I had my first. I ended up having massive anxiety attacks and had to be taken to the hospital to get a sedative! That time is a bit of a blur now.

My partner and I had to move baby into her own room, and split the night so that I we were getting a solid block of sleep each. We had to do some pretty firm sleep training which helped a bit. I think the period from 4-9 months was the absolute worst and then things settled a bit.

So much sympathy op.

If it's any consolation my second is a naturally good sleeper, so it's fuck all to do with any parenting and just luck of the draw.

Really pleased that things are moving in the right direction! Do not feel guilty/worried about spending time away from your baby, you’re doing it for both of you.Hope it continues to go well

Really pleased things are going well for you now pocket rocket. Hopefully your in laws will be more supportive from now on.
I found this thread at 2am after googling sleep deprivation is making me suicidal. I have a 6 month old dd who wakes several times a night and doesn't nap well during the day either. You're not alone, there are loads of mums going though the same thing. I'm getting through each day by telling myself it won't be for long (it sure feels like it right now though!)

Hey @PocketRocket12
Just wanted to say and that I hope you - and your DS - are doing ok x

Hello @Niffler2019. How are you? Please take your feelings seriously. I considered how desperately low I was feeling “normal” for a long time and it spiralled for me. Sending you love and hugs, parenting is hard work as well as rewarding.

@Cleverpolly3 thank you for the message. I have good days and bad days but mostly good! I’m still very tired but not on my knees with exhaustion (son wakes twice a night now rather than 272829 times!) and the days are enjoyable. My connection and bond with my son was always there but it feels so intensely strong now if that makes sense? Like I’m more present and have more to give him. Compensating the tiredness with early nights and resting when he naps, and reassured that this is more “usual” then the extreme we had before.

I’m currently feeling overwhelming anxious about returning to work next month. I feel like I’ve just managed to grasp a bit of control, routine and bearable nights (as well as actually enjoying the days more) and now a lot of that will be take away. I’m sure that’s a normal way to feel?