Feeling suicidal due to lack of sleep - 8 month old

[PocketRocket12]

Hi all.

I genuinely cannot take any more. My 8 month old wakes hourly, screams unless held and rocked and often is awake for hours on end. He will not co sleep, just screams and rolls around more until I stand.

We have tried various forms of gentle and more firm sleep training techniques out of desperation at 7 months. These improved my little one’s sleep and mood massively for a short while but due to a series of events (teething, illness and then moving in with our in laws), little one is more wakeful and hysterical than ever at night.

He is on three good meals, plenty of milk, is usually happy in the day and has only ever slept in his cot day and night - he doesn’t sleep in the car or pram. We have a good routine and have paid lots of money for sleep consultants etc who helped things improve for a short while. Health visitor also can’t offer any form of advice other than the usual (white noise, dark room, routine, food etc... been doing it all since he was tiny).

We are living with my in laws whilst we build a house (also stressful!) and they are very strongly against sleep training of any sort. I can’t bear the argument and fall out when they are being so kind and generous letting us live here for a while so I spend my nights rocking my son for hours on end so the rest of the house can get some rest.

I can’t see a way that our situation will ever improve whilst we live here (another 9 months here).

I am so emotionally exhausted. My husband has crashed his work vehicle twice due to exhaustion. Feel like an absolute failure of a mother. Every night at the 6th/7th wake up I plan how I might kill myself the following morning to make it all stop and to give my son a better caregiver to attend to his needs.

I can’t engage with him in the day properly as I’m so exhausted. I love him dearly but often feel I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic... I’ve slept 6 hours straight twice in 8 months... I didn’t think it was possible to feel this broken and still going.

Your problem is an in-law one not a baby one, they may disagree with sleep training but until they are willing to stay awake all night, rocking him to sleep then there are going to be problems while you are under their roof. Can you afford to rent somewhere for a while?

That sounds so awful for you.

Not sleep related, but I had a period of planning suicide because I thought my children would do better with a different caregiver and now I've recovered I realise that is absolutely not true. Whilst the sleep sounds dreadful and I feel for you (and realise you need a practical solution) please know that you are a wonderful mother and absolutely the best for your child

I have so much sympathy for you, lack of sleep is torture. My youngest woke up every hour for the first 6 months and I thought I was going mad, now I can't remember much of that time, I was like a zombie. It will get better but until then you and your partner need a plan and you definitely need help with your mental health. Do your family know how low you are feeling? If not they need to so they can support you. I would advise seeing your GP too about getting support. Could you try some gentle sleep training that doesn't involve leaving your little one to scream if that isn't what you want. You aren't alone but when you are going through it it feels hellish. You will get through this x

I'm no sleep expert at all, but, does he sleep happily in his cot in the day?

I can't help. Other than offer a hand hold and empathize. Genuinely been there. The only way I got out of it was 3 nights of crying it out about the same age. Brutal. But necessary. And we were all better for it. Baby was even happier during the day. Slept like a champ and years later no ill effects. I honestly think I did her a favour in the long run.
Can you just tell in laws to get fucked or suggest they go on a weekend away somewhere to get it done?

Obviously if you've ruled out anything medical/underlying.

My eldest was similar. I was so tired I started to hallucinate. It was terrifying. I found a diary I kept for the Hv the other week. She was up every 45-60 mins at that age. I felt people didn’t believe me!
8-9 months was the worst of it, iirc, and it did get better eventually. My next child slept well- comparatively!
I think you need help here. There’s 4 of you and one of them so I think you need to do one night in four. Does he take a bottle? If so you need to make a rota. If they are against firmer sleep training then they should be willing to pitch in. Maybe your husband could do a weekend shift if he works conventional hours?
You mustn’t carry on like this- it sounds dangerous for your health.
You’re an amazing mum and he’s lucky to have you. Do you think you could talk to dr about the suicidal thoughts?

It will get better.

Ear plugs alll round.
And ask GP for a sleep plan. Got ds sleeping in 3 nights...
He had been in /out of hospital his whole 10 months and never been alone.
It can be done.
And it wasn't brutal.

An you afford a night nanny so you can have a break?

Would you try safe co sleeping? This helped me and DP get enough sleep to function. Sorry things are so awful for you, it truly is torture when they won't sleep.

First of all, please make an appt with the GP to discuss how you're feeling. I know it's only circumstantial but it doesn't make it any less real or important. You need support. Honestly, your child will absolutely not be better off without you and you are not a failure - some babies do not sleep well and are absolutely resistant to any form of training. I had one too. My second sleeps much better and I've done nothing different. They just come out as they are.

Second, take baby to the dr to check for any unusual reasons for this eg undiagnosed food allergies.

I want you to know that it can and does improve even without aggressive training.

Are you breastfeeding? If not I would massively recommend that you book yourself into a hotel for two nights. Come home during the days, but go and have two full nights sleep.

If you are breastfeeding is obviously harder to get a break. If you're not co-sleeping have a look at safe ways to do so - not having to get up can make a difference.

Finally, prioritise your sleep over all other things. Sleep in the day whenever you can., get friends or relatives to take baby for a pram walk so you can rest for an hour or two. DO NOT do chores during this time.

It does suddenly get better. My first was exactly the same at 7 months. It was my very worst point. I became so mentally ill social services ended up having to check on me for a while. But by 10 months my baby went down to one wake a night with no training schedule ... it was just part of the development.

I now have a second baby who is 6 months. Sleep is deteriorating and it's bad, but not as bad and also having the perspective that it DOES and will end helps. I know it's hard to believe now but this will come to and end and you will feel better.

Huge hugs xxxxx

Also, I felt like I'd make a terrible mistake until my first was about 18 months. She's now almost 4 and absolutely fab and I even went on to have a second.

If you take nothing else from this thread please remember that all you need to do is just get through each day and it will end - sooner than you think. Little one will not be a baby forever (thank god!)

You could try splitting the night with your dh to catch up on some sleep. Do a 4-6 hour shift each. One of you go to a different room/the sofa and sleep uninterrupted until you swap over. It’s not going to solve little ones waking but might let you both catch up on some sleep and feel less exhausted.

I can sympathise op. My DD2 never slept day or night. She wouldn't sleep in my arms, in the bed in her cot in her buggy.. Nowhere. I was exhausted and had a toddler too. I hit a wall when she was 1. We brought her to a sleep specialist who gave us a programme to train her. It was tough at first but after a week she was sleeping through the night, the first 3 nights were the hardest. My GP prescribed me serotonin as I was so low and was concerned if things didn't get better that I would end up getting sectioned on a psychiatric ward. This is just the short version but things will get better. If you want to pm me please feel free.

This was me 6 years ago!
We cried it out, we co slept, we had sleep consultants, and I honestly thought I was going insane because nobody believed me that I was being woken every 40 mins all night long. It's horrific, like torture and you have my complete sympathy.
My boy had allergies, not what was keeping him awake, they were under control, I only mention because he had been seen by A LOT of doctors. It was only when he was 4 years old and a junior dr at his 4 year needles asked why we'd never had his tonsils out because they were so huge.....we had his tonsils out, grommets in, and adenoids done - he literally slept through the night for the first time in hospital that night! I cried all night long, just pure relief. Two years on and he sleeps so well. I'm so so angry no one picked this up earlier - I'm not sure if your Bub is too young but it might be worth a mention to your GP and ask them to check.
Really hope you're ok, sleep deprivation is just awful

Definitely try to book a hotel for a night of uninterrupted sleep. Then let your OH have the next night in the hotel. Even these nights will help you.

Try the co-sleeping.
Get the inlaws ear plugs and explain you need to make him less reliant on you at night - so you need to let him cry a bit. (Don't use the words sleep training). If they are completely anti - then tell them you can't cope with the amount of wake ups and could he sleep in their room for the night? - just to give you a break. - Then you use the ear plugs and leave them too it.

If your OH is driving for a living he has to get sleep - so maybe he can sleep in another room a few nights a week.

You will get through this. Do talk to your health visitor/GP. Do let friends help you by looking after LO for an hour during the day so you can nap.

Sleep whenever baby sleeps.

If at all possible, get the in laws or a friend to take the baby out in the day and catch up on some sleep then. Take every opportunity to sleep including at weekends if you can have a lie in etc. Lack of sleep is a real killer so it’s completely understandable how you feel. It won’t be forever though, he will sleep eventually and so many new parents have felt like this at some stage, you’re not alone. Lots of positive wishes for you and hope you can get some rest!

Would you consider safe collecting?

*Co-sleeping

Hello @PocketRocket12 we're so sorry you're having such a difficult time. Sleep deprivation is torture. We echo the advice here to contact your GP or health visitor about your DS's sleep but also to look after yourself too, as you're important.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us – we like to link to some ideas for support. You might find some useful links here. We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Call your GP

You are all so very, very kind. Sat here crying because I don’t feel so alone. Most days I feel like no one else is going through this or will understand how I feel so it’s comforting to share in other’s sleep deprivation misery (sorry!!) and that there is hope. Does it truly get better? I am struggling with seeing that light at the moment.

Will call GP and make note of all the helpful practical things you have listed here. Last time I spoke to GP they said I was coping and didn’t require any additional support at that time so I’ll be sure to say I don’t feel I am coping. X

When the receptionist told me there were no appointments I told her I would therefore be leaving ds in his pram in the foyer buggy park.
She got me an appointment straight away...
That ds is now in the army where sleep deprivation is used commonly in training..
Bloody karma at work!!
No shame in asking for professional help.. GP was life changing..

I am so sorry. You are an amazing mum! It 100% gets better, my DS is now 16 months and doesn't wake at night I'm sure you will be in the same situation. It will pass. I hope you are okay xx