Feeling suicidal due to lack of sleep - 8 month old

[PocketRocket12]

Hi all.

I genuinely cannot take any more. My 8 month old wakes hourly, screams unless held and rocked and often is awake for hours on end. He will not co sleep, just screams and rolls around more until I stand.

We have tried various forms of gentle and more firm sleep training techniques out of desperation at 7 months. These improved my little one’s sleep and mood massively for a short while but due to a series of events (teething, illness and then moving in with our in laws), little one is more wakeful and hysterical than ever at night.

He is on three good meals, plenty of milk, is usually happy in the day and has only ever slept in his cot day and night - he doesn’t sleep in the car or pram. We have a good routine and have paid lots of money for sleep consultants etc who helped things improve for a short while. Health visitor also can’t offer any form of advice other than the usual (white noise, dark room, routine, food etc... been doing it all since he was tiny).

We are living with my in laws whilst we build a house (also stressful!) and they are very strongly against sleep training of any sort. I can’t bear the argument and fall out when they are being so kind and generous letting us live here for a while so I spend my nights rocking my son for hours on end so the rest of the house can get some rest.

I can’t see a way that our situation will ever improve whilst we live here (another 9 months here).

I am so emotionally exhausted. My husband has crashed his work vehicle twice due to exhaustion. Feel like an absolute failure of a mother. Every night at the 6th/7th wake up I plan how I might kill myself the following morning to make it all stop and to give my son a better caregiver to attend to his needs.

I can’t engage with him in the day properly as I’m so exhausted. I love him dearly but often feel I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic... I’ve slept 6 hours straight twice in 8 months... I didn’t think it was possible to feel this broken and still going.

@PocketRocket12 hold on 💐.
I know I'm only repeating so many others on this thread, but this time in your life will seem like the blink of an eye sooner than you know.
It is SO HARD, the hardest thing I have ever endured.
Stay in survival mode, do whatever you need to do to get through. Definitely sleep train when you feel ready. Definitely talk to your GP. I ended up taking sertraline for a year at this point. In hindsight I wonder if I needed it, as I truly believe it was sleep deprivation alone that made me feel awful, but it really did lift my mood, so it was worthwhile.

Sleep deprivation is dreadful, I am virtually holding your hand. I wish I could come and help for a couple of nights 💐💐💐

Crying. I’ve found my people. I was nervous about posting as it is very difficult to admit you are not coping. I was desperate to find someone who could honestly say they had been there, there IS hope and it WILL get better. Thank you for not judging me xxx

@YukoandHiro I used to dream about the exact same. Maybe break a leg or something - few weeks in hospital on lots of drugs sounded like a dream.

@PocketRocket12 I felt like there had been a conspiracy to keep all the shit bits quiet when I had my DD. I was actually annoyed with my DSiS... again sleep deprivation to blame. Avoid the smug (often lying) people who love to say how well their baby is sleeping. They don't help you one bit. Things absolutely will get better! You've got an awful lot going on...house renovation, staying with relatives, young baby and whole pandemic situation, any of those on their own are significant. You will look back at this period and realise how amazingly strong you are.

@PocketRocket12 it's not just you, a lot of mums feel this way in the early days, they are SO hard and no one understands. When I first had my son I can remember saying to my husband 100% seriously that I wanted to put him back in me for a few days so I could catch up on sleep, questioned why I even had a baby, questioned everything I did, felt like a total and utter failure but trust me it DOES get better, my son is now 16 months and I am 4 months pregnant with baby 2 so if I can do it anyone can!! You're doing a great job, and any mum who questions being a good mum means they already ARE a good mum! Xx

You are all so kind. Today my son napped much better and I had a nap too, every little helps. I took him swimming this afternoon which I never have the energy to do but I’m just trying so hard to be present for him and take my mind off the looming nights. As is probably normal for mums with babies that don’t sleep... I am utterly obsessed and anxious about naps and bedtime and wake windows and all of that stuff. He’s currently in a nap transition, refusing his third nap, which means his bedtime now has to be super early at 6.30 (4 hours wake window.. probably too early to be honest) or I attempt to wrestle another nap into him and he goes down at 9. I honestly will obsess about these decisions for hours and have no idea whether I’m doing the right thing. Anyone else remember how they handled bedtime at this age? I overthink every detail in the hope it may eventually improve his night wakings. X

Sorry meant **probably too late to be honest. His max awake time is 3 hours so we’ve got ourselves all in a tangle tonight and he’s woken up twice already :-(

He’s woken 12 times before midnight. Husband on night shift. I really do want to die. I don’t see how this can ever get better.

Consider night nanny if you can afford, they can do even occasional nights some times

As a previous poster said, a night away in a hotel so you can have uninterrupted sleep. Husband can do that on another night.

Really feel for you xxx

I felt the same way and got a few night nanny nights , 2 nights a week for a few months. I was desperate when I contacted them and hadn’t slept in 2 months for more than a couple of hours. Getting those two nights sleep a week saved me. I hadn’t heard of such a thing beforehand . For my next two children, I have night nanny planned long in advance, and knew that it was an absolute essential investment in my own sanity.

You need some sleep, if that’s husband, night nanny, even PIL... anyone who can let you have some sleep. You can’t go on like this. Your husband sounds like he’d benefit from alternating or extra help too, the two car crashes are terrible .
I hope you can tap into what help you can to get through this time ( and this time will pass)

Xxx

I went through very similar to you op, I was hallucinating with sleep deprivation.
Just have a look out of your window somewhere nearby there will be another mum awake right now like you are, feeling like you do, you are not alone.
You are incredibly strong and doing an amazing job with your baby and things will get better.

Where are you OP? I'm in London and I'm awake now with my 6mo who has already woken three times and been fed twice since 7pm - and she's my good sleeper! (I'm still starting to get fed up with it now)

Hang on.
Stay with us.
Your baby needs you. The world needs you . You are loved.

And we here all understand.

It will get better. You don't even need to do anything if you don't want to. It will get better because your baby will get older.

6-10 months (weaning) is the worst bit with sleep. The worst. It ends.

I really hope your husband wakes quickly each time and stops the crying so that you get a proper few hours rest in a row. I know that I found it hard to sleep through cries even when someone else was officially on duty. That, I think, is the hardest bit of being a mother that nobody talks about.

I have been there.
My youngest ended up being prescribed melatonin which didn’t do a thing
He still sleeps with me but at 3.5 but he does sleep now and mostly really well.
Have allergies been ruled out
Have you thought about asking for a secondary care referral perhaps melatonin might work for you. If you have a forward thinking Gp it helps
Also a friend of mine had a non sleeper who was transformed through cranial osteopathy

I know it’s awful
I had this in my own with two other young children. For two years I averaged three hours of broken sleep a night. Torture. Until you’ve been there you don’t realise how brutal it is. I felt spaced out and wild with exhaustion for quite some time

You are his world and you are a great mum please believe me.
Sending you a hug and I hope as with other posts you feel less alone.

My lovely, you are not alone, I absolutely swear. It. Is. Shit. It WILL be better, but right now it's horrible. We know and we are here.

Not sure if you've answered this, but do your in-laws help at all? If he's woken 12 times before midnight, did they help?

You need to get away for a night or two - someone else needs to step up. It's an urgent situation - you're not a failure but someone needs to help you!

My in laws do not help at night. They are the other side of the house and claim they can’t hear him. They help in the day where they can. My baby is combi fed but has recently started screaming at night when offered a bottle and only wants breast. Daytime he’s ok but won’t nap with anyone else other than when I put him down. He’s on three meals a day though so if I left him he wouldn’t starve would he? I’ve never left him for more than two hours. He’s only ever been attended to by me or husband at night, how would he respond to another caregiver? He’s woken every 20-40 minutes tonight now, this can’t be normal. Wouldn’t everyone have a nervous breakdown if it was? If this goes on for another night let alone until 10 months then I just can’t be here for it. I’ve just made a terrible terrible mistake and shouldn’t have had a baby.

I’ve been where you are OP and it wasn’t even as horrific as every 20-40 minute wakings. You need to see a GP urgently to rule out any physical causes. Call in the morning - this is absolutely what emergency appointments are for.
I promise this will pass and it will not go on for ten months if you implement the sleep training. Tell your DH how desperate you feel and ask him to do it with you. Can he take some leave to support you?

My first was like this.
You have had some good advice here. The only things not mentioned as far as I can see are teething pain and earache. Both are possible reasons for waking every few minutes as both are made much worse by lying horizontally and improve when propped up. If you can get his ears checked (covid permitting) it would at least rule out ear infection.
Would your in laws look after him for a few hours in the day so you could have a sleep?

Oh my lovely. My heart breaks for you.
You’re doing so, so well.

My DD is 6 months and has been waking every 45 minutes since the 4 month sleep regression hit. It has nearly destroyed my mental health and I have resorted to sleep training. I just couldnt cope anymore with the lack of sleep, I was close to self harming and was having horrible intrusive thoughts. This isn’t you.
I’m putting DD to bed, letting her cry for 3 mins, going back in, quietly singing our bedtime song and leaving again. We’re on night two tonight, she slept for 6 hours. I know letting them cry isn’t for everyone but my mind was close to breaking.
Please PM if the want to talk xx

OP, my heart breaks for you. Had a very sleepless first child and I’m not going to offer any advice as every baby is different. But it does sort itself out and I promise you, you will sleep again soon...I went on to have three more and didn’t experience the same sleep issues which was such a relief. Please know that this phase will not last forever and, I know it’s a cliche but a true one, remember that this too shall pass x

Your in laws need to be helping! Give them the baby monitor, or the baby and say good night. It's easy to say they don't agree with sleep training when they aren't the ones dealing with it.

Oh my it's so hard. My little girl is 16 months and at 8 months our nights looked very similar, she woke again and again and again, and went through a phase of thinking co-sleeping just meant party time. I was broken, and completely obsessive about naps and nap times, feeling like an utter failure of she didn't follow what I thought she should be following.

It's really important you get some time to yourself, and this isn't your struggle alone. For us things started improving at 12 months when I started to night wean her - my husband would just take her and they would co-sleep to get through the rest of the night. She's 16 months now and sleeps through a fair amount, or we have just a couple of wake up, which I know would sound unthinkable a few months ago.

Remember everything is just a phase with babies, it's always worth retrying things you thought didn't work, like co-sleeping. The utter exhaustion is horrific though, especially when you aren't in your own home. Could you book a self catering place for a week to try and do things your way a bit?

You poor thing honestly you've not made a mistake you are just going through a really shit period and anyone would struggle with this level of lack of sleep.
Apologies if it's been suggested but I did pick up put down by Tracy Hogg and found it really improved things but you'd need to get your DH on board.
Is it possible to get him to take some emergency leave... if so I'd have him do the first two nights of it and then you the next two nights on rotation... it does get better but it sounds like your DH needs to take some time off if possible as you need some help right now to tackle this

Sending hugs, lack of sleep is horrendous.

Completely agree with @Dontjumptoconclusions - if they claim to not hear, then carry on with sleep training.

As hard as it is, you need to sit down with in laws and DH and spell out how much you need their help. There are 4 adults in the house, they must be able to see how much you are struggling. Why can't you all go on a short term rota? Or Can you stay with your parents, even for a night and get a rest?

Also agree with demanding allergy tests etc. There may be an underlying cause.

It will get better, try to be kind to yourself and prioritize sleep over everything else