Feeling suicidal due to lack of sleep - 8 month old

[PocketRocket12]

Hi all.

I genuinely cannot take any more. My 8 month old wakes hourly, screams unless held and rocked and often is awake for hours on end. He will not co sleep, just screams and rolls around more until I stand.

We have tried various forms of gentle and more firm sleep training techniques out of desperation at 7 months. These improved my little one’s sleep and mood massively for a short while but due to a series of events (teething, illness and then moving in with our in laws), little one is more wakeful and hysterical than ever at night.

He is on three good meals, plenty of milk, is usually happy in the day and has only ever slept in his cot day and night - he doesn’t sleep in the car or pram. We have a good routine and have paid lots of money for sleep consultants etc who helped things improve for a short while. Health visitor also can’t offer any form of advice other than the usual (white noise, dark room, routine, food etc... been doing it all since he was tiny).

We are living with my in laws whilst we build a house (also stressful!) and they are very strongly against sleep training of any sort. I can’t bear the argument and fall out when they are being so kind and generous letting us live here for a while so I spend my nights rocking my son for hours on end so the rest of the house can get some rest.

I can’t see a way that our situation will ever improve whilst we live here (another 9 months here).

I am so emotionally exhausted. My husband has crashed his work vehicle twice due to exhaustion. Feel like an absolute failure of a mother. Every night at the 6th/7th wake up I plan how I might kill myself the following morning to make it all stop and to give my son a better caregiver to attend to his needs.

I can’t engage with him in the day properly as I’m so exhausted. I love him dearly but often feel I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic... I’ve slept 6 hours straight twice in 8 months... I didn’t think it was possible to feel this broken and still going.

@thebearandthemare that is exactly how I feel, a complete shell of a person. I don’t feel any joy at all, I’m just going through the motions. This is not how I envisioned motherhood. I hope you are feeling much better now, it’s no joke that this is a trauma and I know this will stay with me for a long long time.

I start back at work in 6 weeks so I need to try and get on top of this before then. I keep questioning about the sleep training and teething - his fourth tooth is cutting but not fully through so I want to wait until that happens. But at his age they’re coming thick and fast so just feels a bit never ending. X

Suspected cows milk allergy @YukoandHiro

Oops pressed send too quick @YukoandHiro! This could be a factor. Need to go back to GP now for action plan but I need to learn all about a cows milk free diet for me and DS and quickly x

So sorry you’re going though this OP. We also went through the dreaded sleep regression and there are no words on how awful it is. You can’t ever get in to a deep sleep if you know you’ll be woken 45 minutes later.

I 100% think it’s worth you doing controlled crying, once all the medical / allergy issues are ruled out. We did it with DD and the first night was pretty bad but nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. After 3 nights, she slept through and I cried with relief at it, after going through so much. She now sleeps pretty consistently but we do have to repeat it if we get in to the habits as before (ie starting to rock her to sleep after a few nights of night wakings from teething etc)

You have my absolute sympathy. It’s the worst but does improve, I promise

Ok, so I have a few points...

Firstly, I have felt exactly like you. I felt so depressed that I contacted my GP to say I felt suicidal and she said it sounded like I had PND but I knew deep down it was because of sleep deprivation which led to anxiety and depression.

Your baby is relying on you to rock him to fall asleep and fall back to sleep. He needs to learn to self settle and I know you must have tried everything under the sun, but I think this is the issue. My baby also relied on me to rock him and hold him every time he woke from a sleep cycle.

I'm afraid you may have to sleep train him if you are so affected by his wakings. It will take time, it certainly won't happen overnight but you will need to be persistent. Does he take a dummy? Perhaps try CIO, it may not be that bad! If you are not comfortable with it then comfort him or stop it altogether but it doesn't hurt to try.

I also think your in laws are contributing to you feeling like this and I bet once you move out you will feel so much better! Please try and stay positive for you baby's sake and do reach out to your GP.

Thank you @SKA86. You’re right, a few months ago he could go down awake in his cot with a tiny bit of whinging and fall asleep. Due to a series of things including teething, illness, moving house, it’s all gone to pot and come undone worse than ever and now he has even more of a temper so I am aware that it could be pretty awful this time round (hard enough when you’re in your own house without other people’s sleep to worry about). Will focus the next few days on finding a way to get some energy reserves to be able to tackle this as at the moment I’m too exhausted and fraught with anxiety to really stick with it when it gets hard in the early hours. I’m asking the GP for help too x

@PocketRocket12 is there anyway at all for your partner to have him one whole night at the weekend so that you can catch up on sleep? My DH had our son for two nights so I could sleep in the spare room and just sleep, because I was in such a state that he was worried about my mental health. I'm the one who gets up every night with DS so I'm the grand scheme of things it's not asking for much to have at least one night off.

It really helps to calm your anxiety levels and you can think straight and try to find a solution. Being a zombie is not helpful to anyone.

I hope things improve for you soon

Just to add.. I know space may be an issue so you might not have a spare room to sleep in but even being in the same rooM and not having to rock him or hold him all night helps

With a cmpa the child often reacts to the protein In soya

I would ask the gp for a prescription formula that contain a no milk protein, we had neonate

The gp tend to start on one called aptamel pepti which still contains the milk protein but is broke down so it's easier to digest as it's a much cheaper prescription than the neocate so be prepared to challenge this

Also if not using them already swop you dr browns bottles

We had to have some private paediatric appointments for dd and their main advice was always insist on neocate, dr browns bottles, avoid soya as much as possible

We substituted for an coconut milk as I was higher In calories than rice and oak milk, we used koko

I think it took about 4 days but there was such an improvement with dd, we didn't try dairy until she was 3 years old

Hi everyone. Another horrific night. I felt more internal rage and hopelessness than ever last night so definitely time to make a change urgently. Wonderful GP today was so understanding, let me sob, gave baby check over for my peace of mind and gave me lots of advice and support around sleep teaching which she fully supports in a situation this severe. I am also being visited by the crisis mental health team tomorrow who will visit me every week after that for as long as required.

I just want to thank you all so much. I was at absolute rock bottom and your support and advice has been literally life saving for me. We have a way to go but there is a plan for me and for my son. Hope to be able to one day enjoy motherhood and feel worthy of my wonderful son x

@PocketRocket12
You are doing all the right things. Have been wondering how things were for you.

Has a referral been considered to the specialist perinatal mental health team?
I had a truly horrific time with my third child sleep as well a birth trauma from when he was born. I wondered if I would survive it made me physically ill. They are a wonderful resource and your GP sounds like they are switched on so perhaps see if they can refer you there? You’re still under the one year Mark for perinatal services although they may have extended them.

Glad you are getting help Rocket, hoping things will improve soon for you.

So pleased your GP was supportive. Please remember you are doing fantastically and are a wonderful mum!

I remember reaching the point after months of being up 20-30 times a night I told DH we had to put our DD up for adoption. I sat making a list of relatives that could offer her a good life as I clearly couldn't - I couldn't even make her sleep. I felt useless.

Getting the GP to listen to me and agreeing to try alternative milk/medication was absolutely life changing. I can't say it hasn't damaged my relationship with her because my guilt is massive.

You are amazing and you're doing everything to make sure your baby is happy and healthy = a good mum in my books!

Take care of you

Hi op pleased you are getting help- are you on Facebook ??
If so join the page “ Uk baby and child sleep help” lots of great advice and suppose for sleep training and so many sleep consultants on their that can help for free or answer questions once u start your sleep training. Sorry if this has been suggested already , please know you are not alone!! Big hugs xx

So pleased for you and baby. All the very best for the future

I'm so pleased you have a plan in place. Was there anything helpful from the allergy appt?

Hi all. Hope you’re all well. I had my second session with the crisis mental health team today who are looking after me whilst the peri natal team put a plan together. Helpful to talk things through and we’ve discussed very short term coping strategies. Get very overwhelmed with thinking much more than 24 hours ahead so plan is to not do that at the moment. I’m currently sat downstairs with my little one with a cup of tea whilst he plays and watches tv... he’s been awake since 11pm and refusing to go back to sleep - short term strategy... take some time out from the bedroom and the endless rocking and the baby attached to my boob and have a cup of tea, he’ll soon tire out again. Not a long term strategy of course but literally just to survive tonight. Going to stay at my sister’s house tomorrow night whilst husband and in laws have DS for the night. Absolutely heart wrenching, I can’t bear to be away from him, but the team have made me see that he will be absolutely fine for one night and I need some sleep to manage the really dark thoughts and think clearly.

Allergy clinic.... it’s tricky. They conclude a mild cows milk allergy but nothing they’re particularly concerned about. We’ve removed it from his diet anyway but DS is flat out refusing the CMPA formula. Won’t touch the stuff. Difficult to know where to go from here as I do not feel emotionally capable to EBF again (just my personal feelings, I am ready for my journey to be over now).

Should I go back to GP after my night of sleep and demand DS be seen in person and physically checked over? He naps very well in the day in his cot but it seems after midnight cot / sleep is lava at the moment.

Xx

Goodness, this sounds awful!

My son has a CMPA and it has been awful.

Have you tried Similac alimentum? Apparently it’s more appetising for babies. It took around 3 days for son to drink more than an ounce at a time but then he got used to it and it made a huge difference.

I’ve not tried it @User1357, I can go back to my GP and ask. This has been our night so far:

Sleep 7-10
Sleep 10:30-11:30
Sleep 2-4

Awake now and won’t sleep, won’t be put down, won’t have milk, won’t cosleep, just wants to be held upright and whinge.

I just don’t know where to go from here I am at my wits end. He’s perfectly happy when he’s awake for those long periods, just cries If I’m trying to get him to sleep.

It’s worth saying that he used to sleep 4/5 hour block at beginning of night and got into a stage of waking up only twice a night so it is possible. Could this be yet another sleep regression? He also now refuses to nap in car or pram. X

You don’t have to go through the bother going to the GP and getting prescriptions to try these other mills you can order them online then get a script for the one you find most beneficial. It would probably be quicker.

There is a regression right about now, when you say no sleep in pram or car does that mean daytime sleep has been affected too?

Are you in the same room?
I was over responsive to my DD and exacerbated her poor sleep by responding to every sound she made. Moving her down the corridor helped immensely as I only responded if she was really awake.

You know where it's going wrong: the rocking and the feeding. He is getting reliant on and seeking those out as sleep cues. At 8 months unless he is tiny he doesn't need milk overnight. Don't give it and he won't wake up for it. Plus no rocking. My health visitor called it "grade B comfort" - don't lift him, lay him back down and gently lay your hand on his chest.
A dummy is incredibly useful too. None of mine took a dummy as a newborn but I was able to persuade them to use one as comfort eventually. DS 1 was about 8 months when he took it, DS 2 5 months, DS3 6 months and DD was 18 months when she finally took one - and still found it immensely helpful as a comforter. I would clip the dummy to their shoulder so they could find it in the night. All gave them up easily as they turned 3.

Good luck. I am currently in perimenopause insomnia which is annoying but quieter! And none of my kids wake up before 8 am (And the teens, not before lunchtime at the weekend!)

I may be way off and I'm sure you've tried everything.

Just in case, when DD refused alternative milk we were advised to add Colief drops to her normal formula milk. It helps break down the lactose or something like that. It worked for some time.

(I think you can buy it over the counter)

DH has been suffering from severe insomnia (side effect of medical treatment) and has been trying every possible solution.

One that has been surprisingly successful (and cheap and harmless) is eating a fresh kiwifruit  before bedtime. Your baby is old enough to eat one chopped up so worth a try.