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Original poster

Feeling suicidal due to lack of sleep - 8 month old

221 replies

PocketRocket12 · 30/04/2021 13:17

Hi all.

I genuinely cannot take any more. My 8 month old wakes hourly, screams unless held and rocked and often is awake for hours on end. He will not co sleep, just screams and rolls around more until I stand.

We have tried various forms of gentle and more firm sleep training techniques out of desperation at 7 months. These improved my little one’s sleep and mood massively for a short while but due to a series of events (teething, illness and then moving in with our in laws), little one is more wakeful and hysterical than ever at night.

He is on three good meals, plenty of milk, is usually happy in the day and has only ever slept in his cot day and night - he doesn’t sleep in the car or pram. We have a good routine and have paid lots of money for sleep consultants etc who helped things improve for a short while. Health visitor also can’t offer any form of advice other than the usual (white noise, dark room, routine, food etc... been doing it all since he was tiny).

We are living with my in laws whilst we build a house (also stressful!) and they are very strongly against sleep training of any sort. I can’t bear the argument and fall out when they are being so kind and generous letting us live here for a while so I spend my nights rocking my son for hours on end so the rest of the house can get some rest.

I can’t see a way that our situation will ever improve whilst we live here (another 9 months here).

I am so emotionally exhausted. My husband has crashed his work vehicle twice due to exhaustion. Feel like an absolute failure of a mother. Every night at the 6th/7th wake up I plan how I might kill myself the following morning to make it all stop and to give my son a better caregiver to attend to his needs.

I can’t engage with him in the day properly as I’m so exhausted. I love him dearly but often feel I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Sorry if this sounds dramatic... I’ve slept 6 hours straight twice in 8 months... I didn’t think it was possible to feel this broken and still going.

OP posts:
TrendingHistory · 02/05/2021 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Panda2021 · 02/05/2021 06:52

Sorry I haven’t read every post so not sure if this has Rbeen suggested but try a magnesium spray on baby , massage into body at night 30 mins before bed and within a few days 4/5 you should see a difference. Honestly give it a go. You can buy the spray from Holland and Barrett ,better you is one brand - have a sensitive one ideal for babies
I could honestly kiss the person who suggested it to me, went from multiple wakes to 1 wake and last night slept through for the first time!! Same age as your baby . Wishing you all the luck, it is not easy xxxx.

1AngelicFruitCake · 02/05/2021 06:54

You are not alone. I hated my husband at one point (really hated) because I was the one getting up and I couldn’t cope. She would sleep for an hour and wake, feed, repeat. Then my toddler would wake up early. It does get better, you will get through this and it’ll all be a distant memory x

WildfirePonie · 02/05/2021 07:02

If the in laws can't hear then you can try sleep training?
Surely they can't enforce parenting styles and not even bother to help out. Do they know about DH car crashes?!
I'd rather live in a caravan on the drive of my new build than be tortured at my in laws.

Makingnumber2 · 02/05/2021 07:22

@PocketRocket12 you have been doing amazingly to cope with this for so long. My baby slept more than your DS but I was still a wreck and on verge of PND. Like you I also fixated and obsessed about nap timings and wake windows etc.
I used the Huckleberry app in conjunction with wake windows inforgraph I got from a Facebook group called Respectful sleep training. The app let me track nap and sleep times and helped me not mess up wake windows- easily done when baby refuses a nap or when you’re so tired yourself you can’t do the maths.
The 8 month sleep regression was one of the worst for us. We had sleep trained at 6months with success and then 6 or so weeks later that regression came and undid it all.
I also read a lot in my daughter’s newborn days about people taking their babies to chiropractors to check things like neck and spine alignment as there is a school of thought that birth trauma can cause things to not be aligned and this can cause baby real discImport, also having spine and neck alignment looked at can help babies with reflux I read.
I think once you’ve been to GP yourself, take your DS and ensure he has no medical issues and then hit the sleep training as soon as you can. Your In laws have to keep out of it- they can go away for weekend if they are so anti it. This is literally the difference between health and suicidal thoughts for you and health and having car accidents for your husband. If they can’t appreciate how significantly this is affecting you then they must be blind!
Things will get better and it won’t be like this forever. Your son is so lucky to have a mum like you who has kept going in the most difficult of circumstances 💕

cptartapp · 02/05/2021 07:43

I'd stop bf for a start. If you're suicidal then this is a no brainer. At least you can be away from him for more than two hours. I'd have gone bonkers without that.

Do PIL's have another room far from baby where he can't be heard, or a garage or outbuilding? This will sound ridiculous, but it saved my friend. Set up a camp bed in there with duvets etc and alternate nights with your DH, or at least you go in there all night when your DH is off work the next day. You'll get a full interrupted nights sleep at least twice a week.
I was lucky mine were good sleepers by four or five months, but I'd stopped bf by then and wasn't afraid to let them cry.
Good luck. I hated that first year and went back to work asap.

ManicPixie · 02/05/2021 09:03

Have a frank discussion with your in-laws that you need to do sleep training ASAP. They need to be made to understand why it’s important. You should not be feeling this way after 8 months and something has to change.

For what it’s worth we were in a similar boat and eventually did full-on cry it out. It was a miracle cure for us that I wouldn’t recommend lightly, but if you’re at the point of saying you’re suicidal and everything’s terrible now anyway then it won’t be any worse and is the fastest way to get results. Within 3 nights ours was doing 7-7 and was so much happier in the day.

opalescent · 02/05/2021 09:20

@PocketRocket12

I am sure that you will be in an incredibly tired and foggy place, so I'm going to be sparing with words

  1. your precious baby, your family and the wider world needs you to be here ❤️❤️❤️ do NOT doubt that.

  2. this situation will come to an end, and you will sleep normally again

  3. the views of your parents-in-law, and quite frankly- your relationship with them, is not of importance right now

  4. sleep training can help

opalescent · 02/05/2021 09:27

And in real terms- if it's a choice between stopping breastfeeding and sleep training: or feeling suicidal- there is no question.

Original poster
PocketRocket12 · 02/05/2021 10:22

Thank you all. My MIL took my son at 4.30am this morning - was brave and went into her room to ask for help. Have slept 4 hour straight from then in order to think more clearly. Firstly, he is cutting his fourth tooth and refusing bottles, should this impact on us starting sleep training? Secondly, I am booking him into an allergy clinic privately as long wait times for NHS. Thirdly, how do I stop breastfeeding? Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketRocket12 · 02/05/2021 10:23

Husband and I have agreed we will do our sleep training plan again regardless of what in laws say due to the severity of how I / we are feeling. It was very hard the first time so I want to make sure they I don’t get shaken by my own excuses for not being consistent - teething, hungry but won’t take bottle etc x

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketRocket12 · 02/05/2021 10:25

Probably worth adding he was taking bottles and only having one breastfeed (bedtime) until we moved house. Bottle refusal perhaps linked to teething? He could genuinely still need night feeds and I don’t know how to manage this.

OP posts:
SusannaMorvern · 02/05/2021 10:39

Apologies if someone has mentioned this. But I was struck by the fact that you said this goes on until you stand? Are you sure your baby doesn't have reflux? DD was a terrible sleeper (and still is to a certain extent), I had hallucinations at the lowest point and ended up with PND. DD was exclusively b/f, so the paediatrician ruled out milk allergies despite there being a family history, I drank milk by the gallon, paediatrician said what I ate or drank would have no affect on DD. It was years before I realised this wasn't true. She also always had eczema on her face and dreadful nappy rash, plus hideous sometimes bloody nappies.
It took a long time for her to be diagnosed with CPMA and I was told the need to be upright as a baby was probably reflux.

FiloFaxx · 02/05/2021 10:45

@PocketRocket12 sending hugs to you as this sounds so so tough for you. I don't have much advice as we've been going through a similar journey with my 6 month old and so many wake ups and nothing but holding her will help.

I echo getting in touch with your GP tomorrow or if you feel it's bad today then call 111. You are not alone and its nothing you're doing wrong.

The fact you've come on here being so honest and looking for help shows that you're an amazing mum. You need to be here for your little one ❤️

TiltTopTable · 02/05/2021 10:51

Sounds like a nightmare scenario to me. Just a thought, as I haven't seen it mentioned, have you tried a dummy? I know some frown on them but surely a dummy is preferable to a mother seriously contemplating suicide.

Original poster
PocketRocket12 · 02/05/2021 10:52

@SusannaMorvern funny you should mention that. He actually had horrific reflux for the first five months of his life which was heavily medicated with Omeprazole (worked amazing). He was slowly weaned off 3 months ago as he seemed to grow out of it once he could sit upright unaided. He naps for long periods in his cot in the day with little fuss (mostly). Shall I ask GP to re-review reflux? Xx

OP posts:
Robinkitty · 02/05/2021 11:53

Well done for coming up with a plan OP and for asking for help.
Someone up thread mentioned magnesium spray, just be careful with that, that stuff burns me like hell. I wouldn’t put it on my baby...

SusannaMorvern · 02/05/2021 12:26

Shall I ask GP to re-review reflux? Xx

There's no harm in asking or even trying him back on reflux meds and making sure there are no food intolerances.
Although my DD wouldn't nap either, when she had reflux.

Cleverpolly3 · 02/05/2021 12:27

Teething can thrown huge curve balls and cause havoc with sleep. All three of mine were already tethers and when it happened it was really awful for a few months even with the first one who otherwise was a good sleeper. Anbesol liquid not the gel is very good I found
If you want to stop breastfeeding it might be hard with them teething as sometimes it is one of the things that brings a breastfed baby comfort well it did with mine.

It is a really trying and distressing time

In terms of reflux when you are standing with him is he over your shoulder or are you cradling him?
Could it also be trapped wind?
Tiger in a tree hold saved my sanity with crying clingy babies who wouldn’t settle and the amount of burps and trumps if for our even after winding was unreal.

Hope that bit of sleep has made a difference.

Cleverpolly3 · 02/05/2021 12:27
  • all three of mine were late teethers
YukoandHiro · 02/05/2021 17:28

@PocketRocket12 Definitely get a new assessment on the reflux and try going back on the meds. It could be that it's turned into silent reflux and it's causing pain hence the waking

YukoandHiro · 02/05/2021 17:35

@PocketRocket12 Yes the guides say don't train during teething and illness. If they're in pain they do literally need you and it's not just separation etc. I would wait til the tooth is through. But great to have a plan.

YukoandHiro · 02/05/2021 17:45

PS: well done on getting PILs help. They need to understand the extent of the situation

Original poster
PocketRocket12 · 03/05/2021 16:30

Thank you @YukoandHiro. It’s so hard to ask for help but I know now that I literally cannot do this alone. We had another rough night last night but I didn’t have any suicidal thoughts around the usual time so that is progress. Appointment at private allergy clinic this week, urgent appointment with GP tomorrow about myself. I really hope things get better, I am desperate but a bit more hopefully x

OP posts:
LBB2020 · 03/05/2021 21:14

@PocketRocket12 sending you hugs! We’re currently having a terrible time with DS2 who is 7 months. He slept well as a newborn but since the 4 month regression he’s been a nightmare, we average 4 wake ups per night but for the past week or so it’s been every hour or sometimes every half hour! I’m so tired I feel ill and I’m also extremely emotional due to the tiredness Sad my DH is wonderful but struggles to settle DS (he’s breastfed and super clingy). We’re reluctant to sleep train as we don’t want the crying and screaming to disturb DS1 (who has always been a brilliant sleeper thank goodness!). DS1 also has SEN which adds to the exhaustion as he’s going through a difficult stage at the moment too!
Being a parent is so hard, but this phase will pass and will soon be a distant memory (that’s what I’m telling myself!), hang in there! Flowers x