How to start Self settling?

[rosieswain]

Help! I've made a right mess of DS sleep. He's 9months old now and still swaddled and fed to sleep. Wakes 1-2 hourly every night 😢 He's miserable, tired and I need to help teach him to sleep but where to start?
I've read Lucy Wolfe's stay and support approach and I like that idea. However, last night at bedtime I took him out of his swaddle and put him in a sleeping bag. But an hour later and lots of crying I had to put him back in swaddle bag as he was like a man possessed just thrashing around and knocking dummy out etc. I did get him to sleep by pinning his arms down but then he woke 10mins later and I thought what's the point in that anyway he might as well be swaddled? I see pics of babies in sleeping bags cuddled up to comforters on their sides/fronts etc looking really cosy, how do I get him to this point? Should I try and settle him on his front then arms won't be thrashing everywhere?? What does anyone suggest?!

Is self settling the same as self soothing? And controlled crying? The terminology confuses me.

I empathise, sounds really difficult for you. I started off with naps during the day, feeding DS, changing nappy and then in the cot. He would cry but then fall asleep. Now he's 9 months old and will only cry for a minute before falling asleep. Depends how comfortable you are with letting him cry.

I started with naps because I had more energy during the day to deal with it emotionally. Night time is a lonely time to be trying it out. HTH

I have no idea on the terminology either really 😂 All I know is at the minute he cannot fall asleep or stay asleep without me, and even then he can be unsettled. He's really miserable in the day time now, and he wasn't, he just looks chronically exhausted 😕
So how did you do it?!! I'm definitely prepared for a bit of crying, as long as I can be there with him and feel like I'm 'teaching him' rather than just abandoning him. Last night I sat in a chair next to his cot and tried to shush/pat, reassure etc. But it didn't work. When he was getting too upset I picked him up a few times but then when I put him down he went up another level! So I don't think that was helpful really, but then what would you do? I think an hour of trying is long enough surely??

I stopped breastfeeding a month ago thinking it would help but it hasn't. In fact it's made for more sleepless nights as now I have no way of getting him back to sleep! He will take a dummy but he thrashed his arms around like a lunatic and constantly knocks it out 😫

Hense the swaddle! But then he can't stay swaddled forever it's arguably getting dangerous isn't it. Or it would be if he actually slept 🙄😂

Agree with PP. I found leaving the room more successful OP. If I was in the room he would go quiet start falling asleep but would then see that I was there and kick off again. There is the pick up/put down method which we tried but similar to you, it made him more cross and was almost like we were teasing him. Don't know about your DS but mine is going through a lot of separation anxiety at this age and it might be another reason for you to leave the room while he cries. I used to sit on the landing or on the stairs until I knew he had calmed down.

We are on day four of Lucy Wolfe's book. Our issue wasn't overnight sleep as that was generally good, but going to sleep without nipple or bottle in mouth and going to sleep in a timely fashion. The first night it took 20 mins of soothing techniques, distracting, etc. and then suddenly she was asleep. Last night it took 5 minutes! I'm amazed by how well it's working. She slept 7pm-5am last night and then went down right away again for a hour and a half.

I will say that I almost gave up on the first night but it's worth persevering. I found gentle face blowing and ear tickling would distract her enough that she started to be receptive to other soothing methods. We now feed downstairs, then go up and do nappy change, massage, book, into sleep sack and into cot. I then lie on bed beside cot (she's still in our room as she's only four months) and stroke her head, bridge of her nose, arms, chest etc and shush her and talk to her.

We've got a Love to Dream arms up transition bag that might be an idea to get him used to arms free? You can free one arm at a time.

I also have a 9 month old who won't entertain self settling. She's in a sleeping bag though. Last night I managed to get her to fall asleep in her cot with me stroking her face, I thought bingo, she'll sleep well now... ten minutes later.. 🤯 it's totally random some nights she'll let me soothe her in the cot and other nights only boob will do. I think she has separation anxiety and is also teething but she has been like this consistently her whole life so I think im just looking for excuses 😂

Thanks for the replies all. It's great to hear there's hope!!
Sounds like sticking with Lucy Wolfe's plan might work then if I stop picking him up? I agree, felt like teasing him and a bit cruel 😞
I've just put him down for a nap semi awake, fell asleep in about 5 mins with my hand on him and just some mumbling but he was still in swaddle bag, couldn't face the drama with the arms out but I'm going to have to tackle it 😫

Following with interest! I was just reading reviews on the book on Amazon. One mentioned leaving baby crying in cot for 20 minutes? Not keen on that idea so unsure whether to take the plunge.

My first baby was self settling in a crib by this point (no tears, it just happened naturally) but baby two (~5 months) is a different kettle of fish and I am struggling. Seems very "high needs" and won't lie down long without screaming, doesn't entertain being away from me for long at all (so no one can really help me unless they take her for a drive which is ridiculous). She sleeps touching me.

Last night was truly hideous - we feed to sleep downstairs and went up at 09:30. She woke at 11:30, back to sleep by 12ish them she woke at 1am and was awake until 3ish at which point I gave up and "dozed" sitting up feeding her (no safe sleep lectures please I know this isn't ideal but I am at the end of my rope and had spent most of the night from 1am onwards quietly crying with exhaustion). Then she tried the start the day before 6am, although she did eventually drop back off on boob.

Getting a daytime routine is hard as I have a preschooler and so she had to sleep as and when (she'll only sleep on me (either feeding or in a sling) or in the car. Refuses a dummy or bottle.

I feel like I need a miracle. And like I am about to crack up. Seems like all babies I know a similar age are fab sleepers and I find myself feeling irrationally stabby when sleep is discussed as all the "oh she slept from 7:30 until 4:30 and then back down until 6:30" makes me feel awful and like a failure.

There will be crying but you're right beside them and soothing, physically comforting them, talking to them the whole time. There's no unattended crying or leaving them to cry it out while you're in another room - you should be visible and soothing them/distracting them the whole time. But it depends what you're comfortable with I guess. Sleep is the one thing I'm really hardline on as I think it's so important for her and me, so I'm probably willing to be a bit less gentle than some other people. But I still think the Lucy Wolfe method is really quite gentle as far as sleep training methods go as there's no unattended crying like controlled crying or CIO and no leaving baby alone until they're happy/asleep (it depends on your definition of 'leaving', I suppose. To me that would be them in cot crying and you in another room and not interacting with them).

Well night 2 (or is it night 1 as I abandoned mission last night 🤷🏼‍♀️) I've just put DS to bed without his swaddle and fully awake 😱 So...I put chair next to the cot and basically kept my hand on him, stroked his face, kept popping dummy back in etc until he fell asleep. Won't lie it wasn't pretty 😢 but it took about 20mins and I would say his crying was more of an angry/frustrated cry rather than tears streaming down face/heart pounding sort of cry? It didn't feel too bad! I would say the tip from Lucy's book about blowing on their face to distract them worked really well, it broke the cycle of just crying, even if it only stopped him for 30secs or so I think it gave him the opportunity to stop and think about it rather than just relentless crying to sleep 🤷🏼‍♀️ See what happens...he's only been asleep half an hour 😂

Updating for anyone following...
So after 20min bedtime tears he slept 7pm-1:30 🙌🏻 Tried to resettle him but he was getting too upset so I fed him and co-slept the rest of the night, however he did settle to sleep himself rather than feeding to sleep, and slept solid from 2-5:30! So I'm still counting last night as progress 😬

That sounds great! Well done!

That's definitely progress, and with more nights you will become more confident with your technique as well!

Yes I think so! 1st nap today was in car but 2nd nap of the day was cot nap and he's just gone down no crying! Can't believe it! Hope bedtime tonight is as easy 🙏🏻😆

If you’re struggling to get him out of the swaddle just swaddle him but leave one arm out and let him get used to that for a few nights before you take it away completely.

Thanks Darkstar- I'm sure that would have been sensible but I went cold turkey 2 nights ago now!
So bedtime tonight- 7mins crying, and really it was probably 4mins crying and 3mins wingey crying. So all in all it felt 👌 Sat next to cot and patted him occasionally if he was getting a bit too upset for my liking. Dissapointed he cried at all when he didn't for nap earlier, but never the less it's progress from bedtime last night. Let's see what over night brings 🙏🏻

Good luck! This sounds like a lot of progress from where you began. Breaking the feed to sleep association is really tough so you're doing great!

Oh my! Sounds like you've made amazing progress op.

I'm just checking out this thread because I'm totally failing at getting DD to self sooth/settle and I just feel cruel letting her cry so intensely. It's so traumatic watching her sweat and red in the face 😪 I don't like the idea of cio/cc but a couple of nights ago felt so so awful and cruel. So I've resorted back to holding her. Which I don't really want to do anymore.

What is the 'distraction' technique used by you lovely mums? Blowing on the face?

Wow I'm very jealous!! I've tried the settling in her cot thing with DD for the past few weeks and it is not working :( she gets so red and sweaty and she crawls around her cot trying to reach for me 😢 I always end up picking her up as I don't want her that upset. Sometimes she goes to sleep but it doesn't last! I'm currently feeding her after she got super upset and now she won't come off the boob without crying 😭

Ladies it's so tough 😢 I know exactly where you are. 2 weeks ago I was breastfeeding to sleep...waking 1-2 hourly and co-sleeping. I'd just had enough. But tbh it wasn't just for me, I wanted to 'sort it' for DS too as he was just chronically tired and miserable all the time!
Won't lie the 1st night wasn't pretty 😕 I tried for an hour and he was hysterical so I gave in. Whether it helped a bit or what I don't know but it's been much easier the last 2 nights. Would strongly recommend reading Lucy Wolfe's sleep plan...her Instagram videos are amazing too 😬
But in short yes, the idea is you 'stay and support' them whilst they fall asleep. So you do have to expect some crying but the idea is you distract them so that they don't just cry relentlessly until they pass out. They're supposed to be 'learning' how to fall asleep. She suggests blowing on the face to 'snap them out of it' and it does actually work!

Should probably add that so far this has worked for me at bedtime but not for resettling during the night where I've resorted back to bed sharing, which is what she recommends you Don't Do! Think consistency is the key..I'm working on it 😂

Just so pleased to have an evening back! Watched Britain's Got Talent tonight with a G&T, totally interrupted 🙌🏻🤣

Uninterrupted 🙄 better not have another 🤪

Morning, updating for anyone interested.
So he woke at 11pm. I spent and hour and a half trying to resettle him in his cot. Not crying as long as I had my hand on him, but if I dared to move a finger he was up 😣 Just couldn't seem to get back in to deep sleep? Anyway I gave up at 12:30 and fed him, but put him back in his own cot rather than my bed...and he slept til 05:30 🙌🏻
He's honestly so chipper this morning too! Looks better, happy, babbling away etc. I feel it's going to be worth it for him as much as me if I can get him sleeping! X