How to start Self settling?

[rosieswain]

Help! I've made a right mess of DS sleep. He's 9months old now and still swaddled and fed to sleep. Wakes 1-2 hourly every night 😢 He's miserable, tired and I need to help teach him to sleep but where to start?
I've read Lucy Wolfe's stay and support approach and I like that idea. However, last night at bedtime I took him out of his swaddle and put him in a sleeping bag. But an hour later and lots of crying I had to put him back in swaddle bag as he was like a man possessed just thrashing around and knocking dummy out etc. I did get him to sleep by pinning his arms down but then he woke 10mins later and I thought what's the point in that anyway he might as well be swaddled? I see pics of babies in sleeping bags cuddled up to comforters on their sides/fronts etc looking really cosy, how do I get him to this point? Should I try and settle him on his front then arms won't be thrashing everywhere?? What does anyone suggest?!

Totally relate to the swing between deflated and optimism @Loveabiscuit! Hope today has been a bit better? I think you’re right not to push on when she’s not coping, go back a bit and try to work out the problem before carrying on. We have gone so slowly due to colds and things so tonight were just moving to right by the door. The room is tiny tho so going to turn our head away towards door to give message we are on the way out ha! I’m not too sure what to do about the hall bit as it’s pretty light in our hall and her room is close to DD1 so don’t want either one disturbing the other too much. We’ve had a few days of a bit more crying after weekend being great, not sure what it is but DD1 was away over weekend so was easier to keep things peaceful and on time! But it’s not been really bad. I get the sense it’s not so much about needing us close but more that she just doesn’t want the fun to end! I’m having days when she seems not tired enough, and others too tired, it’s such a balancing act!

We are 2 naps @Corilee2806, she is almost 10mo. Can’t wait for it to be 1 tbh after all this faff!! Yeah must be tricky navigating a nap transition in amongst all this. I haven’t got instagram but would like to see the vids, maybe I should join.

Oh dear, I’m trying to get 5m peace while DH with kids and there is a tantrum going on outside the door - gotta go!

Yea things are better here thankfully! Yest she did 2 good naps at home and a small one on the go. Bedtime easier and quicker tho still some crying which stopped once I went over beside her,she then settled very easily. Its funny cause when she's going to do a nap in the cot she pretty much just goes straight away now,doesn't really need me at all which is a huge difference to last wk. But yet bedtime is still a bit tricky for her but at least I feel we're back on track. She was asleep by 7.20 last nite til 12,had a feed back til 4.30 feed then back til 7.30,fantastic 😊 2 good naps again today and I'm just here doing bedtime,sitting slightly out of view and I think she's just going to go off with no crying!
Hope things are going well for u both,it really is tough isn't it,and all the ups and downs leave u feeling so worn out. Its like what we keep saying tho,thinking ahead to how things will be in a few wks is what keeps u going 😊
Wow success.....she's asleep 😴😴😄😆

Hello, hope you’re both doing well! Sounds like you’ve had some more successes after some tough times which is great, what a rollercoaster this is!

Today hasn’t been a great one for me, I actually started a long reply earlier and lost it, so annoying! For some reason the naps were difficult and short, which led to an early and tricky bedtime. For some reason she refused her bottle before bed, perhaps it was just a bit too early which led to major meltdown when I put her in the cot, but I got her back up and gave her the bottle then she was fine and straight off. Very against Lucy’s rules! I get disheartened so easily so I’m really trying to put this down to a bad day and we’ll start afresh tomorrow. We’re on two weeks tomorrow and i’m starting to worry we’re not making enough progress, but I guess at this stage there will be down days and set backs sometimes still, right?! It was moving in a positive direction and she was going down for naps really well, I think almost ready for us to leave the room or be by the door. Then some days the naps are so all over the place and she keeps waking from her last nap at 5 as I have to squeeze it in, and I think it’s too close to her bedtime which makes it harder.

I’ve done every nap and bedtime this week so think I’m just a bit knackered, OH does overnight but it’s only 1 feed so definitely not the hard bit! He’s now around for the next 3 days so is going to put some work in which will hopefully allow me to take a bit of a breather. It still feels all consuming but keep holding onto the fact that this will lessen in another few weeks! The routine does feel much more second nature already, but I guess I’m finding it hard when there’s sometimes more crying than I expected by now. However, on the plus side DD seems so much more rested from the better sleep so never really cries when awake and seems to have come on massively development wise!

Anyway that’s me, just wanted to share that I think I’m in a similar place in terms of the wild ups and downs - one minute feeling great then so deflated! @loveabiscuit I’m glad you had a fantastic bedtime tonight, that must feel great! I’ve had a few good naps like that but bedtime still more challenging. Must revisit to try and work out what I could change or improve.

@Merename I feel you on the naps, I can’t wait to be on 2 but I imagine when I’m in your position I’ll be counting down to when it’s 1! then everyone says it’s a sad day when the naps go completely - we’ll look back on this and laugh! Anyway you two will know all about this as you’ve done this before - I literally don’t know how you do this with more than one child so I have huge respect for both of you!

@Corilee2806, yes it’s true, one should never wish away naps or any sleep for that matter!! I can imagine for you when you’re alone, having to do the whole rigmarole 4 times a day, not sure what you’ll get each time, is waring.

I don’t know if it could help you at all but I’ve noticed a few times that if I’ve had to let DD have a later nap because first two finished early, she goes down at bedtime great. Often this is within 2.5hrs of the last nap, and she doesn’t seem that tired through the routine but just starts really yawning at the end. That’s the only time we’ve had no crying, so now trying to work off a much earlier timeframe for bedtime to see if that helps. The routine has been so nice on those nights too, she’s up for tickling and songs and snugglyness, when she’s more tired it’s a bit of a fight to keep her from moaning her way through the routine.

I’m feeling good after good ones today, and yesterday was a nice day in a different way, took her up too late for nap 1 and it was a total fail, gave up and drove and decided just to take us all out for the day. I’ve been feeling guilty that DD1’s summer hol has been dominated by this thing. So we went to sea life centre, had a fab day. DD2 only had 3 30m naps but was on great form, went down fine for bed and still slept all night. So I feel relief that we can have days like that without major disaster, I realised how much I needed it, let alone the kids!! And we are going to a music festival for the day tomorrow, been planned for ages and I’ve been apprehensive, but that made me feel a bit more like she has the night sleep down so we can party a bit.

@Loveabiscuit, that sounded like a lovely bedtime. How did she react when you first went out of sight? I’m nervous about that bit! Has it been ok with your son if she cries while you have the door open? How long until you expect to be finished all the steps? Exciting!

Hi ladies hope ur both having a nice wknd 😊 corilee u sound like u need a bit of a rest, hope ur gettin the chance. Its tough when ur on ur own a lot especially if things aren't going great. I think it's fine to still be having little setbacks or fails,it's only been 2 wks. A crazy couple of wks but good too. When u think back to how bad things were it's pretty amazing progress.
How did the festival go merename? Sounds like a lovely idea. Also the day out sounds nice,been feeling guilty about ds too and the fact that he's on his hols and we've just been stuck at home. He's such a sweet little fella and easily pleased which is great. But I'm determined to get out of here at least one day this wk and do something fun,he deserves it for all his patience! I feel bad plonking him in front of the tv at nap time and bedtime but it's just for the short term I suppose and he's happy and I know that he won't get up to anything!
Things are going good for us,really feeling like she's getting the hang of it now. The last few bedtimes have been a dream. We're still in the room but out of sight and she seems fine so I might try moving to the hall tmrw evening and c how it goes. A bit nervous after last week but she's doing so well now so fingers crossed!

The last 2 nights she's woken up between feeds and taken over an hr each time to settle back. That's been hard but I'm determined not to give her boob before the 4 hrs has passed,too risky! It's funny cause she hasn't been waking like that since I think night 2 or 3. Hoping it will settle again.
Other than that all good,boob still giving me grief but also hopeful it will resolve soon 😊

Hello! Hope you’re both having good weeks and surviving the heat! Things aren’t too bad here, had a few trickier nights as poor DD suffers from hay fever and it really affects her sleep. On Sunday night I took her in the bed with me as she just wanted to sleep on me, was so worried it would undo all the good work but it hasn’t so far! Last night her room was so hot but she had a good night - I was just up constantly checking on her though! Scared for tomorrow, it says 35 degrees here. So overall not a bad few days, naps getting easier but think we’re still misjudging bedtime a bit so going to try aiming for earlier. It’s just fitting everything in! I think a few times it’s not worked as well as my OH has come in from work and taken over the bedtime routine and she gets so excited! Which is lovely but then I think it makes her not want to go to bed. So will go back to doing it for the next few nights.

Sorry having trouble posting today! Was trying to say I got a nice break over the weekend as OH was around for 3 days so that was good.

@Loveabiscuit I had a few nights of long wake ups between feeds too - apparently that’s quite normal! We must be at similar stages in the process. It seems to have stopped for now...

Hope everyone’s doing well and good luck for the next few days! Just think, this is about one of the biggest sleep challenges we can face coping with the hot summer nights!

Oh wow that's hot!! I'm in ireland so not dealing with that thankfully,sounds a bit too hot for me! Poor baby,hope she's doin ok? I know what u mean about bringing her to bed and worrying,I find if I do anything that's not by the book I just end up worrying about it and thinking I've screwed it all up, it's so stressful! And kind of crazy, as my dh keeps saying she's not a robot! I think it's more the panic of going back to where we started than anything! But there's bound to be ups and dwns.
All ok here,mostly going really well. Still the odd difficult nap and some wake ups. Tonight she's having a tough time going off too but I think it's a bit of over tiredness. Hopefully she'll be gone soon. I'm getting used to having a nice bit of time to myself in the evenings once I get them both off 😊

Hellooo, festival was amazing thanks! Baby got a good morning nap at home and napped fine out and about, we all had lots of fun. Worried so much for nothing! But finding out and about naps now are always only 30m, like she prefers sleeping in cot now and knows she gets a better sleep. Do either of yours still get long naps outside of home? I don’t really want to train her to hate sleeping away from her own bed. Did you get any nice days out @Loveabiscuit?

We’ve had it hot in Scotland too, poor baby has been ill with a temp for last 3 days, monitor has been saying 31 degrees in her room. First night when temp was high she slept in her nappy all night. But she has still slept amazingly well for an ill child. And putting her down has mostly been a dream, she’s actually been shouting during her stories and getting frustrated, until we put her down and she can conk out immediately!! Saw gp today and got antibiotics for possible ear infection so hopefully on the mend soon. We are going on hols to lakes tomorrow so bit nervous about her taking her skills with her, when ill as well, but most things have gone better than expected so fingers crossed. We’ve defo been free styling a bit while she’s been ill, picking up and cuddling more, so we may have a bit of a fight when she feels a bit better. Feel now like she’s got the hang of overnights tho and we know what we can expect from her tho so not so daunting. It’s really an amazing change. Has anyone got to leaving the room yet? I can almost imagine that’s possible now (although we’ve still a way to go)

Thats good u got on so well,nice to feel like u can live a normal life and get some sleep 😁the heat sounds tough tho and then sickness on top of it,not easy. Hope she's doing ok for u and u get to enjoy the holiday,sounds lovely 😊
We have been leaving the room for about 5 nights now. Just standing outside but she really doesn't need us,she's been going straight off. But last night was tough,she was really upset at bedtime,didn't settle til after 8 and then also had lots of wake ups. She was really upset so I ended up giving 3 feeds instead of 2. Last one was at 4.30 but she still woke up before 6. Couldn't settle her so we just got up. She's so cranky today and naps haven't been good at all. And she's doing a new screech which is just deafening! Think there must be something going on for her,maybe teeth are coming. I just hope tonight is better,I feel so bad today! I've obviously gotten used to getting some decent sleep now!
She's kinda like urs now with the naps. We haven't been out for too many but when we have they're very short which is funny cause before that's when she did her sleeping.
Can't believe it's been 3 wks since I started this! Still hard at times but really it's been great. Hoping for an easier one tnite 😕
Hope ur both surviving the heat and looking forward to the wknd 😊

Hi ladies hope ur both having a lovely wknd and gettin a bit of a break!
I'm just looking for some advice/support/reassurance! Nighttimes here had been going really well. She was starting to go dwn no problem and had settled on 2 feeds. We had a couple of nights with wake ups which lasted over an hr but more giving out than real crying. But last night was the 3rd night in a row with really bad bedtime and just awful overnight. She's waking up at all sorts of times and she's hysterical. She's in a small travel type cot and she keeps ramming herself up it and is even managing to escape her sleeping bag! Fri night I gave her 4 feeds as I just couldn't handle it. Last night dh helped and she only got 2 but we all also got very little sleep. She woke shortly after 5 and never settled back so got her up at 6. She's been so cranky but I don't think she's teething and not going through a leap apparently.
Naps are fine,goes dwn no problem but the bedtimes and nights gone to shit. Have either of u been dealing with anything like this and if so what did ye do?? Its so hard to resettle as she's so upset with real genuine crying. Hoping it's just a small bump in this neverending Rd of shitty sleep!!

Sorry to hear of the blip, @Loveabiscuit, I can imagine the fear that it’s all going wrong...I’m sure it’s not though. Have you tried giving calpol a bit before bed just to be sure it’s not pain? As you know we’ve had teeth and colds etc during all this and have given a fair bit of calpol, as I’d rather be confident she’s not in pain if she’s going to be crying. Also personally im not convinced that the wonder weeks is totally accurate by dates, I think the idea of being unsettled by developmental leaps makes sense but doesn’t seem right to me that all babies react the same at the same age, so it could be that. How old is she now? Is she close to crawling yet? I think that’s a big transition for them at that stage.

Also have you tried going back a few stages? We did that while DD ill and it hadn’t been difficult going forward again when she’s better. On hols just now though she’s in a tiny room where all we can do is be right beside cot, although she’s been going down great so I may start going through stages again here and see if I can leave the room.

Hope it all improves soon, let us know...

Thnx for that,I hope ur holiday is going well. Its good she's going dwn well for u at least,but it would be good to get a bit of distance too,always something to be worrying about! Tho maybe just enjoy the break and deal with it when u get back??

I don't think she's been in pain to be honest. Not sure what it is but last night was much easier. She went dwn no problem and only woke twice between feeds but went back pretty easy for dh. Good naps today and went dwn fine tho was still awake almost an hr later but totally quiet! Hoping tonight will be ok again.

I agree with u about the whole wonder wks thing. She is going to be 7 months on the 2nd and has started really getting going with the rollIing and moving. Also making lots of new sounds so she could be going through something like that. As I said she's showing absolutely no signs of teething so dont think it's that.

I don't know if we need to move back stages cause when she's ok there's no problem with us being out of the room. But when she's really upset we have to be right beside her or she goes crazy. Its so hard to know at times isn't it!

I'm really hoping it's just a little hiccup and we're almost past it,fingers crossed! Will keep u posted 😊

Well things have gone from bad to worse here! Last night was crazy! She was awake more than asleep,just awful. Trying to be strict with the feeds so only did the 2 feeds but I'm just at a loss as to what to do about it. She was pretty bad going dwn last night too and just to add to it naps haven't been good at all,havin to use the pram dwn in the room a lot. I feel like everything is gone to shit!

It's unreal how stressed out I feel about it all,I feel like a total crazy woman today. Its been going on since last thur night so just a week. I really thought we'd be back on track by now not getting worse. I wish there was some way of speaking to lucy wolfe without having to pay! Just for some advice. I just don't understand what's goin on and the tiredness is killing me 😕 hope ur both doing better!

Oh nooo that’s awful! I wonder what it’s all about. I can understand you feeling so stressed, almost worse having some sleep then going backwards, than plodding along with shit sleep that’s at least predictable! And you’ll just be questioning everything I’m sure.

I wonder if you could message her on instagram? I think it was Corilee who recommended the videos on there - you can watch them without an instagram account it turns out, I watched quite a few during a difficult few days and they were helpful, and she seems to be answering people’s questions. I actually emailed right at the start, but she never replied lol.

Have you reread that bit at the back of the book ‘when good sleep goes bad?’ I’m sure you have.

Wish I could help. Feeling your pain, try just to be kind to yourself as much as you can and keep breathing. It will pass, just hard to know when. Going ok here, have had a few late nights tho, lots of buggy naps and a few failed morning naps in cot so have decided to be a bit stricter for a couple of days. Overnight sleep still good though which is a relief. Actually my friends baby that we are sharing with, who is normally an amazing sleeper, is not sleeping well, so for a change it’s not my two waking everyone up! But tired still as he’s been up for the day at 4am the last few days and I’ve struggled to sleep through it.

Everything crossed for things to improve for you

Ah thnx it's good to be able to talk about it with someone who's been going through the same thing! Thnx for the tips amazingly I had missed that section in the back of the book! Even tho I've been searching for something to cling to the last few days! We've been really trying to get her dwn earlier esp as it's been taking her so long to get to sleep. So by the time she gets to sleep she's well past it and possibly thats what's waking her...That's what lw says in the book too so really going to try have her in for 6 30 for now. Also she's up so early so I think she could be in a constant state of over tiredness the last wk as the nights are so bad. So really have to try focus on early bedtime and as much sleep as possible during the days.

I haven't had a chance to watch any of the videos of lw tho I did check out her page. I reckon I would have to be on instagram to ask her anything but I'm thinking if I get to trawl through some of the videos I might find something useful. I can't be the only one!

It's good ur nights still going well esp given that ur away,I'm sure ur delighted with that,a real test for her so she's doing great. I'm sure once u get back home it will all fall back into place after a day or 2. Pity ur still being woken so early tho,what a pain!!

Thnx for the support, hope to have good news soon 😊 hope things stay ok with u too 😊

I imagine you’re right about the overtiredness, whenever it’s bad for us, that’s usually what it’s about. So I spoke to soon. We’ve had a run of too late nights and failed morning naps, and today she only had two half hr naps, tried to give her a 4pm nap in car but it didn’t work and so went for 6pm bedtime. Wind down was hard, crying and arching back through stories etc, but she actually fell asleep in 5 min. But, woke 30min later at 6.30 and is still awake now. I’ve been in with her for 2hrs, DH has taken over now. I did everything I wasn’t meant to, lots of picking up, rocking, fed her, gave calpol even tho there was no sign of a need! It’s quiet so maybe she needed a change of staff lol. I feel that old anxiety back for sure, like will we now have night waking and we’ll be heading into tomorrow overtired but what if she refuses cot nap in the morning again... it’s making me realise how much you do need to try and stick to plan, we’ve tried to get away with too many deviations. I realised a bit of the anxiety is more of a guilt thing, feeling like I’ve caused her this suffering by not planning things properly. She was so upset .

So I know this is almost certainly overtiredness - like you say a cycle that needs to be broken. Hope you’re making headway with that....

Oh god that's awful,I hope she settled eventually and gets through the night ok. Yea u can't really relax much with it but hard to keep things going perfectly when ur away. Do ye have another wk away to go? Don't be guilting urself too much,ur just trying to enjoy ur break and do the best u can. I've been here trying to do it all properly and still went to shit so u never know! It is so hard tho to c them so upset,it really kills me too 🙁

We had an amazing night last night. I went to spare room and let dh take over. Bedtime was ok,she woke for a feed at 10.15 and I didn't c her again til 7.15 this morn!! It was a miracle! After all the crap nights she just did it no problem. Apparently she woke briefly bout 3 but dh just spoke gently to her and she went back almost straight away. I can't believe it! So doing the same tonight. I've just fed her so hoping for another 8 hr sleep😊

So try not get too worried or stressed about it. She did that after 6 awful nights and not great days so I'm sure ur dd will be fine too. But def need to watch the over tiredness,they're just not able for it,makes them crazy,poor little things.
Hope u all get some sleep tonight

Help! Baby has always been a good sleeper.... But I did have to cuddle him to sleep but then once I put him down he would sleep all night. But since he could stand at 8 months he is waking every 2 hours and standing and crying..... Once it gets to 3am I give in and put him in my bed. It seems he just wants to be with me.... There's nothing else wrong like nappy or hungry.

I'm thinking I need to get him to self settle... But don't know where to start.

I tried controlled crying.... But after 45 mins (checking him every 5-10 mins) he is still standing and crying...... Should I carry on for as long as it takes. I find it upsetting.

Any advice please

Hi barksbooboo welcome to the club! That's sounds really tough,I know exactly how frustrating and tiring it is to have all that nighttime activity. I'd imagine the problem is the fact that he's been cuddled to sleep so then when he wakes up he wants the same thing to happen to get back to sleep.

I don't know much about the controlled crying approach but sounds very hard and obviously it's not working for u. Myself and the others on this thread have been using a book by lucy wolfe. Its a stay and support approach so u never leave them alone to cry and they gradually learn to settle dwn themselves. U also follow a routine for nap times,feeds etc. Its tough at times but we've all had great success too. My baby was taking hrs to go dwn at bedtime and then waking every hr or 2. She would always end up in bed with me attached to the boob for most of the night. It was going on for months and it was so exhausting!

I'm a month into the lw approach now and she's doing really good. Huge improvement. So maybe u could even have a look online and read up a bit about her? The book is great,goes through everything with u and tells u exactly how to do things. I'm sorry I don't really have any other advice because honestly I tried so many things with her and nothing else worked!

How are things going with u now merename? Have u managed to avoid the horrible over tiredness? ? We've had a few good bedtimes and nighttimes so really hopeful we're back on track now!

Hope things good with u too corilee,haven't heard from u in a while 😊

Sorry slow reply @Loveabiscuit, been a busy week. Thanks for your reassurance. Last day of hol and can’t wait to get home! It’s been exhausting for various reasons. We’ve not really managed to deal with the overtiredness, lots of failed naps and horrible bedtimes with too much crying. But she has continued to sleep all night, the whole holiday. So it feels good that she’s nailed that so well, but I can’t wait to get back into a proper routine where hopefully going for a nap or bed isn’t so difficult for her. Just had a horrible one there, 40m of crying, and argued with DH about it . It’s so stressful, and I feel so responsible, if I had just done this or that differently etc. Mammies being hard on themselves as usual. It is so much harder to control the environment and timings being away. How have last few nights been for you? 10.15-7 is great, long may it continue!!

Had a breakthrough. It took about four days but I slept on an airbed next to the cot and he stopped crying after about 5 mins and just laid down to sleep.... He did keep waking at first but as soon as he saw I was there went back to sleep..... After about four days he didn't wake up anymore and I have now moved back to my own bed. Yeyyyy

That’s great @Barksbooboo! You must be feeling so much better. Hopefully since he’s always been a good sleeper it’ll be easy for him to keep it going.