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Original poster

Co sleeping madness

211 replies

Jomaj · 02/02/2019 22:31

Am I the only person who doesn't want to co-sleep with my daughter? I love her so much, I would do anything for her and that includes giving her a SAFE place to sleep. Everyone who I ask advice about sleep says "Oh have you tried co-sleeping?" I cannot sleep with my baby in bed with me, I would feel terrible if myself or my husband were to roll onto her or pull the covers over her head without realising. If she is sleeping in my bed then I am wide awake making sure she's ok so it's more just babe asleep in my bed than co-sleeping. Everyone says "just follow the guidelines" but I'm yet to find guidelines by the NHS, in fact they strongly advise against it!
Is it just me who thinks this way?
Btw I am not against other people co-sleeping if it works for you and it doesn't fill you with anxiety then fair enough I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there like me who just doesnt want to do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jomaj · 04/02/2019 12:15

Lunaij I think you will find that Japan is on a par with the Netherlands as far as the rate of SIDS and they believe in very firm schedules and that babies should sleep in their own beds for very early on. So your statement doesn't really prove much

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 04/02/2019 13:44

“Dc has always been a fantastic sleeper and had a great bedtime routine.”

My baby has a great bedtime routine too, went to sleep like a dream, just woke up a lot. Have you ever thought that maybe it’s not the cosleeping that causes babies not to sleep for long periods of time, but that people do it as a response to that? So you never had to consider it if you had a baby who was always a “fantastic sleeper”? It’s so easy to say that you would never have done it if you have a baby who is reasonably happy to sleep alone!

HerSymphonyAndSong · 04/02/2019 13:45

FWIW the lullaby trust specifically say that they do NOT advise parents not to cosleep and they do provide details of risk factors to consider. They are realistic about the fact that some parents may need to cosleep (or may want to)

MarthasGinYard · 04/02/2019 13:58

It was never on the cards to co sleep though.

Dc had bath, feed, cuddles and then own crib from the start so I guess it was the norm here.

Had she have been an awful sleeper I still wouldn't have co slept.

Worked for us the way co sleeping seems to work for others I guess.

catkind · 04/02/2019 14:12

Dc had bath, feed, cuddles and then own crib from the start so I guess it was the norm here.

DS had that too. We persisted and persisted. But when it was time to go back to work and it was still taking up hours every evening and multiple night wakings, we had to admit it just wasn't working for us. Cosleeping he settled easily and everyone got the sleep they needed. Sometimes you just have to admit a course of action isn't working for your family however determined you were on it at the outset. We all have different children and different circumstances. I do wish we'd stopped pushing the cot earlier, it would have avoided a lot of distress and sleep deprivation all round.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 04/02/2019 14:14

“Dc had bath, feed, cuddles and then own crib from the start so I guess it was the norm here.”

Yes if my baby had accepted that then I’m sure I would have done it too

rosesin · 04/02/2019 14:16

Is there anyone on here who has had a terrible sleeper and still not co slept ? It seems to be all the ones who have had good sleepers who are slamming those who co sleep.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 04/02/2019 14:17

“Had she have been an awful sleeper I still wouldn't have co slept.”

I’m sorry but you simply cannot know that. I know there are people who persevere with putting their baby the cot despite severe sleep deprivation but unless you have experienced it you have no idea how desperate you might be for your baby to sleep and how dangerous it might become for you not to get some sleep

HerSymphonyAndSong · 04/02/2019 14:19

There are people rosesin who manage to keep going not cosleeping but they are rare and I’m afraid that anyone who hasn’t been in that situation just doesn’t know what they will decide to do

TulipsTulipsTulips · 04/02/2019 14:19

I couldn’t bear the thought of it with DD1 as I was too nervous but I co-slept with DD2 for four months. It was bliss! I was very strict following the guidelines however.

ChristmasArmadillo · 04/02/2019 14:21

I fell asleep standing up holding my newborn and while driving with all of my children in the car before I decided safe cosleeping would be the least dangerous option. Probably saved my life and certainly eliminated my PPD to be able to sleep well. If you sleep with your arm out behind the baby it is impossible to roll on them, and for a breastfed baby sleeping with a nonsmoking non medicated etc mother planned cosleeping lowers the risk of SIDS.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 04/02/2019 14:21

I completely understand that some babies love their cots and some are happy to sleep in cots with a bit of support etc so I don’t get how those with those sorts of babies can’t understand that some babies just won’t. Or do you secretly think we are all lazy and stupid?

TulipsTulipsTulips · 04/02/2019 14:25

@christmasArmadillo

I agree! With DD1 I remember falling asleep during night feeding while sitting up in bed, then waking up in horror as I couldn't find the baby (actually she was in her moses basket but I had no memory of putting her back). I think co-sleeping with DD2 was safer as we had a safe system for night feeds especially and I was not dangerously sleep deprived. I think there are also some interesting studies about the effects of your breathing on baby while co-sleeping.

Firestars · 04/02/2019 14:28

Or do you secretly think we are all lazy and stupid?

Yep. They're far superior Mothers. They did it right.

RangerLady · 04/02/2019 14:29

@rosesin me with dc1. I survived on so little sleep for so long I actually thought I hated my child, packed a bag to run away and considered suicide. Dc is 4 now and I'm still not sure my relationship with them has recovered. We dont seem that close. Oh and i also fell asleep at the wheel anf eoke as i heard branches bashing my car. All this because I didn't want to make a rod for my own back...

DC2 we have coslept following safe guidelines since about 4 months. I am happier and got much more sleep. I start off putting her in her cot and depending on how it goes still bring her in with me. She's 13mo and sometimes sleeps through the night.

53rdWay · 04/02/2019 14:46

Had she have been an awful sleeper I still wouldn't have co slept

My choice with DD1 was not:
a) cosleep
b) baby sleeps in cot

It was this:
a) planned cosleeping
b) unplanned cosleeping, where you fall asleep sitting up with the baby.

I could not physically stay awake and not risk b). I tried and tried and tried, I used to pinch and scratch myself during night feeds so I’d stay awake. But it is not physically possible to function on no sleep at all.

Original poster
Jomaj · 04/02/2019 15:52

My baby wasn't a good sleeper, we weren't just "lucky" it took hard work and lots of sleep deprivation to get her sleeping through. I hate it when people say omg your so lucky to have such a good sleeper, NO I just worked flipping hard to get there without co sleeping. Again would just like to point out that I realise co sleeping is hard work too just not for everyone, it is very rare to have a baby who "just sleeps well"

OP posts:
53rdWay · 04/02/2019 15:56

NO I just worked flipping hard to get there without co sleeping.

And good for you for making it work despite the sleep deprivation. But even though you didn’t have a good sleeper, you did have a baby that would ‘get there’ eventually. Some people have babies that just don’t, no matter how hard you work at it.

Original poster
Jomaj · 04/02/2019 15:59

Maybe that's right I wouldn't know from experience because all of mine eventually slept in their cot. I can't see that there are THAT many babies that just won't sleep no matter what! But it's ok to just want to co sleep isn't it? Does everyone need the excuse of my baby just wouldn't sleep?

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wombatsears · 04/02/2019 16:04

DD (4 months) is a good sleeper but we cosleep anyway as it feels natural for me to need to be close to her. I breastfeed so we both get maximum undisturbed sleep this way. I’m super aware of her breathing as she’s right next to me. So if she suddenly had difficulty breathing I’d notice. Not sure I would if she were in a cot.

I honestly feel that she’s at less risk of SIDS this way than on her own in a cot.

Firestars · 04/02/2019 16:13

My baby wasn't a good sleeper, we weren't just "lucky" it took hard work and lots of sleep deprivation to get her sleeping through. I hate it when people say omg your so lucky to have such a good sleeper, NO I just worked flipping hard to get there without co sleeping.

Yeah. Well this was also you -

After trying many different things with my baby, 3 nights of full on cry it out worked.

Many people agree this is damaging and extremely cruel.

Firestars · 04/02/2019 16:14

So you can quite frankly take your high handed and judgey attitude about what is 'safe' and 'loving' parenting and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Glass houses. Stones. Etc etc.

Original poster
Jomaj · 04/02/2019 16:21

If you Google it there is no hard evidence that it is damaging, it not for everyone I know but I was at my wits end and felt it was safer than rolling onto my child and suffocating her! Lots of detectives in this thread, I thought we weren't judging here. I stand by it, cc worked for us, 3 nights of crying which lasted no longer than 20 minutes! (When my son was little he cried for longer in a car seat on multiple occasions but you can't just pull over on the motorway or let your baby sit without a car seat!) He's fine!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jomaj · 04/02/2019 16:23

I don't know about you but it is hard work to hear your baby cry for any length of time! It was also a last resort after weeks and weeks of sleep deprivation! Still didn't co sleep though as that was my choice! But thanks for judging me in that hypocrite

OP posts:
Yellowcar2 · 04/02/2019 16:27

I guess I'm in between. We slept with all our DC in their own cot that was attached to our bed with one of the sides removed (DH built it). So it was easy to bf and comfort but no worries of rolling over them etc.

Even though my older 2 DC are 2 and 6 I still get no sleep if they are in bed with us as I worry about them.

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