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Original poster

Co sleeping madness

211 replies

Jomaj · 02/02/2019 22:31

Am I the only person who doesn't want to co-sleep with my daughter? I love her so much, I would do anything for her and that includes giving her a SAFE place to sleep. Everyone who I ask advice about sleep says "Oh have you tried co-sleeping?" I cannot sleep with my baby in bed with me, I would feel terrible if myself or my husband were to roll onto her or pull the covers over her head without realising. If she is sleeping in my bed then I am wide awake making sure she's ok so it's more just babe asleep in my bed than co-sleeping. Everyone says "just follow the guidelines" but I'm yet to find guidelines by the NHS, in fact they strongly advise against it!
Is it just me who thinks this way?
Btw I am not against other people co-sleeping if it works for you and it doesn't fill you with anxiety then fair enough I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there like me who just doesnt want to do it?

OP posts:
spugzbunny · 03/02/2019 18:02

I think the key here is that you say your baby sleeps well and always has done.

I also thought cosleep OMG was crazy when I was pregnant. Then I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl who just wanted to breastfeed all night. I was exhausted.

I now feel like a total dick because actuallly safe coalescing is a lot safer than falling asleep sat up in a rocking chair feeding your baby.

Firestars · 03/02/2019 18:05

I now feel like a total dick because actuallly safe coalescing is a lot safer than falling asleep sat up in a rocking chair feeding your baby.

Or going off the road when you're driving because you fall asleep at the wheel.

Or tripping over when your baby is in a front carrier because you're too damn tired to walk properly.

And I'm sure many other people can attest to similar.

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 18:06

Frostymorning13 that is exactly what I'm talking about, I show my baby love in other ways other than having her constantly on me, some people would say to teach independence is being loving!

OP posts:
Flatwhite32 · 03/02/2019 18:09

@Frostymorning13 my 6 month old DD much prefers her cot, and always has done. She hasn't slept on me since she was 4 months old. Does that make me cruel, or mean that I love her less? No it doesn't.

spugzbunny · 03/02/2019 18:09

I think you've totally missed the point. You are confusing attachment parenting and coseeping and that's an entirely different issue. I don't follow attachment parenting. I coslept because it was the right thing to do for me and my baby.

Firestars · 03/02/2019 18:09

Not having your baby close to you is against all decent mothering instincts.

Teaching a BABY independence? Yeahhhhh ok. I'm out op.

Frostymorning13 · 03/02/2019 18:17

Flatwhite32 if your making your baby sleep in a cot then yes being cruel, I've never known a baby to prefer a cold cot over the warmth and love of their mothers arms! Op independence comes when they choose to leave your bed

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 18:20

Firestars my baby is close to me all day, my mothering insticts are fine thankyou

OP posts:
rosesin · 03/02/2019 18:21

I love her so much, I would do anything for her and that includes giving her a SAFE place to sleep.
I think this it what got people's backs up. Well mine abit anyway. It's kind of implying that those who choose to co sleep don't love their baby as much as you do as they are not giving them a "safe" place to sleep.
I sometime co sleep with my LO as tiredness just hits me so hard but posts like this just make me feel guilty like I shouldn't be doing it

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 18:22

Frostymorning13 to each their own, I would rather teach a little bit of independence than wait until my child chooses to leave the bed, that could be 10 years!! Or more!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 18:24

rosesin other people have pointed this out and I do accept that it could be read that way! It is however not what was meant, I was actually saying it because I have been judged on the past and told I don't love my kids because I don't want to co sleep with them

OP posts:
rosesin · 03/02/2019 18:29

Right ok. I haven't RTFT. But just wanted to point it out. I know how frustrating it is to be judged when really we're all just trying to do our best!

Frostymorning13 · 03/02/2019 18:53

Op just seen you formula feed too, you seem very distant from your kid tbh if it takes 10 years of feeling secure for them to opt to leave the bed then so be it

Raspberry88 · 03/02/2019 18:55

I would rather teach a little bit of independence than wait until my child chooses to leave the bed, that could be 10 years!! Or more!!

OP, you insist you aren't being judgemental then say things like this! It's so rude. So what if some families share a bed until 10. Why do you care? In some cultures that's completely normal and in some it's not. If your baby is happy in a cot then that's wonderful... lots of babies are and lots aren't and may prefer to cosleep. Babies are all different and parents are all different. One thing though, you can't teach independence...it's something that children come to when they're developmentally ready. A child who still shares a bed with its parents can still be independent, it doesn't hinder that at all.

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 19:06

Frostymorning13 yes I bottle feed her from a distance

OP posts:
Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 19:09

Raspberry88 I taught both my older children independent sleep when they were younger and both are extremely and happily independent now! I'm not judging others for not doing the same, simply stating that i would rather not have a 10 year old in my bed

OP posts:
Raspberry88 · 03/02/2019 19:22

Independent sleep isn't the same as independence. I'm really pleased that you managed to 'teach' independent sleep but I'm sure you've read plenty of threads here and seen that it's just not possible for many babies before they're ready. I'm sure your children are happily independent, that's not my point. My point is that cosleeping would not have hindered them becoming independent.

Mads123 · 03/02/2019 19:25

Sorry if this has been asked and answered but what do you do if you have big boobs?
As I find I have to hold my breast while feeding to ensure it doesn't cover nose as well, so don't feel safe co sleeping because feeding lying down would definitely cause me to sleep.

CoastalLife · 03/02/2019 19:59

I am not a liar and don't very much like being called one

Ah you’re one of those people. You're a “snowflake" (again, your word) when it comes to your own feelings but just unconcerned with how your words might affect other mums with young babies. I didn't pick on one minor slip up in your OP, by the way. It's not a case of your words being read incorrectly. It's quite clear from the bulk of your comments that you are saying co-sleeping is unsafe and mothers who do this are willingly endangering their children. It's odd that you're backtracking when you obviously feel so strongly that you are correct.

I would rather teach a little bit of independence

Another misconception. Co-sleeping has been found to foster confidence and autonomy in children, despite the myths that it makes them clingy/needy/overly dependent. That's not to say that a child who sleeps in a cot won't also turn out to be perfectly confident, but it's not correct to say that co-sleeping hinders independence.

spugzbunny · 03/02/2019 20:00

I have biggish boobs .. so found that I had to hold it slightly when she was small. I would only ever sort of snooze while she was latched anyway. Once she got bigger I didn't need to as she would roll away when she was done and roll back and help herself when she wanted more. Strangely I've only ever been able to feed lying down on one side!

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 20:04

Coastallife can't please everyone all the time I suppose, expressing opinion is not the same as saying others shouldn't do it, yes I did get upset by being accused of lying about my older kids, maybe I am a snowflake too, thankyou for pointing that out!

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 03/02/2019 20:06

I co slept with all of mine. Safely. No covers for me, baby wore sleeping bag and I wore fleece pj's. We are the only species on the planet that expects their young to sleep apart from them.

catkind · 03/02/2019 20:09

Are you sure mads? Baby can't work out a position to feed comfortably with you lying down? I'd have thought the way their little noses turn up they'd be fine whatever shape you are so I can't exactly picture the issue; but if it wasn't working I'd sit up to feed then settle down when done. Whether you still find cosleeping helps when doing that or not will depend on you and baby.

You don't have to commit to cosleeping for life OP! You seem to have got some odd ideas about it and yes do actually sound quite judgemental now. It's like bf really, it's only if and while it works for both parent and child. The older they get the easier they are to negotiate with! We had DS cosleeping till around 6 and DD around 3, then we moved to a bigger place and made a big deal of new bedrooms and they were excited about having bunk beds. So combination of own choice and parental nudge really. DD liked help to settle herself at first but it was maybe 10 minutes singing and chatting to her and she'd tell me to go away now. They'll still come in with me occasionally for a treat, rather sweet really when they are all big and independent.

No obvious impact on independence. Both were happy to go to sleepovers and sleep on their own there even when still cosleeping at home.

DD who was my from birth cosleeper was a very independent little thing, trotted off to childminder then preschool then school without a backward glance.

DS only coslept from 1, after spending a year trying to teach him independent sleep we decided that actually just sleep would be nice. Everyone was happier for it. He was clingy as a toddler though. I wonder if the year of trying to persuade him to stay in a cot away from us was connected to that, but who can say, maybe it's just personalities.

Mads123 · 03/02/2019 20:18

Thanks @spugzbunny I might try the co sleeping when he's older, he's only 15 weeks so not a good roller yet 😁. I did try feeding lying down but found it hard work not sure why, currently feed him cross legged with him lying in the dip as I find holding him with big saggy boobs doesn't work Blush. Then move him very gently to the sidesleeper.

m0therofdragons · 03/02/2019 20:23

I think it's very personal and as with all parenting you do what works for you.

My twin sister died of cot death when we were 13 weeks old. She was in her own cot. We followed all the guidelines and for me, a baby sleeping with the parents is a very natural thing to do. We slept with no pillows and followed all the guidance. Dh and I don't really drink (more now dc are older) and it worked for us. I wouldn't judge others though.

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