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Original poster

Co sleeping madness

211 replies

Jomaj · 02/02/2019 22:31

Am I the only person who doesn't want to co-sleep with my daughter? I love her so much, I would do anything for her and that includes giving her a SAFE place to sleep. Everyone who I ask advice about sleep says "Oh have you tried co-sleeping?" I cannot sleep with my baby in bed with me, I would feel terrible if myself or my husband were to roll onto her or pull the covers over her head without realising. If she is sleeping in my bed then I am wide awake making sure she's ok so it's more just babe asleep in my bed than co-sleeping. Everyone says "just follow the guidelines" but I'm yet to find guidelines by the NHS, in fact they strongly advise against it!
Is it just me who thinks this way?
Btw I am not against other people co-sleeping if it works for you and it doesn't fill you with anxiety then fair enough I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there like me who just doesnt want to do it?

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 03/02/2019 15:04

I agree with you OP I have never slept with any of my babies.....The advice when I had my first was not to....very sensible advice in my opinion.

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 15:06

Firestars but that is the norm for people judging others who don't want to co sleep? It's funny how you say I'm being goady and superior yet I don't feel superior when I get judged for judging??? Perhaps I'm confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 15:08

HerSymphonyAndSong thankyou for your blessing?

OP posts:
DippyAvocado · 03/02/2019 15:09

I didn't want to do it with DC1. I survived on very little sleep, but I did manage to catch up a bit during some of her daytime naps. I also quickly resorted to formula feeding at night as she took so long to breastfeed. This turned out to be a bit of a pian as she later turned out to have CMPI.

DC2 would not be put down without crying (believe me, I persisted). I also was very keen to breastfeed. I had 2 year old DC1 so no chance of catching up on missed sleep during daytime naps. DC2 fed very regularly during the night and I just couldn't manage without sleep. I found myself several times having fallen asleep sitting up while feeding her. I ended up thinking it was better to look up the guidelines for the safest co-sleeping rather than just letting it happen by accident.

It was the best decision for us - we both slept much better.

I don't know what the answer is when a baby will not go to sleep in their crib/basket. I tried,

DippyAvocado · 03/02/2019 15:10

sorry, posted too soon.

I followed all the advice given to get her to sleep by herself, but it is physically impossible to manage on no sleep at all.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 03/02/2019 15:12

I know plenty of people plan to cosleep/bedshare, and that’s great for them

For lots of others who do it, like me, it was the ONLY way to get through a period of time with a baby who needed physical closeness beyond a bedside crib (believe me, we tried, it was as close as sharing the bed but he still wanted to share my sleeping surface!)

Anyone who had a baby who, with some encouragement, was happy to sleep in a Moses basket or bedside crib will probably find this baffling. I had a lot of well-meaning “why don’t you just...” and “have you tried shushing and patting” and swaddling suggestions from those people. They really meant to help, but my baby wasn’t having any of it.

I was really quite anxious about cosleeping the first time I tried - but because of that I made sure that the risks were as minimised as possible. And I will admit that I didn’t love it. I still have to do it when he is teething or particularly wakeful. I am completely sympathetic to anyone who says that they cannot countenance the idea of bedsharing with their baby at all - I get it, it’s not always blissful mummy and baby drifting in and out of sleep together. Sometimes it is like being mauled by a ravenous lioncub. And I wake up stiff and tired (though less tired than when I had to hold him all night or get up every five minutes for hours on end)

But when it is the choice between that and risking a newborn suffocating or rolling from my arms on the sofa, then what choice did I have really? And then having people sneering and implying that you are endangering your child when what you have been trying to do is to protect them from greater risks? It’s pretty galling

Firestars · 03/02/2019 15:12

but that is the norm for people judging others who don't want to co sleep?

I mind my own business and don't make goady threads. Hmm

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 15:13

Firestars you don't mind your own business enough not to send a rude reply to something you don't agree with though!

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 03/02/2019 15:15

Even now I can feel some people reading this and thinking that I clearly didn’t try hard enough to get him to sleep in his own cot (he did, gradually, but he needed some time before he was ready). Fortunately I know I did what I had to and went at his pace.

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 15:16

I would just like to clarify to all readers if this post, I was mainly looking for some solidarity as I've posted before for advice and been told I'm unloving for not wanting to bed share with my child because I consider it dangerous! Not everyone considers it dangerous and some people enjoy it, I do not care what those people do with their children and like I stated in my original post to each their own!

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 03/02/2019 15:16

Come on OP give it a rest. You’re on the windup, but hopefully some people will read this and understand why some people do, and some people don’t, bedshare with babies

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 15:19

HerSymphonyAndSong I feel like your just trying to wind me up!

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 03/02/2019 15:21

Really? I have carefully described what was a very difficult situation for me and that’s what you’re taking from it?

NicoleNoPants · 03/02/2019 15:23

Maybe you didn’t mean to be goady OP but you described a perfectly valid parent choice as “madness” and wrote “I love her so much” and “keep her SAFE” implying mothers who do co-sleep are not interested in keeping their children safe and do not love them as you love yours.
Now, I would die a thousand for my DC and would never, ever put them in danger. As I’m sure you would so why draw up dividing lines?

DippyAvocado · 03/02/2019 15:24

it’s very easy to say “I won’t do it” just look at the recent thread about what rule people set before they had children but the reality is often very different.

This is so true! Also, you cannot make a comment on someone else's choice if you haven't experienced a baby that won't sleep. It's like all the people whose kids eat anything making unhelpful comments about how to make your fussy eater eat - I have one fussy and non-fiction eater so know that's the luck of the draw just like sleeping!

DippyAvocado · 03/02/2019 15:24

non-fussy

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 15:25

HerSymphonyAndSong you no full well that u am referring to the multiple rude messages you sent before that

OP posts:
Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 15:32

NicoleNoPants while I except that may be how it came across it was not what was intended, I wrote those things because on other threads I have been accused of not loving my children as much because I don't want to co sleep

OP posts:
53rdWay · 03/02/2019 15:33

on other threads I have been accused of not loving my children as much because I don't want to co sleep

Ouch. Where was this, AIBU?

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 15:36

53rdWay yes it was

OP posts:
NicoleNoPants · 03/02/2019 15:37

I think OP your problem is your getting the same advice- which I want helpful I. Your own situation- over and over. I had the same problem with morning sickness when people kept suggesting ginger over and over. I do understand your frustration!

NicoleNoPants · 03/02/2019 15:38
  • isn’t helpful in your own situation
Firestars · 03/02/2019 15:38

1-2-3 backtrack. Hmm

53rdWay · 03/02/2019 15:46

Hmm. MN is not usually massively in favour of co-sleeping or in telling mothers that they don’t love their children if they don’t do it, so that surprises me to hear. There’s always a few arseholes that will pop up anywhere though.

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 03/02/2019 15:46

For me it was so much safer to co-sleep properly, with intent and therefore following the guidelines. Before I started I would be getting up and down through the night to lift him in and out of a cot which made me extraordinarily tired during the day to the point where I would nearly fall asleep with him on the sofa! Obviously that would have been very dangerous. In fact the co-sleeping stats regarding deaths attributable to are skewed as they include sleeping on a sofa, which most of the deaths are from. That and falling asleep unintentionally in bed whilst feeding and not being properly set up for safe co-sleeping. I was so scared to fall asleep while feeding him on the sofa that I had to start getting better nights sleep. The only way to do that was to safely co-sleep (no duvets but cellular blankets tucked in to the foot of the bed and only reaching to my waist so I'd wear a jumper, not next to my husband, I breastfed, didn't smoke or drink etc, baby tucked under my arm so away from pillow and curled around him so I couldn't roll that way)

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