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Original poster

Co sleeping madness

211 replies

Jomaj · 02/02/2019 22:31

Am I the only person who doesn't want to co-sleep with my daughter? I love her so much, I would do anything for her and that includes giving her a SAFE place to sleep. Everyone who I ask advice about sleep says "Oh have you tried co-sleeping?" I cannot sleep with my baby in bed with me, I would feel terrible if myself or my husband were to roll onto her or pull the covers over her head without realising. If she is sleeping in my bed then I am wide awake making sure she's ok so it's more just babe asleep in my bed than co-sleeping. Everyone says "just follow the guidelines" but I'm yet to find guidelines by the NHS, in fact they strongly advise against it!
Is it just me who thinks this way?
Btw I am not against other people co-sleeping if it works for you and it doesn't fill you with anxiety then fair enough I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there like me who just doesnt want to do it?

OP posts:
CoastalLife · 03/02/2019 20:24

@Jomaj of course you are entitled to your opinion and of course people won't always agree. It would be strange if we did. This forum is full of wonderful people who share advice, information, experiences and offer support and solidarity. It's extremely difficult to engage in a conversation like that with someone who is accusatory and judgemental. Nobody on this thread (with the exception of one poster) has been critical of your choice not to co-sleep. There's just no need for the combativeness.

You've become defensive now, but I'm just asking you to consider the way you are presenting this issue and the fact that mothers of young babies who are in the clutches of sleep deprivation and considering co-sleeping may well stumble upon this thread and read what you're saying. Can you imagine how that might feel?

I love her so much, I would do anything for her and that includes giving her a SAFE place to sleep

some people don't want to endanger their child by co sleeping

I consider it dangerous

Just think about what you are saying about other mothers, that's all I'm asking.

spugzbunny · 03/02/2019 20:29

@Mads123 it definitely gets easier as they get bigger. Mine could never feed lying on me as my boobs point to my armpits when I'm on my back and she couldn't get comfyZ now she's bigger she'll feed in any position as she can control her own position if you know what I mean?

HerSymphonyAndSong · 03/02/2019 20:49

Cosleeping is hardly a newfangled thing. And even for the “in my day” people with older or adult children... my mum did it with my youngest sibling (now 27yo) because... he wasn’t a great sleeper and it was the only way she could manage it! Surprise! She didn’t do it with any of the rest of us because we were pretty good sleepers from birth.

Anyone who says “I don’t know why you would make that rod for your own back” or similar must have had a good enough sleeper such that they don’t understand that you simply don’t have the reserves for anything else at that point. And my son has slowly increased the amount of time he sleeps in the cot vs with me at his own pace.

And mum says that at the time that she was bringing up babies she knew of other friends who coslept when it was necessary just to get themselves the sleep they needed at the time. Back then there wasn’t the wealth of advice about how to minimise the risks, but people still did it

Tinyteatime · 03/02/2019 20:51

I didn’t want to with my 1st. She was preterm and small and As a ftm I obviously wanted to follow all the guidelines. I sometimes bed shared with her when she was older and bigger. I quite often co sleep with dc2 when he wakes. I think most mums who are breastfeeding co sleep at some point. I’ve never met one who hasn’t. There’s no doubt in my mind that co sleeping whilst breastfeeding is the biological norm. It just doesn’t make sense to have your baby away from you. Everyone weighs up pros/cons and risks and decides what works for them and which risks they are willing to take I guess. Don’t forget op that formula feeding statistically carries extra ‘risks’ too, but that doesn’t stop some people from choosing it over b/feeding.

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 21:01

CoastalLife
I have explained myself so many times in this thread, I cannot change the way the post was written but my intentions were not how you have perceived them, I don't know what else to say on this matter, some people would and do co sleep and I don't and wouldn't, no matter what, when my baby was younger she went through phases of waking every 50 minutes, and when she was new born she hardly slept at all because I didnt know what i was doing with her, it was a tough time annd i felt like i shouldnt of had my own baby as i clearly wasnt cut out for newborns, I was on my knees but stuck to my guns about co sleeping. Again I did that but not everyone would. I have got defensive because you are so contradictory with your replies, you claim everyone is entitled to their opinion but then accuse me of judging and putting parents off of co sleeping. I was hoping if anyone did find this thread they would have views from both sides of the argument and make a decision as an adult about what to do with their child

OP posts:
CoastalLife · 03/02/2019 21:48

Not contradictory at all, Jomaj. It's completely possible to have an opinion without judging people who don't share it. The majority of others on this thread have managed it.

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 21:51

As have I coastallife

OP posts:
CoastalLife · 03/02/2019 22:06

Telling people that they are endangering their children and failing to keep them safe by not doing things the same way as you IS judging. These are literally your own words. I'm out. Zero point being involved in a discussion with someone who is going to deny what they've written in black and white. Madness indeed! Grin

Original poster
Jomaj · 03/02/2019 22:10

Coastallife how is that not my opinion, it's my opinion that it's not safe it's my choice not to do it, nowhere have I said others shouldn't! Enjoy your gin

OP posts:
BlackType · 03/02/2019 22:11

@Jomaj Mine are now late teens. Fine for whoever wants to co-sleep - but I used to wake up pretty much daily in an absolute panic that my babies had suffocated in bed with me. And I wasn't even co-sleeping with them We had them in a cot in our bedroom when they were very small, but not in bed with us, Plus we had one who was a terrible snorer and kept everyone else awake, so we moved her basket into the bathroom, on the grounds that she would still be audible as she was so loud.

Runbikeswim · 03/02/2019 22:13

I co slept with both of mine. Futon, them on the wall side, grow bag for them, separate covers for me. No problem

Runbikeswim · 03/02/2019 22:14

And I don't drink alcohol or smoke of course.

flamingofridays · 03/02/2019 22:14

Youre not the only one. I never did it. Never wanted to and even if ds (now 2) gets in my bed say 5am (v rare thankfully!) i sleep awfully. Absolutely hate it.

As much as people say its safe (and it clearly is and works well for others!) I just cannot settle.

We didnt sleep train but we always pur ds to bed on his own after 6 months old. He's used to it. He sometimes cries to get in our bed early morning but not often.

Runbikeswim · 03/02/2019 22:21

I only did it till they were about 9 months though I seem to remember. Them own room own cot. Both have always been good sleepers since, I did it because I was breastfeeding feeding and cba to get out of bed twice a night or whatever because I was working so they just breastfed in bed whenever they wanted.

gnushoes · 03/02/2019 23:23

Co slept with all of mine as they were shocking sleepers and it was the only way to get any rest. They still didn't sleep wonderfully but it helped and they felt safe and secure. Hard mattress, bed guard, very light duvet (not for them) and no pillow. Did the C shape thing without knowing it was a thing (youngest in mid teens now, eldest early 20s). And they all moved on to their own beds at the age of 2 or 3 OP, though returned if ill or having nightmares.
Many cultures co sleep.
Rather horrified by the tone of the OP and subsequent comments. And independence? In a baby? Good grief.

Lunaij · 03/02/2019 23:42

Co sleeping is safe and normal for breastfeeding mothers. I think you are right to be cautious as a formula feeder as your sleeping patterns will be somewhat different.

Everyone is just getting on doing whatever works for them as a family.

I chose from the outset to cl sleep and ds has never spent a night in his cot. I’m happy with that and confident he has been as safe as he would be in a cot in my room.

Original poster
Jomaj · 04/02/2019 07:17

Gnushoes good for you that you co slept and it worked out although you say your children still aren't great sleepers and they are in their teens? That could be because they never learnt how to independently go to sleep? I'm not saying it is I'm saying it could be? Equally it could be something else or indeed nothing else and just how your kids are. However it's a bit judgy of you saying I shouldn't be teaching my baby independence, i thought we were all just mum's doing our own thing and what we think is best? It's not like my 5 month old has a job and pays bills she just does independent sleep, is that really an issue?

OP posts:
Lovingit81 · 04/02/2019 07:32

Everyone is different OP you only need to concentrate on your baby and your choices. It is absolutely fine to not want to sleep with your baby.

But be sure it is safe when done properly. My midwife actually told me that most midwives approve of it but they can't say that for fear of women not adhering to the guidelines. For example if you are taking medication, formula feeding, overweight etc. The evidence is on the Internet...you just need to search a bit further than the NHS or the Lullaby Trust. Enjoy your baby and sod everyone else Smile

Raspberry88 · 04/02/2019 07:48

However it's a bit judgy of you saying I shouldn't be teaching my baby independence, i thought we were all just mum's doing our own thing and what we think is best?

Oh for goodness sake OP...that's not what she's saying. Just the same as the rest of us which is that you can't teach independence and independent sleep has nothing to do with independence. Also read properly, gnushoes said that they didn't sleep well, not that they still don't. Don't give it out if you can't take it! If you can't read your posts back and see that it's been you that's been the judgy one then I give up.

thatsmyspace · 04/02/2019 07:57

I didn't do it for any of mine. Because I know someone who rolled on their baby 😢

Original poster
Jomaj · 04/02/2019 08:13

Aplogese gnushoes, raspberry88 is right I misread your post, it's early! Lol as for you raspberry88 I'm glad to hear your giving up on judging me just as much as you feel I've been judgy

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 04/02/2019 08:20

Op I'm with you

Never co slept

Terrifies me, I'm so shocked how many parents actually do.

Dc has always been a fantastic sleeper and had a great bedtime routine.

ChipsAreLife · 04/02/2019 08:27

I expect most parents don't want to cosleep but for many it's the only way their babies will sleep. If yours doesn't want to sleep with you then why would you force it?!

Cosleeping saved my life. Was the only way I could get a few hours sleep with DD1 who barely slept. If you do it correctly it is very safe.

When I had DD2 I was still in hospital and had her in with me as I slept (post c section so harder to get her out of the cot) got told off by the nurse who told me that we couldn't do it as a few babies had died recently in the area due to 'cosleeping' I read into it and one was father who fell asleep feeding a baby on the couch and another the parents had been drinking. I was pretty cross she was terrifying me against doing something safe when carried out properly.

But again if my babies slept on their own I'd be thrilled! But they're all different and shouldn't be compared. Just do what's right for you and ignore others

Hazlenutpie · 04/02/2019 08:38

lovingit81

The evidence is on the Internet...you just need to search a bit further than the NHS or the Lullaby Trust

Bad advice. You can find evidence on the Internet to prove anything!

Lunaij · 04/02/2019 08:43

Japan has the highest rate of recorded co sleeping and the lowest recorded sids deaths.

Done correctly, co sleeping is safe.