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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

MNHQ

TDWP and recent goings-on

496 replies

RowanMumsnet · 30/01/2014 13:55

Hello

We thought it would be useful to explain our understanding of what occurred last week between Zombie, Footsteps/TDWP, Rhubarb etc to try to clear up any misunderstandings.

When the situation started to develop last week, we absolutely did not know that Footsteps was TDWP. We unearthed something to suggest that she was near midnight on the night that everything was kicking off. At that point, one MNer was waiting in a public place to meet up with her, and we had been told by Zombie and by Nom that the police were aware of the rendezvous details and were standing by to help if anything went wrong.

We could see from some PMs flying around that posters were saying that the crime reference number checked out, and that the refuge had confirmed they had a space for her, so at this point we thought the best course was to keep channels of communication open. So we didn't ban Footsteps again at that point, despite having realised who she was. We did re-ban her once things had settled down and we had been told she was in a safe place. Given past history, TDWP is not a poster we would consider allowing back to Mumsnet permanently.

At various points throughout the evening we were in phone or text contact with Zombie and with Rhubarb, mostly trying to establish (as far as we could) what was going on and whether people were behaving safely. FWIW, we thought at the time - and still do - that it was a hugely risky thing to do, and not something we would advise or encourage. We would never recommend that any MNer goes into a situation like this, particularly not on her own. As most of you will know, we remind posters regularly that not everyone on the internet is who and what they say they are. We're pulling together some content on internet safety for adults and hope to publish that soon.

We asked Rhubarb at the time (before we had conclusive evidence about Footsteps's identity) whether she thought the person Zombie was meeting was a previously banned poster, and she said that she had no reason to think it was.

Pretty much everything else took place off-board and via channels that we have no access to - so beyond this account we aren't able to say with certainty what has gone on.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 31/01/2014 07:59

Rhubarb isn't 'taking a pounding' at all! How over dramatic.

She was foolish, zombie more so. People are amazed at the sheer stupidity. And they are saying so.

ProfessorSkullyMental · 31/01/2014 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExcuseTypos · 31/01/2014 08:04

Joules, Rhubarb has been accused of lying about several things, over and over again.

I'd call that a pounding.

ExcuseTypos · 31/01/2014 08:04

Can I ask what she should apologise for and to whom?

DrNick · 31/01/2014 08:06

Did anyone say how the phone call to the a abuser went?

Was it def the h?

Amrapaali · 31/01/2014 08:12

Zombie is keeping quiet, she has explained what happened, Rhubarb has left and Nom, I am sure, is tired of getting involved and rues the day she ever decided to get involved.

Now can we all just leave it at that. These calls for apologies and grovelling has to stop. It's too sanctimonious to ask for some personal apology on a forum, when the only people affected were the people who actually found themselves in the situation. So whom does Rhubarb have to apologise to? Fall on her knees before all of MN?

As for Foot/Primark/Whatserface, i am pretty sure she is still happily going around posting more dramatic shit. I remember seeing a bereavement thread in Chat last night which had even the same phrases she used previously. That is what this whole saga has done-made us all cynical. Now I am seeing bogeymen around every corner. Sad

I hope that thread was genuine, can't see it this morning though....

MadIsTheNewNormal · 31/01/2014 08:28

Frankly,the whole event was histrionic and I think two parties involved liked the drama

That pretty much sums it up and I think we should stop now. It's getting boring.

Quinteszilla · 31/01/2014 09:28

I stand by what I said last night.

Rhubs may have been foolish, or naive, or kind hearted to offer her home as a refuge to a person fleeing violence. Zombie too in going to her rescue, but I am suspending judgement on that.

But neither Zombie nor Rhubarb have accused others of lying, of deliberately putting people in danger, and egging people on to take risk. That they are not guilty of. That is entirely at the hands of some posters here. And those are actions that make me "spit my dummy out", to paraphrase a normally very level-headed poster.

I honestly dont know what is worse. Actually, thats not true. Whipping up a frenzy of accusations, refusing to listen but go on and on about a perceived "fact" that turns out to not be true, is worse.

I think it is pretty clear in what direction the apologies should go, if any are due.

But one thing is sure, the villain in this saga is now gleefully rubbing her hands, reading this, knowing how almighty and powerful she is, that she can cook up such a storm in a teacup on a website, and manipulate events like this. It is like the War of the Roses. We've been played. And that leaves a bitter after taste.

Ledkr · 31/01/2014 09:40

Why is everyone so frothy about this? The posters in question are presumably adult females who can make their own decisions and only out themselves at risk (maybe) and not anyone else.

As quint. Says the villain is getting far too much glee from this.

ExcuseTypos · 31/01/2014 09:45

Well said Quint

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/01/2014 09:53

Quint
Your last para nails it. Do we really want to give TDWP the satisfaction. She is the only winner from all this fallout.

Absy · 31/01/2014 10:01

I agree with Ledkr. All involved are adults and responsible for their actions, whether good or bad.

The only issue IMO is around potentially discouraging people from seeking help from a women's shelter, given some of the inadequacies alleged on the threads. But those threads are gone now. And there are tons TONS of threads on MN about how to properly escape from a DV situation and who to contact.

conquistador · 31/01/2014 10:26

yy Quint

LEMmingaround · 31/01/2014 10:26

So is TDWP a troll then? Was she not fleeing her ex? even if she is niave enough to go back to him (sadly many victims of DV do do this, even after being "rescued").

I agree with you quint about this playing into her hands, but she must have some serious issues if this is how she plays out her life - I do feel angry on Zombies, Rhubarb and anyone else who was involved parts but i feel a bit sorry or TDWP, she must be quite unwell - i hope she gets the help she needs (probably psychiatric help by the sounds of it).

I do think its so very sad that this has turned into accusations against women who helped. Yes it probably wasn't the wisest of decisions, but they are grown women, able to make those decisions and whatever anyone says - it was done with kind intention. Yet those people have been villified probably more than TDWP has :(

Do you not think its time this was laid to rest - these threads deleted and TDWP becomes folklore, just like mitmoo (who's name i see occasionally, but haven't a clue why she was so bad - if anyone knows, please PM me :) ) Everyone involved has got the picture, this is real life, obviously, but it isn't our reality to pour over like a post war briefing.

scottishmummy · 31/01/2014 10:33

I think both tdwp and zombie got something from this.clearly as both heavy involved
But it wasn't two anonymous adults,enacting a drama.it impacted in real life
Mnhq had to intervene,people wanted police and other services to be contacted.
Hysterical posts from zombies pal SHOUTING and boldly telling others if zombie came to harm it would be their fault

They both acted out a v strange dynamic.reckless and risky

LEMmingaround · 31/01/2014 10:38

But what difference does it make to you scottishmummy - apart from providing some entertaining late night reading. I assume no one actually has to read/participate in threads on here? I should imagine it was better than watching eastenders for some folk. I missed the comings and goings of everything, and i am sure i would have been concerned for all involved and worried that it turned out ok,, but it would have had no impact on my life at all. So i can't understand the pearl clutching really.

Yes it was shit that Zombie got "played" (if she did) but she still did a good thing.

Shufty · 31/01/2014 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 31/01/2014 10:45

How v existential I could equally ask what difference it makes to you.Why are you posting?
you've said you missed parts of the thread.i didn't.i read it
Read mnhq posts,they had to contact posters in real life to risk assess situation

Zombie was reckless,and gun ho.it wasn't good

EirikurNoromaour · 31/01/2014 11:04

She did a good thing?
Let's think about what she achieved. She drove 100s of miles to collect a woman and spend the night in a hotel with her. She then drove her to a neutral spot to meet the refuge worker.
Despite the fact that the husband was not in the house.
Despite the fact that the woman had already arranged the refuge place herself.
Despite the fact that the woman had a relative with a car and the means to travel to and fund a hotel herself.
Zombie drove miles to keep a stranger company overnight. Do you really think that was a good and necessary thing to do? Do you think it was worth the risk, expense and inconvenience to zombie? I don't. I think zombie achieved very little at great actual and potential cost and it was an utterly foolish, rescuer complex thing to do.

Quinteszilla · 31/01/2014 11:06

But it was Zombies decision to do so.

I am sure these kinds of scenarios happens all the time, we put ourselves out for others, though it may turn out to not be necessary strictly speaking.

The only difference here is that a couple of hundred other internet sprites were whipping up a frenzied worry.

scottishmummy · 31/01/2014 11:09

Are you including mnhq in the internet sprite descrtipn?they had to act in real life
Zombie and tdwp their actions impacted upon mnhq
I think both zombie and tdwp liked the adrenalin rush and drama,the online frisson

Quinteszilla · 31/01/2014 11:11

Not including mnhq in the sprite description no, because they were not part in any frenzy on any threads.

LEMmingaround · 31/01/2014 11:15

Had you been talking about another poster scottishmummy, i would tend to agree with you, but Zombie doesn't come across that way. She really doesn't.

Erik - It depends on your definition of good, yes it turned out that she probably needn't have done what she did, and that she was foolish to do so, i have already acknowledged that, but her motivation was good. Totally altruistic? Who is? So she did a good intentioned thing. A kind thing. Yes, im sure she felt good,excited and thrilled about helping, i am not sure altruism really exists.

scottishmummy · 31/01/2014 11:15

They were involved,they had to real life obtain numbers and call posters
The sprites as you put it were zombie,tdwp. Both het up by online drama

Hullygully · 31/01/2014 11:15

cooks and broth

dear lord