Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

I agree. A forum for support and mainly a forum for coping strategies is a fantastic idea.

A simple one for me is the gym. Don't fall into unhealthy coping strategies and focus that frustration on picking heavy things up and putting them back down hahaha

Ha, so relatable @RollWithItUK

i am a big gym user, CrossFit and HYROX certainly helps me burn off frustration

@Aishabibi but I do feel your pain with the frustration of trying so hard to explore new avenues and getting nothing back. It's a mutual experience here. Plenty of purchases on my part sadly yield nothing in the past. Sometimes it just isn't that person's cup of tea and that's why the gym became my new outlet

maybe i need to join the gym too. been over 8 years since we had sex after our last child. shes just not intrested.

@mbZombie that's rough. Firstly have you spoken to your partner about it? Secondly I would highly recommend the gym. It's by no means a solution but it can be a distraction.

It can be difficult when your partner shows no interest. It can really impact your self esteem and self image. Another thing that the gym can alleviate.

This links interestingly with another thread I just came off about open relationships. A few readers commented on how much more common it seems to have become for people with low / no sex drive to agree to their spouse finding a lover. This was the solution in your case, as it was for me and my DH.

I suspect it's become more common because the Internet has normalised the scenario or even made it attractive for men who lose interest in intercourse with their spouses. In a pre-Internet era such arrangements existed but they were so taboo, no one talked about them. Now look at us, openly discussing them in public forums. Think how many men will read these threads and think "mmmh... could I share my wife, could this be the solution to our little problem?"

Two men in the other thread even commented on the relief they felt when the arrangement was put in place and they no longer felt the weight of responsibility for their wives' sexual gratification. In such cases, it seems to me everyone's a winner, so unless people attach value to monogamy for religious reasons (we don't) to me it seems a very good solution in cases where libido is totally different between partners. Why throw away a whole marriage because of low libido? Why spend thousands on counselling and sexy lingerie, why spend hours reading books on Tantric sex? In most cases all those things probably don't work anyway.

I'm not saying opening up is for everyone and it certainly shouldn't be pushed on unwilling partners. But at the very least it should be an option that couples can discuss, along with other more traditional ones. When my DH and I went through sex counselling, it wasn't mentioned once by our therapist. Why? We spent months taking showers together, doing sensual massages with essential oils and scented candles. It never fixed anything. Then he developed a cuckold kink by watching porn, we went down that route (which initially I was totally against because of the stigma and my own misguided fears) and we're now happier than we've ever been. Just wish we'd done it much earlier. I feel like I wasted so many years, when my body was younger, stronger and more attractive, with little or no sex (and what sex we did have was pretty awful). Now I'm trying to make up for lost time.

Thank god opening up is becoming a more widely acceptable solution, long my that continue. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, to me it's a no brainer.

@JaneM86 I remember watching a tv programme that centred around the theme of open marriages some years ago. It was alien to me at the time, couldn’t imagine I’d be in that situation.

Then he developed a cuckold kink by watching porn

He had zero sex drive but watched porn and got off on you with other guys? That makes no sense, sounds like an exceptionally high sex drive to me with you as a focus.

The Louis Theroux one? We watched it too, and same here, we never though we'd be in that situation a few years later.

NCForThatForumM

Actually that's kinda what the therapist said to us when we were having counselling. He said DH hasn't got low libido, in fact he's preoccupied with sex almost obsessively. He tried to help us refocus that sexual energy towards a "healthy sexual relationship", i.e. physical contact between us eventually leading to intercourse. We really tried but failed miserably. Then I guess hubby channelled that energy towards the cuckold kink. He has a lot of issues with insecurity, but I'm not going to go into all that. The point is, he seems to be happy with where things are right now, and so am I.

Commented previously on posts about this how common it seems to be for both women and us men. It would be interesting to discuss coping strategies etc rather than just the usual have you tried counselling, is it menopausal etc stuff,that while obviously useful doesn’t really help with the day to day, month to month reality of little or no sex

For me personally, my coping strategies were a combination of masturbation, physical exercise (to the point of exhaustion, or it would only make things worse) and keeping myself distracted however I could. But nothing ever filled that void. The worst part wasn't even the physical thing, otherwise masturbation theoretically would have been enough to scratch that itch. I missed feeling wanted, my self confidence was badly affected and consequently my mental health. I'm so much more confident within myself now, empowered even.

Yes indeed!

I'm out the other side now, but always willing to offer any support I can to those still in the situation.

its amazing how common this is. No different from us, and my husband recognises it too. Need to enjoy it while we are young enough!

I had always believed that a sexless marriage would be due to a lack of desire shown by the female partner. However, this forum has shown me that it can be the male partner who completely loses interest in sex, which has been a real eye opener for me.
How important is it to be in a relationship where our libido is matched and how many issues does it cause when this is not the case?
None of us would knowingly enter into a relationship knowing it would become sexless, but did we miss the signs early on? For me, the.lack of instigation, willingness to talk about sex or even masturbate were flags I should have paid attention to

I solved this problem after many years. I divorced her.

About a third of men in their mid 40s and older have male hypogonadism (low testosterone). In addition to loss of libido, it makes them prone to irritability, depression and fatigue. It also increases their risk of cardiovascular disease.

I went through this with my DH. Fortunately, he proactively sought diagnosis and treatment and has been fine since starting hormone replacement therapy. I actually wish he’d slow down a bit, but he’s healthy and happy now.

Yes and unfortunately that's how many of these sexless marriages end.
I must admit when I was at my lowest in my own sexless marriage, I considered the divorce option, along with cheating. I think if DH hadn't willingly opened things up, I'd have probably gone for the latter, and maybe eventually the former.
My lover isn't just some random guy. He's a mutual friend we've known for years and with whom I've always felt a strong chemistry. Before this whole cuckold thing, he'd made it clear to me on a few occasions that he was attracted to me, and we once briefly snogged while drunk (DH doesn't know that).
I had fantasies of cheating on hubby with this guy and even divorcing so I could be with him. The reason I did neither is we've got kids with various issues and I was afraid I'd damage them further if I went down either route.
What DH was pushing hard for me to find a lover I had to pretend I was racking my brain to think of a potential candidate. In truth I knew straight away. I was still afraid to go ahead with it though, it took me ages to relent, despite how badly I wanted and needed to sleep with the guy.
That's how strong a hold the concept of monogamy in a marriage had on me.
Unfortunately I believe this is the case for most couples with sexual incompatibility. They'd sooner divorce or cheat than consider opening up. To me, looking at it from where I am now, it seems crazy. But I was in that same mindset not so long ago.
Gosh I feel I'm becoming an advocate for open marriages! It wasn't my intention but I feel so strongly about it.

@JaneM86 so you always wanted to cheat on your husband, and with a particular man you had always fantasised about!

Well, isn't it lucky he went off sex with you!!

Erm ... right so you had chemistry with this other man and fancied him for ages? Snogged him once and had fantasies of cheating on your husband. I wonder why your sex life with your husband dwindled. I can't imagine a reason!

That's harsh - and also unfair. I'd been in a virtually sexless marriage for years before I even looked at that guy. I wouldn't have needed to fantasise about anyone else if I'd had a normal sex life within my marriage.

Gosh I feel I'm becoming an advocate for open marriages! It wasn't my intention but I feel so strongly about it.

You feel so strongly about it because you can now have the affair you've always wanted to have, with your husbands permission.

I would have had more chance of walking on the moon than being allowed to “open the marriage up”.

🤣🤣

Did you ask to open it up?

When you’ve lived with them for so long, you know the answer you are going to get.