Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

Thank you for creating this thread, I've never been able to speak to anyone about my situation but it feels good to at least write it down here.

I've been in a sexless marriage since the age of 32, I'm 40 now. I've been incredibly depressed during this time, I suspect my marriage may be a part of that.

There was a time when I desperately wanted to fix things, but sadly this has passed now. I no longer love my wife, in fact I have grown to resent her. I wouldn't be surprised if she now felt the same about me. I think we would have separated years ago if we didn't have a child together.

If I told my wife how I felt she would probably reluctantly have sex with me to keep the family together, and that's the last thing I'd want. It feels incredibly selfish to break up a family so that I may possibly have sex. There is no simple solution, right now I feel like I'm just waiting for our child to grow up and leave home, then we can separate with less impact.

What a really sad post, the best years of your life are passing you by and you know that all too well.

i’m not in your position, but the vast majority of my friends, men and women, are, so it’s more common than we might think, often buried under the carpet because of the sheer embarrassment, bordering on shame, factor.

You will meet a woman who will rock your world, don’t hesitate to move on with your life.

Someone famous, whose name escapes me, once said that people generally do what they want to do; it sure sounds like your wife is and you should do the same now.

We ended up this way through multiple operations and illness which also ended up causing serious metal health issues, which also means I'm the primary carer when I'm not working. Nobodies fault but just one of them things. It's not physically possible to be intimate. What sort of person would i be to walk away ! I'm certainly not doing that so i just have to live with it and make the best situation.

We ended up this way through multiple operations and illness which also ended up causing serious metal health issues, which also means I'm the primary carer when I'm not working. Nobodies fault but just one of them things. It's not physically possible to be intimate. What sort of person would i be to walk away ! I'm certainly not doing that so i just have to live with it and make the best situation

It's very sad for you. I'm not one to judge, all I will say is that if I became so ill as to no longer be able to physically have sex, I wouldn't wish to condemn my partner (and carer) to a life without intimacy. To paraphrase you, what kind of person would I be to expect that of my husband? I’d be grateful that he's sticking with me and looking after me (in sickness and in health) but I'd want him to find other ways to fulfill those physical needs. That's just me though.

By the way this is nothing new. D. H. Lawrence talked about this very situation in Lady Chatterley's Lover. Husband is paralysed from the waist down and despite loving him, she ends up having an affair, which he consents to. This was the 1920s, it caused a major scandal at the time. Yet we are 100 years later still discussing whether it's morally acceptable or not to release our spouses from the constraints of monogamy, in situations where they become unable or unwilling, for whatever reason, to fulfill their full marital duties. Sex isn't a bonus, for most people it's an essential part of a relationship.

I'm very sorry for your situation but that was an important piece of information to leave out of your first post. Your initial post makes it seem like your wife has just stopped having sex for no reason.

I had mentioned it earlier in the thread but it must have got missed in all the other posts.

Then please accept my apologies.

No apology required ! 😊

I must admit I wouldn't be able to cope with a partner taking a lover, especially if it was through no fault of my own. Of-course I can understand how frustrating it would be for him but in sickness and in health can apply here too. But if it was that important to him I'd much rather he just left. I'd feel like a burden to him. And knowing that he was out there being intimate with another woman and then coming home to me would absolutely kill me. Especially if it wasn't 'my fault' and I still wanted to be with him. That's just me.

My first FWB had been in a long term relationship with a man whose genitalia was partially removed, so wasn't physically able to have PIV sex.

They made it work as he was still willing and able to be intimate with her, and was happy to use hands, mouth & toys. I'm not saying that'll work for everyone, but I'd at least hope my partner would be willing to explore the possibilities.

Exploring other possibilities, yes. But for me, I don't thiink a partner taking a lover is a possibility. Like I say, I would prefer to let him go.

I've never been in that situation and you can say "you never know until you are..." but I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't be able to cope with him getting it elsewhere.

Life isn't easy!

You are correct, life isn't easy and I'm between a rock and a hard place !
I also would feel too guilty if i looked elsewhere and the fear of being seen fills me with dread so it's just not worth it.

I have accepted the situation and i shall live with it. I won't meet anyone but may look at getting my kicks online at some point as i think that is the only realistic solution.

Glad to see so many here.

i wanted to start the thread as it’s so hard to talk about in real life. Some friends talk about sex, generally, mostly about feeling horny in perimenopause and how lucky their husbands are. It’s too hard to say that I have the same driving urge but no outlet for years.

I don’t think I’ve ever discussed sex with men I’m not in a relationship with so it’s nice to read the other side too.

You have come to the right place as there are many like minded people here covering many different circumstances.
If all we get from this is support then the thread has definitely served it's purpose.

I was in a sexless marriage for about 8 years. I put up with it because of the children but eventually I divorced her.

@LoyalOtter I'm so sorry to read your post and suspect i am just behind you on that journey. I suspect we both feel resentment towards each other and not really sure how it happenned. Is counselling the only way to go?!

We tried counselling but it didn't help. Her mind was made up she didn't want sex with me anymore. I had a higher sex drive than my ex so I suppose we were incompatible from the beginning but she just went along with doing it until she could pretend no more.

My self esteem just went. I believed my body and genitalia were ugly. Even now I can't accept or believe I could be attractive to another woman. I saw a lady on a couple of occasions. We met through FB dating but as soon as she started to show signs of wanting to get intimate I was off like a frightened rabbit. I didn't know what ghosting was but that is what I did to her. I feel dreadful about having done that. As I'm 61 next birthday I've decided to stay clear of women and intimacy. The thought of being laughed at again or being humiliated has or was too much to bear and risk again.

I agree

Yes, it’s a great thread and has helped me see that I am not alone in this. And, no-one told me about feeling horny through perimenopause/menopause. I had no idea this was a thing! It destroyed my marriage to be honest as it highlighted my sexless marriage and the fact I definitely wasn’t attracted to my husband and didn’t see him that way. In to the arms of another, very passionate, man and off to the divorce courts I went!!! It’s 7 years since my last period but I am more sexual than I’ve ever been (but alone 😢). I think things would’ve been different if I’d known about the sex surge of menopause. I don’t think all women get it - most of the other way!

You don’t have to live like this. You really need to move on from this marriage - it’s making you desperately sad. Your child will pick up in this and you will be a better father if you’re happy. You don’t have to stay together because of the child. Find another woman who can and will make you happy! You only have one life - don’t waste it!

The man I’ve been involved with has constantly said he has issues (as he doesn’t find his wife attractive and this has led to a sexless marriage). He won’t leave her though (even though they never had children - couldn’t) and I sometime feel it’s a financial thing as he messed about in his younger years and didn’t get a decent job/start a pension until he was in his mid-30’s. His last conversation with me revealed a few things. They are friends, he said. The do things to help each other out (take turns making meals etc). He said he can’t give me what I need and feels we aren’t helping each other’s issues. What issues? I am perfectly normal, I just ended up with someone who didn’t fulfill my emotional and sexual needs. Living in a sexless marriage for over a decade isn’t normal. He clearly can’t cope living in a sexless marriage either, and has admitted this, but won’t do anything about it.

I bet there will be a lot of people on this thread who suddenly realise they are screwing their own life up to protect someone else. Regret is a sad thing!

I'm saddened to read this. I went past the 3 year mark to 8 hoping she would change. Never did. Maybe you have to accept this and divorce. We didn't marry to be ignored.