Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

So the two I know were never in love with their wives when they met, they married because they had to.. while they were younger and the men had strong sex drives then sex happened but as they’ve got older they can go without. They see them as companions and not in a sexual way. The old stereotype of men will fuck anything with a pulse just isn’t true, maybe closer to the truth when men are young and horny.
They should just separate so their wives can be happy

People are complicated, men just as much as women. There are all sorts of emotional reasons why the woman might want intimacy but the man doesn't, but I think men are way less likely to articulate this. Intimacy can be threatening to anyone: that might not shut off a man's libido but it might well prevent him from being able to exercise it with her. The mind can play so many funny tricks...

I'm in a sexless marriage myself. Not had sex for 3 years and husband is no longer interested in having it. He was having issues performing in the bedroom for a while when we were still sexually active. I am still with him mostly because I have a comfortable life except for the lack of sex. I've had thoughts about cheating or having affairs but not acted on them so far. To be honest if I knew a man who I thought was attractive felt the same way about me, I probably wouldn't need much persuasion to have sex with him. My knickers would be off like a shot. It feels a bit naughty saying that, but for me it's true.

I'd be amazed of any man does. Sure if you've got 8 minutes spare before work it's easier to fit a wank in but all other things being equal if real sex is available it's better than wanking.

Porn addiction is, unfortunately, a real thing.
I cant explain or understand it, but it exists.

Personally, porn does nothing for me. Give me a real life partner any day.

As to why a man might masturbate to porn rather than be intimate with his partner - my guess is it's the addiction.

Addiction in any form destroys lives & relationships. Just like drugs, alcohol or gambling, a porn addiction needs professional help, and support from their friends and family for someone to be weaned off it, and like the others, that demon might always be on their shoulder.

Admission of the problem is the first step.

Porn addiction is relatively new, so may not be as well understand or "accepted" as other addictions.

Imho, admitting to a porn addiction is possibly harder than admitting to a drugs, alcohol or gambling addiction.

I could question the existence of porn addiction full stop, but we'd just be quibbling over semantics. Clearly lots of people really like porn.

Even if you were totally "addicted" to porn, you can just watch it with your partner. What we're talking about here is people who choose to wank instead of sex with a real person. Porn is irrelevant to that.

Porn/sex addiction is a growing problem.

https://www.paulahall.co.uk/ is one of the leading speakers in this area.

Your final paragraph shows just how little you understand at the most basic level. Part of the sexual thrill is the illicit nature of the act. Watching with your partner doesn't give the kick. Having sex with your partner doesn't give the kick. Doing something in secret does.

Thanks very informative @AverageGuyand @OfcourseitsaNChow very sad for those affected. But I guess it’s no different to an alcoholic drowning in drink rather than enjoying real life.

Porn's pretty mainstream these days. Not much illicit about it any more.

And taking the word of someone that a problem exists when they make a living talking about that problem seems a but naive.

Having said that, it's a problem women would be more aware of than men so my perspective bases on a sample count of one is not very useful, I'll wind my neck in.

Ester Perel has some insights into why men may use porn instead of sex with a partner (listen from about 1:18:00)... basically anxiety around rejection/ performance/ ability to satisfy a partner... a porn star not only looks the part but also never says no or tells someone they're not doing it right.

Don't be afraid to act on it. You need to pleasure yourself

There are probably a few men on this thread who would jump at the chance of having sex with you.

....I haven't read anything that resonates so much to my situation! We've been together since uni and 20+ years later/kids/work etc etc, we've gradually come to a halt on any form of intimacy (non-family based discussions, kisses, hugs, even basic pleasantries - sex is soo far of the table!). It's been years now and whilst I have a good libido, unfortunately my wife doesn't appear to. Glad to see this support thread set up and keen to hear other perspectives.
[PS: long time member and NC]
[PPS: I guess I should introduce myself 45M]

In a word, resentment.

My wife had some of the craziest mood swings, and said some utterly poisonous things to me, and to other people in our circle includung my family. It often seemed very out of character, as she could be/is quite a fun loving person in many ways. It made a cold resentment for her grow inside of me, and I got my revenge by completely withdrawing any intimacy from the marriage. I still had my libido, but the idea of being intimate or vulnerable with her was unthinkable to me. She was too unpredictable. She also used alcohol to deal with her dark moods which brought its own problems and even more resentment.

On insistance from me, she eventually seen a woman's health specialist, and the hormone treatment she was prescribed worked instantly. She os literally back to the woman I first fell for 19 years ago! We are now slowly rebuilding our intimacy, but she has discovered that her libido has lessened, so we are only having sex once a month. Still, I'd genuinely rather we never had sex again, than go back to our life pre-treatnent when she was paranoid and hate filled for 2 - 3 weeks every month.

I lived in a sexless marriage for over a decade. I was early 30’s when it became sexless. I’m female btw. It was me who lost interest. Not in sex/passion but with him. He was older than me (by 10 years) and was lacking in something when it came to affection/sex. He just didn’t do anything to turn me on and we never had passionate kissing sessions (which I have since discovered I love). What happened for me was menopause. Sent me doodle crazy with hormones going crazy. I ended up seeking out males to talk to online! Not what I would have even considered normally. Met a man who became someone I desired greatly (my age, we got on great) and the relationship (if you can call it that) has carried on for 8 years! He is also in a sexless marriage and says he isn’t attracted to his wife (overweight) but they are like best friends. It became apparent I had feelings for him
and it made me worse tbh. I ended my marriage and screwed up my life because of him but still desire him greatly. He won’t leave her, he has told me. And, of course, I have been left hurt badly.

I guess I was a bit naive when I was younger and felt a bit pressurised into getting married. Some people get on as good friends and some people have that with fantastic sexual chemistry too (which they always have) - these are the marriages that last, I believe.

I have tried the dating apps, with no success. I’m 53 now so feeling a bit meh. Left them a while back as couldn’t stand it anymore.

But, feeling lonely especially now as I am on my own now. I feel I have made bad choices in relationships. But, yes, I totally get that sexless marriages are a lonely way to live. It’s the affection and feelings of desire that are missing too. Cuddling in bed, or on the sofa, and holding hands. Ahhhh, I can dream!

So, still living a sexless life (apart from meets here and there with OM - that he has now stopped again as he wants me to move on and find someone available as he can’t be!!) and I’m more sexual now than ever - 7 years post menopause! Think I must be very responsive to testosterone now!!

I can’t do casual sex either (OM and I knew each other a year via phone calls and chat before we met).

Not sure what to do but interesting so many on here also live in sexless marriages.

I’m starting to wish I’d gone down the open marriage route rather than filing for divorce. Or, maybe even finding a FWB. The divorce has cost me a lot, both financially and emotionally. Both children live with their father mostly so I feel I have lost them too. The house is on the market (finally) so I’m losing that too 😔. And, after chasing something I so desperately needed to fill that void (see my other post), I have been left alone. I’ve lost a lot and for what?

A woman at work is having a relationship (affair) with an older man at work. He has filed for divorce from his wife but she is staying with her husband but continuing to mess around behind his back.

For me, it was morally wrong to get involved with someone else and remain married - hence why I acted. But look where it’s left me…

Not sure what the answer is.

Your story is desperately sad, and all too common I fear.
No point looking back now and beating yourself up about bad choices you may or may not have made. You don't even know if your ex husband would have been pk with opening up, many men are not. In which case divorce was probably your best option anyway. But at this point you've got to move on, you still have many years of great sex ahead of you.
I don't have any dating advice, but I hope you don't give up looking. No one should be alone unless they want to be. You clearly need sex and companionship, and you owe it to yourself to find them.

Yes, it’s very sad! I don’t think he would’ve been ok with an open marriage anyway tbh. The other man showed me what passion was (mainly because he was a passionate man and I developed feelings for him - strong feelings). The void in my life suddenly became more obvious and niggled away at me constantly. I had to do something.

Just out of interest…has anyone sought advice from friends/family about their situation? I so wanted to discuss things with my mum but she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 9 years ago - I felt I couldn’t off-load my issues on to her and didn’t want her worrying about me. I then decided I would open up to a close friend/colleague (who I trusted) but she too was also diagnosed with terminal cancer and died earlier this year - I ended up not telling her either. I feel like I have not had the emotional support I probably needed. Just wondered if anyone else out there had discussed things with anyone apart from their wife/husband/partner or kept it all hidden inside (due to the nature of the problem).

Not in any deep or serious way. I have a close friend with whom we often joked about our husbands never initiating sex, not lasting very long and all that. I sense she's in a similar situation to where I was two years ago, but the tone of those conversations never went beyond jest. Now if she ever jokes about that, I laugh along and pretend it's still the same for me. Much as I love and trust her, I don't feel I can tell her my husband likes to watch me with other guys. Apart from anything else, it wouldn't be fair to him if I did that.

I think these are such delicate subjects that it's hard for most people to share, especially with relatives. It's much easier here, in total anonymity.

Opening up to a therapist may also help.

I've never spoken to anyone in real life about it!
I would be too embarrassed to explain how sad it is that a man of 55 knows that the rest of his life will have no intimacy and there are no options or anyway of changing it.
I've just got to get on with it! However it is comforting to know I'm not the only one going through the situation even though I can't offer any advice!

Hey PP ..
How come this is the way it always will be ?

And you won’t consider ending the marriage?

One of the reasons for this thread is being able to talk to someone about it, I definitely wouldn’t discuss it with family members or friends. Being able to say on here how frustrating things are helps a bit as do some of the suggestions about maybe why and how to address.Several opportunities to have had sex this last week, no one else in house, no work to be tired because of , not arguing about anything but the normal not interested response, tried again to discuss why , is it me she’s not wanting, would she do it with someone else, is she stressed about something, bothered about something etc but just turns away and stops talking. Leaving is obviously an option but I actually want an intimate relationship with DW, but she clearly doesnt

I now have a couple of very close friends that I can talk to about pretty much anything, but at the time I didn't feel that I could. It's extraordinarily hard to open up about something so intimate with a friend or relative.

I'd maybe consider speaking to a councillor instead - ideally both of you! but again that requires you to have an open & honest conversation about your sex life, and for both of you to want to do something about it!

There is no easy answer - no magic bullet.

I'm happy to offer my 2p's worth of advice & experience.

Sending virtual hugs to everybody in this situation.