Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

No , I saw the post where you said menopause & depression & just zero interest..
I , like you , need sex in a relationship ..
Infact , I met a really nice guy short while back, a gentleman , attractive, got on great , didn’t click sexually though , I need both …
So if you happen to bump into “ Mr Right “ Will you tell him ,I’m looking for him 😂

It’s great that you & your Ex wife are still friends , for whatever the reasons are for break ups , they’re never easy ..
Always harder to walk away than stay …

Likewise, if you see a "Miss right!... 😂

Bet the two of them are hanging out together ,
Oh well , we’ll just have to settle for meeting the Mr & Miss wrongs of the world for another while

ffs !!! 🙈😂

Sounds about right. 🙄

Are you in the UK ?

Yes. In a wet & windy Shropshire, at the moment!

Just wondering , I live in Ireland, well like, & I’m Irish also ..

Some interesting points being made, the red flags point, no masturbation etc made me think, to the best of my knowledge DW never masturbates and said she never did before we met, is that an indication of her not enjoying sex?, she’s always said she doesn’t as she’s never needed to, also,other than the method @AverageGuy describes, how do you get your partner to have that conversation, I’ve tried many times, couched it as a bit of a joke, been deadly serious, nothing gets her to talk about our sex life, her stock answer is, I do it when I want to, I know she bothers about her body and wants to lose weight but do t know any other reasons, recently joked that weekly sex would help burn calories, reply was , we’ve never had sex every week, we’ll we definitely did, it’s only the last 5 years that sex has gone from still more than once a fortnight to once every 6 weeks at most and then the lack of actual intimacy, touch etc makes it feel like it’s not worth the effort

I tried lots of ways to have the conversation. We used to watch sex scenes in films/tv programmes and I used those as a prompt to start a conversation. At first he’d play along, and probably a few times it ended in us having sex especially if there was oral involved in the scene. Then even that stopped working and 3yrs ago he stopped getting hard. I tried going down on him while he watched porn, stripped, sexy lingerie, nothing worked.

I then had to start speaking quite directly as months turned to years of no sex. In some ways, I wish I’d had the direct conversation earlier while he still got aroused a bit as maybe it would’ve made a difference

With my first marriage there was a big age difference. Hi was much older. We had not had sex before marriage but he was ever so nice. After marriage it was clear he was not really interested in sex. We did over the first year but it did not seem to get him excited. I started masturbating and even did it in bed next to him after the light went out. I did not hide it. He seemed fine with it and I think relieved that he did not have to perform. He was a really lovely man. He subsequently said that if I wanted to have sex with other men he would be fine by that provided it did not spoil the relationship we had. I said I was not interested. But increasingly when I was masturbating I was getting excited by the idea. I then said I would like to do. We set down ground
rules, mainly it would not be talked about but that I would not hide that I was going out for sex. It worked really well until a health condition of us deteriorated and he passed away.

I’m sorry for your loss @KirstyHD1

Yes it needs to be more well known that it’s not just women who go off it.. this forum is full of women who are with men who don’t want it anymore and she does. I know frustrated women in real life too.
low testosterone, ED, stress.. plenty of reasons
Though I know 2 men who have sex available with their wives, they DO have sex drives as they are constantly masturbating/watching porn but have chosen a life of never having sex again. I don’t get it

so don’t assume your wife/husband has no drive, they might be seeing to their needs solo.

I've been following this thread with much sadness. Knowing what people are going through.
I myself am in the same situation but with completely different circumstances.
Our lack of intimacy is not through lack of desire but my partner having to go through multiple operations which then caused mental health issues.
It's just not physically possible to be intimate!
My circumstances will never change as I'm also the primary carer but I do hop the rest of you find some semblance of happiness and fulfillment.

Just know you're not alone in this and there are many of us out there both male and female.

Thank you, very kind, but it was a long time ago

Yes, I read an article some time ago that there are men who prefer to masturbate themselves while online than have sex with their wives. and that that is all they do. I have no problem with men masturbating while online but it has to be just a part of their sexual activities - if it takes over there is a problem that needs help.

Absolutely
then they end up with death grip and only turned on by pixels

It's very sad that they would rather do that than have real intimacy with their partners!

It would be interesting if men could explain why/how it would be possible to prefer virtual to reality. I could be wrong but I can’t imagine women do?

I can think of all sorts of reasons off the top of my head.

Problems in the relationship means the man shies away from intimacy.

Man gets carried away by kinks/famtasies in porn that the woman can't or won't do, or he doesn't want to tell her what he likes.

Man gets obsessed by pornstar bodies.

Man gets so used to getting himself off that it just becomes easier.

Man is too tired or to put effort into actual sex so a wank is easier.

Men I think are more turned on by visuals. On the other hand I enjoy masturbating reading erotic literature

Thanks @Catullus5

i guess I was meaning when the woman does want him (as in this thread) so discounting the first reason. The others all make sense. It just seems so empty to reject intimacy and another human desiring you for a screen and a right hand.

Obviously men and women both masturbate. It’s just I can’t imagine a woman rejecting her partner because she prefers porn/erotic literature whatever.

I can't get my head around it either!
Communication is key, if people just talked maybe it would be better!
Surely intimacy between a couple is far better than having to pleasure yourself all the time!

Exactly- most people are understandably upset if they find they are in a sexless marriage. But some men are CHOOSING it! Because they prefer porn. Their libido etc is completely normal. Bizarre!

It is sad.