Not how I expected it to be

[Namechanged006]

Been with my wife over 12 years, married 7 years and when we got together the sex was incredible and mindblowing and nothing like I’ve ever experienced. Underwear was always sexy and it was all brilliant. I know people will say it’s the honeymoon period which I get but it’s genuinely like the woman i dated and the one I married are polar opposites.
She mentioned recently that she hates giving blowjobs, hates wearing thongs or dressing up and finds toys pointless and she only wants sex In missionary and my hands can’t move anywhere near her hair or face or even be on the pillow and must be basically by her side and we now only have sex once a month/6 weeks.
we have busy lives and our youngest child comes in our room every night.
Ive mentioned it in the past that I need regular sex and it’s always been the same response of ‘well if you don’t like it then split up’ but I just feel like I could never end my marriage because of that and i would feel so selfish and embarrassed but at the same time we are only here once.
I genuinely feel like I was sold a dream with my wife and i don’t really know what to do. If I knew she didn’t like sex and is happy with it once every so often I don’t think it would have progressed to where we are now.
is anyone else in a similar position?

She wasn't lying. Of course she loved the sex you had pre kids. It sounds like you still have very young kids. Her mind is probably focused on being a mum and carer. It's hard for some women to flick a switch and become a wife and lover in the evening. ESPECIALLY if there is a risk of being disturbed.

This is all too common and, mostly I think, related to the stresses and pressures of being parents of young kids. You wife is likely physically tired and emotionally distracted most of the time.

You both have to put in the extra effort to make the time for intimacy. The things we did were:

Maximise opportunities for grandparents and look after the kids and get away for a night or two (best done with the grandparents at your place).

You have to go the extra mile in the house and with the kids. I have heard it said the best aphrodisiac for a young mum is a very engaged dad who make the effort to give her a mum-break. Do the house jobs she hates, take the kids to the park and tire them out, make dinner AND tidy up the dishes.

Plan holidays in a way you don't have to share the room with the kids.

Lower your expectations in a way that she sees you being "more" reasonable.

and talk to her when you are not bed expecting something.

I suppose I don’t doubt that she enjoyed the sex but it’s more that she’s said on a few occasions about being like this with exes and she has always ended up going off it.

As well it just seems so structured now, missionary and with the covers on top, my hands can be no higher than her shoulders or touching the pillow when on top. That’s even when the kids aren’t in the house. Fair enough if every now and then it’s different it wouldn’t be a problem.
It always has to be me that initiates it as she said she will never do that although she used to even to the point where I’ve woke up to her giving me a hand job and blowjob which was incredible but she said that was all to impress me and get a boyfriend but she actually doesn’t like any of that stuff.
Even now she will say if I give her a massage it’ll get her in the mood then I will do and then play with her and she will then just roll over and go to sleep after she’s orgasmed.

Or maybe she's gone off you. Tbh I can see why.

If "she's" totally lost interest in sex then clearly she has gone off 'me'.

That's exactly the problem the OP is describing. She got the commitment, then all the good stuff stopped and left the guy having to choose between his children's welfare and his own happiness.

If 'she' said up front "Let's have kids and get married, but if we do there's a high chance I'll "go off you" so if you would rather not that's fine." the world would be a lot happier place. (And likely less over populated.)

This appears to be a loss of intimacy. You should consider both seeing a sex therapist. Sex therapist guide couples to re-establish their intimacy.

I feel sorry for you, because the bottom line is that you did not sign up for a marriage that almost totally lacks any intimacy. Having sex is a very important way for most of us to communicate our love for each other. We get one try at this life and you need to decide whether you wish to remain forever in this emotional environment. Your life and potential are passing by and you need to decide whether to go and create a new, happier life for yourself. It really is that simple.

One thing that sounds alarm bells for me is the presence of a child in your bed. Whether your wife is deliberately using that as a means to reduce the opportunities for sex, or whether it is because of other reasons, it needs to stop right now. The amount of time that parents of a young family have for intimacy is restricted anyway, but to have a child in your bed is going to make it pretty much zero. It is also bad for the child and every night that this happens makes the inevitable requirement for the child to eventually sleep alone so much more difficult to achieve.

Best wishes.

It is very normal for children to spend some of their night in parents bed!

time to wheel out that old sexist joke:

What food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90% ...

Wedding cake.

Doesn’t seem unusual, sex with DW was amazing, frequent and definitely not vanilla in the early days, as the years past, frequency became less and less, sex became increasingly vanilla, intimacy of any kind almost non existent, won’t kiss, won’t touch me or look at me naked, let’s me touch her boobs and bum but try and touch the front and it’s like a vice clamping shut, discussion ends like yours OP, if you don’t like it leave, in the end you actually stop bothering, maybe in your case, try to stop the kids being in bed

She has no interest in being in a relationship with you.

Marriage yes, family yes. Relationship, No.

Sounds like you gave her what she wanted and you have served your purpose.

Welcome to the club!

There are lots of options to improve things but you both have to want things to improve. Sounds like your wife is very happy in the life you have and has outlined clearly what she wants and needs and that you should leave if that is not for you!

The fact she has also experienced this before is a bigger challenge for turning things around or meeting you halfway. However in the numbers game Natsal 3 is 1 - 7 within the last 4 weeks(16/44) I think less that 12 deems a marriage sexless. So depends on if that is enough for you also don’t sound like your enjoying the sex your having.

I have read tonnes of stuff mainly for interest. From your post I’d work on working on yourself. Get fit, get your mental health in ship shape. Be the best dad you can be, take the time to think about how your could cope with 50/50 shared care. Get your financial ducks in order so know what you can live on.

In this process she could notice a change and maybe consider that it’s worth meeting you in the middle but invariably I am sorry to say it sounds like your going to have to leave x

The dead bedroom fix by DSO (Dad starting over) might be worth a listen on Audible it’s free to download on the website in PDF.

We’re only on this spinning rock for a short time to be unhappy!!

Very best of luck!!

But does that make it desirable from a parent's point of view? Certainly not in my case. My daughter owns a dog that often stays with me; when he's at home he cries until she lets him into her bed, when he is with me he stays all night in his bed in the kitchen without a murmur. Children know exactly how to operate parents and will do so - if you let them.

You sound like my parents generation! I don't know anyone these days who would treat kids like dogs!

our child doesn’t sleep in our room permanently and it’s more a case of they wake up normally about 1am and just come up to our room. Some nights they sleep through but more often than not they will come up.
in an ideal world they would sleep through every night but not overly concerned as all children outgrow this phase but just annoying.

haven’t had a chance to read all the other comments yet and this was the quickest part to reply to first

Same thing happened to us
my wife went as far to say she conned me
about ten years on, the sexy underwear was being worn again my sexy wife was back and we’ve not looked back since.
there was a lot of hormone problems hysterectomy etc. in those years in between
it might sound corny but love gets you through it. I don’t hold on to the past but live in the now.

@Namechanged006 I think that's so so normal and as you say not the cause of your lack of sex! Much better that everyone is getting as much sleep as possible. As sleep deprivation really is a passion killer!

@Aulddeacon lovely post- women just have more variable hormones/libidos during their lives than men on average. No one is conning or tricking anyone though (even if perhaps in the middle of a time of zero drive a woman may not be able to imagine herself as a sex goddess 😂)

Thank for your reply we’re now what some may call mature
but the sexy underwear and brilliant sex is still
going on .
our feelings and respect for each other is stronger than ever.

I think sonetimes they are conning and tricking.

I think some women know this stuff and deliberately don't mention it up front when it needs to be said. Some women say "Marriage won't change our relationship" when they know that's not the case at all. I think a vast number of men find a woman with the same interests and then commit and find the goalposts are moved.

Personally, I think women are typically so obsessed with commitment precisely because they want the situation to change. They know nobody would sign up to a life of misery so they want commitment ASAP so they can change to the life they actually want with some poor sap stuck with the new reality and no easy way out.

Also, libido mysteriously returns when TTC. 🤔 All of a sudden there's no need for spontaneity or being in the right mood, it's just back normal enthusiastic sex in every spare moment.

I genuinely think there is a con or a trick and I'd love to be convinced otherwise.

Honestly I think you've just forgotten what it's like to be in your 20s and in love and lust with no responsibilities. No mortgage or work stress or kids or ageing parents or whatever. Just being free to do what you want to do (and looking gorgeous too). Having the whole day to spend in bed and not wanting to do anything else...

People get married because they're happy and in love and yes often they want kids (not always of course).

No one is tricking anyone. It would be very unusual for a young woman to want to marry a man she wasn't in love with and didn't enjoy having sex with. She would have so many other options. And vice versa. Of course life happens and there are no guarantees. But no one can see into the future. And even if we told our 20 something selves what our future held- we'd have ignored it and done it anyway 😂

If you are now facing a sexless marriage then as with every other thing in life that didn't work out how you dreamed- deal with it in the best way you can. Whatever that looks like to you.

But odd conspiracy theories and red pill rhetoric are probably going to make you more bitter and who wants that in their life

Well yeah, but posting anonymously here is a pretty good way to vent that bitterness without upsetting anyone IRL.

You'd be better off getting a hobby. I'd recommend the gym 😂