Not how I expected it to be

[Namechanged006]

Been with my wife over 12 years, married 7 years and when we got together the sex was incredible and mindblowing and nothing like I’ve ever experienced. Underwear was always sexy and it was all brilliant. I know people will say it’s the honeymoon period which I get but it’s genuinely like the woman i dated and the one I married are polar opposites.
She mentioned recently that she hates giving blowjobs, hates wearing thongs or dressing up and finds toys pointless and she only wants sex In missionary and my hands can’t move anywhere near her hair or face or even be on the pillow and must be basically by her side and we now only have sex once a month/6 weeks.
we have busy lives and our youngest child comes in our room every night.
Ive mentioned it in the past that I need regular sex and it’s always been the same response of ‘well if you don’t like it then split up’ but I just feel like I could never end my marriage because of that and i would feel so selfish and embarrassed but at the same time we are only here once.
I genuinely feel like I was sold a dream with my wife and i don’t really know what to do. If I knew she didn’t like sex and is happy with it once every so often I don’t think it would have progressed to where we are now.
is anyone else in a similar position?

OK, this man who was baby-trapped. Did his partner say "we need to get married"? Was there a discussion about it or did the man think it was what he needed to do and propose off his own bat?

Yeah right! I'm sure they'll LOVE coming to visit Dad in his brand-new bedsit.

Can you talk me a bit more through the thought process here.

If a woman appears to absolutely love sex and can't get enough of it before the commitment is made, is she assuming/hoping that all desire will just naturally vanish in due course on the man's side too?

I just don't see how a woman in that situation could be in any doubt that sex is hugely important to the other person.

Somebody make it make sense please.

I agree it is also unrealistic of the woman in that situation to think the lack of sex won’t be a problem. When my libido went AWOL I was well aware it was an issue but it wasn’t under conscious control and in my situation I wasn’t able to do anything about it

When your libido goes it’s just like a vacuum. The thoughts don’t even enter your head and it doesn’t even occur to you that you haven’t had sex for weeks or months

As said by a PP, if that happened then "you" do need to get out. It is abusive. If she got pregnant to "trap" you and you decided you must marry her for the sake of your child then that is on you

I'm sure there are plenty of women who DO 'trap' men but are these the same men that refuse to wear party hats and are pussy blind to the consequences? Yep!

Similarly, there are plenty of men who con women, also. You know, the type of man who leads a woman on, has sex and then evaporates! The problem is dishonesty, across the board.

Sexual compatibility plays a huge part. I believe a lot of women pretend to enjoy sex more than they do so that they can avoid real talk but also to avoid hurting their partner's feelings. I did this once, in my younger years but the difference was I genuinely loved him, just didn't like having sex with him very much! However, he would never have guessed and I wasn't about to tell him!

Point is, we all bullshit. We tell our SO that sex was wonderful, we make all the right noises. But, is it really wonderful, and are we truly sexually fulfilled? A lot of women are not but that's because they value other things above sex or they think that sex is par for the course!

And one for the men: if it is truly your wife who you are missing intimacy with, why do most of you have affairs? And why do some of you use prostitutes? Knowing that said prostitute would not sleep with you for free.

Sorry, my thoughts are all over the place! I just don't think men realise the huge collective part they play in this batshittery!

Without sounding condescending, who were your role models growing up. Did you have a father who was present, a mother who was consistent? I had an over protective father and an inconsistent mum. They both clearly loved me but the combo wasn't great...which is why my romantic life has been fight or flight. However, I am addressing this and have the insight to know that I have a lot of things learn and take on board. And to realise that the outside world is much different from my somewhat sheltered upbringing.

Men are the the ones who tend to instigate marriage (propose) in the main

Women are the ones that tend to instigate divorce.

There are very few successful men who do not marry (presumably through their own free will 😂) so men obviously value marriage very highly. The same applies to having children.

No one can guarantee that their partner will fancy and desire them for the rest of their life. Similarly no one can guarantee they will never lose their libido!! Or develop ED.

I suspect a lot of attractive/successful men chose to have an affair in this situation. But a lot of middle aged men are just not desirable in that way to women. And they are put off leaving not because of their kids as they claim... but as pp admits- they'd take a financial hit and don't want to live in 'a bed sit'.

Ah, @Gymbunny2025 , so lovely to have you back on the thread. More shite again, unfortunately.

If middle aged men aren't desirable to women, how are "a lot" of them managing to have affairs, according to you? The only people a lot of them don't seem to be desirable to, are their own wives.

Men aren't interested in their kids? So they are only interested in sex and money. Fuck off.

It's perfectly reasonable for a man to be concerned about losing everything he's worked hard for because his wife has exercised her right to opt out of a sex life. Of course that includes his family.

@Letstalkaboutsex76

I wouldn’t say your thoughts are all over the place pretty much the opposite.

Interesting about upbringing I grew up in a sexually conservative household. Never mentioned never had the talk. Even sanitary products hid. Yet exposed to loud weekly sex noise! Square that circle. It’s been an interesting journey with a few bumps to be ok.

Life is certainly a broad church which I think you summed up well.

I also thought @Letstalkaboutsex76 post was excellent. I particularly agreed re the affair comment!

@MerlotMisery gosh it would appear that Merlot does indeed make you miserable (and aggressive- not the type that would do well single I would say!). Not too late for dry Jan! Your wife may appreciate it too...

You particularly agreed with the craziest part of the whole thing?!! You're trolling now surely. "Most men" don't have affairs, as you know.

@Gymbunny2025
Men are the the ones who tend to instigate marriage (propose) in the main

Many men (incl. on here) will tell you they were "baby-trapped", coerced, emotionally blackmailed into it, only did it because the GF wanted it.

@MerlotMisery
Men aren't interested in their kids? So they are only interested in sex and money. Fuck off.

I've had a man tell me he can't leave because of the kids. But when questioned further he said he'd be happy if his wife left him. I'm not saying he doesn't love his kids but if he's happy enough for the wife to leave... maybe he just doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy."

It's interesting isn't it. The people are know irl are all married. Very few divorces (yet I guess). All seem very happy. But then the people I mix with are generally happy, sporty, successful people. Almost all have kids too. Met young/at uni and have grown up together.

I just cannot imagine someone I actually know saying they'd been baby trapped!! It's like something they'd shout on the Jeremy Kyle show 😂