Not how I expected it to be

[Namechanged006]

Been with my wife over 12 years, married 7 years and when we got together the sex was incredible and mindblowing and nothing like I’ve ever experienced. Underwear was always sexy and it was all brilliant. I know people will say it’s the honeymoon period which I get but it’s genuinely like the woman i dated and the one I married are polar opposites.
She mentioned recently that she hates giving blowjobs, hates wearing thongs or dressing up and finds toys pointless and she only wants sex In missionary and my hands can’t move anywhere near her hair or face or even be on the pillow and must be basically by her side and we now only have sex once a month/6 weeks.
we have busy lives and our youngest child comes in our room every night.
Ive mentioned it in the past that I need regular sex and it’s always been the same response of ‘well if you don’t like it then split up’ but I just feel like I could never end my marriage because of that and i would feel so selfish and embarrassed but at the same time we are only here once.
I genuinely feel like I was sold a dream with my wife and i don’t really know what to do. If I knew she didn’t like sex and is happy with it once every so often I don’t think it would have progressed to where we are now.
is anyone else in a similar position?

Remind me, at what stage of a relationship this (perfectly reasonable) lack of desire for the man should best be mentioned?

Can I suggest the first date with him? Certainly before children are fathered by him. Certainly before the marriage.

@Letstalkaboutsex76 No, no! No sexless marriage here. Crossed wires....

You were asking the men to have a look at themselves and if they would have sex with themselves. I'm saying they would probably answer yes.

"I dread sleeping with you" is best said on a first date. (Which should also be the last date.)

Sticking with someone who you dread sleeping and only telling him when it's too late is the problem in a nutshell.

You've never slept/stuck with someone who you weren't that into? Really?

I don't think being slept with under false pretence is the thing that's pissing people off.

At what stage of a relationship, when the man decides he doesn't want to be with the woman, should he tell her so and walk away?

This shit works both ways. You're banging on about women not being upfront with their intentions, sometimes men aren't so upfront either. Apparently.

You seem to know an awful lot about everyone else with your liberal, patronising use of ‘most’.

The plain truth is that you simply don’t know; all you can do is comment based on your experiences, or lack of, whichever is the case.

What caused you to be so bitter and resentful?

While I may not agree with all of the above, I do think it makes a valid point about the sex you had at the onset of a relationship, DW told me very early in our relationship that she used sex to keep her partners interested and she did the same in ours, taking the lead in initiating from the first time, but as time passed and we moved to being a long term relationship, then I guess that need passed and her desire for sex reduced, doesn’t however stop it being difficult when one partner shows very little desire and despite attempts to engage in dialogue to see if there is an actual problem, just won’t talk or offer any sort of reason why and whose inevitable answer, like in OPs original post, comes down to if you don’t like it leave. Should you have to throw away a long term relationship because one of you just seems to have stopped trying, or perhaps that’s an indication that it is time to go as the intimacy has clearly gone

DW told me very early in our relationship that she used sex to keep her partners interested and she did the same in ours, taking the lead in initiating from the first time

I can see how some might think of this as a con but I just find it incredibly sad. It reads to me that she had to 'use' sex to keep a partner interested because, possibly, she didn't feel like her partner was really interested in anything else about her.

And quite frankly from some of the comments on here it would appear she might just be correct.

@NCForThatForumM

In the case of the OP's wife, she is still having sex with him, albeit not in the way she used to.

It's not recommended IMO. Sex you don't want doesn't solve anything. I've certainly gone along with things I've not totally loved but I've done it, not to keep him interested, but because it made him happy and I did it willingly. It became the norm. I would say "I like X, Y, Z...." and I'd get it once then it was forgotten about and it was back to what he wanted. After a while you just feel used and realise it's not about your pleasure, it's about his. Then it reaches a point where you just don't want to anymore.

Should I not have tried to please him? Should I have just said no? Maybe.

I'll admit the OPs wife's conditions do seem a tad strange but in some way, although it might not appear so, she is trying to give him something.

And OP, no-one needs regular sex. No-ones willy is going to fall off it doesn't regularly enter a woman. They want regular sex. There's a difference.

I really don't think it reads true. Not saying the OP was lying but maybe crossed wires with his wife? Or she said it to put him off. If a man is keen on a woman he'll marry her/stay with her DESPITE bad or minimal sex. As demonstrated here.

If a woman was really having to using sex to 'keep hold of' a man- it would suggest he wasn't that in to her and would never contemplate marrying her imho

First date, everyone needs their cards on the table, totally open and frank.

What seems to happen in reality IME is one person typically makes it clear they're not looking to settle down and other person hears the opposite. The other person says they're just looking for some fun when really they want kids, marriage, a dog.

Obvs that's based on a small sample count.

If you're having good sex, you're communicating well and honestly, you want to please each other and you're great companions. It's not a bolt on, it's the glue that bonds two people.

As someone on mumsnet said once, if you can talk about sex you can talk a bit anything. Very hard to argue about curtains if you've just blown each other's minds making love.

Oh come on @AtYourPleasure.

You've been talking a reasonable amount of sense so far, in places, but you let yourself down when you start talking about sex in terms of "needs" vs "wants".

If you strip life down to "needs" only, really what are you left with?

It's also damn sanctimonious and very easy to say when your own sexual needs - sorry, wants - are being met.

@Gymbunny2025 This kind of thing is why I mentioned earlier that I don't find you very helpful on this thread.

You simply aren't interested in listening to the reality of what these men with real experience in the subject are saying. You can't believe it, they must have got it wrong! It must be their fault somehow.

I'm ok with you not finding my posts helpful @MerlotMisery 😂

Oh come on @NCForThatForumM you cannot possibly be saying men that want casual sex don't realise that marriage is a legal commitment (ie the opposite of casual sex). It's even explained in an idiots guide before you sign the contract. I'm so sorry if you didn't understand getting married didn't mean continuing to have casual sex but I'm sure there aren't many men who would claim that applies to them!!

?

You said:

What seems to happen in reality IME is one person typically makes it clear they're not looking to settle down and other person hears the opposite. The other person says they're just looking for some fun when really they want kids, marriage, a dog.

If 2 people are looking for different things- how do they end up married 😂 at least one of them has poor boundaries!

Whether you call sex a need or a want... not everybody in life is getting any (whether they are married or not). Divorce doesn't come with guarantees of sex either. But some people feel they would find a sexless existence being single is preferable to a sexless marriage. Not easy decisions- but entirely your decision.

What has this got to do with anything? The original post though appears to be about women who want a sexless life, but not to bother with such niceties like telling your husband why not, or trying to end things. They still want the benefits of being married.

I think this is an important distinction though, certainly in about how you communicate with your partner.

If you say to your wife “I need more sex” it becomes another demand that she has to meet. If she is already knackered from juggling childcare and work and lack of sleep and maybe trying to get her body back to something like it used to be before having kids this is likely to add to the pressure and make her libido worse. And if she already feels near breaking point and that she can’t do anything more she may well push you away by saying “if you don’t like it leave” or “I was only really pretending to like sex before” just so that you will get off her back and give her a break.

If you say “I miss when we used to be intimate more often, is there anything I/we can do to help” it is more likely to have a different result.

I think it is a different scenario if the partner is unwilling to engage with any attempt to find a solution. I think sometimes viewpoints can become entrenched where any attempt to improve the relationship is viewed as “he just wants more sex” and I think therapy is probably required at that point if the relationship has any chance of being salvaged.

@MerlotMisery even if a partner wants the benefits of being married (understandable as there are many) they can't force the other partner to stay... so if one person in the marriage is unhappy they need to make a decision. Obviously I'm sure that would involve counselling first.

What's the relevance of "didn't understand getting married didn't mean continuing to have casual sex" to that?

I think that's what the registrar needed to explain more clearly to you!