Not how I expected it to be

[Namechanged006]

Been with my wife over 12 years, married 7 years and when we got together the sex was incredible and mindblowing and nothing like I’ve ever experienced. Underwear was always sexy and it was all brilliant. I know people will say it’s the honeymoon period which I get but it’s genuinely like the woman i dated and the one I married are polar opposites.
She mentioned recently that she hates giving blowjobs, hates wearing thongs or dressing up and finds toys pointless and she only wants sex In missionary and my hands can’t move anywhere near her hair or face or even be on the pillow and must be basically by her side and we now only have sex once a month/6 weeks.
we have busy lives and our youngest child comes in our room every night.
Ive mentioned it in the past that I need regular sex and it’s always been the same response of ‘well if you don’t like it then split up’ but I just feel like I could never end my marriage because of that and i would feel so selfish and embarrassed but at the same time we are only here once.
I genuinely feel like I was sold a dream with my wife and i don’t really know what to do. If I knew she didn’t like sex and is happy with it once every so often I don’t think it would have progressed to where we are now.
is anyone else in a similar position?

Are you post this experiece or are you curentley living it?

I would imagine reading about all of the good sex on here is a bit triggering.
If your post it then try and start again. If you are living it then can you not change your situation?

Life is too short for shit sex life. You only get a bucket and a half!!

You might want to see if your wife fancies going to. Does wonders for libido apparently 😇

Living it. There are children, so willing to trade my happiness for theirs until they're grown up. (There are no rows or anything. Just a joyless domestic existence with no adult affection or companionship.)

...but I will be showing the bairns a few mumsnet threads so they understand that women typically have very different aspirations to men and are unlikely to be frank and honest about them up front.

They'll just assume it's because you're a grumpy old man if you do that 😂

Most kids do not want to think about their parents having sex and would probably be delighted if you told them their Dad isn't getting any with their mum! They won't relate it to their own life though until they're grumpy and middle aged to 😉

If I was you I'd just focus on your own happiness rather than getting increasingly old and bitter... if and when you're kids tell you they are getting married I bet you'll be delighted and make a wonderful speech

Your

Shared active interests are one of the things that are (often) denied following commitment. For women, not having to run or swim or camp or windsurf together is a feature of marriage not a bug IME. It's almost as though they pretend to like fun stuff in order to catch a man. 🤔

You mean your wife does nothing fun?! And you think women don't want to enjoy life or have fun? They just want to marry a man and both live a miserable existence but together? I'm sorry but I really think that might just be a you/your relationship thing.

We should all educate our kids they shouldn't feel pressured to do anything they don't want to do (especially when it comes to deciding whether to have children of their own!!!). If you think doing this through showing them mumsnet posts will work for them, then go for it 😂

Tbf though if you are joking about killing your wife online... I'm guessing there may be valid reasons she isn't interested in a sexual relationship with you.

Yes. That is exactly, literally, what I think.

I genuinely think women prefer to clean up sick and cook family meals (and complain about doing it on facebook) than doing things that would be regarded as enjoyable.

I think women have a biological desire to nurture and work to look after things (dogs, cats, children) and they want a man to be there to take responsibility for funding it or moral support or whatever. Women are looking for domestic work and take deliberate steps to maximise domestic work.

So all the "Oh I'm just looking for a big of fun, nothing serious and I really like mucky sex and windsurfing." is just something women say on a first date to win a man. At that point he's hooked that all stops.

And yes, 19yo me would have thought that was a bat poo mental opinion, but 19yo me didn't have any married friends. I have quite a large sample count to base this opinion on.

Put it another way. Women will quote openly say men only want one thing. So if men only want one thing what is it that women want? Clearly several things that all require hassle and graft and expense.

(It feels good to get that out.)

I'm not saying there are not valid reasons not to sleep with me, that's entirely her decision. (There are literally billions of women who don't want to sleep with me. Probably a few extra after this thread.)

What I'm saying is that without marriage and children her deciding she doesn't fancy me would have zero drawbacks. And I think women have a pretty shrewd idea that a lot of the good stuff stops after marriage and they don't typically spell it out and offer the guy a guilt free exit.

Honestly mate If you believe all above to be true then you’ve got to leave. Staying is not doing you,your wife and your children any good.

You could both find someone else who could meet your needs. She could find someone who she can’t keep her hands of you could find someone so fun that irregular bad sex is of zero concern to you!

But if you’re at a point where even joking about bumping your wife off on a public forum that’s mainly populated by women then you’re in a bad place.

Truly wish all of you the best but I am out x

This is genuinely one of the silliest things I’ve ever read on the internet.

Lots of women want less sex when they’re in the trenches of raising children. Lack of sleep and the million little responsibilities we have don’t lend themselves to spontaneous sex. This is very easy to understand. I’d feel ‘conned’ or ‘tricked’ personally if my partner spent his time making weird sexist posts on mumsnet!

Is that you, Donald? Yes, I would agree that Melania was only ever in it for the money—we could all see it from a mile away.

The rest of us aren’t so “shrewd” as you so eloquently describe it, and do actually enjoy connecting with our husbands.

So no point in commitment of any kind, couples can just stay together because they're happy and living the dream.

We have no children and a very comfortable life, but my wife seems dead from the waist down and has no interest in sex with me, or anyone else for that matter - she doesn’t even masturbate.

So I feel your pain, you won’t change her.

i appreciate you don’t want to leave her, but what if you cross paths with a woman who wants and needs sex, someone who really wants you?

There is no better feeling!

That’s not how I view it. You do you, Boo.

So you think commitment is necessary, even though both partners are highly likely to remain so close for their entire lives that their sex life remains constantly terrific. 🤔

I was thinking of posting but you articulated it far better than I could have.

The whole 'she planned it from the beginning' sounds a bit like the words of an incel. I'm sure it's sometimes happens like that but not it the vast majority of cases. Life happens, things and priorities change.

Life does happen and priorities do change.

But in the vast majority cases, and in the absence of a genuine and severe medical reason, simply opting out of a sex life just because you can is going to make your husband completely miserable. At least it will if you expect it to still be in the context of a committed, monogamous marriage, where you remain the only person in the universe who can fulfil his desires, but refuse to do so.

And it's not exactly easy for him to do anything about it. As the OP says, what sort of a man leaves his wife and children because he's not getting enough sex?

If you're a wife who has done this, it suggests you don't care about your husband's happiness. Maybe you care in other ways, but you don't think it counts when it comes to sex. I bet you'd care if he was getting it elsewhere.

The OP wife is having sex with him once a month still (although seems like she would rather not) and has said if he wants more they should split. What more can she do?!

She should be truly honest with her husband.

Don't have sex with him at all if she doesn't want to. By doing so she is essentially stringing him along, giving him the occasional nugget of false hope that things might improve when she knows they won't and she doesn't want them to.

Acknowledge how miserable it's making him. Does she care about this or not? Tell him either way.

Actually think about what sort of life and marriage she wants, and tell him. Tell him exactly why she doesn't want to have sex with him any more.

She's unlikely to do any of this because these will be extremely difficult conversations that will make her have to face up to things she's able to ignore by just gritting her teeth and giving him as quick a shag as possible every couple of months.

I would guess that apart from the sex she quite likes the family life she has with her husband, doesn't want the hassle of a divorce, so has as little sex as she feels she possibly can without her husband leaving. She probably knows that he is very unlikely to leave because of this. So it's far easier to plod along with this half marriage.

Again, she should be honest with her husband.

I don't think there is room for false hope in this example. She has been quite specific about what she doesn't enjoy sexually and that she does not want the frequency to increase. If he is not ok with this she has suggested splitting up (divorce).

If he is not happy with this, his options are to give it time and remove pressure (young kids), improve their time together as a couple to see if this helps, suggest an open relationship, have an affair or leave.

Men have advised on here that as the kids grew up their wives came back sexually. But there are no guarantees in life so he just needs to make his choice?

He has no choice. He can't reasonably wreck his kid's lives because he's not getting sex.

He might even not be able to fund two separate households.

He's stuck and it's so easily avoidable. She could have just acknowledged up front that people change and people go off sex and suggested they take on the the minimum possible commitment. (None.)

Most likely she didn't do that because she wanted children and she didn't want to pick up the tab, she wanted him to pay and not be able to get out when she moved the goalposts.

Are you a passenger in your own life? You chose to get married, you chose to have children, you are choosing not to leave. Others choose what suits them too!

In your case your wife likely isn't interested in you sexually after realising you are the kind of man who jokes about murdering her online. Ick 😂