Not how I expected it to be

[Namechanged006]

Been with my wife over 12 years, married 7 years and when we got together the sex was incredible and mindblowing and nothing like I’ve ever experienced. Underwear was always sexy and it was all brilliant. I know people will say it’s the honeymoon period which I get but it’s genuinely like the woman i dated and the one I married are polar opposites.
She mentioned recently that she hates giving blowjobs, hates wearing thongs or dressing up and finds toys pointless and she only wants sex In missionary and my hands can’t move anywhere near her hair or face or even be on the pillow and must be basically by her side and we now only have sex once a month/6 weeks.
we have busy lives and our youngest child comes in our room every night.
Ive mentioned it in the past that I need regular sex and it’s always been the same response of ‘well if you don’t like it then split up’ but I just feel like I could never end my marriage because of that and i would feel so selfish and embarrassed but at the same time we are only here once.
I genuinely feel like I was sold a dream with my wife and i don’t really know what to do. If I knew she didn’t like sex and is happy with it once every so often I don’t think it would have progressed to where we are now.
is anyone else in a similar position?

Well the OP's used to, but doesn't any more. He's not the only man this has happened to.

Well yes! Thats what I said in my first post 😂

Speak for yourself. I've been married 12 years and sex is just as hot as it was when we started seeing each other 15 years ago.
You sound misogynist. No wonder your wife doesn't want sex with you.
It's not her, it's you.

I feel I must reply to this as in my post I said it was my wife’s hormones was the problem as it was
but her hormones made her very violent towards me
she tried to stab me twice pulled me out of the bed by my testicles scratch my face when I was sleeping etc.
before this she was the most loving person
but she was ill because of her hormones,
I couldn’t just walk away from a marriage and children because she was medically ill
it wasn’t easy and I did have a breakdown later in life but as I said I now have my loving wife marriage and children
if something is good it worthwhile fighting for
thanks for letting me say this

Which is absolutely fine. But at least TELL your husband this, instead of stringing him along.

Glad you're finding this so funny, you aren't really contributing much of value to this discussion though.

In your opinion? Odd thing to say! And also quite revealing

Wouldn’t it be lovely if The Sale of Goods Act applied to our spouses? Just imagine - you could insist that your wife be fixed, or be given a free replacement that is fit for purpose!!

Read an article recently that concluded that across the animal kingdom social monogamy might be the rule but sexual profligacy is very common.

I think it was based on DNA studies of Albatrosses?

Certainly seems to be rare that sexual intimacy is long term whereas social and economic bonding are.

Viewing it as a “wife” problem rather than a couple problem is likely to be exacerbating the issue

i was joking - just chill, it’s Friday!

I’m glad you were joking 🙂

Some of the other views expressed on here have been a bit concerning

Totally agree. I've always wondered what type of man would buy one of those 'realistic dolls'. I think I now know 😂

Talking about their wives like they only have one function. And if that's not fulfilled they joke about murdering her.

Luckily Love Honey normally has a sale on!

The guy joking about murdering his wife is clearly an idiot.

OP. One more thing I would say to you is to remember to look after yourself. Your wife is showing you she has no problem putting her own needs above your own (NOR SHOULD SHE), so do the same, whatever that looks like for you. Gym, hobbies, nights out with friends. She is showing you what kind of marriage she wants. Unfortunately for you it's not the same kind of relationship you had previously.

Respond in kind and look after number one.

@NCForThatForumM

You're obviously speaking from lived experience. I think we can all agree on that.

That experience being that your wife pre-marriage was fun? Fun to be with? Into mucky sex, as you put it? You were attracted to her? You enjoyed your time together? We can only assume that yes is the answer because as you say...
they know noone would sign up to a life of misery ... you wouldn't stay with someone who wasn't fun, who was miserable and unenthusiastic about sex.

... and then, poof! She got a ring on her finger and all the "good stuff" stopped. But up until that point, it was all good?

Was this intended for me? I'm not the OP, just a punter spouting my opinions.

Yes, for you.

You've said you're in a sexless marriage and I think most of us will have put 2 and 2 together.

You've said no-one would sign up to a life of misery. That includes you?

I don't really want to discuss it, sorry. Genuine thanks for showing an interest, though.

Oh come on, don't go shy on us now! You've banged on so much about women conning and tricking men by being these fun, sexual creatures before marriage and changing when the rings on the finger. You must have been happy before you got married or you wouldn't hold that view. It's plain as day.

What's your point, caller?

Just asking. He's coming on here, making remarks about killing his wife. Something along the way has made him angry so I'm asking if he too had a wonderful relationship that changed once he got married.

It's not a hard question. Was your relationship good before marriage? Yes/no.

Right. It just sounded like you had some kind of mic-droppin' bombshell up your sleeve ready to detonate when he revealed how happy he was before. No doubt to prove decisively how misogynist he is and how much he deserves what's happened to him.

As the other guy doesn't seem to be playing any more I wondered if you'd like to share it anyway?

These guys whose wives reject them sexually always reveal themselves to be so misogynistic and just... unpleasant! And that's after just a few posts on a forum! Goodness knows what they would be like to live with!!

Is it REALLY such a mystery to them why they are no longer desired?!

So you are suggesting that the husband's anger, bitterness and resentment is somehow innate and is therefore the cause, rather than the consequence of long-term consistent sexual rejection by the only person in the world they are able to turn to for fulfilment.

And this realisation of course only dawns on their wives after commitments have been made, at which point they claim to hate what they previously appeared to very much enjoy. The wives revert to minimum-effort duty sex without explanation.

This seems unlikely to me, but possibly the case in some situations I suppose 🤷

More likely I think is that these women have a very low baseline sex drive, which only became higher temporarily, in the emotional rush and flurry of the initial stages of a relationship. After that's over and done with and the commitments are made, they revert to their baseline. Presumably they were expecting their now-husbands to do the same?

The man didn't really have a way of foreseeing this and just got unlucky.

@MerlotMisery - nope, no mic-drop bombshell from me. Just an enquiry as to his life pre-marriage. Was he in a happy relationship prior to marriage? It's a simple question with a simple answer.

Maybe it is misogynistic to state that women are con artists who use sex as a weapon to hook men and condemn them to a life of misery. There are women on here who are in sexless marriages as their husbands have gone off it. And yes, you'll get the odd "LTB, life's too short" but you also get "could he be depressed? Could he be ill?" We look for reasons why he might have gone off it, I'm not sure anyone has ever gone straight to "he was obviously conning me into a marriage when he knew he'd go off me." But when women go off sex we're called snakes with tits!

If you're a man married to a woman in a sexless marriage then yes, you'll see her as the problem. If you're a woman married to a man in a sexless marriage, you'll see him as the problem. But at the end of the day it's a problem that people have. Men and women.