Not how I expected it to be

[Namechanged006]

Been with my wife over 12 years, married 7 years and when we got together the sex was incredible and mindblowing and nothing like I’ve ever experienced. Underwear was always sexy and it was all brilliant. I know people will say it’s the honeymoon period which I get but it’s genuinely like the woman i dated and the one I married are polar opposites.
She mentioned recently that she hates giving blowjobs, hates wearing thongs or dressing up and finds toys pointless and she only wants sex In missionary and my hands can’t move anywhere near her hair or face or even be on the pillow and must be basically by her side and we now only have sex once a month/6 weeks.
we have busy lives and our youngest child comes in our room every night.
Ive mentioned it in the past that I need regular sex and it’s always been the same response of ‘well if you don’t like it then split up’ but I just feel like I could never end my marriage because of that and i would feel so selfish and embarrassed but at the same time we are only here once.
I genuinely feel like I was sold a dream with my wife and i don’t really know what to do. If I knew she didn’t like sex and is happy with it once every so often I don’t think it would have progressed to where we are now.
is anyone else in a similar position?

Sorry, can you spell it out to me like I'm 4? There appears to be no connection whatsoever between what I wrote and what you said in response. (Which is ironic given what I wrote!)

Being single increases your potential pool of sex partners from one, to potentially every one in the world. Those ought to be good enough odds for anyone!

Ha ha true. Definitely increases your chances!

In the literal sense no-one needs sex. There are many men and women not getting any and we're all still alive and kicking. No-one is going to die without it.

In the literal sense all we really need is air, food, water, shelter, clothing, health, money?

And my sexual needs aren't currently being met.

....and AYP's private message folder literally melts.

OK. So you and I go on a date and you say "I don't ever want to settle down/marry" but all I hear is "he wants to marry me". (An unlikely scenario... all of it)

If you don't want to get married then how do we end up so?

And let's not forget, not everyone is as clear as that. Sometimes they say "I don't want to settle down yet..." That's definitely happened.

I'm not sure I agree. A number of men on this thread have said if they knew their wives weren't that keen on sex then they wouldn't have committed.

Your second comment - that's kinda what I'm saying. He isn't that keen on her (except for sex) so she uses the sex to keep him interested.

I wonder if this is a good time to mention Oxytocin? 🤔

Undeniably true, however I expect it will be scant comfort to any man on the receiving end of endless shite excuses from his previously insatiable wife.

@AtYourPleasure I suspect the men on this thread know they would not easily get sex even if they were single. Hence their reluctance to leave when they may get a little sex from their wives.

However, it is said that most men won't leave their wife for the OW. So presumably they choose to stay in a sexless/less sex marriage with the woman they love rather than leave to be with the OW who would offer a lot more sex. I don't think this would be the same for most women having affairs?

Annoyingly I can't quote your post but that was in reply to you saying you don't think men would marry/stay with a woman if they loved her despite sub par sex.

Indeed. And probably not very comforting to any woman on the receiving end of endless shite excuses from her previously insatiable husband.

I suspect the men on this thread know they would not easily get sex even if they were single. Hence their reluctance to leave when they may get a little sex from their wives. - yes, I'm in total agreement.

However, it is said that most men won't leave their wife for the OW. So presumably they choose to stay in a sexless/less sex marriage with the woman they love rather than leave to be with the OW who would offer a lot more sex. I don't think this would be the same for most women having affairs? - I do know of 1 man who left for the OW and are still together 15+ yrs later. Appreciate that this is probably rare. Can't comment on the ins and outs of marriage number 1 but there were young children involved, so there was sex of some sort!

Annoyingly I can't quote your post but that was in reply to you saying you don't think men would marry/stay with a woman if they loved her despite sub par sex. - I didn't mention love. There were a few comments from men saying had they known she wasn't that interested in sex or that things would change so drastically then they wouldn't have committed. IMO he can't have been that into her as a person in the first place. She could well have been the most loving, supportive, fun, smart, beautiful woman in the world - but if he knew she only wanted sex every 6 weeks none of that would have mattered. He wouldn't have committed.

And ofcourse, if that's what he wants he has every right to go find it.

I suspect the men on this thread know they would not easily get sex even if they were single. Hence their reluctance to leave when they may get a little sex from their wives.

There is no way men are staying in a sexless, joyless marriage because they think they're better off staying put. There's an awful lot of fun to be had in this world when you're not trapped in a domestic life with multiple people in tow even if you're not snagging a different woman every weekend. There's no benefit whatsoever in a housemate who isn't a real companion. If you're a woman you get your house, car and appliences maintained free of charge, you likely get to quit work or work part time. if you're a man you get nothing but added stress and difficulty and expense. Men are not staying in shit relationships out of self interest, it's the exact opposite.

Most women work and I don’t think maintaining car house and appliances is anyway comparable the massive burden of domestic labour experienced by many women.

Women work, on average less than men. As for domestic burden, when I lived alone my house was spotless, immaculately tidy and perfectly organized and it was a doddle to keep it that way.

And so what? If we assume you're correct, all that really means is that joyless marriages are also miserable for women, and women would be far better off not having children which I'm sure is true.

I don't think men in these situations are thinking "great, my life sucks but at least I can take pleasure in the fact my wife is bearing a massive burden of domestic labour".

Moreover why on earth aren't the people on the relationships threads who are trying to get blokes to marry them being told "Don't do it, you'll need to bear a massive burden of domestic labour.". It almost as though that's the life women actually want. 🤔

The domestic burden is relevant because it impacts on libido especially if there is inequity. It may not be the case for your own situation but I think it is in many cases.

It has taken me 40 years but I am finally in a healthy relationship where we equally share in tasks. I feel like part of a team and neither of us sits down to relax until we both sit down.

There are often replies on the relationship board advising women not to move in with or marry men where they will be landed with the domestic burden.

and if men are getting such a raw deal why do married men live on average longer than single men but married women live on average less than single women 🤔

Is this really as much of a thing?

You do hear about it from time to time in these forums. But in real life, any couple I've known where the man seems to have gone off sex, in 100% of the cases he was actually getting it elsewhere.

Again, not really making a compelling case for marriage here. The fact it's even worse for women than for men isn't much comfort.

My ex husband went off sex for a year after I had our first child and for all that he was a massive twat, I don’t think for a second he was unfaithful. I read recently that men’s testosterone levels drop after having a child which would perhaps explain it

Perhaps some of it is misplaced effort. As if the woman somehow sees doing all the chores and cooking all the meals and generally looking after the family as some kind of substitute for physical affection.

Often, the woman will go above and beyond to find extra jobs to do that are by no means necessary. And claim that she has so much to do, how can she possibly find the energy for sex too?

Again it follows on from the earlier suggestion that some wives prefer clearing up sick to physical intimacy.

So while his wife is sitting at home feeling undesirable because he's gone off sex he's off screwing someone else. You say that very matter of fact, like it's OK. Surely if they've gone off sex with their wives they should be upfront and tell her?

But hey, who knows, maybe the wives of our sexless marriage PPs are actually out screwing another man!

What?? No I fucking don't, I think it's awful behaviour.

But hey, who knows, maybe the wives of our sexless marriage PPs are actually out screwing another man!

Definitely something to consider.

This whole blaming marriage for lack of sex is ridiculous.

OK, we have two couples.

Couple A: together 20yrs, married 10. They cohabit. Run a home. Work. Have children.

Couple B: together 20 years, never married. They cohabit. Run a home. Work. Have children.

Both couples go through exactly the same life stresses that comes with cohabiting, parenting and life in general. But couple B must be having a ton of sex because they aren't married. That's what's actually being said here because "women change after marriage."

Yes there are sexless marriages - for men and women. There are also plenty of marriages with regular sex.

I think it's "significant commitment" being blamed rather than marriage itself. So, owning a house, having children. Anything that indicates to the woman that she doesn't need to bother her arse making an effort with the relationship any more and can concentrate on other things.

If I was (hypothetically) in that situation I'd be totally fine with it.

Hypothetical wife could say "Look, I can't bring myself to touch you, but we need to give our kids a stable home so I have to stay with you. Would it be OK if I slept with other people?" I'd be OK with that, at least one of us would have some joy in our lives. But if hypothetical wife was capable of communicating like that I suspect the marriage wouldn't be joyless and sexless in the first place, compromises would already have been found. 😢