Not how I expected it to be

[Namechanged006]

Been with my wife over 12 years, married 7 years and when we got together the sex was incredible and mindblowing and nothing like I’ve ever experienced. Underwear was always sexy and it was all brilliant. I know people will say it’s the honeymoon period which I get but it’s genuinely like the woman i dated and the one I married are polar opposites.
She mentioned recently that she hates giving blowjobs, hates wearing thongs or dressing up and finds toys pointless and she only wants sex In missionary and my hands can’t move anywhere near her hair or face or even be on the pillow and must be basically by her side and we now only have sex once a month/6 weeks.
we have busy lives and our youngest child comes in our room every night.
Ive mentioned it in the past that I need regular sex and it’s always been the same response of ‘well if you don’t like it then split up’ but I just feel like I could never end my marriage because of that and i would feel so selfish and embarrassed but at the same time we are only here once.
I genuinely feel like I was sold a dream with my wife and i don’t really know what to do. If I knew she didn’t like sex and is happy with it once every so often I don’t think it would have progressed to where we are now.
is anyone else in a similar position?

@AtYourPleasure

Interesting points.

I would say that this is primarily a female-focussed forum and the standard assumption is that it's no wonder the man is getting no sex. Either because he does nothing to help around the house or with the children, or is simply generally misogynistic and unpleasant as @Gymbunny2025 suggests above, and therefore deserves everything he gets (or in this case doesn't get).

This will however frustrate any man desperate enough to post here on this subject, because he will most likely have spent quite some time trying to think of possible reasons and things he could do about it, and eventually realised that even if he were to win some kind of Spouse of the Century award, he still wouldn't be getting any more sex than he already is, because his wife has simply "opted out". Usually without providing any clue whatsoever as to why.

I think why you possibly see this on here is that it appears that a good few Men come on here to late when the marriage IS sexless or very infrequent and unfortunately the inevitable Ick has set in for a while in their partners eyes. As with many things prevention is better than a cure.

I have been married for a while since we were both young and MN has helped open my eyes to some of my failings as a partner and parents in the form of advice on threads, books and pod casts that I may have never found without it along with its heavily female prospective can be refreshing if you are prepared to listen.

Maybe if some of these guys would have found this place sooner they may have taken a different route to improve their situation. I do agree that many come across as unpleasant and misogynistic on here and on the relationship board when within a few posts the "mask slips" with the inevitable pile on when they say I "help around the house" .

However, I also think that for both men and women if one partner in a long-term relationship that is loving and successful just decides that the other person should now be celibate too then that will cause anger, resentment, and sadness. This is when it can’t be turned around if you don’t accept that fact you are now involuntarily celibate, and the only option is to leave the life you have bult together.

There is a very similar situation on relationships today with the reverse of this thread which is equally as sad.

This is a very well balanced, sensitive and truthful post

A person (man or woman) looking for answers, listening to the female perspective (if they are a man), wanting to improve things are understandable.

But a lot of men on these posts have been incredibly unkind about their wives (saying they were tricked, saying they prefer clearing up sick than having fun, joking about murdering them) and aggressive and misogynistic when they are given advice they don't like.

As someone said upthread lack of sex is often the canary for a whole relationship problem. These men need to look to themselves before they become 'bitter and resentful' about all women.

I'm sure @AtYourPleasure doesn't need any defence from me, but FWIW, it was a reasonable question. I just don't want to be drawn in.

I'm sure @AtYourPleasure doesn't need any defence from me, but FWIW, it was a reasonable question. I just don't want to be drawn in.

You're correct on both counts!

After everything you've spouted on this thread, you don't want to be drawn into further discussion? You're happy to joke about bumping off your wife but you can't say if you were once in a happy, fun relationship?

Thankyou, and yes.

I'm happy to spout my opinions in general, and chew over other people lives, but specifics of my own life, nah.

Respect to the OP for doing it, though - that took guts.

Red pill nonsense?

You were happy to mention you are in a sexless relationship. That's pretty specific.

If I did (I don't think I did, I've been talking about the OP) I regret it, and that's all the more reason not to further personalise this to myself. Quite flattered by the interest, though.

You did. Page 2, if you need a reminder.

OK, sorry I got that wrong.

You said you were living a joyless domestic existence, no sex, but in another post you couldn't blame your wife for that. You got married young and your dad tried to explain that your fiancé may want kids (you didn't but appear to have had them anyway!)

#worstepisodeofthisisyourlifeever 😢🤦‍♀️

Interesting use of female emoji. Do you pretend to be a woman on mumsnet?

I can't see the post about getting married young?

It was in his deleted post. His Dad gave him a birds and bees talk before marriage apparently so he can't have been that old (surely 😂)

Dunno what it looks like on your phone but to me it looks androgynous.

she said she will never do that although she used to even to the point where I’ve woke up to her giving me a hand job and blowjob which was incredible but she said that was all to impress me and get a boyfriend but she actually doesn’t like any of that stuff.

Did she really say that? 😳

The uncommitted truth: A lot of you who are reminiscing about the wild sex you had with your partner before marriage. You do realise that most women fake orgasms, right?!

So this ground breaking, earth shattering sex was clearly not as amazing for her as it was for you.

Most Women do not bypass DECENT sex I'm excluding hormone/mental health issues.

Most men cannot tell whether their wife has cum or not. Most wives are pleased about this fact.

Take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself whether you would want to sleep with you, if you were the opposite sex

The uncomfortable truth

Take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself whether you would want to sleep with you, if you were the opposite sex

@Letstalkaboutsex76 I think you'll find the answer to be yes!

*AtYourPleasure * I think you'll find the answer to be yes!

If you are one of the posters mentioning about a dexless marriage: If your answered is yes, and her answer is clearly no, why is there a disconnect?

There is a reason why things aren't happening between the sheets and you are the reason. Btw, that's not at all meant to sound how it will come across on paper, but...I can give you a few honest reasons of why I dreaded/did not want sex with a past significant other..obviously, they are my reasons, alone..

FFS, sexless