Not how I expected it to be

[Namechanged006]

Been with my wife over 12 years, married 7 years and when we got together the sex was incredible and mindblowing and nothing like I’ve ever experienced. Underwear was always sexy and it was all brilliant. I know people will say it’s the honeymoon period which I get but it’s genuinely like the woman i dated and the one I married are polar opposites.
She mentioned recently that she hates giving blowjobs, hates wearing thongs or dressing up and finds toys pointless and she only wants sex In missionary and my hands can’t move anywhere near her hair or face or even be on the pillow and must be basically by her side and we now only have sex once a month/6 weeks.
we have busy lives and our youngest child comes in our room every night.
Ive mentioned it in the past that I need regular sex and it’s always been the same response of ‘well if you don’t like it then split up’ but I just feel like I could never end my marriage because of that and i would feel so selfish and embarrassed but at the same time we are only here once.
I genuinely feel like I was sold a dream with my wife and i don’t really know what to do. If I knew she didn’t like sex and is happy with it once every so often I don’t think it would have progressed to where we are now.
is anyone else in a similar position?

Several woman in this thread have acknowledged unchallenged that the problem is that the men are unattractive to the women, not that the women have randomly gone off sex. So yeah, seems plausible.

Having read the posts on here I wonder why some people get married
for me it was a deep love for my now wife dear god yes I love sex but being with this wonderful woman is more important because of the relationship we have together
there has to be more wrong in their relationships that’s there is no spark that makes it not worth while carrying on
if anyone wants to reply to this please read my other posts on the op’s post.

@MerlotMisery Well no, it's not "significant commitment" that's being blamed. It is very specifically marriage. No-one has said "my long-term partner/GF/SO no longer wants to have sex'. It's 'my wife'." It's sexless marriage, not sexless committed but unwed relationship.' The OP (who seems to have disappeared) even said the woman he dated and the woman he married were completely different people.

Are you in the same situation Merlot?

It seems you're one of few who married for love. I'm told often by men that men only marry because they've been conned, trapped or emotionally blackmailed into it. Women are apparently so powerful no man can ever break free from us.

It's nice to hear that you and your wife have a good relationship.

Any man who married because they were conned, blackmailed have have a good look at their judgment on situations
I have known men getting lust mixed up with love and when the sex is gone nothing remains
as far as leaving a relationship I have no experience but I imagine it must be very difficult and daunting to imagine the future.

I think we can all agree that men and women are wired differently. It's not that women just don't "fancy" their husbands anymore. I could be with someone I still find physically attractive but when it becomes that he doesn't show an interest in me (asking about my day, the little things, making the sex all about him etc etc, even though I do those things for him), that's when I find him unattractive. It changes everything.

It's most likely the way men feel when they are rejected sexually. Unwanted.

You can say "Men don't want to hear about your day". Or "you could just tell me". Absolutely, but if I'm showing an interest in my partner then why can't they do the same? Oh wait, he's only interested in the sex!

Obviously I can't speak for all women, that's just IMO.

FWIW worth, I think we are talking about "significant commitment". Defining that is tricky but I suspect we all know what we're talking about.

"Any man who married because they were conned, blackmailed have have a good look at their judgment on situations" --- Yeah, when someone is coerced into doing something the problem definitely lies with the person being manipulated.

Just look at the relationship threads on MN. It's a constant stream of women trying to convince reluctant men to marry them. (And frequently the women don't seem to be fond of the men they're trying to get commitment from.)

Sorry but anyone who can’t read the situations that they are in or judge the person that they are with in any dealings in life want to have a good look at them selfs
how do they get through their day to situations

The emphasis has all been on marriage but certainly feel free to change your mind so it fits your argument.

The only reason anybody has said that is because it's approximately a sixth of the typing.

It's just a subject I take a keen interest in. I find the difference between men and women's viewpoints on the matter absolutely fascinating.

Just look at the relationship threads on MN. It's a constant stream of women trying to convince reluctant men to marry them. (And frequently the women don't seem to be fond of the men they're trying to get commitment from.)

If the reluctant men give in and marry them then that's their problem. Unless someone is holding a gun to your head then you're not being made to do anything. If you don't want to get married.... don't. It's not fucking rocket science. If I meet a guy tomorrow and he says he wants kids.... I'll have to walk away. I don't want one for a start, and I'm 43 - a pregnancy at my age carries a lot of risk. But mostly, I just don't want one.

So would that that logic apply to woman who gave in after being pressured for a painful or distressing sex act? She should have been mentally stronger, more ruthless in denying something someone else wanted?

No obviously any inflicting pain on any is by not right unless they a have mental problems

but yes that logic does apply if she’s being pressured to have painful sex she doesn’t have to read the situation it’s right in front of her face in neon lights walk away and don’t give in!!!

If you have genuinely been coerced into marriage then you should leave.

realistically though, how many women are actually promising to their fiances that they will continue to have a high libido throughout childrearing, work pressure, hormone changes ill health etc. It seems a completely unrealistic expectation.

Take a look at all the "'I'm trying to get my BF to marry me" threads and see how many times they're advised to warn the guy that libido is likely to drop off.

....and if the coercion is the old "whoops I accidentally got pregnant on holiday" scam then leaving means betraying your own child.

I very much doubt we'd have a 50% divorce rate if avoiding marriage was easy.

Take a look at all the "'I'm trying to get my BF to marry me" threads and see how many times they're advised to warn the guy that libido is likely to drop off.

....and if the coercion is the old "whoops I accidentally got pregnant on holiday" scam then leaving means betraying your own child.

I very much doubt we'd have a 50% divorce rate if avoiding marriage was easy.

really.

That's right!

These frustrated husbands should have known all along that their sex mad girlfriend was only ever going to be a temporary thing. I mean, come on!

Silly men.

But coercion is "the act or process of persuading someone forcefully to do something that they do not want to do"

As said by a PP, if that happened then "you" do need to get out. It is abusive. If she got pregnant to "trap" you and you decided you must marry her for the sake of your child then that is on you. You and you alone made that decision. You aren't betraying your child for wanting to pursue happiness of your own. What you're teaching them further down the line is that it is important to be happy in life. It is important not to stay in relationships that don't serve you. And trust me, there might not be any fights or arguments in the house but if there's no joy or a resentful attitude from either side, they'll know. You need to teach them that no-one should "coerce" them into anything. You could have done that by not staying in that relationship.

You said in your first post that the OP needs to stick it out until the kids are older. Brilliant idea that is! So basically, leave their mum when they're old enough. But old enough for what? Old enough to be more in tune with what's going on? Old enough to realise 'dad never loved mum'. They won't thank you for staying but they might well resent you for blowing their world apart just as they're embarking on adulthood (which is hard enough) when all they would ever have wanted was for you to be happy.

I realised I've used you as an example but it's meant for anyone who has found themselves in that situation.

I very much doubt we'd have a 50% divorce rate if avoiding marriage was easy.

And yet, so many have avoided it.

But what sort of a man leaves his wife and children because he isn't getting enough sex? A prince among men I believe is the commonly used phrase around here.

If only their wives could be just a little bit more like their old selves. They used to love it so much!

Or if they could perhaps use their words and explain exactly what their husbands could do to make this more likely.

That would bring these men so much happiness, and save all the pain, heartache and expense of divorce.

I don’t think it is unreasonable to leave your wife if she knows you are unhappy and won’t engage at all with finding a solution. That is different to leaving just for sex eg if there was a medical reason it wasn’t possible any more

You aren’t leaving your children, you could see them 50% of the time

But what sort of a man leaves his wife and children because he isn't getting enough sex? - a) the PP talked about a man only getting married because he was coerced into it through "baby-trapping". They didn't want to be married in the first place. If he had left the relationship (pre-marriage) both parties could have gone on to find happy, fulfilling relationships. Or stayed happily single. What kind of man marries a woman he doesn't want to be with, ruining both their lives?

b) because sex is important to them. If it wasn't they wouldn't be on here telling us that all women are she-devils because we're no longer putting out. If sex wasn't important they would be happy enough. But they aren't.

I don't think sex should be the be-all and end-all. But if its what is important to you then you do what you have to do.

Man refuses to get Married: Man to blame.

Man stays with his family because he thinks it's best for them: Man to blame.

Man leaves family to live the dream: Man to blame.

🤷‍♂️