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Original poster

My boyfriend likes to be fuc*ked up the bum!

289 replies

liliboard · 19/10/2019 23:49

So this is a long one.

And note, I'm deadly serious.

So me and my partner have been together for 11 years. His sex drive is waaaaay higher than mine. Which is cool. But my partner loves anal. And I don't mean my bum! He likes me to fuck him in the bum with, well, anything. Dildo, carrot, orange, my fist.
This all started within a year of our relationship. He admitted he liked some bum stuff and it's just evolved. At first I didn't mind and was interested in the new and exciting sex stuff we were doing. But as time has gone on I have hated it more and more. Dreaded it every time. It's like a chore. I really hate it. When he talks about wanting to 'suck my dick after I've fucked his arse' and 'i want your spunk up me' whilst we're in the moment just puts me off him completely. We've had countless arguments over it and I've just ended up basically saying 'i don't like it but I'll do it because you do'. But it's honestly making me find him less sexually attractive. And I feel it's completely ruining how I feel about him. We've talked loads about it and we even stopped doing it for a while which made me happy but him sad!! He says it's his way of release and takes away stress. And I get that. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot get away from feeling distant from him. I don't believe he is gay. We've got 2 kids together and are engaged (although yes , I know it can still happen) but I think he's maybe a little bit gay? Bi? I dunno.
Anyway. Any advice would be really appreciated and if anyone likes this stuff too , please, let me know!!!

OP posts:
Motoko · 20/10/2019 10:42

Everytime he gives you anal, despite you allowing it, he is raping you, because he KNOWS you do not want it, and are only doing it, to keep him happy. Rape. Think about that.

Please, please, please leave him. Contact Women's Aid (they're not just there for women who get beaten, it's ANY abuse, and you ARE being abused).

Also, do the Freedom Programme. It will show you what healthy relationships look like.

kristallen · 20/10/2019 10:44

If you're going to talk to him then please be ready to ONLY accept apologies, that he'll never treat you like that again, ever AND that he then doesn't, not even once.

No minimising, no attacking you, no sulking, no overly profuse apologies or huge crying, no manipulation. You've already said he's manipulative, so if you're giving him a chance to change it has to be one strike (as determined by you) and you're out.

CallMeRachel · 20/10/2019 10:51

There's actually more to this which doesn't help his case in any way, which I completely forgot about. He also puts pressure on me to do anal. As in he gives me anal. Again,he knows how much I hate it and yet he goes on about it all the time. To the point that I stupidly agreed to do it once a month. But haven't done it since July as I refuse to. I never thought about it before but I guess this is also manipulative and a form of sexual abuse.

@liliboard this is horrendous and I'm sorry I was one of the posters laughing earlier as I genuinely thought this was a weird wind up and expected it to be deleted.
I can see you're actually genuine, I guess I lead a sheltered life.

This man is disgusting and is using & abusing you. Please speak to someone in RL.

Original poster
liliboard · 20/10/2019 12:03

I'm sorry, I don't know how to tag people in posts but callmerachel, thank you for admitting your mistake. I get it, it's kinda funny on the surface. But actually I'm really struggling.
All these posts have left me in tears. What was I thinking? Why haven't I seen this sooner?

OP posts:
Coffeshopgirl · 20/10/2019 12:33

It’s easy to not see the bigger picture when we are living a situation. The important thing going forward is that you look after you.

Take some time, decide what it is that you want. Is the relationship salvageable? Do you want to be with this man still?

Don’t agree to anything that you are remotely uncomfortable with, trust your instinct.

Good luck Flowers

Marmozet · 20/10/2019 12:41

Please can you expand on how you get an orange up there?

Derbee · 20/10/2019 13:17

OP, I’m sorry because I also thought this was fake at first. But it’s is very upsetting. You are being sexually abused. I think you need to leave, because how can you stay with someone who has been sexually abusing you for years? Even if he says sorry, you still have that history. I would speak to someone (Women’s Aid, Refuge).

Bluerussian · 20/10/2019 13:20

Mamozet - the answer is, 'With difficulty'. Quite honestly, who would want to? I've heard of people going to A&E with lightbulbs up their bums. My husband lost a Q-tip/cotton swab in his ear and went to A&E who removed it with a long tube. When I asked online for advice I was told, "Tell them you have a lightbulb up your arse and you won't feel so stupid". That was a laugh but it does happen.

No need for you to be stressed by your husband's quirks. There are plenty of men who want an intimate, loving relationship with a woman that doesn't involve what you have described; indeed, they might well be put off by the thought of it.

We all know how difficult it is to separate but I do think you would ultimately feel better if you did and, as I said before, you'd be better friends with the man if you were not living with him.

Best wishes Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/10/2019 13:52

Oh my. This is awful reading. You are married to a manipulative man, who thinks nothing of treating you like his play toy. My dh said he wanted to do anal. I said no. That was that. Flowers

Starksforthewin · 20/10/2019 13:59

With every update, it gets worse and makes me think it is more likely he is gay.

He wears a blindfold while you are servicing him in these ways. He doesn’t even have to SEE he is with a woman.

He demands anal sex from you. What a surprise. You don’t want to do it, so he does it anyway. This makes him a rapist.

Do you have a daughter OP? If so, would you be happy thinking of her in this sort of relationship when she grows up?

You don’t need a ‘chat’ OP. That is far too cozy a word for what you need to say, which is many variations on the word ‘no’. If it were me, “now fuck off out of my life” would be the closing statement.

How in God’s name have you done this for 11 years? He has really done a number on you and I feel very sorry for you, but time to come to your own rescue now and end this shitty excuse for a partnership.

WellThisIsShit · 20/10/2019 14:04

Oh liliboard, don’t feel bad, of course you didn’t see it.

You had your partner being so manipulative and pushy, not all at one go, but slowly Slowly, and then on the other hand, you had no one to bounce ideas off, which really b helps.

I’m so glad you wrote this thread today. & got some some support, it will helps FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
liliboard · 20/10/2019 14:55

I'm no good with talking , I stutter and forget what I want to say so I wrote everything down. How it's a form of abuse, how I don't want to do it etc. I've sent it to him and i feel sick. I told him I wanted to speak to him but I had to go out for the afternoon and he wanted to know what it was about. So I sent it to him. I don't know if it was a bad idea to do It this way.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/10/2019 15:01

What did you send? Are you OK? Do you have family near by?

HairyDogsOfThigh · 20/10/2019 15:35

I think it's quite telling you can't even talk to him. A supportive partner would surely give you the time to say what you needed to. It sounds like if you are not completely prepared, he would run rings round you and twist your words. Again, not something a non abusive partner would do. I think you need to be clear in your mind where your (new) boundaries lie and get them written down. Then when he tries to twist your words, just keep referring back to your boundaries, restating them each time, refuse to be drawn into a negotiation. Your boundaries are not up for discussion, it is where you draw your line.

Starksforthewin · 20/10/2019 15:41

Well done for writing it down and sending it to him, OP. that was a good idea.

He is all kinds of bully and will no doubt try to persuade you again. Stand firm. Tell him this is a dealbreaker for you.

PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 20/10/2019 15:50

You poor, poor woman. I hope it all goes well for you. Please don't put any of this on yourself, you are a victim here, this is how abuse works.

When you say he would do anything for you, he won't drop the pressure will he? He loves his family but only on his terms, his selfish actions alone are going to break this family up, does this sound like someone who would do anything for his family?

The best of luck to you, I hope you find the strength to leave him.

Derbee · 20/10/2019 15:56

Well done for writing it down , and sending it @liliboard. This is the first step to stopping the abuse you are going through. You should be very proud of yourself.

TomorrowsPrincess · 20/10/2019 16:32

I laughed when I first started reading this.....
I'm sorry..... I shouldn't have, this is REALLY sad.
Have either of you every BOTH been happy, sexually, in this relationship?
It seems that while one is satisfied/happy, the other is not..... and something's gotta give. If you go along with this, you will break. If you refuse to give him what he sexually desires, he will break.
This could manifest into a million things..... cheating, arguments, one of you leaving.
If things aren't put down in words (written or verbal) and you both don't truely know how the other one feels then neither is going to know how you both feel.
The gay thing isn't the issue. It's what your doing to accommodate his sexual desires.
His sexuality isn't for you to figure out and his sexual desires aren't for you to fulfil at the price of your happiness.
You need to set some boundaries about what you are willing to do in the bedroom.... and I don't mean for him.... for you! If you don't want to put anything up his bum, then don't! He can quite easily scratch that itch himself with a sex toy.
I would withhold from doing anything sexual with each other until your issues are dealt with.
Good Luck OP

WellThisIsShit · 20/10/2019 17:13

Oh lovey, I hope it goes alright Flowers

gamerchick · 20/10/2019 17:18

Good for you OP.

If he says those immortal words about how you were happy enough at the beginning. Tell him you're not happy now and it stops here.

Derbee · 20/10/2019 17:30

Exactly. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, regardless of what has happened before. Your new boundaries start now

xpc316e · 20/10/2019 17:59

There are two really important aspects to this thread. The first is that the OP is being abused and pressurised; that is a matter that needs to be urgently sorted out.

The second is the ignorance of those who tell us that her partner is gay. The part(s) of one's body that one likes to have sexually stimulated have no bearing on one's sexuality. What makes all the difference is the gender of the person whom you prefer to perform the stimulation in question.

The anus is rich in nerve endings and for many there is pleasure in stimulating it. The prostate in a man is the equivalent of the G Spot in a woman. Having his anus/prostate stimulated does not make a man gay - unless he chooses to have another man do it.

The level of ignorance shown here is worrying.

Original poster
liliboard · 20/10/2019 18:30

Thank you all. I actually posted this post in the hope someone was doing the same sexual things and was going to tell me it was ok and it's 'normal'. But what's actually been pointed out to me is far more than I ever expected. It's a lot to take in.

We are having a chat once the kids are in bed (they're 4 and 2) but he has already said he's feeling very low from what I've said. He doesn't seem annoyed. I just hope it doesn't end up me feeling sorry for him and ME saying sorry to HIM. which is what generally happens. I know I sound a bit pathetic and like I have no back bone but it's honestly the hardest kind of conversation to have. But now I have some advice from you guys, I feel a lot more prepared. So thank you x

OP posts:
user1498572889 · 20/10/2019 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

readitandwept · 20/10/2019 18:35

He feels low from what you've "said"?

Be sure to tell him you feel degraded, violated, disrespected, used, and low because of what he's DONE for 11 bloody years

Stay strong, OP. Never apologise for asserting your own sexual boundaries.

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