My boyfriend likes to be fuc*ked up the bum!

[liliboard]

So this is a long one.

And note, I'm deadly serious.

So me and my partner have been together for 11 years. His sex drive is waaaaay higher than mine. Which is cool. But my partner loves anal. And I don't mean my bum! He likes me to fuck him in the bum with, well, anything. Dildo, carrot, orange, my fist.
This all started within a year of our relationship. He admitted he liked some bum stuff and it's just evolved. At first I didn't mind and was interested in the new and exciting sex stuff we were doing. But as time has gone on I have hated it more and more. Dreaded it every time. It's like a chore. I really hate it. When he talks about wanting to 'suck my dick after I've fucked his arse' and 'i want your spunk up me' whilst we're in the moment just puts me off him completely. We've had countless arguments over it and I've just ended up basically saying 'i don't like it but I'll do it because you do'. But it's honestly making me find him less sexually attractive. And I feel it's completely ruining how I feel about him. We've talked loads about it and we even stopped doing it for a while which made me happy but him sad!! He says it's his way of release and takes away stress. And I get that. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot get away from feeling distant from him. I don't believe he is gay. We've got 2 kids together and are engaged (although yes , I know it can still happen) but I think he's maybe a little bit gay? Bi? I dunno.
Anyway. Any advice would be really appreciated and if anyone likes this stuff too , please, let me know!!!

I just hope it doesn't end up me feeling sorry for him and ME saying sorry to HIM. which is what generally happens

He will follow the same pattern because it WORKS. This time, even if you feel sorry for him. Tell him that it's stopping and he can feel sad about it all he wants. It's something he'll have to get used to.

Then you'll see what he's made of, the way he behaves after that. Does he actually give a toss about your feelings over his own pleasure.

speak those words to him. "this is something you feel bad low about?well im afraid you should and i cant allow you to make me feel bad for your wrong doings anymore.i wont allow myself to be reeled in.you have hurt me,you are in the wrong.and it IS time you felt bad about doing this to me"
you sound as if you want to sort this out?to talk mean your prepared to get through this.and i dont think this is right.there is so much wrong here with whats been going on for you op.noone should ever do or then make you become and feel the person you have become.noone who loves you does the things he has.
please be patient with yourself.dont think if he says he will work on this then it is ok.beause will he.or will u be posting in years to come about him somehow managing to have groudn yo down to his bidding again.
he shouldnt need to stop this.he shouldnt have been doing it to start with!think of that before you carry on.please.

Never apologise for asserting your own sexual boundaries

Read this comment from @readitandwept over and over again, if you feel like apologising to him. Seriously, repeat this to yourself over and over again.

Thinking of you OP. I'm quite amazed - impressed - at how fast you're reacting!! To have the conversation is a big deal and you have gone straight to do it. I hope it goes well, but whatever happens in it, please pat yourself on the back for how you dealt with this part.

Rapists don't get to feel bad when they're victims ask them to stop raping them.

Contraceptionismyfriend that hit me hard.thankyou

im impressed also op that yo stuck around on her for support too.that take guts.so you can see the stregnth in you.you can do this.

Good luck OP. You are really brave. Keep us updated.

God, I’m so sorry Op, I commented on the oranges thing as well, I genuinely thought it was going to be a wind up, I just couldn’t imagine anything so absurd being remotely part of someone’s sex life.

I’ve had a similar thing with my dh, except he isn’t anything like yours with the controlling etc. He likes me to cover myself from head to toe in Lycra body stockings and tights. I bloody hate it, I feel absolutely ridiculous and also if he can’t see my face it’s like he’s having sex with someone else. He assures me that’s not that case and that I look fantastic. I’ve knocked it on the head now though, I just didn’t like it. Well, I told him he can have a little dress-up when I get my new car but as he seems dead bloody against that I think he’s got a long wait.

The difference is he’s not mentioned it again. He knows I’m serious and he won’t question me. He respects my opinion. I’m so sorry your dh is such an abusing twat and I hope you find the strength to resolve it.

I'm Just popping on to say that sometimes it's okay, and entirely appropriate to allow somebody to feel low (ashamed, disgusted with themselves, etc). We as women so often feel responsible for other people feeling good. It's usually a good thing to cheer somebody up. Today it's not. Today please stop fixing him feeling low.

@MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig that’s a lovely apology Major props to you. X

@AliciaQuays thank you for saying so. The very idea of fruit related sex seemed hilarious at first and then the more you read, the more horrifying it became. Clearly the poor Op is so entrenched in this awful relationship that she thought the sex was the biggest problem. I don’t think she’s thinking that now and I feel so sorry for her.

Gah. We all get shit wrong.

This is why MN ask people not to troll hunt, and if you think a post is a wind up, to report it. With so many people taking the piss of OP earlier, she could have been run off the thread, and then end up putting up with being sexually assaulted, and raped, and too frightened of being ridiculed, to post again about it.

Thank fuck she stayed.

OP, I really don't think you should stay with him. If he turns on the tears, saying he didn't realise, etc, get angry, because he did know, you've told him lots of times, and all he's done is used emotional manipulation to get his own way.

A man who truly loves and cares for you, wouldn't dream of carrying on doing something that he knows you don't like. Not even once a month.

You are strong, ronger than you know. You can do this.

This is why MN ask people not to troll hunt, and if you think a post is a wind up, to report it. With so many people taking the piss of OP earlier, she could have been run off the thread, and then end up putting up with being sexually assaulted, and raped, and too frightened of being ridiculed, to post again about it.

And this is why a lot of genuine posters don’t or won’t post. And it’s very sad.

No. Pegging and anal doesn’t make him gay.

But continuing to take pleasure out of something that you know gives your partner no pleasure is pretty grim.

Hope the chat has went ok OP

And the piss taking continued after it was quite obvious it wasn’t teenage boys.
I’ve been slagged on here for calling out troll hunters. It’s about time we all stopped trying to be clever cunts

lliliboard, it's so encouraging to know you are seriously tackling this problem and it was a very good idea for you to put it in writing, we so often forget details when we're talking, especially if upset.

Please stick to your guns, you are being abused. Don't be concerned if he shows signs of being hurt, he should feel hurt knowing he hurts you! Deep down he must know he's in the wrong.

Good luck to you and please tell us how everything goes.

So a few hours later and the chat is done.

I haven't broken up with him, that can be the next chat if I feel it needs to happen.

The chat went lots of different ways and we touched upon all the things mentioned in this thread. He said some things that I disagreed with and I have upset him with my comments.

He's not gay, or even bi. I already knew this but wanted to give him the option to tell me just incase.

We won't be doing any more if the weird sex stuff and although he cried and made me feel awful, I stuck to my guns and haven't given in.

I know the sex stuff is odd but there really is more to it then he just likes it. So it's quite hard for him to let go of it. I basically asked if the sex stuff is more important than my happiness. He obviously said no but is upset it is stopping. I even told him he looked like he was sulking. Probably quite unsympathetic of me!!
It wasn't a bad conversation. A bit of conflict but not a huge amount. I just kept telling myself 'doing something sexual for someone, when it makes me feel uncomfortable isn't ok!' and I managed to get through the whole thing without apologising once! He apologised for various things.

I feel better but he obviously feels quite low about the whole thing. I'll give him a few days and hopefully he will feel better and realise your relationship is worth more than sex.

I wouldn't have done it without some of your advice. So I thank you. I'm glad I DID stick around even after some nasty comments.

I know this isn't really over completely yet and it will take time but it's a step. And I won't be taken for a sex slave!!

Glad you feel better, OP.

But I have to ask. Was he crying for how he's made you feel, or for himself?

I can't imagine crying if my boyfriend told me "no more oral".

Oh most probably crying for himself. Which I know doesn't sound great but maybe it will take some time for him to realise that it wasn't ok to make me do things I wasn't comfortable doing.

Well done! I'm so glad you stuck to your guns. Don't give in, if he is moody or silent tomorrow don't bow and give in and be doing stuff you don't like again next week to keep the piece.

He makes you do things he knows you don't like, coerced sex is not acceptable. He does things to you, that you don't like, coerced sex is not acceptable. Just keep repeating that to yourself.

If you want to do something because you love it and it really turns you BOTH on, then great, everyone is allowed their kinks but no one should do something they are not happy with or turned on by in a mutual respectful sexual relationship.

But OP, can you go back to regular sex? Does he make you orgasm? Does he care about your sexual fulfilment? If he doesn't how do you see your sex life continuing from this point on?

Well done and respect to you @liliboard
Hopefully he will show more love understanding and respect towards you.

@xpc316e Having his anus/prostate stimulated does not make a man gay - unless he chooses to have another man do it.

The level of ignorance shown here is worrying.

What about him saying things like "spunk up my arse" when he's in the midst of being pegged?? Females don't produce spunk so I think you're a bit of a twat for attacking posters who, upon reading details like this, perfectly reasonably thought he may be gay.

Anyway, getting back to the main issue, his behaviour has been abusive and regardless of his sexuality, it's now been addressed.

He's always been happy to please me sexually. I'm just not bothered by sex unfortunately!

He said he says the dirtiest things he can think of to make him more turned on when I'm doing stuff to him. Hence the cum etc. He likes to feel like a 'slut' - queue the childish comments.

But anyway, it's done with and hopefully forever. But I will be interested to see if he can keep up with it or not. If he flakes then I know absolutely 100% I need to leave. I need to give myself and him a chance with all this new info that you guys have given me, so that I can make a much better decision. Like I said before, he is actually a decent guy and we get along great. But if it's too much for him to not be able to get that stuff anymore, I know what to do.

I just know now I'm going to have a very low few days with him. He will be quiet and sad etc. It's the part that I really hate.

Is he sulking to make you feel bad? Is he gaslighting you by pretending that your reaction to all this bullshit is your fault? Cos it’s not.

If he sulks, I would pull him up on it. I would say "are you trying to make me feel bad?."
Or "are you trying to punish me for being honest?"

Don't let him play the victim OP, show him you are wiser now and your not falling for his manipulative sexual ways. You don't enjoy it. You do not have a happy sex life, that's sad, you should be sad.

Without a happy sex life, what are you? Room mates? It's different if you are physically unable to, or over 80, but young couples should be having happy, fulfilling sex lives. You don't have this and splitting because of this is a completely acceptable reason. Remember that, if he pressures you into doing what he wants again, the sulking is a form of that.