My boyfriend likes to be fuc*ked up the bum!

[liliboard]

So this is a long one.

And note, I'm deadly serious.

So me and my partner have been together for 11 years. His sex drive is waaaaay higher than mine. Which is cool. But my partner loves anal. And I don't mean my bum! He likes me to fuck him in the bum with, well, anything. Dildo, carrot, orange, my fist.
This all started within a year of our relationship. He admitted he liked some bum stuff and it's just evolved. At first I didn't mind and was interested in the new and exciting sex stuff we were doing. But as time has gone on I have hated it more and more. Dreaded it every time. It's like a chore. I really hate it. When he talks about wanting to 'suck my dick after I've fucked his arse' and 'i want your spunk up me' whilst we're in the moment just puts me off him completely. We've had countless arguments over it and I've just ended up basically saying 'i don't like it but I'll do it because you do'. But it's honestly making me find him less sexually attractive. And I feel it's completely ruining how I feel about him. We've talked loads about it and we even stopped doing it for a while which made me happy but him sad!! He says it's his way of release and takes away stress. And I get that. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot get away from feeling distant from him. I don't believe he is gay. We've got 2 kids together and are engaged (although yes , I know it can still happen) but I think he's maybe a little bit gay? Bi? I dunno.
Anyway. Any advice would be really appreciated and if anyone likes this stuff too , please, let me know!!!

OP I think you're brave to post and ask for other people's opinions on your dilemma, sometimes that's the way we gauge what's acceptable and what isn't. If you can't talk to people in real life about something as long-term unsettling and distressing as this, it affects you deeply.

Really feel for you because I think your love for your partner and your children (trying to preserve the integrity of the family unit) makes you vulnerable to his demands, which seem like emotional blackmail as other posters have pointed out. Yes, there's nothing wrong as such with what he needs sexually, but unfortunately he has manipulated you into meeting those needs despite how uncomfortable and uncertain you feel about it. Seems like neither of you have been able to face the reality of the situation, which isn't healthy.

So tough for you, because if you draw a decisive boundary and refuse to perform his requests then you potentially risk losing the partnership. My view is that this is a conversation you need to have with someone who'll listen to you and focus on your needs and concerns while you explore the issue and find a way through to a resolution that frees you of the discomfort and sacrificing. Because I really feel like you are sacrificing something vital to you by going along with these very intimate requests that really don't reflect what you would like and need from a healthy sexual relationship of your own. Have you thought about counselling?

He’s gay. I’ve been there. He’s gay.

I am also sad that the teasing has continued when someone is clearly upset and struggling with a situation.

OP - In the early days of my current relationship, my DP would push for a particular type of role playing which, whilst not distressing, I found distasteful. He became mildly obsessed to the detriment of other sexual activity so, one day, I point blank refused to do it anymore.

In our case, we went on to develop a much more mutually enjoyable sexual life and I’m still with him. I was completely prepared, however, for the relationship to end as I couldn’t bear that he was ruining my sex life.

I understand the stakes are high in your case so you may want to explore other options (e.g. paying for specialist services) - but I really don’t think you can let things go on as they are. It is soul destroying.

Thanks for being brave enough to share.

All of the posters on here making jokes and LOLing about OPs situation should be ashamed of themselves.

OP - Pegging is a sexual act and does not make your DP gay/bi. It could be a domination thing or it could be that he enjoys his prostate being stimulated. (Yes, fisting is an actual thing too).

The only thing that matters is that you don't enjoy it. You gave it a try and did it for far longer than necessary considering how you feel. Just say no. Sit down and have a conversation setting your boundaries - are you happy for him to have a vibrator he can use when he's alone?

You may end up splitting but if he carries on insisting then you're going to split eventually and it's not going to be amicable. You need to put a stop to him grabbing you too.

Sorry I fell asleep! Thanks for some of your replies. I'm just ignoring the silly comments.
Some of you have made perfect sense. I never thought about being sexually abused before. I don't think I ever saw that as a thing! But yes, I hate doing it and yes I'm still doing it. He likes to be blindfolded which to be honest is fine by me as he then can't see me looking so incredibly bored/disgusted or even sometimes looking at my phone!

I think doing this for such a long time has become the norm for me and he seems to have completely made me feel as though if I dont do it, then I'm the one being unreasonable.

When I've brought it up before with him he's always said 'well you didn't mind when we first started doing it' which is true but like I said previously, it was different and new and I was intrigued. But now I wish I'd just said no from the off.

I've always thought he was quite manipulative to be honest. He's a very clever man and I'm not so great with words. I always seem to be the one to say sorry even if I feel he is in the wrong!

I have tried to leave him in the past, most recently last September. I was fully ready to go and told him. But he said he wasn't going to let that happen. Which in hindsight is a really shitty thing to say to someone who is clearly unhappy. I was annoyed with him but he promised to be better and we would work it out.

I've always said to him 'you only want to stay with me because who else would do that kind of thing to you' but of course he swears that's utter bull.

I don't know.

He does like to sexually pleasure me. But I actually don't want him to incase it turns into the other stuff So I just stay clear of anything sexual.

Oh God. I'm not surprised you have been turned off sex completely.

You do know that you don't have to argue this out in words? You can just say that it's over for you and leave. Just keep saying that until the door has shut. He can argue what he likes but it doesn't change that.

If you started this thread looking for opinions- in among the silly posts you can see that nobody thinks you should have to put up with this. He can go on being a great dad and coparent. If you had a plan before, you can execute it again.

I have been equally amused and disturbed by this post.

OP, if this is genuine, then please stop. Immediately. There is no way on earth DH or I would ever force the other into something that we don't like (and of course, we have over the years found each other's limits).

The conversations have gone like this:

´I didn't enjoy that/I don't really like doing that.'

'Ok, we won't do it again.'

End of discussion.

This has had zero impact on our relationship, and we have experimented to find things that we both enjoy.

Please do not settle for any less than that. If he really cannot live without pegging (Which is a thing), then perhaps you could find a professional to take care of this (together so it isn't a secret activity, just one you choose not to participate in).

He and the relationship sound worse and worse, liliboard. You and your boundaries have been ground down by him. To the point where you were stopped from leaving a relationship you actively wanted to leave, and regularly engage in sexual activity that you dread ie coercive sexual abuse.

How was he going to not “let” you leave? That sounds threatening and extremely controlling.

It doesn’t actually matter why he wants you to stay. Although, yes, what are his chances of getting another woman to fill your role sexually (if he’s not gay)?

If you want and need to go, then you could start a fresh thread, explaining your worries and practical difficulties about leaving. Without the details about his sexual demands, the oh-so-witty types who think it’s a joke won’t be attracted.

As a start, I would tell him very clearly that you are not willing to do any of the anal stuff ever again. You have been doing it under duress and you are no longer going to be coerced into it. In fact to stop him trying to push your boundaries sexually in another way, I would also say that you don’t want any sexual contact for the time being (you can decide when and if you ever do again.) Don’t get into a discussion about any of this. Don’t give him a chance to go through the old shame, guilt, pleading route again. It’s non-negotiable so no need for discussion. And his promises have proven to be lies.

If you don’t feel confident in being able to voice this, then write it down in a letter to him. (Keep a copy to remind yourself how bad things got if you waver in the future.)

I don’t want to add to your burden, but I can’t see how someone as manipulative and totally disrespectful as this can be a great father.

@31mintyroller

Let's all LOL in a post where the OP is being emotionally abused.

OP this is awful. You sound so broken down and exhausted. Do you have any family near by?
Don't warn him you are leaving. Do it and then tell him you have left and it's over. Then block him.

This is the 24hr number to women's aid. If you can get somewhere private give them a call.

0808 2000 247

slashlover I'm hardly the only one and I haven't written anything remotely amusing myself (unsurprisingly for me).

Oh that's ok then mintyroller. This is sexual abuse. Hardly hilarious.

Fizzysours on ye go and pull up most folk on these eight pages then. I've written nothing either directly to or about the OP so you'd be better off directing your posts at those who have.

He really is a great dad for those stating he can't be and I won't have anything else said about that. He would do anything for his family and would honestly do anything for me and wait in me hand and foot! . He would go out in the middle of the night if I asked him to get me something without a second thought! We get on well, share the same interests and sense of humor etc. But I know this isn't enough to warrant the sexual abuse I've recently realised.
There's actually more to this which doesn't help his case in any way, which I completely forgot about. He also puts pressure on me to do anal. As in he gives me anal. Again,he knows how much I hate it and yet he goes on about it all the time. To the point that I stupidly agreed to do it once a month. But haven't done it since July as I refuse to. I never thought about it before but I guess this is also manipulative and a form of sexual abuse. Honestly never thought of any of this to be abuse. I'm so confused now and don't know what to say to him. I hate conflict of any sort and usually steer clear of any kind of discussion. Thank you to those who have taken the time to make me realise this. I wish I'd posted this sooner.

Slashlover puts it best. The only important thing is that you don’t like it. The validity of the act itself as a legitimate thing that people do in relationships is not in question. But if you don’t like it then don’t do it

OP my partner put loads of pressure on me. When I finally got him to see how awful it made me feel...like an abuse victim in my own home...we nearly broke up...he thought about it and realised he wanted the relationship very much, and we had to meet halfway. Which he has stuck to. I have sex a bit more than I fancy, he has it less but knows I will continue to make an effort. He is also a lovely man. They can fail to think about the impact of being sexually co-ercive and change. But he needs to realise he cannot make you do acts which are really unpleasant. At all. Ever. As a previous poster suggested...he could incorporate things into his self pleasure

Also... I am not judging the act. Just the bullying...and it really is bullying :(

Honestly, lillboard, it really would be best for you to separate. I do know how difficult that would be but your last post horrified me. I would not stay with someone like him.

I appreciate that he has good points, for example he's a good dad and will do things for you. However, sexually, he is difficult (more than but can't think of appropriate word).

I said before that it is most likely you would be good friends if you were not living together and I can imagine what a relief that would be for you.

Fizzysours thank you, your post has helped a lot. Im going to have the chat with him tonight and it's almost as if it will end up me saying it's either me or the sex! If he's unsure I know what to do. I'm going to mention to him that I'm feeling like I'm being manipulated and for him to see it from my point of view. I never thought I'd be the kind of woman to put up with any kind of abuse but look at that, it's been 11 years and I didn't even know. I wonder if he knows it's a form of abuse?

I would really advise not talking to him.
He's a rapist. There is no going back. You need to leave.

OP just because he's a good father (and I'm going with you on that..) that doesn't mean you need to stay with him. He'll be a good father wherever you live, together or separately.

But my heart hurts reading your latest update.
What sort of person could possibly have sex with someone who doesn't really want to - and who knows that?

You know the word that comes up now, right?

It's awful when life starts to unravel like this - I've gone through something similar - but you deserve someone who treats you so much better than this.

If he's truly a good dad, you do not need to worry about your children in a separation as he'll care just as much as you that they're ok.

Now, please think of calling Woman's Aid.

I am with AliciaQuays and a few others - this thread is so sad.

@liliboard - hope you find the strength to stop this.