High-achieving ds feels teachers have turned against him in Y13

[stripycats]

This is a bit of a weird one and I'm not sure how best to handle it. DS is a high achieving very driven student in an average comp. He's head boy, only one to get all 9s at GCSE, is predicted 3 A stars, got that in his mocks and has an Oxbridge offer. I'm not bragging but obviously this is relevant to the post. He absolutely loves school and his teachers and parents' evenings are always glowing - as much in terms of his attitude as his achievements. He is always being praised for his contributions to discussions (does hums/arts subjects) and his questions as well as the way he asks for and responds to feedback. It has never so much as been hinted at that he is arrogant and I really don't think he is. He has a wide range of friends and helps out at revision sessions for younger pupils, open evenings etc.

Lately he has been commenting that in one subject he is being marked down by teachers and disagreed with in class, he feels, for the sake of it. To give an example, essays are marked out of 25 and he has scored between 22-25 throughout the course, usually only dropping a mark or two for the last year. However, now he is getting 21 or 22 most of the time and it's knocking his confidence. As the final exams approach it seems he is getting slightly worse which is worrying him. This is the subject he is doing for a degree as well. He also feels the teachers are disagreeing with him a lot in class and feels like he is being 'put in his place' so to speak, and he finds it hurtful, especially for it to start quite suddenly at this point.

I am trying to put it in perspective for him and saying they just expect so much from him and want to be sure they have done everything they can to help him meet his offer (he doesn't actually need A stars, but he'll feel a failure if he doesn't get them, especially in this subject) and that could be why they seem 'picky'. The discussion-based stuff could just be a perception, which I have said to him. I realise this probably sounds ridiculous but it's getting to him and it's not nice to see. He has loved school but puts so much pressure on himself and now he's not sure what's going on. What, if anything, should I do?

I'd like to look at it from a different perspective. What if his teacher(s) have taken a dislike against him for no particular reason? What does that actually mean? He's still being marked in the top band, and in essay subjects a mark or two either way is pretty subjective anyway. And actually marks on school essays are irrelevant in the bigger picture - the purpose is to help him improve. And if the feedback is not as helpful as he might like, it's not actually making him worse, presumably?

If he disagrees with coursework marks (which is where it does matter) he can appeal. So actually, what impact does this dislike have? It doesn't sound like anything serious to me.

In future life he is always going to find people that don't like him or disagree with him. He is going to have to explain the glaringly obvious to people over and over again (some days, that feels like basically my entire job). And, sometimes he will be the one that has to have the "obvious" explained to him, because it's something outside of his sphere of understanding. He will write something "perfect" for work, and his boss will rip it to shreds, and request something he thinks is worse, but he will have to nod along, because sometimes there is a big picture you are not seeing, and sometimes actually your boss knows less than you do, and you have to think of the tactful way to say that when it's important and leave it when it's not.

But basically, unless he leads a charmed life, he is going to meet with things he disagrees with and people who do not think he is amazing. And, he will need to dust himself off and get on with it, and pick the battles where it's worth fighting.

I don’t know of many ‘bog standard comps’ (and I’ve worked in them my whole career) where there is any time to sit in the staff room (some don’t even have a staff room) and discuss bringing the head boy down a peg or two. And a PTA? At secondary?? Please.
OP it may be as others have said that the teachers are preparing him for uni or are trying to challenge him in a way his current peers can’t, but his uni peers will. It could also be that perhaps he is coming across as a little arrogant and unaccepting of other views? It’s hard to say without speaking to them really. What I doubt is that it is a conspiracy.
Maybe contact the school? Not in a ‘you’re picking on him’ way but in a ‘he’s losing confidence right when he needs it most, I’m his mum how can I help’ way.

realistically, it doesn’t matter what the teacher says at this point. I have supported many 6th form students and there are some teachers that are really poor at their jobs just challenging for the sake of it. In reality he just needs to take it with a pinch of salt and focus on the actual exam because that won’t be marked by his teacher it will be an external marker. He just needs to try and ignore it and get through. This rubbish about preparation for oxbridge is crap, of course he won’t be top dog there but at the moment he is so they’re stressing him out for no reason at an already very stressful time.

Same is happening to my dn so it’s good to hear from others why that may be. He’s head boy in a boys grammar. Has an offer from Oxbridge (the only one in his school). Was sitting on 3 x A stars (all humanities subjects). One of his subject teacher has said he’s sitting on a B (since Christmas). The teacher has taken a dislike for him this year (in his opinion and he doesn’t know why). It’s really knocked his confidence and he’s saying he will prob go for a place at another uni. I’m hoping it’s just a blip. He’s being supported by another teacher 1:1 weekly for an hour at the request of his HOY.

In year 13 the teachers have got the measure of the students and are encouraging each at the level they're at. So a less strong student will get praised and encouraged for making an answer that they'd find a bit basic from your son.

They're likely marking against actual A-level questions against actual A-level mark schemes where possible, which will be a stricter standard than they might have applied in year 12. Expectations are higher. 21/25 is still a very strong sort of mark normally. The exams are designed to be testing, if A* students are expected to get 24/25 it becomes a who made a few slip ups contest not a measure of skill.

Without seeing where he's dropping marks, there may be a case for him making sure he does set out the obvious points in his answers before going on to more subtle discussion. Obviously I don't know about him or his subjects specifically but it's a place very able students can fall down, they think something is so obvious they don't write it down - and don't get the mark for it.

I have had personal experience of teachers sometimes having a hangup about seeing a student push above the limitations of their environment. People don’t like others who move levels. The sign of a good teacher is when their students achieve more than them. But not all teachers or parents can take it.

Your son has a lot of potential and needs to preserve his spirit and his skills until he can get to a more suitable environment for him, with others who aren’t threatened by his abilities.

The world is in a very challenging place at the moment and many feel they are slipping and their hopes for their life are going down. They may be threatened by others who are coping well and have hope. I’d counsel him to keep his boundaries up and remain polite. Plan for the future and be patient. He will get out soon.

Again, seriously please give him confidence and that at this point not to allow one teacher to change the course of his life. He should go for oxbridge etc and just get through without paying too much attention to this one teacher who is probably on a power trip. 6th form is so hard much harder doing a levels then degrees so just tell him to keep his head down, if you need to get him an external tutor to support him for the next few month or whatever he has left because his paper will be marked externally

‘It’s just a fact that none of the others do’

How would you know? My son is doing GCSE’s and puts a lot of work in outside of school, but plays it down a lot in school because he’s very aware of what gets said about students that are ‘too smart’. It shouldn’t be that way but as we all know, kids can be cruel. He’s predicted very good grades and is known as something of a class clown, not disruptive, but funny and good comic relief. It’s served him very well. No doubt your son would look down on mine because he ‘just doesn’t read outside the subject’, when in fact he does.

Sorry but this does sound like you think your son can do no wrong - when you’ve also confirmed he can be very eye rolling and dismissive.

When he gets to Oxbridge, the chances are he won’t be anywhere near the top, so it’s best if he learns now that other students views especially in humanities subjects, the same as my son has chosen to take for GCSE interestingly enough, are also relevant. He needs to learn how to cope with this because his views and presentations will be challenged much more at uni. IMO it sounds like the teachers are trying to prepare him.

You say he's not arrogant but then go on to describe some arrogant behaviour. And if the teachers are "gushing" over the other student, that would suggest he is indeed arrogant and they're trying to stop that and raise up the other student.

The teachers may even be nervous that they’ve been too uncritical because he’s done so well. Surprise disappointments happen more in humanities/arts subjects and they’ll want to feel they’ve been demanding enough to help him be pretty sure to avoid that. And yes, university will be a whole different level of challenge which they probably want to prepare him for a little. Good on them - and all the more good on him for doing so brilliantly 🙂

With the greatest respect you and your son sound smug.
I have no doubt he is a smart chap, but there are many, many smart students and probably quite a lot naturally brighter ( who don't need to 'work office hours' to be outstanding).
Model resilience for goodness sake. Not everybody will think your golden boy is fabulous and you need to both get over it.
I speak as the mother of an Oxford Law student who wouldn't dream of emailing and interfering at 6th form level.

I know ds gets impatient with people giving very 'obvious' in his eyes interpretations and views
how do you know this @stripycats ? Is he telling you this with the view that he’s right in his impatience? Or are his teachers telling you this because his impatience is so obvious? How does he display his impatience?

“ds gets very impatient with people giving very ‘obvious’ in his eyes interpretations” or have not, as he has done, read widely around the subject.

There might be something here worth exploring

And it's the OP who sounds smug?? Right - o.

That impatience with others who aren’t as motivated/bright (particularly if he makes it very obvious) will really annoy people, OP.

I think this is a maturity issue: he needs to keep that impatience firmly under wraps.

He sounds like he lacks resilience if he's making such a big deal of someone else getting praise. I think his teachers are doing him a favour, a tutor at Oxford will be way more harsh with him. I only had an interview there and was grilled thoroughly.
Newsflash, he's a big fish in a little pond and he needs to deal with that at sone point Why does he have tutors btw?

Your DS sounds like a perfectionist, which is obviously mostly a good thing. However, the opposite side of the coin is worrying about things that are not going absolutely perfectly. My DC1 is like this too. Also brain the size of a planet, super conscientious. DC1 got 4x Astars in science and maths.

I would try to remind your son that hopefully he will get the Astars he wants, but they are difficult even for the best to achieve - because for that to happen absolutely everything has to go perfectly on exam day. The main thing is that his A Levels are good enough to get him into university. Also remind him that once he graduates, his A-Levels and GSSEs (apart from of course English Language and Maths) become a total irrelevance. At this point, the main thing to do is to help him see things realistically and avoid burnout, which is a real risk with perfectionist A-Level students. Good luck to your DS. He sounds like he is doing everything humanly possible, and nobody can do more than that, after all. I’m glad to hear he is keeping up with his hobbies, which will do him the world of good and help to keep his feet on the ground.

You say he's not arrogant but what is impatient eye rolling if not arrogance?

Of course the teachers gush over kids who challenge him, and are confident enough to risk challenge from the guy with the superiority complex and who will strongly debate their opinions.

Your son is clearly very intelligent but appears limited in terms of social skills and emotional intelligence.

He will do very well academically but if he doesn't learnt to accept everyone has a value and that A level history is no measure of that value he won't get far.

He needs to learn to take, rather the just give criticism.

He needs to learn resilience.

He needs to learn how to win friends and influence people.

He also needs to realise life isn't fair, some people will be tough on you, you won't always get what you deserve etc.

It's easy to succeed and shine when everythung is going your way. How a person adapts and overcomes things when it is, is the real measure of the person.

I find this unlikely. It might be the teacher being a bit over-robust in challenging him, in order to push him to really nail the high level he needs, or it might be that your ds is genuinely having a slight temporary dip in performance. It's not unusual at this stage imo.

I have a student in my Year 13 class who's having similar. She's also got an Oxbridge offer. Her contributions in class (which were already great) have actually improved, but her essays have dropped off a bit. I think she's so intensely focussed on getting her grades that she's overthinking and doubting herself. The teacher's approach could be a (misguided imo) response to something like this.

Your ds just needs to stay focussed and trust that his hard work and clearly very high ability will yield the results he deserves. If the problem continues, he ot you could have a word with the teacher. The school will be very reluctant to let such a star student (and feather in their cap) be discouraged.

If he's upset by his marks dropping to 84% - 88% he'll likely be devastated at Oxbridge.

Is the subject English Literature by any chance? If so (or even if it’s another subject), he should ask to get feedback with reference to the mark scheme, so he can see which ‘bits’ he is not quite hitting full marks on. Taking Eng Lit as an example, students who do lots of extra reading may do brilliantly on AO3 context, for example, but their methods analysis (AO2) might still be a little lacking. If the teacher is marking him ‘down’, he should see that as an opportunity for getting useful feedback.

If he’s still convinced the teacher is wrong, it’s almost exam time and it scarcely seems to matter now. If his teacher is wrong and his work is worth full marks, he’ll get full marks in the exam and be vindicated 🤷🏻‍♀️ .

Agree, especially if it’s only his opinion they are wrong or not as bright!

It reads like the pressure he is putting on himself is distorting his perception of what's happening. Reading about multiple kids on this thread dealing with similar pressure is pretty sad. It's clear from the way their achievements are spoken about that you're proud of them but it also sounds suffocating.

You said it is History, if he is very knowledgeable he may be approaching the questions in a way that would be suitable to degree level work but at A-level they need to stick to giving the answers that attract the marks. In short he may know the subject very well and is offering theories that he needs to save for his tutorials at University. The teacher may be worried that he will miss the marks by being too clever.

Sounds like he has sailed through school finding everything easy and has no resilience when someone says he’s not perfect! This is a good learning moment for him to be humble and ask what he can do to get the last few marks. It’s not like they’re suddenly failing him.