My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

My daughter is going into year 7 and had a phone and has been arranging already who she will be walking to school with/ meeting on day 1 so that is probably already happening.

Is she spending time with her friends she is moving up with during the holidays? That seems to be helping my daughter.

I think she should have a phone as it will be an easy point of bullying if she doesn't. My friend's daughter has one but she has no social media, including WhatsApp, and is the only person who sends me text messages!! But at least she has the phone and can contact friends albeit through texts.

Maybe stop calling it “big school” for a start! She is no longer 5.

Acknowledge her fears. Point out to her: on day 1 everyone will be nervous, absolutely everyone. No one will be bullying anyone in the first few days! It will just be about finding your way around the school, meeting classmates and learning your new timetable.

She might have the “wrong” shoes, bag, water bottle, coat and pencil case. If so and that’s hugely important then those things can be fixed with a quick shop on Vinted. No biggie.

Then ask her what’s the best way to make people like you. It’s really easy - smile and make strong eye contact and say nice and confident, “hi I’m (name).” Practice it with her. Remind her that “fake it til you make it” works - if you seem open and friendly and confident, you will make friends.

Remind her that friendships break and remake at secondary school: none of my DD’s excellent primary friends are close with my dd now. They all found new tribes as they grew up - the kpop crew, the TikTok popular girls, the sporty sensible ones, etc. Still mates but not besties.

She might be the only one without a smart phone, and that is something you’ll maybe want to think about if school says she needs a device to manage her homework.(Things may have changed but my dd would have really missed out on the class and subject WhatsApps. You do realise that you can stop her downloading apps and control pretty much everything she does if you set up the phone correctly?)

Definitely stop calling it "big school" and "play date". Phrases like that are very likely to get her bullied. I mean this kindly.

Is it possible that someone that is bullying her is moving to the new school as well and that's why she's nervous/scared?

Just to reassure you that not everyone has to have a smart phone for year 7. We’ve got my daughter a non smart phone so she can send text messages but that’s it. She’s happy with that so far and looking forward to secondary still. I think there’s enough change for them as it is without also giving them the whole internet in their pocket personally!

i do think there’s more chance for kids to meet ‘their people’ at secondary due to sheer numbers. The advice about being confident and smiley is good, and they’ll all be in the same boat in those early days. I hope it all goes smoothly for her. Try to enjoy the rest of the summer if you can

I think big school and play date suggest you see her as younger than she is. My daughter has been arranging meeting friends with me only contacting parents to arrange a proper day out. I’ve said to her that she needs to message some of the other children to sort walking in.

A phone would be good even for her to keep in touch with friends but have limits on use.

@WifeOfAGemini How do you limit WhatsApp though? You can basically send the entire internet via shared videos.

OP, have you asked parents with older children what the popular shoes are for Y7 girls? What have you bought her? I'm sure she'd feel better if she thought her shoes were right from the start.

You don't say if she has any friends she's going to be with. Are the ones going to her school the ones that bullied her?

My daughter has a smartphone but no WhatsApp or social media apps. She can only use text messages and it’s fine.

I think a phone would help (no social media if you choose) but otherwise she WILL be isolated.

I agree about your use of language not matching her age and perhaps this is where her anxiety stems from.

you do not have to get her a phone, that is your prerogative, however, it will mean she is somewhat isolated and will stop her arranging her own social life.

be ready and willing to replace items that aren’t quite right in the first weeks as if this gives her anxiety then it is something you can fix.

Did you let her pick her shoes or did you just choose a pair for her? I see no reason why an 11 year old shouldn’t have input in such things. Giving her some control would probably lessen her anxiety.

It’s fine if you don’t want her to have a phone but does she have means of making arrangements with her friends herself? You shouldn’t be arranging ‘play dates’ for her at this age and definitely don’t do it once she starts secondary school.

She will need some means of independently contacting friends. Its not mothers making arrangements now. A brick phone that lives t home and just gos out when she needs it is fine. Or a wattsapp account you monitor daily for 1-1 communication. But its not "playmates" now.

Shoes and bags can seem a massive deal. There will be some girls with "designer" handbags and ballet flats and pushing the tiles on make up. But there will be plenty with a plain black Nike or similar backpack, with the plainest shoes possible from Clarks etc. No bows or other adornments. From the older girls section even if they can fit the younger girls section.

Does she know who will be her Form that she knows? My DD went into a class with no one last year (except a couple of boys) but I think it was deliberate as she was bullied and excluded socially at Primary so they put her with the other "singles" and it has worked.

Its ok to be scared. (Both of you!) Its a big step developmentally. But everyone is in the same boat.

I'd prepare for her being too anxious to go to school long term and start looking at plan B. Hopefully she will settle but it doesn't hurt to be prepared.

DD2 wasn't anxious to go beforehand but never settled at secondary school. We tried two different schools, counselling, reasonable adjustments, reduced timetable and also ADHD and anxiety medication. Eventually we did online school and she took GCSEs as a private candidate.

Secondary schools are sadly often very unpleasant places these days. They are much too big and have draconian rules which create anxiety in kids who never had it before and at the same time other kids are very disruptive in class. I'd join the group Not Fine in School on Facebook and be prepared.

Everything in your threads sounds like you continue to baby her tbh. Big school , play dates. The no phone thing will make her stand out as being weird , everyone will have a phone all friendship groups will be determined and all meet up groups will rely on snap chat. I think you’re disadvantaging her already , perhaps she knows this?

As a parent of 3 teens, I strongly believe that dc should have a movie when starting secondary, BUT, strict rules around it. Giving a dc a phone at 13 is, imo, recipe for disaster. At 13 they think they know everything so it’s harder to instil rules. At 11, mine knew the rules, never challenged them and handed phones over, asked permission to use outside of the set rules (usually to call a friend from their bedroom as we have a no phones upstairs rule) and they do not have TikTok. They have WhatsApp but we have strict rules on groups - no while class groups and permission asked for any group (this is where experience tells me issues arise). So group with their 2 best friends is fine but they check it by me. By doing this at 11, at now 14 the rules are embedded and we don’t have battles. We have been able to support and teach good phone use. I think that’s harder to do at 13 as they have been too influenced by friends at this point.

I think anxiety about starting a new school will be heightened by the phone thing. Knowing everyone else will have one and you’re different is so tough. I understand why parents are trying this route but I think a bet route is to decide rules and stick to them so you can teach safe use and build trust.

First of all, please get your daughter a phone. Day one of the new school I can guarantee she will be laughed at by her peers for not having one.
it will also exclude her from arranging social events and just general friendship chat which she will feel left out of.
It’s not ‘big school’, it’s secondary school also.
Does the school have social media where you can ask for the types of girls’ shoes which are the best? I’m sure lots of parents will offer advice on this if asked.
I think maybe you are anxious which is totally natural as a parent but I’m worried that your daughter is feeling your concerns which is making it worse.
I hope that it all goes well for your daughter and please take on board some of the amazing advice on all of these posts.

Oh god please get her a phone. And I say that as someone who works in education and knows all about the evils of social media.

Re shoes, Kickers are popular. (Again - they were at my school in the 80s!!)

I wouldn't keep talking about it to be honest, let her enjoy the remains of the holiday, distract her with lots of fun. Did her secondary school do transition visits?

And also email her Form Tutor/Head of Year. They may not pick up the message until the start of term but they should be able to help.

My first thought when reading this was why on earth are you calling it big school? That’s so weird.

Also agree she needs a phone. Most children travel to secondary school on a bus or by foot and she’ll need a way of contacting you for a start. From 11/12 they start spending some time at home or out and about alone. You can lock it right down; have screen time limits etc. it’s really a recipe for disaster not to allow a phone and she will be a nightmare when she does get one.

treat her the age she is.

My dd watched Educating Manchester before she started year seven. We were living abroad and I thought it would help her see a UK school.

It’s not “big school”.

Don’t arrange “play dates” for her.

Get her a phone. Your decision as a parent not to get one of course. But think about that ramifications of this. It’s something she’s specifically worried about and something that you can address.

It sounds very much like you are making this into an ordeal at this point. Bright and breezy. That’s what you needed to have done. There’s no time for projecting your own emotions now. Acknowledge the anxiety, absolutely, but I suspect you’ve turned this into a major deal, one to be frightened of.

Sit her down, talk about the order you will be placing for a phone, tell her you know she’s nervous like absolutely everyone starting something new.

There’s no doubt in my mind that she will be left out if she doesn’t have a phone. She won’t be able to communicate with her friends. Thus, she will be left out.

There is a programme on CBBC that follows Yr7 through their first year of Secondary. (Each series is a different type of school, the ones set in a girls boarding school won't be as useful!). Think it was called Our School or something like that.

Yes, Our School. It was very helpful here too!