My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Having read your update and what she’s been through, your and her anxiety are understandable. My son is also going into year 7, normally very laid back but is also refusing to think about uniform, equipment etc and I know he’s feeling anxious about the change… it is a big deal for all of them, but even harder if school’s already been a struggle. I’m giving him space, trying not to mention school too much, and just quietly making sure we have what he needs. He’s actually starting in the shoes he wore at the end of year 6 as they still fit and neither of us has a clue what everyone else will be wearing - we’re going to give it a few weeks and then see what he wants. Shoes and things are a big deal sadly… when I was at school in the 90s my mum insisted on me having Startrite shoes until I was about 15 (horrible old-fashioned ones as it was the only style that was the ‘correct fit’) and bought ‘Pony’ trainers when everyone else had Reebok and it was a source of constant misery - I was bullied anyway but these things didn’t help. I wish they didn’t all have phones, but they’re not all bad - my older daughter’s phone use so far has been positive on balance (she’s nearly 15), she group video calls her friends while they do homework or revision together, she looks up recipes and cooks for us, and uses it to check the school app and keep herself organised. Wastes some time on it too looking at random dances and cat videos and stuff but she’s pretty self-disciplined. So having a phone isn’t necessarily a disaster, and it’s definitely helped her social life (she was actually mute in school in year 7 - ASD and anxiety - but starting to message people through the phone was how she managed to start making friends. Year 7 was hard but she’s absolutely thriving now). I hope it goes well for your dd - loads of luck

Hi OP, it seems that you are posting under 3 names on this thread.

Salmarx
Lucy2586
Suede82

How can this be, normally MN doesn't enable a name change on one and the same thread. Could this be a bug? Or are you signing in with several email addresses. It doesn't really matter but is a bit confusing 🤔.

In any case, there has been some good advice and I hope that your twin daughters will enjoy and thrive in high school. Your dd sounds like a fighter and she will probably surprise you with how well she'll do. Saying that she is likely suffering for PTSD after her experiences, so professional in person counselling would be a good idea.

With her twin sister being at the same school, your dd will always have someone who has her back. She should also get in touch with the school's pastoral care team they will be very experienced with anxious transitioners. They won't judge and and will be keen to help her.

Please get your daughter a phone.

I am not
OP just been joining in bevause I am having similar stress with my child starting year 7.

No idea how that’s happened as I only have one email address? 🤷‍♀️ My phone signs in automatically so I’m as confused as you are 🤣🤣

Just chiming in to say whoever recommended joining clubs when school starts to get to know people is a good idea. In fact my DD's school insisted each Y7 joined at least 1 (as a way to meet people). Not all were after school.
Hopefully high school will be a better experience for her.

Local secondary schools where I live has banned phones, children are not allowed to take them to school!!

it’s not “ big school “ and she’s certainly too old for play dates!

I should imagine this close to going back to school most children have already sorted out who they will be meeting with and going to school with

Exactly that, she's growing up and babyfying it will make it worse.

Don’t cave and get her a phone (trust me, I’m a teacher and see the bullying is heightened on a phone!) but I can’t help thinking some of this anxiety stems from the fact you’re saying ‘big school’

Tell her, you understand anxiety and sympathise with her feelings and will support her through her worries but behaviour is showing that she is not mature enough for a phone and she needs to start showing you the correct behaviours from now on. The ‘13’ goal post can move - further away, or closer - depending on the behaviours and trust she builds. At the moment, she’s moving it further.

It is possible to limit what's app use on phones. Using data usage and parental controls.

Yes Kickers. They ALL wear them. Just went to Westfield on Sunday to get new ones for DD and it was like hunters circling in the Serengeti at the Kickers table in Office.

OP how is your daughter doing?

Get her a phone! No parents like them but please do not make your kid the scapegoat of your ideological beliefs.

im shocked at the attitudes to phones here.

We are supposed to be waking up as a society to the absolute poison that smart phones are pouring into kids eyes ears and brains

I have a 13 year old - giving him a smartphone was hands down the worst decision of my life. I caved on social media - because once they have the phone the pestering is relentless - I have worked VERy hard to row back but its MUCh harder once they have it

Many parents of older children in my town are not giving their younger children phones! not because of naivety but the exact opposite

However - my younger child has a brick type phone for texts and calls - yes she has moaned like hell - do Care? no. I have seen what happens when a kids is given a smart phone and it involves endless horror.

and before long lectures about parental controls - both my husband and I work in tech related fields and are as savvy as any parent can be - and my son got round ALL THE CONTROLS.

the controls are bullshit unless your child is naturally obedient anyway

Would you like to elaborate why your son has struggled so much?

Secondly are you comfortable with your dd being left out of social events and friendships? As that is precisely how they are arranged these days. Your dd will basically be consigned to social Siberia just because her brother either didn’t have enough controls in place (Your fault) or was too immature to have a phone in the first place .

My son uses his phone to arrange to meet friends, to chat with friends, to learn to play chess, to play chess against friends and family, to watch all sorts of interesting documentaries...

My daughter uses hers to stay in touch with friends, she has friends all over the place as she spends most of her life doing dance or acting. She loves being able to send voice notes as she is dyslexic.

They both love being able to stay in touch with me when they are at their dads.

I am not naive about phones, but used well and moderately they can bring lots of positives too

This last week before starting secondary school my daughter arranged meet ups with different friends every day of the week.

My son used his phone to arrange and meet up with friends from a hobby in another town and to get himself there and back on public transport

They also have a great app on their phones for managing their allergies.

I have lots of conversations with them about risks and sensible use, but the reality is the real world is full of risks too.

Mine do too many hobbies to spend too much time on their phones, and they also love spending time with family too

It is connectivity and extremely important for teens to have friends.

Exactly
I grew up without a TV because my parents disapproved of them. It made me feel socially excluded and then as I got older it just meant I spent more time at friends houses so I could watch TV with them