My daughter is terrified to go to big school

[Suede82]

One of my daughters is starting big school in a week or so and she is terrified. The whole of the summer holidays have been overshadowed by her anxiety over this. She has refused to try on the uniform and won’t discuss what she needs for the first day etc. She has been in tears several times over it. She specifically anxious about not having the same shoes as everyone else (not sure why), not having a mobile phone as we have decided that she will have one when she is 13, she thinks she will be left out and/or bullied as she has been in Primary school. I’ve been as reassuring as I know how, have arranged a coffee morning/play date with the other few kids going to the same secondary school that she was in year 6 with and suggested we all meet up on the first day so that they can go in together. Any other tips as to what I can do to make it better for her? I’m terrified that the first day will be horrendous and have visions of physically dragging her in crying and I know if the first day is difficult then it’s all downhill from there………

Thoroughly depressing reading. Don't wear this, do that, don't be different, must have a smartphone...all because of bullying, and not being accepted...if only parents took half as much trouble instilling into their kids to be kind and inclusive instead.

@mumatlast14People don’t though do they! When my DDs were starting secondary 20 years ago it was the same. Comments at the ones who didn’t look the same. Everyone had long hair for a start! 11 is very young to be different and develop your own style. School uniform doesn’t really allow variation either so you might as well have the same shoes! Belonging can matter and fashion statements come later.

I’ve found DC develop their own style at around 13. Maybe a bit earlier but most follow the trendy girls and don’t break out into goth or indie chick at 11. Copying for a bit is fine.

It feels that parents are enabling this though. Instead of encouraging kids to feel confident in themselves and discouraging comments of certain bags, shoes, coats etc being trendy 'must haves' or cause for bullying, parents are running around buying certain things which only serves to perpetuate this anxiety for kids being the odd one out.

There are always different kids, or indeed the trend setters.

The difference is these kids are confident in their choices and bullies can't penetrate that. They have their own sense of style and are proud to display it.

A child whose mother has chosen shoes she didn't want and who is self conscious about them is always going to be an easier target.

I think it does the opposite - for now. This DD is 11. She’s not really formed fashion opinions but would like to fit in. That’s fairly normal. Of course dc should be kinder but they never have been! Some made comments about the oversized uniforms at school 60 years ago! Some had crap shoes like me and of course it was embarrassing. Hated those shoes and did my parents cars about my feelings? Of course not. If you don’t mind which shoes, why not buy what DD wants? The other dc won’t change. That ship possibly sailed in Victorian times!

I think lots of kids will be in the same position tbh.

incant help but think that you’re feeding this anxiety somewhat. Your language, as others have commented on is not helping. Of course she’s going to want the same shoes as everyone else has. It was kickers or rockport in my day. Knowing kids these days it’ll probably be ethically sourced unicorn leather or something…

the phone thing is going to make her stand out like a sore thumb. I don’t like it either but that’s the age we live in. I’d get her one but police it.

I think I can see where you’re coming from. Trying not to let her grow up too fast and protecting her innocence but in these times and at her age it all moves very quickly.

let her fit in and she’ll find her own way. Just be there to help her rather than to own her. Arranging play dates is going to get her grief tbh.

Thank you for all of the useful tips. Some really great support out there 🥰 I’ve been unable to answer individual messages because I’ve not had internet for a while plus can’t figure out how this site works (bit tech phobic). But I wanted to explain a couple of things;
My use of the term big school was slightly misleading because I don’t say that to my girls, just a way of expressing here. Play dates however is what everyone around here calls them. Even the mums have play dates. I guess it’s our humour. I don’t baby my kids and they are pretty self
sufficient.
The person who said that my daughter was unable to make a choice of shoes due to lack of confidence in her decisions was spot on. Very perceptive. It’s not that I won’t allow her to have whatever the hell she wants! I want her to fit in. I’d do anything to facilitate this.
She was bullied in primary school
because she looked different to the other kids (and her twin sister) for a while. She had cancer, chemotherapy and lost her hair. It crucified me seeing it happen. And the school dealt with it the best they could. This is why she desperately wants to look the same as everyone else so I’ve asked the other mums of girls exactly which shoes their girls will be wearing and have ordered those. I’ve just sent back the other £400 worth of shoes we had to try on because she likes them THANK GOD.
And as for the phone, I have 2 of my old iPhones on standby should they come back after the first few days saying that they need them now. The school have a ban on them anyway during the day so may not be an issue. I didn’t want them to have the pressure of a phone until they are older however would prefer to deal with that than them feeling left out. They have iPads for school already and for homework. Play dates or hang outs or whatever they want to call them have to go through me as we are rural and they rely on me for transport. So im hopeful that her first day will be good because it’s then all downhill from there. I’ve emailed the school just to make sure there is extra support should she need it. Hopefully she won’t. I’ll let you know how she gets on 👍🏻

Hi yes I think she may well be but not diagnosed. She’s always been painfully shy and with a more outgoing twin used her as a shield. It’s not about the phone or shoes. It’s about the confidence and I’ve done everything possible to help her increase this. She had good attendance in primary despite her serious illness and was even in during Covid as both parents are key workers. She’s been through a lot in her life already but she’s a brave little soul and will be fine as she’s a lovely girl.

Home education would be the worst idea for her! She needs more socialising not less! And being stuck with an old fashioned mum all day rather than with the cool kids and their phones? Nightmare 😉

Thanks for the input from and insider 👍🏻 Actually I’ve decided the phone ban maybe was a mistake but will wait and see what the consensus is after they have started.
And apparently most of the girls in the entire school are wearing the same shoes and they are Clark’s! Who knew they were fashionable 🤣. Shame as they are more expensive than other brands. As for the branded coats, I’m choosing to teach my kids that sometimes we can’t always have a £150 Northface coat when a less expensive brand is equally as good. And as I have twins I can’t fork out for those. The essential uniform list for this school has cost £400 each as it is, and that’s without trainers and football boots!!! So the coats will have to be on their Christmas list as we need to eat this month too.

No she’s not, it seems that I, however, am 🤣

I’ll be driving her or one of the other parents will. It’s too far and dangerous to walk to as we are rural. There is a bus and we will practice this option should we choose to go this route. Good suggestion!

Not glad it’s not just mine! Hope you both smash it. 💪

I suppose around this particular event I do have anxiety. She does cry a lot when she has something coming up; school play, end of term speech, going into an empty school to collect uniform, on the pioneer days that they did (although she said they were ok so I keep reminding her that everything turned out better than she expected). I suppose I’m catastrophising because she’s telling me she doesn’t need uniform because she’s not going, won’t get out of the car, will run away. And I’m trying to figure out what I’ll do if this happens 🤷‍♀️

She’s had some counselling actually. She didn’t want to continue. It was online so I’m surprised she didn’t want to as she’s usually addicted to her iPad. But I respected her wishes. The primary school she was in was tiny (<100kids) and so there will be only 4 of the other girls in secondary school. None of these were her bullies than God!

Sadly almost impossible for her to walk anywhere from where we live. And I’m more than happy (in fact I’d LOVE a break!!) that she went off on her own somewhere but she doesn’t want to. She wants me to come in with her always. And I do and then leave as soon as I can so that she gets that independence time. Just so shy 🤷‍♀️

Thank you. Finally a sensible response who got what I meant! I will be always supporting her as I have done since she was little and praying she builds her confidence in a larger school with a higher chance of finding like minded friends 🤞🏻

Your poor daughter has been through so much and I am happy to hear she is well now.

My daughter is just starting 6th form. My experience is that from year 7 to year 8 clarks are the shoes they all wear. Then from year 9 it's kickers. They start year 7 with their skirts at the normal length then after about 2 weeks they roll them up into mini skirts. Be prepared for that!

Yes regarding coats they all wear north face. We only bought her that brand in year 10 though as by then we figured out it will last her years.

My daughter suffered from anxiety and I found her pastrol care at school was amazing. Luckily she was never bullied and had a brilliant group of friends. She was shy like your daughter and gained confidence as she got older.

Good luck.

Your poor daughter has been through such a lot, so I feel a bit trite just talking about coats but I would suggest looking for coats on Vinted. My ND DS finds labels can be a useful crutch for his confidence, so we compromise with Vinted, his North Face puffer cost £25 in perfect condition.

The primary school she was in was tiny (<100kids) and so there will be only 4 of the other girls in secondary school. None of these were her bullies than God!

A bigger school may actually be easier - more chances of connecting and find her tribe - found that with our kids though it can take time it's happend for all of them - there are also shifts in friendship groups over the years as well which can be bumpy.

If she does have issues in school - outside groups are useful to let them know it's the environment not them - least worked for my kids.

It does depend on the school/area with clothes - where we are the make of clothes/shoes and expensive clothes is much less a thing than where DN was and having phones if they turn out to be needed - again area /school dependent - is a sensible way forward.

I suppose I’m catastrophising because she’s telling me she doesn’t need uniform because she’s not going, won’t get out of the car, will run away. And I’m trying to figure out what I’ll do if this happens

Stay calm, firm and postive -hard to do but chances are it won't come to that on the day - but you could contact the school before hand and ask what support they can offer her - in case it's needed - might help you feel less alone worried about the worst case situation.

Think I have just made things even worse. She needed her hair cut and asked for it a certain way and she hates it. She is walking around like Kenny from South Park. Hopefully one day we can look back and laugh when she’s settled and confident.

I think its common for lots of them to feel like they are the only who is feeling nervous, not sure whether they will fit etc when in truth they all feel that way.

OP... my advice is to encourage her join a club if your school has them. In fact, try as many as she can (I appreciate that is more difficult for you if you have to pick her up at a certain time). This is actually where both of mine have made their strongest friendships, including across Yr groups.

For everyone with a new Yr7 starter... this may seem obvious but we actually got an email about it last year... parents aren't allowed onto the school grounds in the morning for drop off on the first day. I'm sure if there's one having a panic attack they can sort it straight after everyone else is in, but they can't have parents on the grounds when all the doors are open.

I'm confused - has the OP name changed? (How - you can't do that on the same thread can you?)

Children are sponges to their parents emotions and actions. Your OP makes it sound as though you are very anxious. You are also describing the situation in a way which makes your child appear much younger - it’s things like ‘big school’ and ‘playdate’ which point to you infantilising your child here.

Starting secondary school is fantastic. It’s full of new opportunities, and it’s where your child will learn to be much more independent. Are you telling your child this, or are you (even unconsciously) contributing to your child’s fear? Are you worried about your child becoming less dependent on you, and making their own choices?

I think you need to ensure you’re projecting a real sense of calm and confidence about the truth to school next week - you are likely to be reinforcing your child’s fears if you pay disproportionate attention to them. You can reassure her by saying that if she finds her shoes or pencil case is wrong then not to worry, you’ll sort it out. You can also be firm about the whole not trying on uniform thing - she needs to try it on as if it doesn’t fit on day one then it’s much harder to fix.

So she's sharing her big emotions with you, and that's fine. That's how it should work.

You create a space where she can say whatever she wants about how she feels. All of her feelings are okay. Allow her to have her cry, shout, say alarming things.That's all just her venting. Maybe she's processing feelings about past events, too.

It can be very very hard to sit with a child who is expressing emotion, I understand. But that is all you need to do in that situation. Sit, listen, reassure, but mostly just allow her to get her feelings out and release them. It sounds like she trusts you and is comfortable showing her emotions. That's good!

So those episodes where it seems to you that it's all falling apart are actually just your DD working through her emotions. I'd even go so far as to say they're not a bad thing, and may even be a positive thing! It's far worse if a child stuffs it all down and doesn't talk about her feelings. I imagine she was also anxious, maybe cried about all of those past events? But she did them, and she managed. (you could gently ask her to notice that she has felt these feelings before, that they are normal and natural feelings, common, even, and that she has handled them before and can handle them again).

You will both be fine. You may both have some emotions, and that is okay. Emotions can be hard to handle, but they are natural, and they pass.